SCARED! Did something REALLY stupid

[Sad_Woman]

Hello

I am an oxy addict and have been one for three years. Started them for legit pain (fibro and back problems) but got addicted. Tried quitting a few times but relapsed. Started suboxone about 6 months ago and at first it was great because I was out of crazy active addiction. Well, here's the thing. 3 months ago I decided to go see another doctor and get oxys. Yes, at the same time I'm seeing the sub doctor too. My rationale was that with being on sub (which does nothing for pain) I could get oxys and get a little pain relief (and a buzz, gotta be honest here). Well, thats what I've been doing. I take less sub then I'm prescribed. (prescribed 8 mgs a day but I take 4) and I also do oxy most days. When I pee dirty (which is often, not always but often) at the sub dr's I tell him I had a lot of pain that week so I did a few oxys. Although he's not pleased with it he doesn't make a huge deal and has never asked me where I get the oxys and I never told him obviously. And when I do pee tests at the oxy doctor the sub for some reason never shows up. I guess they don't test for it. Well today I went in to see the oxy doctor (I go once a month) and he says he has a concern...he asks me if I've had urine tests done anywhere else. I lie and say no. I'm shaking trying not to have a full blown panic attack right there and then. I live in Canada and we have a universal health care system so when he went to bill for my urine analysis it came back rejected. He says to me that tells him I've had pee tests done else where. All the while I'm trying to stay calm. My thoughts are racing. He ends up giving me my script but tells me he's going to look into it. Now I'm sitting here a nervous wreck. What can happen to me?? I'm obviously not going back to the oxy doctor anymore and I'm supposed to see the sub doctor and now I'm afraid to go there. I am disgusted with myself. I'm so scared. Although it's not as bad as getting 5 different oxy scripts from 5 different doctors, it's still not allowed to get sub and oxy from two different doctors. I'm kicking myself big time. I have been laying awake at night lately thinking, dammit I just want to be off all opiates. It's just so damn hard, sub does nothing for pain but I know I can't just take oxy because I could never stay in my prescribed dose. And now I'm so scared. I'm so pissed off at myself. How could I be so stupid. I don't know what to do. Like I said I'm supposed to see the sub doctor tommorow and I'm afraid to go. Maybe I should just try and taper down with what I have. I want to be DONE with this crap. Does anyone know what can happen to me? I'm so scared. Man, did I ever **** this up! Please, I need some advice quick. I don't want to get in trouble. I'm not a bad person, I got addicted to oxys, I never meant to. I never wanted to. For whatever reason it seemed like a good idea at the time..now I see it was the most incredibly idiotic thing. But my addiction told me hey look, you can be on sub and now you don't need as much oxy. Honestly compared to before when i was running around buying pills, running out, and all the crazy **** it is better now. I don't take much oxy but of course on sub I'm not supposed to take ANY. Please help me out here. I know what I did was dumb but I'm ready to be done with it all. I want to get off both sub and oxy. I can't believe I have put myself in this position. I'm scared ******** and am really hating myself and my stupidity right now. Please, I need some input, some advice. What should I do??

[ImDONENoMore]

Okay, I'm going to take some heat for this - but seriously sadwoman!!  PLEASE talk to the Dr. - don't wait for something to happen to you first.  Putting it off isn't going to help - but trying to take some kind of control over your life again is a place to start.  And you also said you wanted to stay on the subs and quit that in a few months?  Really?  You know it's time to quit - and as scary as facing the situation is, that will be a lot less scary than trying to do this on your own.  Most of us (me included) need HELP to find our way out.  Give yourself a fighting chance here - and don't wait for some miracle to happen.  I'm sorry if this sounds harsh - but sometimes tough love is the only way through.  Please think about it okay?

[tgtiffany]

lol...mebroken that was hilarious.  Glad you got everyone to smile :)

[Sad_Woman]

I'm still laughing about that! What a hoot :) And thanks again Harper for your support. It means so much to me. I really don't have a whole lot of support from anyone. But I just look at my kids to remind myself of why I really want to do this. More and more it's eating away at me when I look at them, see how amazing they are and think I HAVE TO BE CLEAN, THEY DESERVE THAT MUCH!! I'm trying to push the feelings and thoughts of self doubt aside. That voice that tells me "you can't do it" and "You will never feel ok again afterwards" I know thats my addiction trying to hang on but no more!!!!!! I think it's time for me to seize the opportunity to get clean and run with it. It's strange, this is the first time in a long time where I believe I will be able to get through detox and stay clean. It's all been done. It's time to close the book on this and start a new one. One with promise, hope, health and FREEDOM! Harper, I cannot tell you how much you've helped to inspire me along with so many others here who have been helping me. I've gotten wonderful PM's and am taken with how helpful and supportive everyone is. I think with my determination and the help from here I'll be able to get through it. Please pray for me to succeed. I really really have to do it this time.

