Sorry..not a question..more of journaling but wanting someone to read it. voyureism?

[Dave2824]

Well, its  been a while since my last post. I started looking at this website about a month ago again nd I guess that was a sign post right there that something is not right.....again....or was it ever?
I am on permanent disability. Dont like it- I have 5 Dr's that say I should. Dyalysis on the way. I have become a hermit. Used to go to work in suits and now my hair ....well lets just say I look like Moses after the red sea was parted.....I get all the drugs I want...I still have my wife hold them because her and I both know I would have them swallowed in 1/4 of the time......She gives me my days dosage at once.....and thats really all I could expect of her-(actually that is too much as well) but it makes HER feel safer holding my meds so I let her.
I am looking back at previous posts and I have learned nothing more other than I like drugs so obviously I dont like my present state of mind for whatever reason. But I LOOVVEEE to get high. I DO have pain, but not enough to take what I do.
Not really.
I dont know. I want to think that I do.
Right now I am counting the minutes when she will give me my days dosage.

pathetic huh?
But I can see how much worse life could be. I get to raise my son still, I live in a nice house that I bought and paid off before I was sick, we have a couple cars. My wife works part time.
Things could be so much worse.
But things could be better or else I wouldnt be typing here. I dont expect any responses. I am sure I have heard it alll before. I just trist this website and it makes me feel like I am hitting a meeting by just spilling my guts like this.
So thank you for reading.......and um .......my name is dave and I am an addict.

[ToWonderWhat]

Hey Bro ... Sry about your pain and disability. Atleast u have a ligit reason for using. I didnt use for pain, just liked the high and energy that came with my pills. Your not alone with watchin the clock, I do it every day all day long counting the minutes til its time. I hope things work out for you and yours. Good to see some sort of control.    Peace  Craig

[suzipen]

Oh, Dave, I wanted to also say you ARE NOT pathetic. Dont ever say that about yourself.

[suzipen]

Dave,
Your post touched me. I, too, love the way pain meds make me feel ,But I am also an addict, so I cant take them like non-addicts. I agree with everyone above, and especially scaredmom- you should make an effort to get out of the house. That can make a big difference. The longer you stay in, the harder it is, but....just try to make an effort.
I have been off tramadol for 2 months (after 5 years of abusing), and this week has been a major test. I have some teeth issues and a lot of pain. My dentist gave me pain meds,
so this has been a test for me.
You obviously want a change in your life, even tho you are very blessed.
Keep posting, and reading here. There are so many amazing people on this forum. Some thing may just grab you, and change your life, ya know?

I am sending you positive thoughts,
suzi

[elwoodsf]

Welcome back to the forum. You are a very lucky man to have a wife who cares for you and your health. I love the reference to your hair. LOL. I have a husband who used to count my BP meds and hand them to me, watch me take them. I constantly quit taking them and would get very sick. I am an addict too. I love pain meds. I hide them from hubby so he cannot count how many I take. I was only hiding from myself. I didn't think my son knew I had an addiction to the pills and a friend on here asked me if I've talked to him. No. Well I did talk to him and to my surprise, he knew, as did my daughter. I wasn't hiding anything from anyone in my home. This was humbling to me. Today I have one week off of pain pills.

Go with what your heart tells you. You know what is best for you from the sounds of your post. We are here for you ~ El

[worried878]

Hi dave..I am laura and i am an addict as well

seems like u have been there and done that as far as addiction goes/u know the NA lingo..and u are in the process right now of having some type of control over the demon and it is not getting too far out of hand...i dont know if "good for u" is in order or "bad for u" is in order...which do u think?

I am glad life is good...sounds stress free and peaceful to me...i work all the time and some  time off sounds great to me..but i guess with too much time on my hands i may be less content..maybe i need a purpose and staying busy can be good sometimes
thanks for posting

[sway1]

you are fortunate to have a wife who cares and looks out for you and i hear you counting your blessings. sorry that you are sick. you've got a hard row to hoe. remember that it's a fine and delicate thread that holds us to this life, so pray nothing happens to your wife and kid. i feel for you. best of luck.   sway

[scaredmom330]

I understand what you are going through...have you tried to make yourself clean up and go out, even just to the grocery?...it will help alot with your self esteem...if you feel like you are taking to much medication., have you thought about tapering to a dose that just relieves your pain and doesnt get you high? Can you taper down to where you are'nt taking anything and OTC meds can take care of your pain? maybe have your wife cut back one pill a week? something to think about...but really my friend try to get out of the house., if will help!