Rock-Bottom, Opiates close to taking everything from me

[Demons_Within]

Well here it goes:

I am a self-centered, narcasistic, selfish, arrogent, stubborn, attention-seeking, addict.  I have done many things in the last few months that have made me ashamed of myself and I do not even feel worthy of life.  I lost my job last wednesday because I was going to work in withdrawal and ****** up on Suboxone and falling asleep or just sitting there in pure anxiety, and on top of that i was doing things to beat the system and appear that I was working when I really wasn't.  Lesson learned, people are alot smarter than you think and if you think you are above the law and can get away with whatever you want, your wrong.  I still tell everyone that my position got cut and I wasn't hitting quota (partially true), but really I am 100% at fault for my termination.  So now I lost my job, and almost my Fiance whom  might I add is carrying my 1st born child and due in August.  I still have been geeking out on Oxy's as much as possible except for the last week, which I have been clean and plan to stay clean.  I was spending all of my money, roughly over $120 a day, and I even stold money from my parents after they borrowed me $100.  I justify all of my actions in the cause of getting high and I think that I am invincible when I am not.  I was so broke and desperate for a High that I crushed up 2 IR 15 MG morphines and chopped em up and boiled em and put them into a spoon and tried to shoot it up; this act definitely ranks my top 5 stupidest actions on my part.  I must have missed the vein or something because instantly when I pushed the plunger in a big blobbly wealt appeared underneath my skin in my tissue and was about the size of half a pool table ball on top of my skin and itchy redness spread throughout my whole arm.  I went into a severe panic attack and almost brought myself to the emergency room but decided to pass out instead and woke up when the swelling went down.
In the meantime my girlfriend and the rest of the world have been under the impression that I was clean but really I have been doing Oxy's in secrecy without their knowlege.  
Today was anothe wake up call, even though I have not been taking any Oxy's I have been taking my prescription of Suboxone to get me through the W/D I think i am on like day 4 or 5, but I chopped up a half of a pill on the bar in my basement and while my girlfriend was in the bedroom I tried to snort it really quick and she walked out just as I was snorting it.  Yeah I know totally stupid for a number of reason, but the even more stupid thing was that I tried to lie to her and say that I was putting the powder in my mouth because it taste bad and breaks up easier that way, but I was caught with the dollar bill tooter and everything and she knew, so there was no denying it.  This time she pretty much did leave me, she left and was set on looking for some place to rent and I started wheeping like a baby.  I realize now how good she is to me, and how big of a piece of **** I have been to her, and I know I have a baby on the way and I need to be there to support her alot better.  I am a horrible person and I need to make up for all of my wrongs by doing right from now on.  I am going to try to wiend down off of the suboxone and start taking anti-depressants to try to be happy with normal life.  I know I really should go to treatment but I cant bring myself to tell my family I have been lying to them the whole time and I have a kid on the way and a house to pay for and I am trapped with no way out.  Today I had to beg for my girl not to leave me, and she even said that she doesn't know who I am anymore, I dont even know who I am anymore.  If there is anyone out there that has read this and is thinking about taking any kind of mood altering drug, dont do it. It will make normal life dull and pointless, and you will soon need that drug to feel good about yourself and your life, and you will hide behind it when problems come along; the harsh reality is that no matter how many lines of Oxy I snort, or the 6 vics that I take, when the buzz is gone my problems are still there and need to be taken care of.  Since I have been struggling i have let my finances go, almost all of my credit cards and my line of credit are past due, my insurance and medical bills are in collections.  I fear that I am in to deep to get out, and the worst part is that I still find myself craving and planning to try to get more OC's or Vics, and thank god my dude is out because I have no control over actions when it comes to OC's.  
I am about 5 days clean and my main concern right now is getting another job, paying more attention to my deprived GF, and trying to be happy with normal life and eventually be off of the Subs.

Is there anything additionally that I can do to help keep my mind off of the Oxy's and stop the cravings other than the Suboxone?  Any tips or encouragement would be appreciated, I fear that my life literally is on the line and I know that every person has their breaking point and I think that I am playing with mine and I have been sad and depressed for far too long, and I have lost way to much and now it is time to stop, no more "One more time" cons or excuses; I need to stop for the sake of my beautiful fiance and babygirl Jazzlyn, but most of all I need to stop for me.