[HarperOC]

I just read that mebroken thank u for that that was hilarious i laughed out loud for first time in days too (as sad woman said) i can tell u were a very good addict, good at manipulating haha but that was great! haha

and i hope u r ok sad woman i no u can do this, u  r strong and are worth it, dont forget it.

[Sad_Woman]

I'm sorry. Well I'm not going in til Monday..but more and more I'm thinking about not going back to ANY doctors and just detoxing. I've already been looking into detox centers in my area. I did it at home last time but this time I think I'd feel better with medical help nearby. I know each detox gets harder and harder and after the last one..well, I don't want to die of a heart attack and I really felt like I was going to have one last time. I think I just want to be done with it all and really give getting clean a good shot. Maybe some miracle will occur and I won't be so mentally screwed up this time after detox..thats what made me relapse. Feeling suicidal every day was no fun. Well, I will update Monday..by then I'll figure out what I'm doing.

[mebroken]

okay, i can't stand it anymore- you have to be home from the sub dr appt by now! soooo- what happened? (i was trying to be good and wait for you to post but what can i say? been wondering for hours and hours and hours and hours, lol).

[mebroken]

:) glad i got you to smile! and even more importantly you saw a mental picture of the real you and how awesome you will be looking in future when all this horrible stuff is out of your life.
yes, get some sleep. tomorrow is big day- you get to stop hiding and living in fear and tell the truth...and then start the process to get out of all this.  the sub doctor might surprise you by wanting to help you, who knows? but either way if you really WANT out, you WILL get there, with or without his help. it is all about deciding that you want with every cell in your being to be off drugs- your real life back.

good night sad- woman (and i hope one day you'll need to change your name here to happy-woman...wouldn't that be lovely?)
i'll be looking for your post tomorrow!

[Sad_Woman]

mebroken, That was the funniest post ever!! For the first time in two days I smiled!!! And I actually had a mental picture of myself in the future looking great and writing that note. Yes, I am seeing that this is a blessing in disguise. Albeit a very scary disguise and I'm just praying it goes as well as it can go. Well I have not slept in 2 days now so I'm going to try and get a few hours before I have to deal with this. Thank you again me broken, you really lifted my spirits. :) I'll update tommorow. Please pray for me.

[mebroken]

please stop worrying! the police are not gonna be knocking at your door. and even if they did- what can they do? ya know how to play dumb? ever taken a acting class? "why whatever is the problem officer?" *bat eyelashes and smile* "why yes i do have two doctors- one is my back doctor and one is my stomach doctor" (or whatever 2 issues you have) *look confused* "yes they both write me prescriptions- one is for my terrible crushed back from the accident and the other is totally different type of problem with my poor stomach pain" *wince, look in pain* "i don't understand why you are asking about this, doesn't everyone have specialists for different health issues they have? like you wouldn't go to an eye doctor for a foot problem" *giggle, look cute* "huh? how can that possibly be illegal? are you telling me i have to give up getting treated for one of my serious health problems? huh? like i have to choose or something which issue is worst and only go to one doctor? ya'll are confusing and upsetting me" *fill eyes with tears*  (if you are not blonde maybe dye your hair tonight). lolol. get it? hey i'm just trying to make you smile a little and stop stressing out. whatever happens tomorrow at sub doctor office happens and it will be really in your best interest for your goal of getting away from all this junk. sometimes things happen for a reason and one day maybe you'll look back at this thread and sigh, remembering how stressed and crazy your life was 'back then' and how calm and truly happy you are 'now' that you have been off all drugs for a long time. maybe even you'll send that oxy doc a little note letting him know that his actions caused you to change the destructive path you were on and prolly saved your life. *picture yourself all serene, centered, healthy, and in control of your life* yeah you have to go through the torture of detox and the blahs afterwards to get to that wonderful place...but it is so worth it. you are worth it. you CAN do it. don't 'hope' it works out- make it happen. you don't ever have to be in this position again. it is up to you and only you. be strong. detox and get out. k? :)

[irishann]

Don't beat yourself up...you aren't a bad person...you aren't yourself and that is the drugs...obviously...that sounded stupid, I just want you to know that maybe in some weird way this is a good thing...I used to be terrified when I would call for my refills and the nurse would say my doctor wanted to see me first. Yikes! I used to doctor shop, buy s*** on line, crap pills for hundreds of dollars...please don't think you are a heel or a piece of s***. Just know whatever happens..everyone here is on your side! We will help u!

