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The three of us began over 100 days ago

Chig, qpatty, and my self began this journey of sobriety in March. Like many of you who are just starting out, we found each other and have held on tight. During the first two months we all posted daily if not more. Our withdrawal symptoms seemed normal and we kept the course each of us in our own way using the advice of the long timers as we  are so grateful to learn from their experience. However, we soon found ourselves no longer posting as much as we seem to be following a different path than most everyone. We found ourselves PM each other rather than posting here. It is a tough place to be. Reading all the posts of the newer members and how they seem to feel better each day is bitter sweet. I know for me, I don't post publicly because I do not want to scare anyone who is suffering min. by min. or hour to hour. I remember how long and painful the days are in the early stages of withdrawal. TIME the four letter word that feels just as terrifying as the swear. Do we post our fears, and our continued and often debilitating symptoms of this most trying fight of our lives? PAWS!!!! No one seems to post about it. But it is real and we three have it. Maybe there are others out there who have it too. When we PM each other we share our symptoms because we don't know if we are still normal or if this is it for us. Life.....we are between 40 and 60 years old. Is this what it feels like to get older? Our bodies aged while we weren't looking because of the pills. OR, will we one day stop feeling the anxiety, weakness, brain buzzing, insomnia, shaking, lack of energy, massive depression, and physical pain?

I am thankful for my sober buddies Chig and qpatty. Without them and a few others we would be lost. I hope I have not discouraged anyone. That is so not what I wanted to do by posting this. This post is about our journey that may or may not be how others will experience it. I just feel lost and am reaching out.
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Avatar universal
Thank you, Chig. I am sending good thoughts and prayers to the three musketeers this morning! Have a good day.
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Avatar universal
that is awesome way to put it. very true. Life isn't what happens to you, it's how you respond to what happens to you.
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Avatar universal
I would like to extend my heartfelt condolences to you on the loss of your daughter. There can be no worse pain than losing a child. Along this path we all call life, there can be many heart wrenching turns,and twists.Im sending you the biggest HUGS I can, even tho its through Cyber Space.

Now I want to Congratulate You and the Posse, on your clean days. You are all doing great, keep on fighting you will soon have those 100 days behind you and be living free of Narcotics.

Me, BG, and QPatty are calling ourselves the 3Musketeers so the Musketeers an the Posse's are charging forward.

God Bless Everyone
Chig









a
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8548587 tn?1426132056
IMO humor is a necessity in life, not a luxury. I even used humor while battling cancer. Humor does not mean you are not suffering, it just means you are strong enough not to let it define you. When you lose humor you lose the battle of life.
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Avatar universal
I am reading about your struggles and still see a sense of humor under the sadness. I think you are doing better than you think. Not to minimize what you are going through by any means! It is very hard and you are doing it.  I am sorry about your sister. My daughter was killed in a car accident at the age of 25. She had been drinking. Drugs and alcohol have taken so many lives! It  was 12 years ago but it feels like yesterday. I miss her so much. It changed my life. Then, my son got hooked on meth for 8 years after his sister died. He finally checked himself in to rehab and never looked back. He has now been clean and sober for 4 years. And now I've been off pills for 19 days. One foot in front of the other.......
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Avatar universal
Ladies - I just wanted to tell you all how influential you have been on my decision to get sober. I was reading this forum YEARS before I had the courage to admit I had a problem. I have been following you ladies and your battle since March and I hope things start getting better for you. You have fought so hard and you deserve to feel better than what you are. I think that if posting helps and you want to talk about PAWS and the s/s you are having ...do it!! I have always appreciated your wisdom.
Don't worry about discouraging others because it may prepare them for a time when they might go through it.   There is plenty of encouragement on this forum:)  Recoveries are different and it is good to paint a picture of all of them for beginners.  I am truly rooting for you ladies and hope you reach the goodness in life you so deserve.  BraneGame- you are so very strong I have all the respect in the world for you and what you have gone through.
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8548587 tn?1426132056
I lost my mother to alcohol overdose 18 years ago. I was in my early thirties. I have literally felt like an orphan every day of my life since then. Girl, you gotta win this battle for your boys.

