Still not over PAWS at 86 days.... When will I be fully me again?

[readytoquit184]

So, now at 86 days off opiates... I go to bed every night with aspirations about what I will do the next day but almost never live up to them. I went a month or so not emotionally crying for no reason but it's been back about a week. I'm sure a lot of the things I'm going through and lack of any support is part of the problem but I'm not sure of any way to fix the problems I've caused myself other than praying an doing everything I possibly can to fix them. Basically my biggest problem is about 2 years ago I was arrested for possession of a controlled substance (5 pills) and was finally indicted with the option of Diversion. My lawyer told me I could move and report to both states but come to find out I have to report to the state I was charged every month for a minimum of 6 months (12 hours away). Already was denied a 'career' job b/c of this pending charge even though it won't be a felony or on my record as pending in 2 years BUT did finally find a decent paying full time job and am so scared of losing it when I have to take off 1 day/month for 6 months. Haven't even started the diversion b/c on my trip there last month I couldn't get on it without a job. CATCH 22! I also feel like I'm 'dumber' than I was when trying to do my job as its a high position in which I MUST be as sharp as I used to be. Just have so much I'm worried about ALL THE TIME. I need this job to support me and my son. I also need to get this legal stuff behind me. To top it off my lawyer is 12 hours away and won't respond to any form of communication I've sent. So I guess back to my question.... Can anyone tell me when I will even out an be 'me' again? Am I always going to feel slow an not feel natural anymore? Will I be as sharp as I used to be and when? Is it the stress causing the process to take longer? How do I deal with the stress besides exercise or NA? Any suggestions on how to handle the legal dilemma? I do understand everyone must pay for their actions and I feel I am/have been. I am not sure how many more hurdles I can have thrown my way. There's so much going on at once and I'm scared about it all. I'm trying so hard to persevere but the saying that if you give everything you have you can do anything just doesn't seem to be working.... I really thought things would be diff by this point in my recovery. Thanks in advance for any input.

[OxyTired]

Want to second what Digger said. I Turned a major corner at 120 days. Before that I was doing all the right things and feeling droopy all day. Lethargic. It was bumming me out. But I really did not want to lose what I have done, so I kept plodding along, taking lots of amino acids, exercising, diet, the whole thing. Reading alot on here
Then, slowly the cloud is lifting.
You really want to hang on and experience this miracle for youself!

[digger1976]

First off congrats on your clean time, it's a struggle so be proud of how far you've come! I can't advice on the legal side as I'm a Brit and don't know enough about your legal system.

On the anxiety and general mood, I can tell you it does get better, I started to feel so much better at around 120 days, it was a massive shift for me, it was like someone had flicked a switch. I'm unaware of what your coming off of but on the mental side of w/d's you sound pretty close to how I felt at around 90 days. Stress and worry will play a big hand in how you feel so try and relax as much as possible. Try get some natural supplements from your local health store, I've heard Valerian root can help so you could try that, Epsom salt baths before bed helped me. I wish I had more help/advice for you. Keep your head up, I'm sure your spark isn't far away, just be patient with it. I wish you all the best, keep on keeping on my friend, you got this, ;)

[weaver71]

Oh yeah, the law issue. I did drug diversion and you will have to go to the court that put you in the program. Good thing is that it will not be on your record after. Think of all the time you wasted on drugs, 6 months will fly by and you will have it behind you with no record. You truly will get the chance to totally start fresh.

[VICourageous]

Girl I am so sorry to hear all of this. You are still in a bit of early recovery. It does take time for the Brain to balance back from all of these substances. You should be thinking clearer and clearer from the beginning. When we fist detox it has a emotional/biochemical affect that has to balance back. Paws is a emotional and physiological aspects that are very difficult to endure..It can last a year or more.
Stress and Drama is one of the worst things that we can have happen during the first year of recovery..This is when people can fall becasue they do not like it or understand it. I think you are dealing with a lot right now..The new job can be really stressful too..
YES you will start to see more and more clarity and you will become sharper then ever before. I am no Dr, nor do I know your health issues but I would still bet on it.
When I was in my 90 days I went and seen a Head Dr (that is what I call them lol) for my insurance and such. I had to take many, may tests that they give. OMG I was so out there..I was in shock..I told him that 4 months before I would of just blew right though this. He said maybe becasue you where thinking with a drug brain and not a real brain. He told me it would take a year or two. It just makes me so mad to know now 57 years later how much damage any Mind Altering drugs can do..When we were or I was young I never though it would be so bad. I think it has ALOT to do with how long you have been using..This can cause more damage if you have used most of your life. YOU are still YOUNG so you will be back in no time at all. I know that 3 months seems like a long time for you, and it is, but the brain is what takes a bit of time. You will be fine..I just wish you did not have to deal with that Law issue. When all this is over you will be flying high in a natural way. Just keep drinking lots of water and electrolyte drinks and keep pumping those vit/min..Magnesium is one of the best for the body and it helps the BRAIN..Go do some research and find out what you can take to help these Chems, Transmitter and Receptors and so on so forth heal faster.
I am not totally understanding the situation with the court or so..My Girl friend got in trouble in Utah many years ago..She was put on probation and it was a very serious charge..She moved over here to Idaho and had to just get a new probation officer from here..She did have to be in Utah to set it all up in front of the Judge.. Maybe someone will come around and get what you are saying..I am a bit in a Brain fart today. AND I have a little over a Year..It did take me this long to turn the best corner ever..SO just keep pushing and TRY NOT to let this get to you to much..It will all work its self out from your Body, Brain to all the the BS you got going for you regarding the Law. Try some meditation if you can..Keep going to those meetings to so you can vent..OK..Let us know how it is going..
Bless

[weaver71]

Oh boy, I won't bore you with my specific, but I can so relate to your story. How do I deal? Cognative therapy is helping. Time is helping. The main thing though is accepting myself. You see, I 'felt' smarter on pills too. Fact is, it was simply how I felt about myself on them, I'm told that I sill am as smart as I was. Still having a hard time accepting that, but I'm sure they are right. Getting used to living life on life's terms Is a process. I move slower for sure. I am told I make less errors and tend to notice them now. So, all the problems I am facing from my drug use are very slowly working the self out. It 'feels' wrong, slow, hard to handle. I am feeling the reality of my life, not a sugar coated version with opiate covered glasses. The stress is making it 'feel' worse than it has to. My confidence is low from being convinced I used to be better, though I wasn't. People compliment me and I disqualify it because I don't feel as good as I used to. Notice that all these things have to do with me judging how I feel, mostly about myself, my ability, my intelligence, my enthusiasm. It is taking awhile to get used to feeling good about who I am now. I never was as great as I thought I was, or maybe I was, but the 'reality is, I have to learn to love this real me. Making a list of all my good qualities and sharing them, out loud, to another person has helped. I kept saying To myself that I'm not good enough anymore. The pills are still lying to me and causing me to lie to myself. Now I am working on saying what sober people say, "I wish there were two of me." Ever heard that? It is a normal feeling to want to do more and better. I don't like normal that much, but pills won't make me better. We have to get used to normal, that is hard for many. I guess you could say it is normal. Just keep working on loving yourself just the way you are. You are better and stronger than you probably go move yourself credit for. Congrats on your progress, once we fix the mess pills helped us create, I believe that it will be easier to accept living in the real world.