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10840970 tn?1413218401

Secret Addict Needing Advice (fentanyl)

I'm a 26 year old female who has fallen deep into drug addiction. Well.. this is a long story, so bare with me..
When I was a child, I grew up around addicton. My father was an addict..so were several of my aunts and uncles. So, I was welcomed into the world of drugs at an early age. Not as a user, but as a family member of an addict.
MY addiction started as a teenager. Trying pot..yadda yadda..no big deal. But then I was in a car accident....
and was prescribed a hefty dose of opiates as well as muscle relaxers. Was on those for awhile..even after the pain subisded. I must've not had too bad of withdrawals..as I don't remember anything horrific happening to my body after stopping the medications. Over the years, it got to the point where if it was around, I'd take it and not hesitate. I've even lied..stolen drugs from family, and made excuses to go to the hospital just to get ahold of narcotics. It's disgusting and I hate myself for it. I went through a benzo withdrawal about a year ago from Xanax. I have horrible anxiety from Dysautonomia. You can look that up later if you wish. It's difficult to explain. A psychiatrist prescribed me Xanax out the ying yang...and then I lost my insurance due to my husband leaving his job.
That's all water under the bridge. Now comes the RIGHT NOW issue. I've told you all of this above BECAUSE I wanted to give out my drug use history..and to kind of come out of the closet as a user. No one...NO ONE knows the extent of my habits. My fear of what would happen to my marriage and my family is detrimental so I feel this may be a safe place to talk.
I digress...
A friend of mine has a boyfriend who is prescribed the fentanyl transdermal patches. I started out by just "trying" one when I had a bad case of back pain. (I could've used ibprofun but...an addict is an addict...) And it just totally escalated to somewhere bad. It got to the point where I was buying them from her boyfriend on a weekly basis. It started with the 25's & 12's. Then her boyfriend started getting 50's. Well, I'm guessing he was using so many himself, he ran out of some to sell. Now...now I am questioning all of my actions throughout the years. And my actions RIGHT NOW. I have a wonderful marriage and two beautiful children. I realize doing all that I've done can harm more than just myself and I need help. I'm going through bad withdrawals. My skin is literally crawling. I can't sleep. My bathroom use is out of control. But there is no way..no how..I could ever tell my husband or my mother. (the two people in the world who I trust and love the most besides my children)
I know most of you may not understand and would suggest that I come out and tell to get good help...but I just can't. I simply can't. I'm in a dark place right now..and I'm hoping someone out there can understand what I'm going through and offer me advice and encouragement to keep moving forward to a clean life. I don't want to lose myself any further than I already have...and more importantly, I don't want to lose my family. Any advice?
Best Answer
Avatar universal
My God, you poor thing.

Take a moment and breathe.   You have come on here, and asked for help, but it is obvious what you need...at least to me it is.

Honey, you are living a lie and that is what has put you in a dark place.  Not the drugs.  The lie.   You say you cannot tell your husband or mother.  

What are you afraid of? That they will abandon you?  If they did, they aren't very good people.  You have to trust that these folks LOVE you.  

I am TWICE your age, so please just read what I have to say:

Love isn't about the good times.   Anyone can love someone when there is no stress, when life is rosy and wonderful and no one is in pain or needy.  Love is about being there when life *****.  When you are at your lowest.  When you feel worthless and someone puts out there hand and says "I'm here...I care."

You can read all about how to detox from opiates.  Its tough but you can do it.  I would argue that even if you get clean and don't tell your husband or mother, you will still have a base problem.  The addiction isn't the problem...it is the SYMPTOM of your problem.  

You are afraid of not being worthy of the love of these people.  That must be frightening and horrible.  

Honey, you were practically PROGRAMMED to be an addict.  From childhood it is all you have seen. Forgive yourself.  Have mercy for yourself, and know that you are not a bad person.  You have a very common problem and it doesn't make you unloveable.    