[Sad_Woman]

Anj, thank you. Wow, that's great that you saw the problem coming before it ever became a big problem. I'll bet it felt pretty damn good when you tore up that script. I wish I had done that..I would have saved myself an enormous amount of heartache. You know I kept saying to myself *no more, this is the last time I go* but the damn addict in me "one more time.." Yeah I one-more-timed myself into a boatload of crap. I hated what I was doing--yet was too afraid to let go of the script. I wish I had been brave like you. Now I have to do it, and not just because I got caught - but because this is no way to live. I want a chance at a better life, I really do. But I hate the voice that tells me I'll be miserable without opiates. Insane because really I'm miserable WITH them. I barely get a buzz, it's all in my head. I think I NEED them to do normal stuff like clean the house or do laundry. Without my pills seemingly routine tasks seem impossible for me to start. The pills were my motivation--until they weren't my motivation anymore. They sucked the damn life outta me. Well I can really see how this will be a blessing in disguise. To be honest I'm not even bothered that I won't be getting any more oxy. I'm relieved I won't be. This forces me to let go. Maybe now I can do what I really wanted to before I screwed up and got on oxys again, get off em for good! But I know what lies ahead. I've detoxed before several times. I felt so empty inside and when I wasn't empty I was a basketcase. But I guess it doesn't help to worry about down the road, I'm having a hard enough time dealing with the here and now. If my sub doc does keep me--which is slim chance--I want to taper off in a few months. For once I need to do this properly. Get therapy etc and frickin well do it right. Again, thank you to all of you for helping me through this and gain perspective. I'm still scared ******** but I'll do the right thing and fess up and update tommorow. Anyone else who's been in my position, please tell me what happened to you. I was freaking out all day..every time the phone rang I was sure it was the police calling me..every time I heard a sound outside my door again I thought oh God they're here for me! Talk about paranoid. I just hope it all works out somehow.

[Iwantanewlifenow]

Keep wanting those days...keep thinking of better times ahead...you do not need to be a slave to some bottle of pills...It ,ost likely will get worse before it gets better...but there is light at the end of the tunnel:)

[Sad_Woman]

Thank you gnarly, I don't know you but it's easy to tell you have a great heart. I'm sorry you went through that. I can imagine you must have felt then like I do now..kinda like your insides are melting. I'm in bit better shape right now. Not having any sleep last night and worrying myself literally sick I was really messed up all day. Tommorow I'm going to go to the sub doctor and fess up. I'm scared of the outcome of course but facing it and dealing with it will be easier then sitting here in the state I've been in, a nervous puking wreck. I have anxiety really bad and this has brought on some severe episodes. High stress situations cause me to get literally sick. Of course I have only myself to thank for my stress right now but I do believe good will come of it--I'll finally get off this crap. I just hope I don't get into too much trouble. Thank you for sharing your story with me gnarly. That must have been hell to go through not to mention the shame you feel having to face the doctors. When they asked you in the er "lets call your doc and see what he says" did you fess up then or did you wait to talk to him? Anyways I really appreciate the support here. I keep telling myself this is a blessing in disguise. I do wonder though how it is that people can find themselves again after an opiate addiction, how they can ever feel "normal" again. Lord knows I've never been "normal" but I remember a time where my life didn't revolve around pills. I miss those days!! I want them back!

[Iwantanewlifenow]

I feel for you..These pills take away everything..Even here in America all states have differing laws..Mine would involve the police..Worst case scenario..but if you're up front..they will try to get you help and detox..then cut you off for good...which is what usually happens...Your Sub Dr. should understand addiction...it's up to you if you're going to be honest...believe me..they've heard it all before and know when someone really wants to stop and change their life around..Do you really? Not just because you got caught...This could be a blessing in disguise...Even though I never abused my pain meds and took them as prescribed I knew something was up..because around the time for the next dosage I would be shaking and irritable and feeling like Hell if I was out and didn't have my meds to take...That scared me...into never going for more...plus I would watch a TV show called INTERVENTION..and that scared the cr@p out of me..People becoming addicted because of an accident or injury..I see how easily that could happen..My last visit to the Pain Center they wanted to UP my dose of Fentanyl...I was like where does this end!?!...I took the script and tore it up..I handed them my bottle of Morphine and the script for that for them to dispose of...I know they want to help...but I do not want to become a Zombie...I know you're scared..it will be alright..I'm on your side..I would never make judgements..He who casts the first stone....I wish the best for you in quitting and staying quit...Anj

[gnarly_1]

hi no cops got involvoved but I was given a certatfied leter from both doctors saying that they could no longer be my doctor and if there where to be a next time with any doctorors that the cops would be involved ...I guess I was lucky I was giving a reprieve...I do regreat it though the first doctor was one that believed in chiropractic adjustments and would alway aline me never found another doctor that did that I miss his deminor and his smile to this day....hope all goes well for you....google sub laws in canada it will probably give you a wealth of info and go in for that visit dont run ti will only make it worst.....we all make mistakes we regret ....God is a loving God that forgives
go to him and get this off your chest he can do amazing things.........Gnarly  

[GMcp]