[Demons_Within]

I thank you all for your support, I need to find a job fast and start saving money quick becaus that baby is coming in a month or two.  I have close to 50 suboxone and I am starting my anti-depressants again.  My main concern at this point is figuring out how to take the suboxone with the supply that I have so that I can safely weind down.  I know I have enough to get past the Oxy cravings and W/D but I wont have insurance after the end of the month and I need to figure out what to do in the meantime.  I already screwed **** up with my last script of suboxone and now I know that this is for real my last chance to hold on to what means the most to me.  If anyone has any hints on what I can do as far as a dosage schedule to safely wiend down and such it would be greatly appreciated.  I know I can do this, and I also know how hard it is and what is in store for me, but I also know that if I dont stay clean I will lose my fiance and daughter.  I will keep you all posted

[ballingurlie33]

I was in an almost exact situation to you about two years ago. I mean I was doing things behind my fiancés back when she was pregnant with our first. I had the option at that time to try and make it work and stay sober or go to a 30-90 day rehab. I too was on suboxone and I wish I could have done so much differently and I will give you my opinion and you might not like it and might seem a little intense at first. I didn't do the rehab because I figured my suboxone group sessions would be enough. I wish I can go back and do the rehab for at least 90 days. 30-90 days may seem like a lot at first but it’s nothing compared to even a week after the baby is born. And if you wait to go then it takes away from the baby, fiancé and you. And that’s if you don’t overdose or even get arrested. Then your daughter will grow up with no dad. Also you don’t want to miss or be high when she is born. Because it is the most amazing natural feeling you can have, so you definitely don’t want to be numb for that or forget any second. I lost most of my son's first year because I thought I could do it. I don’t remember his 1st birthday and I made a complete idiot out of myself at his party. I will never get that back. I am telling you come clean with your family and fiancé and tell them you need to go to rehab. You are going to need as much support as possible especially from family even though they won’t understand what you are going through. This way you can go and detox and be medically supervised, get clean, learn how to deal with problems, and learn how to stay sober for good. You can do it but sobriety does not come easy and you will have to work for it. Also make it as hard as possible to even come close to finding drugs by changing your number and even deleting all of their numbers and isolate yourself from those people and don’t hang out where there will be drugs. There is nothing worth losing you fiancé and baby. Don’t wait to hit a worse rock bottom because it can always still get worse. And you can’t give your fiancé the attention and support that she needs as long as you are using. And the first month is the hardest on the mother after she has the baby. Trust me on this, because I have been through this and I still have trust issues with my fiancé and they will always throw things at you and you won’t forget  how bad you messed something up when really it’s the addiction that F&**s everything up. It is better for everyone when you come out with the truth than to keep being secretive because you will get caught and then you would lose everything. Trust me because I have lost my family (like mom, dad, and siblings) from my addiction. I wish so bad that I could be in your situation with the knowledge I have now. You have the chance to turn your addiction from being a bad thing and dealing with it head on and you will have everyone's support. Or you can do nothing and wait till your own family turns on you and you lose the love of your life and baby all because of drugs. Sorry for writing so much, it’s just that I already lived this situation and I know the consequences. Also, thinking that once that when the  baby is born that that would be enough motivation to quit, because  it isn't. Well it’s not enough so don’t wait until it’s too late. Good luck and keep posting and if you have any questions for me you can email me at ***@**** and let me know what you think about this approach.

[jollyman069]

thats what being and addict is....you  described pretty much all of us, like gizzy said things are going to get better for you hang tough, post often you will get all the support and help we can offer good luck and God Bless...brian

[outotown]

HMMMM!!!! I think i just read the story the last four years of my life. Come clean to your loved ones its hard but I was no longer able to denie my addiction. I finally got help after I lost my job my self respect, the respect of my family, my house and then a suicide attempt glad it did not work. Get strong and stay strong stay on the sub. Good Luck

[gizzy32]

I remember a few of your other posts and I am sorry to hear about your mess up, but trust me, although we used different drugs, I understand. The one good thing here is your no longer in denial by this post and for many of us it took hitting rock bottom to finally wake up. It's now or never man and although it may be hard to come clean about this, it will hold you accountable and get you the help you need. You have so much to live for now and a child on the way. My best peice of advice is get some help, you said it yourself, " i know i should go to treatment". It is hard work getting clean and at our lowpoint all hope seems gone, but i promise it's not. Fight this with all you have and do something about it, your still so young. Best of luck and please keep posting, support is so important:) Life is great and much better clean, it just takes a bit of time to heal. Stay strong.