Staying clean- How to deal with avoiding relapse?

[kaelstnyc]

Hi there- I've been reading posts all morning and am hoping that writing one myself will help. I've had a problem with vicodin for almost 4 years now and although the dosage I've been taking isn't as high compared to others, I am really struggling with staying off the pills. At first I was given a script and now I keep going back to different doctors with new symptoms. I know this is illegal; you think that would be enough to make me stop but no. Just a bit about me: I am a working profesional, 30 year old female, live in NYC with my long term BF (he knows I've "had" an issue with pain pills but has no idea how bad it really is).

Last week I went 4 days without taking any pills (b/c I didn't have any) and then found myself back at the doctor again. I've convinced myself that I need them to give energy, make me feel good, basically every activity/thing I do involves taking a pill before (you know the deal). So now, I am out of pills again and feeling depressed. I CAN'T let myself get more and am terrified of getting caught. I am so disappointed in myself that it even got to this point.

I know I can get through the first few days physically but my most difficult battle is mentally and emotionally. I want to feel normal; and feel that I don't need to take the pills to function and to have a good time. I am so worried that I have a distorted view on life from always feeling high on pills....I guess I'm scared of facing reality! People say that each day it gets easier and better....but then why do I find myself having a break down and back at the doctor?

When do the cravings stop? If they aren't going away, what to you do to deal with them? Work, home life, it all goes on when dealing with this. But unfortunately this is what consumes most of my thoughts...which I think is damaging both work and home life. I appreciate any input or advice...thank you.

[Florida_Guy737]

Hi...

2 things recommended for you:

1. Start an exercise plan or set some other goals and stick with a plan to achieve (make sure the goals are separate from meds).  Reason - you'll have clean time goals but you'll need to refocus (relearn) how to live without meds.

2. Stay on this forum - my first year, I was on this forum almost everyday.  Reading and contributing will help keep you on track.  Of course other options are counseling, etc but you need someplace to air your emotions (and you'll have lots of them) without being judged.

Good Luck to You...

Guy

[outotown]

Just keep on keeping on it will get better before you no it we all have been there or we are there now that is why im on here to get the love help and support of the good folks on here. You will get thur the worst before you know it hang in there ok

[kaelstnyc]

Thank you. I think that I need to realize this will be a loooong process (60-90 days like you said) and not expect to feel 100% as soon as I would like. What I am feeling now on day 3:
- awful night sweats
- irritability
- body and headaches (but nothing I can't handle)
- Difficulty sleeping (have some lunesta in case it gets really bad)
I can deal with all of the above. It's more the emotional and mental battle that is what gets me everytime. I want to be strong and realize (finally BELIEVE) that life is better without the pills.....and I hope that every day that becomes more clear to me.

[Florida_Guy737]

Hi...I understand exactly how you feel but personally didn't want to go through the physical wds no longer either.  As a professional as well, the need to be on top is a very compelling reason to keep pushing with w/e help you can get; in our case - meds.  Really...it was almost 60-90 days before I thought I was well on the road to recovery.  I set an exercise plan (prior jock), set goals, dieted, followed the amino protocol (easy when working out) and almost 14 months later, meds are a distant thought now.

You really can do this...

Guy

[kldiva70]

Yea, i have been wondering everyday what to do with myself free of those Vics. It feels good not to be addicted to them physically, now it is all mental. But My kids are my inspiration. They almost killed me last week (The vics) and I would hate to hurt them so much. I feel almost vulnerable like i am looking for something else to be addicted to. But i am fighting it. I want to be addicted to something healthy this time. You never hear that huh? Like knitting to much or something, it's always something negative we become addicted to. Amazes me! We can do it. Jail ***** and I had a dose of reality in the hospital i felt my freedom was gone imagine jail. That should scare you to death. VICS will lead you in 2 places dead or in jail. Please dont do it.

[kaelstnyc]

Thank you. I know I can too...just need to deal with feeling "down" for a while and then hope that I can get back in to a routine and not think about the pills as much. It's funny I fear facing reality and life free from pills....but wouldn't reality be a slap in the face if I landed in jail from doctor shopping? The things we do for those darn pills....how could we love something we hate so much.

[kldiva70]

VICODIN KILLS! I know i thought it wouldnt happen to me but it almost did. My liver is shot right now from taking them .... please please please stay off them. I know I am struggling because i loved how i felt on them I felt i could handle anything. But It is not worth the price i have heard of people getting caught and doing jail time. Dont doctor shop. You can live your life without them. LIVE is the oporative word :)

[dominosarah]

Start by telling yourself YOU CAN do this.  You will get caught doctor shopping if you dont stop.  Be completely honest with your doctor and pharmacist.  Tell them NO MORE.  Aftercare is very important in recovery.  Check out NA meetings in your area.  They are free.  Exercise is very important.  Check out the health pages here and look at the amino acid protocol.  Keep posting.......we are here to help you.........sara

[outotown]

I know when i was using big time, 60 oxy every 2 days,with perk 10s 6 plus, and kolonipin 6 to 8 per day, and drinking, Here is the odd thing im a minister iv pastored for almost twenty five years i did not drink or smoke or use drugs but at one time in my life i used very hard drugs when i was young. I had got hurt at work and thats when everything happened, im still in chronic pain and will be the rest of my life. I even tried to take my own life ( glad i failed at that ) but my point is it can happen too anyone who is taking pain pills for any length of time. I just got off suboxen/ treatment 7 days ago and was able to get outside and and burn some brush I live in the country. You can do this and if you dont it can kill you

[kaelstnyc]

Thanks for your reply. I do think I am definitely masking a problem and fear if I mention it to the doctor they will just hand me another script. My brain is probably so screwed up from the pain pills...I have horrible mental health benefits as part of my health insurance coverage.

As suggested by some people on here I will focus on exercise and eating healthfully. I just hope I am strong enough to get through this and appreciate life for what it is again.

Thanks for the support. I am going to keep reading and posting because it seems to have helped others...

[outotown]

Frist thing you are doing the right thing you have described everyone on this site, you mentioned day 4 that is the most difficult day to get thur, you may be masking a very real problem by taking pain med's, DEPRESSION!!! Go to your doc tell him what is going on and be completly honest with your b/f he probaly already knows we are here to help thier is alot of good info. on here for me I would take benaryld it will calm you down and help some with w/d take plenty of vitiams and emergen-c and exercise YOU CAN AND WILL BEAT THIS!!! we will help all we can