This is it!!!!! DAY 2.5

[justneedtotalk]

Many on here will recoginze me as a habitual relapser.....Each time I was not truly deep down in side had the necessary mind set until now.  I am kind of embarrassed even writting anything until I can prove that I am serious this time.  During my last binge I went around and completely eliminated all of my sources except for one.....The one that was the most anonomous and provided the most pills called me yesterday morning on day 1.5.  At first I automatically said yes and set up the meet.  The minute I got off the phone I hung my head and was about to cry.  Just then my two year old daughter came up to me and said.....Daddy what's wrong!  I looked her right in the eye and told her that daddy had a big decission to make and that it would effect the rest of his life.  I picked up my phone and text him back that I did not need them and I was taking a break.  He followed up with a phone call where he again asked where I was at and I told him the same thing.  My other two sources were good friends and I came clean with them and told them not to supply me anymore no matter how convincing I was....They agreed.  I do not know what clicked this last time.  I think I started thinking about the physical ramifications of my addiction and possibly running into liver or kidney issues.  My dad is currently on dialisys and I have seen first hand how kidney or liver problems can effect the quality of life in later years.  There is no way that consuming 100-140 mg of hydro a day can be good for you.  Plus, my complete lack of sex drive is really starting to wear on my wife.  Other than the sex thing I have been a great father and husband.

I think the scariest part for me is the thought of living life sober.  Before the introduction to pills 5 years ago I was drinking almost every day.  I was not one of those whino's but more a functioning alcoholic.  I started heavily drinking around 19-20.  So basically I have never really lived sober for a very long period.  I am extremely excited about see what and who I really am underneith.  I truly have never gone more than a couple of weeks sober from the pills in 5 years so this should be interesting.  I am taking my contacts numbers out of my phone this morning and that too is a great hurdle for me.  I am attending a AA meeting on Monday and truly plan on going sober this time.  This detox for some reason is better than others....Do not get me wrong, I am miserable right now but I have had worse.  I am thinking that I still have the same energy loss, aggetation, wrestlessness, and cravings as always but my mind seems to be a lot more possitive.  I think because of the massive amounts of water, multivitamins, fish oil, grape seed, valarian, and melatonine the opiates are geing washed out of my body faster.  I am watching my two year old daughter alone this weekend while wife works 14 hours which adds some stress and aggrevation to the detox but I am managing just fine.

Bottom line I think that this is the first time in a long time that my brain and my body finally see eye to eye.  I think I really was heading towards some lasting physical effects from my use both alcohol and pills and my brain finally listened to my body and warned against everyone losing.  My brain finally woke up and realized that it had to stop.  It was kind of wierd watching myself call contacts and telling them no....Actually looking up an AA meeting for Monday.  None of these were ever done on my 115 other detox's.  I am truly done this time.....Really, I have been saying that over and over in my head and it is helping.  This time is just different, I am truly convinced that I have to stop and that means I cannot use....period!  Before I would reward myself with pill use after 4 or 5 days of detox and say that it wasnt that bad and I think I have enough supply this month to make it the entire month....lies, lies....It was a visious cycle and I am glad to finally get away with it......Everything all boils down to actions speak louder than words.....If I am still writting every day here a month from now that will be a big milestone for me since I have never made it the entire month.....From there it will be 3, then a year, than ten years.  It has got to be this way this time.....As I have said before I am a working professional, my wife is an RN and has a very good job.  We bring home a great monthly income and I have literally spent all of the extra money without getting busted by my wife that I can handle.  I have maxed out my credit cards and I am right on the brink of making some waves if I go any further.  Right now I will still be able to un-burry myself pretty quickly without anyone really knowing including my wife since we have seprate and mutual accounts.  I was slacking off at work just high as could be....spending the day jabbering away with co-workers (my employee's) instead of actually getting the real work of planning and managing like I should be.  We have been extremely slow this winter so it has been a nice relaxing, high time.  All that is over.....I actually was getting to the point where my concerns for supply and fear of medical complications that when on the pills I really had to up the amount towards the last few weeks until now.  I was always comfortably numb when on pills.....Give me 30-40 10/325 Hydro's and I could make it through any trip, any mission, anything as long as I had my pills and plenty of them......It is sick to think how addicted I truly am to these things....It is very humbling to admit that I have a problem like this.....Well, sorry for rambling....Yesterday I went through the emotional stage where everything made me emotional which is extremely early in detox this time which gives me even more hope that this will be manageable soon.  I just need my energy and my mind back first and the rest of the physical stuff I can live with....Thanks for listening!

[justneedtotalk]

Thanks again....I really hope that I have the energy tomorrow to go to a meeting.  I actually got some house hold chores done, went to the grocery store, and was able to actually work out on my bowflex for a couple of minutes.  Trust me I had to put all of my will into it but I hope that all of the water and suppliments I have been getting down along with protien shakes will really shorten detox time.  So far so good.  If tomorrow is a smidgin better then I know I am on my way out....If tomorrow is horrible then I know I will have a little while before I start healing.....I truly honestly think that tomorrow will be a smidgin better....Well, have to go get dinner started, wife will be home soon.  Nice thing is that everything is done except to cook dinner, daughter is bathed and ready for bed, and all animals are fed....Little accomplishments but I definitely got more done today than I did yesterday......Pray for me and hope that tomorrow will be a smidgin better!

