why do you use....

[dyingtolive3]

As im sitting here thinking about my own addiction and pending recovery..ive been thinking back to a time in my life not so long ago when i didnt use drugs. Im trying to understand addiction and the need it fulfills. I know for me, i went through a terribly painful divorce, lost everything ..18 years worth of life was gone in a moment it seemed. i had to start over...literally i had nothing. i clawed my way back to life and then my kids grew up and left home..the empty nest ..the  deafening silence...thats when i started to self meidcate and from there became addicted. i wanted happiness , i wanted freedom from a dark depression. Pills made me feel good and happy..things i hadnt felt in a long long time...so tell me friends...what was it that made you start using...addiction is new to me and im trying my best to understand it....

[dyingtolive3]

Thanks to you all for your honesty and vulnerability. Im learning alot and hopefully some day all this 'first hand experience and knowledge" will do somebody some good.i used to think God has some amazing purpose for my life. as ive gotten older Ive realized that while that was my dream..to acomplish great things..i dont think it is Gods plan for me. But whatever I am here to doo. i dont think i can do it when Im pilled up. This might be my last chance to 'do something' good with the mediocre life I do have.

[Pat1956100]

I started to numb the pain of losing my husband and sister.  I would have done anything to take that pain away and percocets were the answer.
I had asked many times for help from my doctor but he told me sometimes you just have to help yourself.  Well I did help myself.
I stayed in bed for 5 years popping percocets like candy.  I was diagnosed with PTSD and severe depression and I was helping myself through it.
What a waste of 5 years.  Unfortunately my family couldn't help because they were grieving too.  Now I am trying to pick up the pieces of those wasted years and see what I have left.  If only...................................................

[dominosarah]

Im not really sure why either.  It was the early 70's and it was all over the place.

[Sonrissa]

Lynn! So many of us are alike! That's why we all get along so well!! SMILE!!

[Free2agoodhome]

It hits people differently, but my addiciton started immediately after surgery. I was going through a tough time emotionally. I could not beleive how good i felt in 20 minutes....sadly that buzz is gone..I spent the next year and a half chasing that feeling all the while teling myself "hey it's prescribed" not like im an addict or anything....  ;-)

Sensitivity is a classic trait of addictive people. They (including myself) feel at very deep levels. Things like..break up , loss or anything that involved too much feeling made me uncomfortable. I'm not good with it...I'm a slow healer...but the opiates hijack the brain and fakes it in to thinking theres no pain just a warm fuzzy feeling about everything....

Which did nothing but delay the teachings I was supposed to sit through and eventually heal from...It stole time from me....

So i accepted it...if i take opiates I will abuse them..guaranteed. No need to test the theory anymore,,,,


Rootin for ya..

Free~

[Ladyluck8]

Great question...these posts are so moving. I started using from being around coworkers who loved to party. And I just couldn't keep up. So, I tried a pill. Then I started to self medicate away the fear and loathing of myself. Numbness...it was a big price to pay. It didn't seem like it at the time. Now, I am left with pieces of myself. And I feel lost. I feel like I woke up in a life I didn't like. And I had been lying about it to myself with the buzz.
After being off of the pain killers for a month and a half, I am starting to see things a lot more clearly.
I know a guy whose been in NA like ten years, and his life really works. He's grateful and his life flows...I hope to find that contentment that I was faking before. L

[kyle505]

I haven't discovered my motivation for using, other than I'm an addict. From a long line of addicts. And the pills made me feel good; not necessarily better than a natural high. Maybe someday I'll find out what is running my addict's brain. Til then I just won't use.

[lynnalb15]

Sonarissa I just read your post. You and me are a lot alike!

[lynnalb15]

Honestly I started using to come out of my shy shell. I've never been. A people person and was diagnosed with social anxiety. It felt like my only way out. And I landed with a bad crowd. Now I wish I would have just been that shy girl my whole life. But then I wouldn't have my daughter. It's a bittersweet thing for me. I just wish I was sober currently so I could be okay with my past. But I wouldn't change a thing except using after her being born. I want to be the best I can be for her. And the only way I can is to get sober.

[Sonrissa]

Honestly, for me I think it was a lot of self loathing and loneliness! I just couldn't stand my life, or lack there of! I was alone, and had moved to a new state and I didn't know anyone! Plus, I am extremely and painfully shy! Hard to believe, if you read my posts, I know! The pills made me so outgoing and no longer shy! I began to speak my mind! The thing is, the pills worked, until they no longer worked and I started to isolate myself even more than before I started taking pills! It was a horrid roller coaster, and I finally said enough is enough!!

[Bkitty]

Depression. The pills gave me a false sense of self. I had more energy, was able to take on anything in the world. I was self medicating because I was in pain (mentally and emotionally). I self medicated with pain medication~ironic? Maybe. It was just easier to take a pill and feel better temporarily than deal with what I was feeling. This lasted 8 yrs. 8 years of my life that I can never take back. Then it turns into a viscious cycle of chasing pills and chasing the high. I was placed on anti depressant medication and its weird because once I addressed the underlying depression my need to want to take a pill decreased. Oh I still want them-I just seem to be able to manage my life and deal with the feelings being sober. ((hugs))~Bkitty