And thank you for the sleep last night, lol. Tonight is your turn.
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Avatar universal
Y'all are possibly crazier than me , tina6444, and nomore2. I love it. Stay strong and stay together. This journey is not meant to be made alone. Love the spirit and we look forward to hitting that 100 day mark ourselves.
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Avatar universal
Im thinking about going outside and HOWLING WITH THE COYOTES FOR A BIT MAYBE THAT WILL HELP ME SLEEP, I WILL LET YA KNOW, OF COURSE, IT WILL BE DAYLIGHT WHEN IM BACK IN THE HOUSE, BUT I WILL SEE HOW THAT WORKS FOR BURNING OFF ANXIETY. SO STAY TUNED!!!!
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Avatar universal
bahhahahahaha  lets see bout hmmmmm, good question. lol
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chig you know me so well. When will it be TIME to sleep? LOL
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Avatar universal
Your last 2 sentences answer your question about winning the battle, my dear friend. You have your friends right here with you any time you need us.
Dear God, Im so sorry about your sister, more than words can express. Please know the Good Lord will see you thru this, my friend.

One more thing, yes your emotions about life will be all over the place. It ill calm down for you in time.

Please don't be mad cause I said that word TIME.

xoxoxo
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Avatar universal
Thanks guys. What would I do if I did not have anyone to talk to?

I think part of the problem is May was the third anniversary of my sisters death. For years I tried everything I could think of to help her with her drug addiction. All the time knowing that she was going to die soon. She was only 40 when she over dosed. I never got to see her body or reconcile in my mind that she really did die. She had been dead two days when the person who she lived with who also was her dealer, finally called my brother to let us know she was gone. Her body was to decayed by that point that we were told by the funeral home that it would be to traumatic to see her because she was so unrecognizable. She needed to be closed casket or cremated. So my mother did as she was advised and had her cremated without allowing me to see her. We had a small ceremony just a few of us gathered at a lake to say goodbye. Trying to reconcile the finality of her death is taking me some time. I still have such raw emotions. I am sober, and finding my self angry and with so many questions. If the drugs can kill my sister can I win this battle? I can only imagine how many times she had been right where I am now. Trying so hard and feeling so alone and desperate. She lost the battle. And no matter how hard I tried to get her to understand that if she kept doing what she was doing the drugs would kill her. She gave up! The depression takes hold the pain and weakness envelops and is suffocating and then what? I have to choose to live in this body because I have my children who don't deserve to ever feel the horror of loosing there mother to an over dose. I have to find my way through this.

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Avatar universal
Hey My Friend,

You just keep sitting outside and cooking supper, baby steps, that is what this is. I just knew if I could get you out of that bed, you would start making progress. Hey, just look at all you have done in the last 2 days!!!!  You are making progress. I know how weak your feeling, but just keep putting one foot in front of the other, soon you will realize your doing more week by week.
It has never been day by day for me. Like you it has been week by week. I just started doing things, little by little, and still am for the most part.
We have to get thru this the best way we can, and your making progress.

Your children just have to know, that mom doesn't feel real good right now but that you are gonna get better. They will adjust my friend, and I know it must be a big stressor, to have to put them off right now.

Maybe your husband could have a soothing talk to them and explain that mom will be ok, just right now we have to help her out til she gets well.

Im sending you Like Patty all my strength and healing, your gonna get there.
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8548587 tn?1426132056
Yours has been one of the slowest and most painful recoveries I have ever witnessed. And if anyone deserves a break, it is you! You are the bravest person I know and you WILL get better and if there truly is a God out there you will get better very soon. Or I might have to have words with her!