[Jess31585]

Your welcome! AA members will accept you, alot of the old timers I have learned get mad when you talk about your addiction from there addiction. But I always say when I am in a meeting that I am an addicholic... Because the way I look at things an addict is an addict... Whether its food, drugs, sex, if your addicted to something your an addict! I would love to say my name is Jessica and I am addicted to life, but right now I am still working on that! Thank you for allowing us to help and follow you through this journey of life! Best of Luck <3 Jess

[justneedtotalk]

Thank you all for the great advice and support.  IBKleen I cannot thank you enough for your last post.  I completely agree with the completely honest thing all at once.  I think it would be too much at one time.  Once I can prove sobriety I can slowly tell her and bring her up to speed.  Should I tell her that I am currently detoxing and just leave it at that?  She currently thinks I am two months sober....bad, i know....but to tell her would take away a lot of anxiety about her not knowing and she could understand why I am acting the way that I am.....I am pretty good at hiding my detox for the few hours at night when she gets home but she can definitely tell I am not my energetic self.  Let me know what you think and get back to me because I really need to do this the right way....No more short cuts.....No more copout pill taking to hide from real life.....Thanks!

Jess31585....Thanks for the post....I too am going to go to AA I just hope they accept me as a current pill junkie!  I do not want to have to go to NA....Due to the same concerns....thanks again for the support and hopefully this is the beginning of a new life!

[Jess31585]

Hey... I understand what your feeling! I have been a addicted to something since I was 16, the latest being pills! You can do anything you put your mind too, it sounds like you know what you want, you just got to do the foot work! I really hope that you make it, this time! AA meetings really helped me, I actually prefer AA over NA, just because I feel that people in NA talk more about using than recovery! One thing that I find has really helped me is meditation! I like to take my morning cup of coffee, a cig, and go outside and say 10 positive thoughts or actions that will help get through the day... I know it sounds silly but it has truly helped! Also going for a walk in the morning and at night as helped too! Good luck, stay connected and remember your not alone! <3 Jess

[IBKleen]

I understand what you are feeling. I think you need to sit and think this all through before you speak with your wife. Sometimes getting truthful is selfish. We want to unload everything to clean OUR conscience and in the process we hurt others. I know it is confusing between when you should be honest and when you shouldn't. Check your motives. And again, think before you speak. And remember the 9th step: "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others".

Let us know how you are doing.

[dominosarah]

Your fears are normal as we all feel like that.  Just relax a bit, you will be even better once you get going in your recovery~~~~~~sara

[justneedtotalk]

Thanks.....I needed that!  I am 2.5 days clean!  I am definitely done this time....I have to be....this is killing me!  Not only the drugs but the alter life I have to live to procure, maintain, and afford these pills.  The constant stress of not getting caught by anyone when getting them and then keeping them a secret while on them.  My wife is a RN as I mentioned before I thought for sure she would notice the pin size pupils all the time but she never really caught on I guess.  I have told her of my addiction but she thinks I have been sober for the past 2 months which I was acually 5 days sober when I came clean but I need to come clean again and get everything onto the table....The money, the purchases of things I never told her about, the pills, everything.  I am actually a really nice guy I just have had to lie and decieve to keep my drug habit alive.  Now that I am done I need to come clean no matter what she has to say or could possibly do.  I need to tell her the severity of my addiction.  I owe it to myself no matter how she takes the truth to come clean....completely clean from day one.  I owe it to myself to clear my consious and get rid of that stress.  It was always there and I hated it.  I think a lot of that kept me sick and using drugs.  I was comfortably numb!  That is a perfect example of how I lived my life for the past 5 years.  I am really nervous to see what life is really like out there.  Will I love my wife more?  Will I live up to the potential and make something of this here life?  I am capable of so many things but these pills and the alcohol have kept me sick for a long time.....I am excited yet nervous about the future!  Again, sorry for rambling and thank you kindly for the positive feedback.....Thank you!

[IBKleen]

Hi,

No need to be ashamed hun, pick yourself up--dust yourself off and get the job done. You know the old saying, if you fall down 7 times---pick yourself up 8.

I am sorry you had to find out the hard way how important aftercare is. It's essential.

I am also glad to see that you came back and posted. Hang around and talk--you know you will get support here.

And congrats on 2.5 days! BTW, is it 2.5 days clean, or 2.5 days since you last used? I ask because it may make a difference in your symptoms.

[dominosarah]

I hope this will be it for you as you are running on borrowed time if you continue down this path.  I hope you come clean with your wife about your financial issues also.  Our secrets keep us sick.  Surround yourself with clean people now.  Let us know how your meeting went.  Stay positive as you can do this!!        sara