So Disappointed

[Melissa2283]

Today was my fifth day, and I am so ashamed to admit it, but I gave in.  If I gave it another 2 days it would have been a damn week.  I was going through my things and I found an oxy.  I don't even know how it was there, being that when I was using that would have NEVER happened.  It was like God was testing me, and I failed miserably.  I felt so tired, anxious and bad this morning, that the thought of feeling normal for a few hours got to me.  This is so hard, and I was almost over the hump.  I decided to look into a program that I can possibly go to, even though I don't know how I would even do that because no one knows about this and I can't just disappear.  5 days down the drain.  Now since I took one pill, what is going to happen tomorrow? Does anyone know? I need help. Will I wake up sick as if I was using every day now? Or will I just go back to how I was feeling before I took it (just anxious and not being able to sleep).  The thought of waking up and having to go through w/d from day one is making me nervous.  Hopefully after 5 days though my body stopped being actually "addicted" and I won't be dope sick.  I don't know, I don't know anything..I just know that I need help.

[Melissa2283]

Littlebit667- Thank you! It makes me feel  good to see that many addicts hit bumps in the road, and I am not, or shall I say, NEVER alone.  I did one 80mg pill this afternoon, and even though I messed up, I realize now it is part of the process.  I am no longer going to beat myself up.  Like I said in one of my earlier posts, tonight I will be able to sleep, so I am embracing it, and telling myself I will now be well rested, and stronger for tomorrow.  This site has been a life changer for me.  Even though I slipped, everytime I come on here (which since I have joined 2 weeks ago, I have been on literally all day, every day), it gives me hope, and motivation.  I have never been a big believer in God or a higher power, but I can tell you that in the past few days, I have started praying.  I prayed a few minutes ago that God will give me the strength for tomorrow.  That God will be on my side and help me get through this.  Even though I just started believing, it feels good to ask for help to a higher power.  Before I relapsed today, even though I felt horrible, I felt more clear headed and when I stepped outside, it was like the breeze was so refreshing.  I also think that the past 5 days I have been in bed, and it was making me feel worse.  It's so sad that since I took that pill today, I got so many things done (laundry, clean, etc).  I know people say you have to force yourself to get up and do things, but how?  Even though I couldn't lay in bed anymore, and I was  so restless, I couldn't gather up the strength to go anywhere.  Even getting up to go to the bathroom was hard.  I looked at the stairs in my house and wanted to cry.  Tomorrow will be a new, fresh day.  Please pray for me to be strong, I want this more than anything.  THe past few days, even feeling bad, and not sleeping for long periods of time, it felt amazing to even be able to wake up and not need anything to be ok.  After today, and after the pill starts to come out of my system, I am begging God that I feel ok and my withdrawals don't come back full swing.  I am ok if I feel how I did before my slip, I can handle it,  just not anything worse.  Thank you all..I sincerely mean it from the bottom of my heart.  Anyone who is struggling (like me)...GET ON THIS WEBSITE AND STAY ON IT.  People you don't even know help you get through it.  God bless everyone who has been helping me, I hope everyone stays strong, and true to themselves. <3

[littlebit667]

Reminded me of the first time I came here and was trying to get clean (Sept, 2011).  I was doing pretty good, been clean about 2 weeks or so.  I remember the first week...going thru my desk...hoping!  Looking under the desk..hoping! going thru my purse and drug drawer..hoping!  Nothing!  Went to the spare bedroom and decided to make the bed!  Oops...sitting there in the middle of the blankets was a pill!  Do I know how it got there??  NO.  Did I take it...you betcha!  I will say...did absolutely nothing.  Did not feel a thing.  It was like I took an aspirin.   When I did truly relapse a few weeks later .I realized I was not truly ready....it has taken awhile for me to get here..  Sick??  yep.....addict is an addict. I finally got that in my head.  Did not like to admit that, but had to.  I am an addict and I always will be.  I will not be a practicing addict, but will always have to be aware of that part of me.  One day at a time.  

Do not beat yourself up.  Move forward and remember how close you came.  I did not and relapsed.   The difference was I did not come here for help and it ate at me as I kept the secret.