Just do what you are able with the kids and let go of the guilt about the rest. In the realm of life this will be a short time and your kids will be okay. Children are adaptable and resilient creatures. And they love you. Is there anybody that could pitch in and help by taking your boys out to do something fun? Sending you every bit of strength and courage I have(which unfortunately ain't a whole lot!) but it is yours my friend...Patty
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Avatar universal
Day 109. I'm hoping to have a better week this week. For me it has not been it  gets better each day it has been It gets better each week. I can see that with much effort both physically and mentally, if I push myself I can be outside for about 2 hours. Even if it is just sitting in a chair. I did this both yesterday and today. I also was able to get supper cooked for my 5 sons and husband. Now at 7:49pm I am laying down as I am so weak and hurting. I am also still quite moody and was quick to anger with my husband. So I am giving us both some space. One hurdle I find I face daily is that at least one of my sons will ask me tomorrow can we do this or next week can you help me with that. I never know how to answer them. I have three teens and a 7 and 8 year old. We have always been a very active family but now I can barley get through a few hours of minimal activity. How do you answer such questions? I am so sick of disappointing them.
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6990909 tn?1435275816
I don't know that there is much more to add.  I just wanted to second a comment at the beginning of this thread....as I am in my late 40's.  I do believe that as we spent time on our doc's for several years, our bodies, our hormones did change along the way.  We may not have noticed...but they just did as that is a normal course of life.  I have friends my age and older who have never abused substances who also have bouts with insomnia, lethargy, etc.  So, while aftercare, eating right, support, exercise are all very important.  I think there is also truth to the fact that our bodies have changed along the way.  Keep doing what you are doing.  You are all rockstars.  You may find along the way that a trip to the Dr may benefit to check hormone, thyroid levels, etc.  Just a thought.

Keep pushing through as you are all on a wonderful journey and have been a great support and example to others.  You are all wonderful!
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Avatar universal
108 days off of 40mg 3x day Oxy ER and 10mg 3x day Oxy IR for break through pain. I had a botched laminectomy 14 years ago but did not require long term pain meds till I ruptured two more disks in my back and 2 in my neck. That was back in 2007.

I think the depression is one of the biggest concerns I currently have. However, I also have moderate anxiety most of the day and all night still. Several times a day my brain feels like it is misfiring. Like this huge pressure that is full of electricity. I have several episodes a day that I feel like I can't breath. Same as I did during my first week of withdrawal but not as often. My body temperature is still messed up but at least I don't get the chills then a few seconds later be sweating. My vision is very blurry and I am getting head aches everyday still. I feel so weak I don't get much done and my legs feel like jello and like they may come out from under me. To this day I have not had a happy feeling.  I need to feel happy feelings soon. It seems to me that most have had at lease a few seconds of happy by day 100. I sleep about 3-4 hours every OTHER day. I cry when Im sad, angry, and for no reason at all. The pain I feel must be real as the over all body aching left me at almost the 1 month mark.  I have become very ant-social as well.

I take vitamins, go to NA, and I have been able to eat 2 meals a day despite not having an appetite. I also drink one protein shake a day.

I guess I thought this far out I wouldn't still be this much of a mess. I have to force myself to do everything. Then after I do a small task I need to rest again.  So that's it. I guess I just have no clue as to what to do to make things more bearable. Any thoughts?
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Avatar universal
Patty read your PM from me.  
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1742220 tn?1331356727
support, support, support.  I have been reading threads and posts from you guys and I hear this undercurrent that is similar in all of your posts.  it sounds familiar because I went through it, too!  recovery is not an easy road.  i relapsed SO many times, chig, and bg and q, and i really believe the reason why was largely due to me not having enough support.  looking back on my four years trying to get clean, i see that in the very early stages of recovery I always had someone here on medhelp that i was in a constant (pm) conversation with every day.  Every day we wrote, often more than once a day.  I did this with someone who had more time than I did and someone who had roughly the same time as I did.  At times I had a couple different correspondents; but i look back at my mh documents and see that there was always someone there ... basically holding my hand.

