SICK OF MISTRUST

[eaw102]

I posted here what feels a long time ago...my bf was addicted to smoking heroin for 3 years of which i was unaware, there were signs and i knew something wasnt right but never did i think Heroin. Anyway to cut a long story short, he admitted it like a cry for help, we went to intervention and i wasnt happy about methadone as i coped by researching it all. So subatex 16mg he started on. He;s been doing so well. 9 months down the line he takes 5 x 0.4mg a day. i see him take his tablets every morning. But my question is this...I see alot of habits returning that i noticed when he was doing heroin! Is this just me being paranoid? Last night my daughter got into our bed..so he slept in hers but before doing that he took his wallet out of his jeans and into the room with him? Also i came downstairs the other night  and he was outside, i thought he was smoking a cigarette but he quickly threw it came in and said can i have a one of your cigarettes i only smoked a nub!! i dont know i cant cope with this mistrust any longer. I could confront him but he just says i take my tablets every day...does this mean he still couldnt smoke heroin?? I was thinking of going to his meeting with him and asking for a urine test, but he keeps saying what do you need to come for they wont let you in anyway...Im so confused..is it me being paranoid or is my gut feeling right again. HELP

[marycarmel]

You have to remember his sobriety is NOT your job.  It's hard to sometimes differentiate the difference between being supportive and being controlling.  Counseling will help, even if you do it alone.

[eaw102]

Thank you i have really started disbelieving my own intistincts. I dont know if its me or him. I feel like i have to be on my guard all the time not believing anything or says and checking things for clues. It feels like a full time job! x Nice to know it isnt just me who have gone or is going through this.

[marycarmel]

I lived with an addict and relapses for years (not heroin.)  It is such a sickness, the lies, the deceit, the feelings of mistrust.  I knew it was time to walk away when I realized I was as sick as he was in a different way.  It wasn't easy on me or the kids.  If you can't or won't walk away now, then you need to get counseling together and figure out how to work through it.  For me, I would get so angry at myself for believing him, even in the face of real proof that his addiction was raging again.  I can't tell you how much better it is living without those feelings and suspicions.  It could make his addiction worse or it could be the wakeup he needs.

[eaw102]

someone help please. Hes promised hes not using again and sick of my accusations. But im finding bits of tobacco also in his hoodies! Am i looking too far i hate having to play spy games but i know he wouldnt tell me the truth!

[eaw102]

he is in an intervention programme at the moment and he said last night you can pee test me now im not doing it! But this morning he looked like crap and his skin is very sweaty again. I cant keep saying are you using because he knows the repercussions if he is. We are suppose to be getting married next year and i already cancelled once because of his confession this year. I just dont know what to do??? He is devious and sneaky and i fully understand the lengths he will go to to keep it from me, but now he has tried H, i feel it will be always be a factor in our lives, will i ever trust him again! i thought i was starting too until recently. I wish there was somewhere me and the kids could go for abit, but i feel this would only encourage the behaviour rather than nip it the bud. How do i even do that if he wont admit hes using again! I saw him take his tablets this morning but is this just getting him through his withdrawals until scoring? I dont even know how it works?

[weaver71]

It sounds like he's using or needs to recognize that addiction is a family disease. All your resentments, frustrations, and confusion are felt by many who love an active addict. He's not completely healed and neither are you, whether he is using or not. It takes time to rebuild a life in sobriety and trust in old relationships. You have to heal and maybe it's time to work on you. If you have somewhere to spend a little time alone, maybe it will help him remember how huge you are in his life. If he is using, maybe some time will help him get serious. If he's not using, then learn appreciation. If he's using, it will get worse. Each relapse gets worse, so do what it takes to nip it in the bud or fend for yourself. I came so close to ruining the lives of those who love me, I will spend my whole life making it up to them. We addicts are real good when we're good, and real bad when we're bad. Alanon is a good place to meet people who have lived with addicts and get advice and support. Maybe family counseling would help. Do it for you, and your life, he will have to do the same. See what length he's willing to go to gain back your trust. I'm sorry you are going through this. I really am. I hate all the stray bullets from addiction. Valla con Dios

[eaw102]

Thanks for the reply, i tried to discuss the issues last night, and said his behaviour is weird again, and why would someone take the wallett out of jeans in the middle of the night! He became very defensive and said i make him feel like doing Heroin cos i cant let it go. That hurt big time. We've been together 8 years and for 3 i didnt know he was using and had a real hard time thinking how i didnt guess, or how much he had lied and been devious so of course i cant just let it go. i have been supportive and tried to help him, i didnt kick him out, i love him..I really dont know where to go from here! If i mention it he goes off on one, so do i really have to just let it go???

[weaver71]

He can use H on subs, but the buprenorphine in subutex will block most of the effects. Buprenorphine has a high affinity for brain receptors, so it will cause most of the H to metabolize. He would have to use a lot to feel anything like he used to. The naloxone in suboxone is basically inert when taken orally, but will make a person very ill if injected. The fear I have is, if he takes enough to get high, he could go into respiratory arrest. He's taking 2 mg a day, so it's likely he's getting a little buzz off the H, but subs have similar side effects for some people. I felt emotionally detached and a little high from my subutex dose, but I was on 8mg a day. I would talk openly about your concerns. Tell him you're having trust issues, bring up the examples above. If he's defensive, he's probably doing something wrong. If he is working his recovery, he should be able to calmly listen and brainstorm solutions at 9 months on subs and going to meetings. Try not to attack, but share you concerns, don't be defensive yourself or give him an excuse to be defensive. I think that will help you understand you situation and what to do next. I'm glad he didn't go the methadone route. It took me years to get off that stuff, and it gets you much more high than subs. Good luck and Keep us posted.

[pitbullmom]

yes he can smoke h on subutex. he needs suboxone if he does h close to the suboxone he will get soo sick. it has naloxone in it which keeps him accountable. u can still do drugs with subutex. my sub dr wont even priscribe it. he also should hav random drug tests and therepy thats all part of the program. subutex is just another opiate. and u should have him et the sub films so he cant crush and snort them.