[smiles4eva]

I know you are disappointed but you have to let it go.  Hopefully it is a lesson learned and flush if you find another.  I am quite sure you will be fine tomorrow :)

[Elmijack15]

Very unlikely that you'll be back to square one if it was only one pill, bump in the road as others have said. Don't dwell on that, let it go! Just stay on course from here on out :-)

[Melissa2283]

Thanks again Rick...btw Jersey here too!

[quitinoxys]

No you shouldn't feel the same w/d but people are different. Just get back on the horse and keep on the trail. Use the relapse as a lesson learned and DON'T DO IT AGAIN. I wish you luck---Rick

[Melissa2283]

Thank you everyone!!!!!!!!  You are all amazing!  I know you guys prob. answered this at some point, but I need a little more re-assurance.  Tomorrow when I start my first day again, I will NOT be at day 1 with w/d since the w/d symptoms were almost gone in my 5 days.  It's the only thing I keep thinking about, but I can't wait to start again. XOXO

[IBKleen]

While relapse is not a requirement for getting clean, there is no sense beating yourself up over it. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back on track. And I am going to copy and paste what I wrote to you yesterday because it is screaming to be repeated:

"As you are finding out, getting clean is the easy part. Staying clean is where the work comes in. I suggest that you get yourself involved in some form of aftercare. Both you and your partner could benefit".

[Fireby29]

Don't feel bad Melissa, I have relapsed a good three times since 2012 started.  They key for me has been to cut off ALL supply.  If I found one, I like to think I would trash it, but if I found three. . . .

Your on your way, it will take awhile to build that strength to savor your clean time.  You can do this, keep plugging.

Bryan

[quitinoxys]

Hey Melissa we have all been there. I was about 28 days clean and found some percs and I was in soooo much pain I took one. So I know how you feel, the best part about that experience was I learned when things like that happen you need to reach out and talk to someone. Aftercare is also key on staying sober as you learn tools to that help you work through situations such we ALL experience. Please keep up the good fight you will be glad you did so Keep on Keepin on. God Bless---Rick

[Elmijack15]

Yes you can do this, heck you did it for 5 days!  :-) take the meds your doctor gave you to help you right now, you're trying to stop the narcotics and trying tp not take anything else and you're making it worse. A good night sleep does wonders, I knew when I read your post earlier that you were at a breaking point. He gave you 2 Xanax a day, take it when you start freaking out. Goal right now is to get off the narcotics and yes, some type of counseling will help, just feels good to let it out!

[Melissa2283]

Thank you Elmijack15!  I think the bad night sleep is what did me in, but I am going to follow your advice and try again.  If I did it for 5 days, I can do it again.  I feel so relieved.  :-D

[Elmijack15]

Hey there don't beat yourself up one pill is not going to set you back five days but you need to catch yourself and not do that again, if you find one, get rid of it! No need to feel ashamed, we understand. Go get some sleepy time tea and take that with the Xanax your doctor prescribed tonight and get some sleep. I know you had a bad night so it just makes everything worse. Hang in there, chin up and get back on!! :-)

[dominosarah]

I wouldnt focus so much on the wd.  It is the mental part that is the tough one.  Dont beat yourself up, just look at what you can do differently so this doesnt happen again.  Aftercare will help a ton.

[Melissa2283]

Thank you guys so much, you guys are making me feel so much better.  I'm glad to know it won't set me back, I was scared I would have w/d from day 1.  All you guys are amazing on here, and I am so grateful to have found this site.  xoxo

[Joycemac02]

It's like wransomejr said, let it be a bump in the road. I had deoxed off methadone for 5 days and couldn't take it anymore I went to the hospital and told them the truth. They gave me a shot of morphine and sent me home with some adivant to get over the hump. It did not set me back at all. But I can't believe I didn't look at it as an opportunity to throw it all away. Good luck.

[wransomejr]

Just keep moving forward. May set you back a little but not a lot in the big picture. If you can claim your self control and not do a full relapse just consider it a bump and don't feel like your 5 days don't count. They do. Good luck. You are not the first nor the last. The big thing is to get stopped. One bump in the road isn't the end of the world. Just keep your eye on the prize and if you find another run, don't walk, and flush the d*** thing! Peace.