The core issue - need answers or anything that can be shared on this please

[Raj786]

I have been trying a lot of things to clean up completely but for one or more reasons I have always been unsuccessful. After my post here http://www.medhelp.org/posts/show/569216 I realize that my core issue is in fact this: (I know this could be the core issue for all of us users / addicts in the world and that this question could be very stupid and redundant, if it is please forgive me, any answers/feedback is very very appreciated on this)

well, I am stating the truth here and it is that I have been trying to clean up of all substances for quite some time and have failed over and over again [more than half measures at least since January (in feb I went in for detox as well but slipped as soon as I was out anyway) this year which means more than 6 months]. Honestly, only two reasons motivate me to be clean:

1) I'd also so so like to be clean, serene and happy as so many members I see in the fellowships.

[And it's the same NA / AA program here too as it is the world over; the same 12 steps, same slogans, big book, basic text etc only translated in local languages. But now that English has almost taken over as the official language of India in the big cities at least, it's mostly the same program and in English.]

2) Abusing substances had without doubt caused a lot of problems in my life. [though drugs had done most of the damage and drinking seemed to be the lesser of the two evils]

But the unfortunate truth is that I just can't manage to be clean. The real real truth is that I get so crazy after being clean and sober for a short period like say 10-15 days, I am miserable anyway without getting high in fact I feel I am more miserable than when I am using [not true but I am miserable 'non-high' definitely], my life becomes so humdrum and boring feeling that something [something huge] is missing, I am out of every thing and at night I just don't feel like my day is complete.

Now one big reason is of course that I don't find any joy in other things which most of the rest of humanity lives for. I need that extra excitement in my life which using things gives me. While other people are  just content with a  job which is repetitive, spending time at home (in this one thing, I am a true addict, I don't have good relations with 'most anyone in my family or even outside) , eating, watching whatever is on TV and going to sleep only to do the same thing the next day all over again then go for a movie on Sunday maybe. I am always running away from these kind of things and then without using I always feel like I can simply not cope after a while say 10-15 days, this I feel deep down is what I need to work on:
living and 'enjoying' life without the use of drugs and living life on it's own terms but I haven't been able to learn these 2 things after trying so hard also ...

[addictedme]

PS,,,remember that in na your still hanging with addicts that can relate,empathize and sympathize but their recovering addicts with a common goal.

[wannabefree330]

Fantastic!  Hey if you go and don't care for it, at least you gave it a shot and tried something new.  When you have the periods of anhedonia, often remind yourself that it will pass.  Try getting out of the house, even going for a walk, point out things in your life that ARE going good, or things you can be thankful for.  When I get down in the dumps its so easy to list all the wrong things, but in reality if I just take a minute I can come up w/just as many positive things going on.  Keep us posted ok?  Already you are sounding more positive.  Good for you.....and the beaches sound awesome!

[addictedme]

I see that you mention na. Are you working the na or aa program as suggested? Many people go to a couple of meetings and decide it doesnt help but if you dont do all that is suggested then you cant say that. The program is very simple and very clear on how to stay clean. If you dont do it all then its like going to a dr, the dr says you have a disease and must do 5 things to be cured. If you dont do these things or just do a couple then you cant blame the dr if your not cured. Working the program means working the entire program. Of course there are other ways of getting and staying clean but like the 12 step program,,,Ya gotta do it all. gl to ya and dont give up

[Raj786]

Thanks for the replies people. There's good advice here as is always the case with the medhelp community. So, now I know Anhedonia is what my condition is called and it's PAWS since it is a temporary post w/d temporary thing. Theoretically then, if I manage to put a couple of months of clean time with good living and healthy recovery practices, I should be able to get back to being happy w/d any drugs and also be able to indulge in better pursuits whatever they may be, writing, sports anything but ingesting drugs. So, then that is my new goal now, to give myself some good clean time while pushing myself into better ways. (if only if it were that easy but there's just no other way now except to go through the mandatory few weeks of feeling depressed and on the edge because doing nothing that is continuing to live the life I have is even more painful.)

I have known within that I need to change myself and that the 12 step fellowships are a great free resource for it. Honestly, I also have been working on trying to understand that part of the world which I hate but unfortunately can not completely shut out. So, I have to deal with it, be it a member of my family, a friend's behavior or anything else like the politics or local pop culture.

The positives as of late are that I have in fact made some good intelligent friends in NA I like being with and my way of thinking has been steadily changing thanks to them. (albeit slowly though)

  Another thing is that just today I attended my home group meeting and there was an announcement that a three day weekend trip has been arranged to nice beaches just outside of our city on the 26th of July, everybody goes dutch (apparently I was unaware that different groups keep arranging all kinds of fun activities every now and then and all members are welcome because I have never been too regular at meetings) and there's going to be great food, music-n-dance and all kinds of other fun (except drinking and/or any kind of drugs of course) plus we'll be holding meetings on beautiful beaches for a change which should be fun.

At first, I wasn't too keen on going but now I think I'll go for not just this one occasion but each and every one I can find, hope life becomes worthy of living w/d drugs as soon as possible ...

[seeksolice]

You know, I have the same problem.  Life is so monotonous. It's important that we (addicts) have a.. passion. Something we LOVE to do, besides drugs of course.

For me, I have things I know I'm good at, like art, writing, leading, creating, sports, etc, but using drugs has only hindered my ability to really MASTER these things.

Maybe it would make you feel better to focus on one or two things you love to do, and go from there. Counseling can really help as well.  Thats kind of where I'm at right now.

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

Also look up the definition of Anhedonia - you may recognize some of your post -

[Coolio Hernendez]

You need to cross addict.....I at one time was clean for years and was addicted to working out (exercise) I know it is wrong to be addicted to anything....But if you have addictive personality like so many of us do...Then working out aint so bad....

You sound like you are really gonna do this..........You can do it....Just keep trying.

[wannabefree330]

look on the right hand side of this page.  Its located w/the thomas recipe and amino acid protocol.

[Raj786]

I read a few pages on paw which I found through Google and I can identify with many of the symptoms. I had not known of it previously at all, thanks for mentioning it wannabefree, after I quit drugs the first time when I was a teenager I experienced many of these symptoms and it did take around 6 months for me to completely stabilize. Now I know what I was dealing with and what I am dealing with / going to deal with now. Thanks a lot for the cue ... ;-)

[Raj786]

I haven't read that can you pls give me the url?

[wannabefree330]

I responded on your other post.  But read about PAWS in the health pages.  Sounds like that's what is going on w/you.  It takes time to find joy in life after using for so long.  You have to re-learn what you enjoy and how to find happiness.  But it does come back if you give it the time it takes.

[Raj786]

don't want to sound as whining but I have been trying to be clean of all stuff for far too long now and to be honest I haven't been all-clear for a month at a time in years ... wish I could ...

[mimi1313]

10-15 days is not a long time. I didn't feel happy again until day 25. Try to hang in there a little longer and try to exercise and take vitamins. It will get better but it will take a little longer. You can do this!