Go ahead and read all about withdrawals and how to get thru it and stay hidden if you want to.  I think it is a mistake. I'm not going to answer you and not tell you the truth in my heart.

Let me ask you one very important question:  if this were happening to one of your children...if one of them were YOU and had you as a mother (just as it is) would you want your child to tell you the truth? To come to you in honest and reveal how much suffering they were going through? Or would you prefer they keep it hidden and not tell you.    Would you want one of your beautiful children to stay hidden in a dark abyss, afraid they would lose your love?

You are at a crossroads honey.  A fork in the road.  Which path will you take?   Honesty, and healing?   Or more lies, hiding, scared, covering up who you really are....

Think about what I said and respond if you like.    I can tell from your writing skills and verbiage that you are bright.   Think HARD about this decision, because it is very important.   Be brave...dare to be yourself, and to love yourself through what is going to be a difficult process no matter WHAT you decide.

Godspeed, little one.  I will pray for you tonight.  

All my love and hope,
-R.  
14 Responses
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10840970 tn?1413218401
It's very nice to meet you Robin. I like the idea of being someone else but my name is Amanda. I still can't get the idea out of my head that telling my mother is a bad idea. My husband, I've decided, is a better outlet. I am afraid of his reaction to what I'm going to tell him, but I do know that he would probably not react the way I know that my mother will.
And you're very right... My childhood and what I went through (which is way WAY more than I disclosed...) is not something I'm going to use for blame. It was my choice & I accept that.
I'm glad I reached out via cyber-space. It's very nice to have someone, even virtually, to talk to who understands my problem & what I'm going through!
Helpful - 0
10840970 tn?1413218401
I used 12's, 25's, and 50's. One at a time. But- I also knew heat would make it work faster and be more potent. So I'd always take a hot shower after putting one on. I've been using for over a year.
Helpful - 0
10840970 tn?1413218401
I was glad to hear your response. Not in the sense that I'm glad that you were in the situation you were in, but glad to know that someone else has a VERY similar situation to mine that can relate. I am planning on telling my husband. I highly HIGHLY doubt I will ever tell my mother... At least not for awhile. I know it would hurt her so deeply and she would fly off the handle. My husband is more likely to be more understanding. Thank you for your advice. It helps more than you know. And good luck with everything!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Great advice about writing a letter to your husband, that is what I did. I wanted to make sure i hit everything I wanted to say.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I'm so glad, honey.   I was crying as I wrote that response to you.  

Pick a time, rehearse what you are going to say.   Start with one person; who do you trust more, your mom or your husband?    You can even WRITE down what you want to say...a letter...and then read it to that person.   Start from the beginning..what you wrote here about your childhood was very powerful.  But you aren't going to blame anyone...you're going to take responsibility for this problem, get clean, and then figure out WHY you needed be high.

Opiates are pain killers.  You have deep pain that needed killing.  

Congratulations on recognizing this.   You're probably going to need therapy, maybe group, or one-on-one...to dig deep at the demons that are causing this pain you so desperately needed to kill.

I know this is kind of weird...the internet allows people to connect in a way that we never have before. 25 years ago I would never have had the chance to know you, talk to you, form some sort of cyber-bond.  

But the technology is here, and I think it is wonderful.  I grew up before computers and cell phones, but I've always been open-minded.  I'm glad I got a chance to know you.    My name is Robin. I'm not afraid to tell you that.  I'm going to call you Abby...(short for "abyss").

You are a smart, kick-*** woman, and you're going to come out of this stronger and better than you've ever been...keep me posted if you like, but if you choose not to, I understand.

Pray.  Write.  Calm.   Everything little thing gonna be alright...

-R.
Helpful - 0
8976007 tn?1413330650
please don't beat yourself up.  

