Time to be honest...

[SilverSoul]

First let me say that Im so thankful that this forum is here. Finally a place that I can talk about what is happening to me and actually have other people respond that know what Im talking about. I appreciate all of you being here so much, and you have my deepest gratitude.

But I have to be honest about my addiction. I can't just post here when things are going good, or post about my struggles and relapses.
In a way it makes me feel like Im not being 100% honest about my addiction, and as a fellow addict I know how easy it is to fall into a false sense of security, especially with fellow addicts.

So here is where I am...

I get a prescription for 160 10mg Oxycontin (slow release) once a month. As soon as I fill the prescription I chop up 80mg and snort them.

The sense of relief is indescribable, because by the time I get my prescription I have usually been without for at least seven days if not more. The rest of the month is spent trying not to do too many and counting out the pills so they will last me until the next refill. I never make it though, because the craving to get high outweighs my fear of getting dope sick. I always talk myself into finishing them early, even though I know in the back of my mind how horrible the withdrawals will be.

I have been doing this for going on ten years now, suffering and enjoying the high, suffering and enjoying the high.
It never gets better no matter how hard I try to make it all work out, but still I can't seem to tell my doctor to stop giving them to me.
Sometimes I manage to buy Oxy to fill the gaps, sometimes Im so sick I think I can't make it through another day of work, but somehow I carry on.

I call myself a functioning addict because I still manage to go to work every day, I still pay my bills and my taxes, I still manage to have a normal family life and make everything seem normal if your looking from the outside in...

I honestly don't know if I will ever be able to quit, but Im thankful that you guys are here to listen to me and give me advice when everything is going to ****.

I know Im not the only one trapped in this cycle, but I hope that by being brutally honest I can inspire someone else to admit the exact nature of their addiction.
We are masters at deceiving ourselves, and only by being totally honest can we begin to free ourselves from this tangled web.

[worried878]

my friend///who detoxed with me from hydros keeps getting addicted to anything she can land...now I think but not sure it is ultram...but have seen hydros in her purse...i have made up my mind not to help her or anything til she quits lying to me all the time...so u r  right..dishonesty builds mistrust..and that gets us nowhere

[corey411]

That was me too. I tried oxys and took them whenever I could get them. Pretty soom any opiate I could get my hands on would do. I also have been thru many wds and just kept using. When was the last time you had any significant amount  of clean time? You commented on 7 days. That's mostly sick time. Remember being happy before you used? That's what I strive for. Had 4 mos. once and 3 a few times and was getting there so I know that it does get better. It just takes so darn long and is so hard. I'm gonna win this fight though. Hopefully you will too. GBU, Corey

[SilverSoul]

That's part of the problem, I have constant back pain from an injury.
Because of this I was introduced to Oxycontin, but the pain in my back is no where near the pain I feel every time I go through WD.

Back pain I can live with, these pills have caused me so much pain and suffering I can barely stand it anymore..

[corey411]

Being honest...I call it telling on my addiction takes away some of its power. Maybe it would help if you told on it and posted when you get the feeling you want to do more.

Do you need it for pain or are you just getting it for the high?

[SilverSoul]

If anyone needs help or suggestions to get through withdrawals, or anything I can do to make it easier, please PM me.

I know that I have to get to the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired... Im no stranger to drugs and what they can do to a person. I really believe that the only thing that will keep me clean is by helping others to avoid the bad decisions that I have made in my life.'

I just hope people see the point I was trying to make about honesty... complete honesty to yourself and to other people about the nature of your addiction.

Together we can do anything, alone we can do nothing.

[broknbck]

Well if you are making it through 7 days it is probably not much more than that and you would be in the clear of physical withdrawl.

But you are going to have to get sick of the merry go round that you are on. you are still chasing the high. is it really worth the month of hell for just one good day. and do you really want oxy to be the center of your world? the most important thing to you?

Are you just passing time every month to wait for the next high? Is that all there really is in life to look forward to?

[corey411]

When the pain were in gets greater than the pain of change...we change. Sounds like your not ready yet. The thing with addiction is IT'S PROGRESSIVE. The cravings get worse, the ability to hold onto them gets worse and being dope sick makes you think about ending your life or committing crimes and doing things that you never believed you would do just for the high. Please keep reading posts and see  how it went for all of us. You can see if a local NA meeting has a speaker meeting and you can just go and listen to addicts tell their stories. There all the same. We all think it won't happen to us....that we can control it. Don't believe it. Stop before you become another addict story. I will send positive thoughts and prayers your way. GBU, Corey

[avisg]

You are going to have to desided if quiting is really want and are ready to do . Its not easy it will probably be one of the hardest thing you do but the pay off in the end is well worth it . you get you life back .This is put to you what do you want to do?