after the period of initial recovery / relapse, i got help in a local ten day intensive outpatient program.  at the same time i went to 12 step, both NA and AA meetings.  I went to many, many meetings (which I have the luxury of being able to choose from in los angeles) until I found a few that i genuinely liked and that fit and that helped me.  I repeat, I went to MANY, MANY meetings.  I disliked a LOT of them.  I kept trying.  It wasn't always convenient or easy to search out new meetings.  and i complained about it a lot.  if you doubt any of this, look back at my old posts.  it's all there and the good people here can tell you how i dealt with things and how i was doing in early recovery.  :)

now i have eight months.  this is the longest time i have ever had.  it's a struggle every day.  some days less than others.  but i have really, really, really good, happy days and I am grateful and thankful that I am clean and living this grand life.  I laugh a lot and I have really good people and opportunities in my life.  i have freedom.

I go to outpatient After care groups consistently 2x a week and i am thinking of adding a third.  I go to at least one 12 step meeting a week, usually more. I work full time and I have to work out almost every day just to feel human.  I am taking anti-depressants.  Before I took the a/ds I was struggling very badly with clinical depression and concomitant fatigue and lethargy.

I am in individual therapy and I have friends, mostly from 12 step, who listen.  I do not have contact with my family/ they are not supportive of me.  And I have medhelp.  Medhelp has been instrumental in my support group and in my success at staying clean.

Look back at my posts ... I have always been honest, sometimes brutally so.  I never claimed it was a smooth ride and I never had a pink cloud stage.  Sometimes people on mh made me angry!  But they were always there for me.  They really helped me.

Use medhelp to help you by posting what you feel. Don't worry about the people who don't agree.  Use ALL the resources that all available to you to stay clean.  Yes, there are still many times I want to get high.  but I don't, because overall, it is amazing and transplendent to be clean!

pm me.  talk to me.  keep posting for support  :)    <3      :)

Meegan
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Avatar universal
Hey MY Friend,

Patty whats going on. How do you mean incapacitated? Just know I care and am concerned. Withdrawls can rebound on us, of course everyone is different.  What exactly is happening to you, if you don't mind sharing. I don't mind sharing whats going on with me. Don't hesitate, maybe me or someone else can chime in and relate to your symptoms so you don't feel all alone. Just trying to help
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10996785 tn?1432812977
I remember when you all came on board. Although you may not know it, you're doing great. The mental drama/anguish can get so over the top you can lose sight of objectives and what has been accomplished. Don't lose sight at where you all are at and where you have come from. You are an inspiration and a wake up call at the same time. Always remember, we, without a doubt, never want to go back to the lifestyle that took away so much from us all. It's not easy but it's darn sure well worth it God Bless you all......ike
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8548587 tn?1426132056
I have been working one on one with a drug and alcohol counselor. I did try NA but it just wasn't a good fit for me. And I really tried, not just a one time half-hearted attempt. That is when I started working with an amazing counselor. But the physical aspect of this is just almost more then I can take. Even my counselor said that with the positive attitude I have maintained throughout this that he was astonished by how hard I have been hit with the returning physical symptoms. And even feeling this bad I keep forcing myself to keep moving, keep engaged in life but every day is getting harder and harder. I am not a quitter nor am I a weak person. But this is beginning to be bigger than I can handle and I was not prepared for it to get this bad again. I knew the beginning was going to be rough. I managed to take care of my daughter and son in law's farm by myself while they were on vacation during my 2nd and 3rd week of withdrawal. And immediately following that I stayed busy helping with grandkids' sports and even volunteered at their school. But about 3 weeks or so ago I started declining rapidly and could not seem to stop it. I have tried so hard to keep a positive and strong attitude through all this. I was a long time user, I knew I was in for a long hard road but I never thought I would be completely incapacitated and unable to even function on a basic level 111 days into this.
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Avatar universal
Qpatty, what are you doing for aftercare?
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