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710423 tn?1271161074

Sick/ Pain/ self-pity

I hate this place. Last night was first night i went thru the night sweats, leg cramps, back ache, insomnia (even though I  had taken a xanax)...I woke to every noise, or every movement from Sam, and was in constant pain.
And with dropping from 7 of them a day to 4 of them a day in 2 days, I didn't think it would be such a bad jump seeing how I had cut the 40 per day to 20 without any problems, and then 20 to 15 , and then 15 to 10.
So why was i able to make those jumps, but not a little jump like minusing 3 pills???
I am good at tapering, which IS a blessing, I know, but I don't understand why it's hurting this bad.
Today Im down to 3. So scared.
so very scared.
amy
19 Responses
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710423 tn?1271161074
Never mind.
I just read a chrissy's post...
She is new. I know what i have to do. Excercise and eat and move and get out of my head and take showers.
Instead I am sitting on the couch reclining watching tv, listening to music and waititng for someone else to fix me....
Sheesh.
Thank God for NEWBIES to detox!!!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
For what is worth my doctor had said that the lower you taper the harder it is.  

I can't remember the concept at this point but for some reason I think it is true.
Helpful - 0
710423 tn?1271161074
Yes, your doctor is correct. But my case was truly a matter of life or death. I was up to so many, that death was whispering in my ear at night when I slept.

I had no choice but to quit the way I did, for I didn't have one day left. I had used all 9 lives and was literally hanging on by a string....

I was yellow. My eyes were yellow. I couldn't poop, barely pee, and had stopped eating anything but the green devils.

I had stopped being a mom. I had forgotten how to love, live, laugh or cry.

I had become numb to any emotion except "yearning' if that is even an emotion. And that which I yearned for, well it was only the first high....I chased and chased and chased until I reached 40  a day.....

So, I could have tapered slowly, but then there would not be this pain that is here now, to remind me of where I am coming from, and that I surely do not want to go there again.

I was in self pity when I wrote that....
It was my disease speaking.

Best of luck to you. You can do this. It's not as bad as your mind makes you think it is.
Thomas Recipe works wonders, as do hot baths and walks - I play ping pong and when I do, I get a high like I have never known....

Amy
Helpful - 0
736475 tn?1281259327
please remember how miserable you are, and what caused that misery. i know for me, after a short time, i would relapse, having forgotten the pain and misery of detox. my last detox put me in the E.R., so please learn from my mistakes. put a big scratch in that record so you can't play it again. oops, i am dating myself. i meant to say C.D.. best of luck......to us all. peace. hope you find it. sway
Helpful - 0
710423 tn?1271161074
thanks doll!!
I too remember the record, so let's be kind to ourselves on that one!!!! (:

I will remember. This time I have God, support, and honesty.

Amy
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I have watched your taper for some time now.  You have done a great job, so far.  Now its crunch time.  You are about to be tested.  I know you will pass this test with flying colors.  Just try to keep yourself in the moment at hand during the worst of it.  When I was in the darkest days of my detox/wd earlier this year, it was God that kept his hand on my back and pushed me thru, one day at a time.  Sometimes I prayed for him to help me thru another minute or for even another breathe, but he is always  there for you.  

The good news is that once I got thru to the bright side, the pain wasn't nearly as bad as I remembered.  The pills can fool you into thinking it is much worse that it may actually be.  I would never have believed that I could have gone without and not just be in misery all the time, but, guess what, I can and so can you.  If you can get to NA meetings, please start now if your not already going.  I waited a long time and now wish I had started in the beginning.  Be strong, think baby steps, not leaps and bounds.  This is a war, not just a battle.  You are in my prayers.  Guv
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
You are doing really well with your taper and like guv said it is crunch time.  I cant really add anything else to what has already been said.  Just know that it wont be long now and you will really be free.  Stay positive in your thinking as that will really help.  We are just a click away......Lean on us.        sara
Helpful - 0
710423 tn?1271161074
Thanks.
Needed that.
You are correct that it is God that is keeping His hand on me during this time. I, alone, am a junkie, an addict, a liar, thief and anything else you can think of ....
I, with Him, am able to conquer.
It seems like the light is finally shining and I am just moments away from my first real breath.
Thank you so much for your words.
As far as meetings go, I was in NA/ AA for many years. I have found celebrate recovery at lakewood church here in Houston. I am unsure if I will go to NA again, maybe that is pride talking, i dont know. But I do know I will be involved in some type of aftercare.
Take care
Amy
Helpful - 0
710423 tn?1271161074
I'm a' leanin'
Can't you tell?? (:
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495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Leeeeeeeean away.  That is what we are here for.  You have a good positive outlook and you have an open mind.  That is a BIG plus!!!  
Helpful - 0
710423 tn?1271161074
Open mind, yes. Probably FAARRRR more open than it should be, but open it is!!
Odd that I can't find the positive outlook right now...Would really love to feel that at this moment.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi Amy,

I really can't add much more than what has been already posted to you. Just " keep on truckin" girl! It takes time for your body to adjust each time you drop a pill. Especially from the level of your intake. I call them mini w/d's.  I think it is a great way to ring in the New Year.

I said to myself this time last year I wouldn't be in the situation I found myself in this New Years. Well I guess I am not. I wasn't even tapering last year. Just trying to make it til my next doctors appt. I knew last year that I didn't want to continue living as I was. That much I did know, not much more.

Since I have found this forum it has helped me in so many ways I never thought possible. I have found myself in a place where the support is 24/7.

Happy New Year to you Amy!  
You are doing GREAT!!!    :) Your Friend Katie
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi Amy,

Just read my post & I know you may be thinking, "great way to ring in the New Year"? Huh? Not really! But what I mean that is you are looking at LIVING the next year and many, many others clean. I can't think of a better way to bring in 2010. Even though you may be feeling like, you know what, just think of "how great" next New Years will be.You are a very strong women to be able to taper from 40 to 4 a day. Tapering takes an incredible amount of willpower!!      Katie
Helpful - 0
710423 tn?1271161074
I understood ya! I feel the same way about starting new year fresh, clean, new.
It will be the very best present I could ever give myself.
Thanks so much for the support. Need it today like crazy!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I will be off and on here all day. Have to jump off now and at least get out of my pj's. I have spent the year 2009 in pj's more than I ever have my entire life. I mean I love my pajamas but still. I think that my husband would love to see me in something else besides a pair of flannel pajamas. You are quite welcome and will continue to give whatever I can. We can support each other!
Helpful - 0
1151856 tn?1262283896
Amy,
       You can do this just stay focused on your goal, take showers and eat good. Always remember you are not alone and you are Loved. Jesus will help just ask!! You are doing great. Have you tried the Thomas Recipe it did real good for Joey he said it was well worth it!!! I hope the New Year brings you strength to overcome any obsticles you may face on your journey to sobriety.
                                                            Edi
Helpful - 0
710423 tn?1271161074
yes have had the thomas recipe.
thanks for support.
thisisit- yes we can support one another. cant type so well today,but am reading....
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
wow, you are doing amazing!!
that is kind of strange that you had such a bad nite though.
i quit like 2 years ago. but i will still have a night of no sleep and RLS if i have any caffiene late in the day. just something to keep in mind.
you are doing a great job, happy new year!
Helpful - 0
710423 tn?1271161074
Thanks so much.
I had the bad night because I cut it quick. 40-20, for a week, then 20-15 for 2 days, then when I got to 7 i jumped down to 4 the next day. That was my error. Only, it wasn't an error because I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

And it s ucks.

(:
Helpful - 0
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