80% of addicts are parents at some point. either in recovery or active addiction.

children learn what they live.  you learned about horrible things no child should know about.  it is NOT your fault.  

i commend you for seeing the issue and wanting to change.  that is more than most would do in your shoes.  just keep telling yourself 'I DO NOT WANT MY CHILDREN TO LIVE MY CHILDHOOD' and do everything in your power to make sure that doesn't happen.  you sound like a loving, caring mom who doesn't value herself.  
so many of us addicts use to keep those feelings at bay.  we don't want to feel.  you have a husband and kids.  you have more than a lot of people.

we do NOT have to be what we were told we were as kids.  break the cycle.
go to inpatient rehab that deals with dual diagnosis.  if you never work on what makes you use, then you will always be fighting this addiction.

there is a wonderful world (you were never shown) out there waiting for you. your kids are waiting to see it as well.
give your husband the benefit of the doubt.  tell him.  you may be surprised how supportive he may be.  if not, well keep working on you and if you decide that 'new', healthy, sober you still wants him, so be it.  if not, show your kids what a sober mom is like and show them the world.

our jobs as parents is to prepare them for life.  teach them all they need to know to be happy and successful in life.  

you can do this, but you really need professional help to get to the root of the addiction.

addicts are the most caring, loving people there are when they are in recovery.  you will meet many of them here.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I just wanted to tell you that I know exactly how you feel. I am a distinguished professional, a scholar and the mother to two beautiful 5 year old boys. My husband is the guy that everybody wanted to be friends with or date.  From the outside, it would appear that I have everything.  No one would have suspected that I have been battling an opiate addiction for the past 5 years.  I never thought I could tell my husband; I am stealing his medication that he needs for his chronic pain (all those years of sports and bad genetics).  Furthermore, his sister is a addict and he has never hidden his disdain about it. I could also never tell my parents, and I still haven't. I ultimately did tell my husband and it was the best thing i ever did.  While he may not necessarily have understood, he was grateful that I told him and willing to help any way he could. I felt like a weight was lifted. I still will not tell my parents, at least not now. But I had to tell someone close to me, and so do you. Not only does it make you accountable but you need the support! I explained to my husband that addiction is an illness and crosses all socioeconomic classes. We pledged to take a vow through sickness and in health and just like he is sick, so am i. We just have different illnesses, and I certainly didn't kick him to the curb when he became disabled.  We are taking it day by day and it i am grateful to have him by my side.  This board is also a God send, post often. You took the first step!
Helpful - 0
8976007 tn?1413330650
how were you using the fentanyl?  were you wearing the patch?
how long were you using it???

only asking these questions because they are important because they will effect the way you detox, length of detox, severity of withdrawals, etc.

also, want to point out the obvious (may be obvious to you, but just in case others read this in the future i feel it is worth writing)
fentanyl can be DEADLY.  even if used many times and had no close calls, even if wearing as prescribed, but especially deadly if eaten or taken in a way it is not supposed to be taken. 1 or 10 times using may not cause death, but the next time it could.  it is the most deadly drug on the market. imho
i usually never judge, but when it comes to fentanyl, the person you got it from was NOT a friend.  you just don't sell or give something so deadly to anyone.  not judging you, you are an addict, but the person you got them from should really make you think about having this person in your life.  

i was on the patch for nearly a year.  50 mcg every 48 hrs. took my last patch off on july 7 of this year.  did not taper at all because my doctor does not believe people will withdrawal from this med.  i am still not ok.  still have RLS, but the biggest is the EXTREME fatigue and i mean EXTREME. never experienced anything like this in my life.   it also caused issues with my adrenal and pituitary glands, which is likely one of the issues with the fatigue, do not know if that is permanent or not yet.

it was a very painful and horrible detox.  not going to lie to you or sugarcoat it at all.  but, will wait for the answers to my questions before i can begin to try and help you.  

you are VERY SMART to get off this nasty drug.


