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4149717 tn?1389503561

Time to get humble and honest!

Its time for me to get humble. I come on here daily, wanting to help people get clean while getting clean as well. I have heard from many that I have been so helpful to them and have been a rock, etc. So if I am really going to help people then I have to be honest with you all, and be honest with myself.

I relapsed yesterday and I dont want to talk alot right now about how I relapsed, but more so as to WHY.  In the beginning of me getting clean, I was riding that infamous pink cloud! There was NO way I was going to ever touch another pill again U would tell myself!  I was Doing everything different this time! I had this this time!!  I was going to therapy to get to the root of why I use. I cut off all my sources, and actually moved to another state! I was going to AA meetings. In the beginning, A couple times a week but eventually, everyday and I got a sponsor to help me work the program. I told my secret to my family and some of my friends. I told my Dr. and I redflagged myself at my pharmacy! I did EVERYTHING that I tell people to do. So why did I relapse then???

Besides the fact that this disease is so strong.  heres where I failed. As that Pink cloud started to disappear, I was left with my own head and my own feelings. Like Most of us will be! So instead of reaching out to people and screaming from the rooftops that I was struggling emotionally, and having cravings, I very slowly over the last few weeks started isolating. I told myself I DONT NEED TO TELL ANYONE!! IM 2 months clean now! But THIS is where I went wrong. I slowly stopped going out with my sober friends. I slowly stopped talking about my feelings and how they were triggering me. I started to internalize again. I even stopped coming on here as much. I kept putting myself in situations where I would be tested and tempted! Now I realize probably because I wanted to fail.

The reason I am telling everyone this is because I see alot of people who are riding the pink cloud once they are done detoxing and think that they are done with the hard work. They start to pull away from the things that kept them clean, and they start to change their patterns back to those addictive patterns. I now know I was INCREDIBLY guilty of this. I was going through the motions of putting in the work, But I know I wasnt putting in 100% anymore to my recovery. The second we stop putting in 100% to our recovery, is when you are destined to relapse like I did.

This isnt easy AT ALL to tell you all. Im embaressed and ashamed! But I  want to share with all of you guys who have been there for me, and who I have been there for because  I hope that the reason for my failure will be a help  to others so they dont end up here, and feeling like I feel now. This disease is cunning and baffling and  The lesson I have learned from this is I cant EVER stop giving 100% to my recovery!

So anyways, Thanks everyone for listening!

Love ya all, my MH family!
Best Answer
1253584 tn?1332877954
We only have today. If ur depressed its bc ur living n yesterday and if ur anxious it's bc u r living in tomorrow. Never forget to live n the now. In this very moment. Not 5 mins ago and not 5 mins later. Just now. Not now but right now... Like...now...no wait.....RIGHT NOW! Lol

We r so alike that I know exactly how many pills u took and that's one to many. If u don't swallow it, shoot it, or put it up ur nose then u can't get high or drunk. Remember that.

Learn from this and dust urself off n try again and tell yourself every morning u wake up that ur stronger than yesterday.
98 Responses
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Avatar universal
There is something I just don't understand, Why is it so hard to know that We have a Loving Heavenly Father that loves us unconditional, but we seem to have such a hard time loving ourselves...I wish I had the answer to that..I read these post everyday now and I am trying to put myself in reality..I still have bad days and I am beginning to realize that I will always have to be on guard..I don't want to become cocky about my clean time...I want you to do something right now...I want you to close your eyes and tell yourself what a beautiful child of God you are and He loves you...We need to do that because somewhere along the way either someone of something has drilled in our heads that we're not...I am telling you WE ARE IMPORTANT..This for me also...I have so much respect for you...We only have now, let's do now...I am off for a walk with the dog and my IL Divo...Love you and BIG HUG
Helpful - 0
2107198 tn?1336136106
Wow, what a informative and helpful (albeit long.....lol) thread.

For what it is worth, since I started lurking in November 2011 and then posting in March/April 2012, I re-set my ticker in my profile after my couple of relapses, the major one after I had almost 50 days back in June.

Certainly does not change the fact that 50 clean days was better then using for those prior days, but for me the ticker and "official" clean time had to be re-set.  Seems a personal choice thing to me.

Bryan
Helpful - 0
3120424 tn?1347170032
Teresa- great attitude! You are right on girl! Quality, not quantity, right?!

We are a work in progress...

Now- I noticed Kyle asked you the same question I did a while ago- what's up with those pills? Are they in your house? Yours or a different family members? If you don't answer, I'll get the point;)
Helpful - 0
4149717 tn?1389503561
Hi all! Thanks for all the support and responses! WOW There are lots of opinions and ideas on this topic of relapse so I wanted to share with you all what MY opinion is on it.

So there is alot of debate on if this should be considered a "relapse" or a "slip up". Do I reset my clean days to 1 or do I think of it as a bump and move forward and closer to my 90 day mark.

Well heres what I think. For me, and IMO, I DID relapse even though it was only once. The reason I say that is although the pills were taken only 1 time, I mentally relapsed long before i swallowed them! Because of this, I found the pills and without a second thought I took them. So I did relapse. It *****, but I will and have already learned from it.

Now with that said, How does this affect MY clean time. Well for ME, my ultimate goal is CONTINUOUS long term sobriety. This is what I need for me  and what I am striving to obtain. So because I relapsed (although only 1 time) it has taken away my continuous sobriety. As Nursegirl said, there has to be consequences to our action and I couldnt agree me!  My consequence is that I no longer had 86 days continuous sobriety. So for me, I am starting over with my clean days!

Now this doesnt mean it negates all the hard work I have done!! I have 85 days of clean time and I am damn proud of that! I have worked hard (maybe not as hard as I should have which is why I relapsed) but I am proud of how far I have come! So I may start my continuous clean time over again but I am not upset by that! It motivates me even more to work harder!

I thank EVERYONE for your feed back, support, advice and love! This forum is a wonderful place and has helped so many! To all the New people, never stop fighting even if you fall!! Every bruise we get , reminds of us our journey!! :)

Heres to day 2 LOL ....Love you all!

Helpful - 0
1970885 tn?1435860428
In my opinion, clean time is clean time - if you take a pill, you start back at day one. Now, having said that, the withdrawal will not even be close to coming off years of use, but you did relapse. And you do start at day one with the mental battle - the part of addiction that can lead to relapse over and over.
The lessons learned during clean time, the general progress is still there, but using even one pill after months of being clean is a huge red flag.
Where did the pills come from? If the roadblocks were really up, how did the meds show up?
This New Year's eve my brain was screaming at me to get pills; I have made it almost impossible to get meds "the old ways", but that didn't stop my head. I got minutes away from going to the ER and telling some of the lies I used to, but for some reason I didn't. And, at that time, I was 3 days away from being clean one year!  It's amazing...It never stops, and that should be the lesson from all of this.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I too do not drink, maybe once every few years. Never had a problem with it.
My doc was pain pills.
So if i have a drink i also do not think it is cheating on my clean time.
Some do trade one for the other.
Helpful - 0
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