Hi people ,
Just discovered the website trying to get some info on speed comedown and it lead to some kind of a reflection about myself and a question popped up in my mind : Should I get help ?
I am pretty sure I could use some, even if now my situation is still pretty much Ok , I don't feel like my life is gowing toward an amelioration. My main problem is that I can't bear to be left alone with my thoughts. It seems stupid like that I know, but I just hate that situation and will try anything to avoid it by any means, most of the time unconsciously . It results in a more or less heavy consumption of a lot of drugs.
Lets start with a precision ; I am not what you could call a « hard drug » drug addict . Regarding hard drugs I mostly consume party drugs such as MDMA, Cocaine,Speed and E. So not that often.
Recently , whithout me actually noticing, there was a slight shift in my consumption.
I have been a heavy cannabis smoker for years now, I don't know how long exactly , probably 6-8years. I used to smoke a lot of small joints before but its been a few months now that I don't feel the product to be efficient enough. I have increased my consumption from 0,5 to 1+ gram/ day these past few months and still feels its not enough. I buy a few beers at the supermarket, end up getting shitfaced on my own ( only some night thank god but happens often enough to be mentionned here).
As I said before party drugs used to be very occasional. I remember that Decembre last year I bought my first ever gram of ( real;) ) cocaine.
From April this year I started to go out a lot more than I used to and thus my consumption rose as well, both of drugs and especially of alcohol.Younger, not that I am old now, I am 26, I used to get a real good control over myself, I was always able to be drunk, most of the times too much, but not too the point it gets to now. I barely remember any party I drunk alcohol at for the past few months and I have had way more than once a week ! I always end up really drunk, because I believe I am craving the feeling of being drunk, I want it quick and hard.
Obviously it often does not end well, mostly for me, I behave in such ways when drunk ( very outgoing yet very aggressive and a complete lack of self control, tolerance 0 to any kind of frustration ), I often feel so down in the morning piecing together the previous night which only triggers my need to forget yet again...
Regarding the illegal hard drugs. I learned to love cocaine despite its price, I love how everything feels so good and natural when you are under , plus the energy boost is nice too . I don't take much MDMA but sometimes I would take Extasy or Speed such as tonight, depending on what's available.
I actually just discovered that these can be addictive too ( I knew about Cocaine but am especially careful with it given how good it is;just sniffed by day on ¾ occasions in order to make the coming down easier or go back to party ) . In my mind there was no point in doing MDMA two days in row , how can addiction be possible then ? For example , are'nt you supposed to be all depleted and stuff ? But probably I am missing something cause Cocaine would be the same according to my logic. Anyway, as you can see I am getting lost in my own thoughts. This is not a preestablished train of thoughts, I apologize if its tedious, out of focus or just plain stupid:)
To get back to the subject of this text, I am definitely not addicted to these substances physically but they become a much larger part of my night life, what used to be a once every 6-8 months turned into more of a weekly rendez-vous. Here the purposes are different, it is mostly about endurance ( I would never take these if I am in a normal club (as opposed to a rave or hardcore party for instance) unless friends are taking, again except maybe for cocaine sometimes if I don't feel confortable), desinibition, overall feel good sensation.
So.... Lets try and make a short conclusion ;
I am not physically addicted to any hard drug ( only tobacco). I think I could say a few months back with absolute certainty I did not have a problem with alcohol but I am not so sure I can say that anymore. I now consume alcohol quite regularly ( beer only at home ) in conjunction with cannabis when it used to be an emergency replacement product only. Add to the count the numerous times I have been out these past 7 months and the fact that I never even tried once to drink responsibly.
I am probably ( you know how it goes, its 8,30am , I am coming home directly from partying still pretty much a lot ****** up, I have little trust in my capacities to stick to this plan but hope putting this in writting will have an impact, thus « probably ») ) going to try and stop completely alcohol for at least a 2 weeks period and see how it goes. I have a lot of work to do so its the perfect moment not to be sollicited by peer pressure. Your opinion on the matter is welcome ( just like on any other btw ) .
I am a big cannabis consumer. Although I don't believe in physical withdraw regarding the product I am dependent psycholigicaly , up to a point that, even though I know I have the capacities to do so I don't think I would be able to stop myself without another product coming into play. I am basically adicted at being addicted , or in another state of mind than my own , as long as the job is done its what matters the most. I believe my anxiety when in an unknown or unconfortable environments could be linked to this consumption ( maybe I am just being paranoid ^^)
My rising consumption of hard drugs is also worrying. Because its not very clear before , lets talk numbers. I am probably being paranoid here because my consumption has been pretty low so far.
I basically consumed less than 20 grams of cocaine lifetime, 1 gram of MDMA, around 20 E, 2 grams of speed. I am far from matching the profile of a longterm addict and I do realise my preocupations might be silly , please do tell if so !
Addiction is a very insidious process that is often noticed once its too late. I don't want to realise in a few years that I became a polytoxicoman whithout even realising it. Also withdraw involves not touching the product ever again, which I don't really intented to, just be able to do it in a "healthy" mind set.
When I look back at this (wall of) text , something jumps to my face, it all comes down to surrendering to illusions and avoiding my actual problems I think. I could be mistaking but drugs are probably more of a symptom of me not being able/willing to deal with my life ;
Therefore I am guessing it is there I should start digging, I just don't know where to start or what to do so I turn to you guys !
If you made it till the ends.... well …......Congrats and thanx.