HI!
ok im froma canada too, and yea this happens alot with ppl going to diff doctors, cuz they dont look to hard into it, so take a deep breath its gona be ok, im just about 2 months clean from them, and i didnt doctor shop but if i ran out to soo i would go to urgent care cuz they always give you some, but i know ppl who doctor shop and havnt ever got cought, so heres what you should do, you wanna get off them right? well go tell your sub doctor all of this, even tak your computer or print out of your first post here and say this is hard for me to say cuz im scarred but here read this, he will see you mean buisness! you wanna get clean so do it! go tell him'her and and ask for help, say its gotten this bad and you dont want it to get ne worse, it will be ok, if you come clean and wanna get clean then the worst he can do is take you off the program well then, come to get that when we get there, but you will not be in big troubble or n e thing in box me if you wanna talk

[Sad_Woman]

Can someone please tell me...can the police get involved over this? Or is it more likely I will just end up cut off?? Please tell me what happened when you got caught gnarly and sudie. I have been throwing up all day, my nerves are a mess. I know I brought it all on myself but please. I need to know what I'm looking at in terms of consequences here.

[Sad_Woman]

I've been trying to get up the guts all day to call my sub doctor. I know I have to but man, this is the hardest call I've ever had to make. And yeah, a blessing in disguise is right. What I'm really worried about though is can they involve the police? Does anyone know the canadian laws regarding this? The only thing that makes me think I might not get in trouble with the law is that I was seeing two different doctors yes, but for two different prescriptions. Still, I'm really worried about that. Gnarly, did they involve the police when you got caught? Sudie same question..I'm really scared about that. I have never gotten oxys from 2 different doctors at the same time but getting suboxone and oxy from two different doctors is obviously not allowed. I would understand if the sub doc threw me out of his practice. I would deserve it...and yes, a blessing in disguise really. Of course I have no intention of going back to the oxy doctor at all ever again. How I wish I was not so foolish to pull this stunt but if I've learned anything from it it's that enough is enough. I might even make some calls and go to a detox for a week. They have some in my area. I have never been so willling in my life to put an end to this now. Clearly the subs aren't the answer. And it goes without saying the oxys aren't either. I feel like I've truly hit rock bottom here. Nowhere left to go but up. I don't want to live like this anymore. I'm just so afraid if I call the sub doctor and tell him that he will lose it on me and involve the police..that's my biggest fear right now.

[mebroken]

don't worry! just go to your sub dr. and tell the truth. it's over. you already know that. so what's the worst the sub dr can do- yell at you? big deal. cut you off? well isn't that what you deep down REALLY WANT? :) start tapering yourself down today, now, immediately. this is really a blessing in disguise. this is your chance to get off all this junk,. go for it.

[Sanchez97]

Hang in there and keep us posted.  You are not a bad person, so try not to think like that.  Once this is all over you will realize how great you are.  Every now and then someone will take their post a little far.  Don't worry about it....just wait for the next one.  I'm detoxing right now too...from hydrocodone.  So if you ever want to pm me, feel free.  You many not be happy with yourself, but hey, everyone has regrets.  Everyone.  My list is quite long.  You are gonna be fine.  Be strong.

[sudie58]

hi, i just wanted to wish you well, you will get through this, we all mess up, big time! now and again, i live in uk and had two drs. at one time, they both threw me off their lists.
but , i was a mess at the time, but lived to tell the tale, and am fine now, good luck and best wishes.

[gnarly_1]

hi for me it was the begging if the end for pills I had been seeing 2 doctors this is in the day b/4 every one was linked up by computer even with that I ran out earlly so I showed up at an er at 3 in the morning waited forever finly seen the doctor and asked me why I just dident see my regular doctor I told him it was3 n the morning and couldn't stand it anymore he said....''lets give your doctor a call and ask him what to do''.....busted the computers wert linked but if they wanted to they could go threw and see where and when you where filling scrips they found out I was going to 3 differt pharmacy's with 2 doctors the sh it hit the fan I was banned to fill scrips in town anymore....would up at a pain management center and got put on methadone rode that out for 6 1/2 yrs finly detoxed after 16 1/2 yrs on the crap I consider it one of my greatest accomplishments life is a beautiful place once again  

[Sad_Woman]

Thank you Sara, reading your post made me feel better. I'm very afraid to face my sub doctor but your right, I have to come clean. Arrrgh, I think I know what rock bottom is now..and I hit it hard.

[Sad_Woman]

Gnarly can you tell me about what happened to you? Maybe pm me if you don't want to talk about it on the forum. but I understand if you don't. I'd just like to hear your story. I know I'm not the first person to do something stupid like this but I'm praying that the sub doctor (and oxy doctor) have some mercy on me. I'm trying to calm down but it's hard to do right now. My mind is racing and I feel sick to my stomach. I know I did it to myself but honestly, I never, ever wanted to become a frickin pill head.