Helpful - 0
10840970 tn?1413218401
Your response made me burst out in tears. How could I not see that? You are SO right it's unreal. It's like a ton of bricks just got lifted off of my shoulders in a way. It's hard for me right now to forgive myself. To be a mother to children and be on drugs alone makes me feel like the worst person that could be. What kind of mother feels like she needs to be high to live when you have two innocent beautiful faces like theirs to wake up to every morning? I feel selfish. It's going to be hard for me to tell the people that are closest to me, but I'm going to think on it--pray on it--and just do it, I suppose. I don't know when or how at this point, but I am going to think about it. I don't want to be a liar.
Helpful - 0
10840970 tn?1413218401
^it's starred out as a cuss word but all I said was s u c k s lol
Helpful - 0
10840970 tn?1413218401
I am very thankful for the advice. And I am very appreciative of all advice..regardless if I want to hear it or not. It's good for me to hear it. I guess I just have to think of a way to tell him (my husband). It might take me a little while to get to a place where I can come clean to him but I guess you all are right... it has to be said. Just not right this instance. However, I did talk to my Aunt about it. She is also an addict but has been clean for a long time. She is the only person I thought of to confess to who could help me through it without harsh criticism or dire consequence. She is offering all she can to help me get through this. Even staying at my home with me for a little while so I can detox. Considering I didn't have a prescription for the drug AND I haven't had the chance to pick a family doctor for myself & husband. (We just moved) We have yet to get the insurance cards in the mail.
I know this much for now though, I do NOT want to become the monster that I know I could and WOULD become further feeding this addiction. My husband and children are my life and I don't want to be high all the damn time. I want to feel good without it. And it ***** that I felt like I needed that horrible crap to be happy.
Helpful - 0
7689249 tn?1408018598
let me share something with you i had a 15 year pretty heavy opiate habit i have been with my husband for 12 years i JUST told him this past june go back and read my old posts everyone on here told me i had to tell him ...nope NOT AN OPTION i would always say no way NO HOW and kept trying to get clean in secret and it DID NOT WORK it will never EVER work if you dont tell him and get his support i finally got the balls to tell him my husband my son my mom my dad and everyone much to my surprise my husband b/c he HATES pills and looks down on all who abuse them and here is his wife telling him she is addicted to pills then 2 months later i told him i had to go to rehab i just couldn't quit i am out of rehab 2 weeks clean 43 days and i have never felt this good all the other times i have tried to quit on my own now i understand just how frustrating it was for people on here to here me say no i can't tell him and I've just relapsed I'm telling you you must tell him my husband surprised the sheet outta me and I'm sure yours will too you have two kids who need you straight not all effed up on drugs a life like that will get you nowhere FAST keep us posted and i wish you all the luck with this :)
Helpful - 0
2083449 tn?1381354708
Hi there, welcome to the forum. There is lots of advice here. Many of us have been in a similar situation as you. You may not want to hear some of the advice you are given. As you have admitted, you are an addict.  Although I do not have any personal experience with Fentanyl, I have read that it is one of the most difficult substances to withdraw from. There are other members here who do have experience with Fentanyl, and hopefully they will weigh in.  You will need help as you fo theough this process. Not just detoxing from Fentanyl, but with aftercare to help keep you clean. You said you cant tell your husband or your mother, and yet you say that you love and trust them more than anyone else in the world. Why can't you trust them with this? Is there anyone you can talk to about this. Friends, or perhaps another family member? After detoxing you will need to get aftercare. This means something like AA/NA meetings, therapy, counseling, church groups, etc.  If you dont get aftercare, then the rate of relapse is very high. So, you see, you can not do this completely alone.

In order for you to succeed in getting and staying clean, you will need to first, cut off all your sources for drugs. Tell your dealers that you are done. Also any doctors if you are getting anything from them. Second, you will need to get through detox which can take about a week to 10 days or longer before the acute symptoms start to subside. Third, you will need to get into some form of aftercare.

Read the Thomas Recipe, the link is at the bottom of the page, for some good info on how to relieve some of the withdrawal symptoms. As I said, others will be along to offer advice and support. Take care. Keep posting with any questions, and let us know how you are doing. I wish you all the best!
Helpful - 0
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