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4149717 tn?1389503561

Time to get humble and honest!

Its time for me to get humble. I come on here daily, wanting to help people get clean while getting clean as well. I have heard from many that I have been so helpful to them and have been a rock, etc. So if I am really going to help people then I have to be honest with you all, and be honest with myself.

I relapsed yesterday and I dont want to talk alot right now about how I relapsed, but more so as to WHY.  In the beginning of me getting clean, I was riding that infamous pink cloud! There was NO way I was going to ever touch another pill again U would tell myself!  I was Doing everything different this time! I had this this time!!  I was going to therapy to get to the root of why I use. I cut off all my sources, and actually moved to another state! I was going to AA meetings. In the beginning, A couple times a week but eventually, everyday and I got a sponsor to help me work the program. I told my secret to my family and some of my friends. I told my Dr. and I redflagged myself at my pharmacy! I did EVERYTHING that I tell people to do. So why did I relapse then???

Besides the fact that this disease is so strong.  heres where I failed. As that Pink cloud started to disappear, I was left with my own head and my own feelings. Like Most of us will be! So instead of reaching out to people and screaming from the rooftops that I was struggling emotionally, and having cravings, I very slowly over the last few weeks started isolating. I told myself I DONT NEED TO TELL ANYONE!! IM 2 months clean now! But THIS is where I went wrong. I slowly stopped going out with my sober friends. I slowly stopped talking about my feelings and how they were triggering me. I started to internalize again. I even stopped coming on here as much. I kept putting myself in situations where I would be tested and tempted! Now I realize probably because I wanted to fail.

The reason I am telling everyone this is because I see alot of people who are riding the pink cloud once they are done detoxing and think that they are done with the hard work. They start to pull away from the things that kept them clean, and they start to change their patterns back to those addictive patterns. I now know I was INCREDIBLY guilty of this. I was going through the motions of putting in the work, But I know I wasnt putting in 100% anymore to my recovery. The second we stop putting in 100% to our recovery, is when you are destined to relapse like I did.

This isnt easy AT ALL to tell you all. Im embaressed and ashamed! But I  want to share with all of you guys who have been there for me, and who I have been there for because  I hope that the reason for my failure will be a help  to others so they dont end up here, and feeling like I feel now. This disease is cunning and baffling and  The lesson I have learned from this is I cant EVER stop giving 100% to my recovery!

So anyways, Thanks everyone for listening!

Love ya all, my MH family!
Best Answer
1253584 tn?1332877954
We only have today. If ur depressed its bc ur living n yesterday and if ur anxious it's bc u r living in tomorrow. Never forget to live n the now. In this very moment. Not 5 mins ago and not 5 mins later. Just now. Not now but right now... Like...now...no wait.....RIGHT NOW! Lol

We r so alike that I know exactly how many pills u took and that's one to many. If u don't swallow it, shoot it, or put it up ur nose then u can't get high or drunk. Remember that.

Learn from this and dust urself off n try again and tell yourself every morning u wake up that ur stronger than yesterday.
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Avatar universal
Hang in there girl.  This is my 5th time round, and detox is not fun.  I had support of hubby the first 3 times, now he says if he finds out I am using fioricet again he is outta here.  Wouldn't bother me any, just can't afford to live on my own.  I can't stand my life.  I have very few friends.  I have isolated myself.  I don't like being obligated to do anything at any time except babysit my grandson.  I can control my useage when with him.  Gonna go join the physical fitness center down at the hospital this week, and trying to wean off slowly.  I have heard exercise helps, but I also have artificial knee.  Oh well.  Keep trying hun, and so will I.
Helpful - 0
4204073 tn?1361831476
Thanks abritt!    I don't have a problem with alcohol.   In fact, I really don't much care for it, but once in a while it's nice to have a social drink.   I stayed away from it during the holidays because I was afraid that I was going to give up my 'clean days' when I was so close to 30 days.   Reading some of these posts, it sounds like for some that drinking alcohol can trigger their addiction, and it kind of freaked me out.   And then others have said that a drug is a drug is a drug to an addict ad NA/AA Meetings and that alcohol is a drug.   Then I started thinking I might be two faced if I had a drink and then went to a meeting.  
Helpful - 0
900459 tn?1304993259
Clean time is a broad term but what really matters is what u yourself consider clean time and not what anyone else thinks. In my opinion no if u have a drink when your problem was something else that's not ruining clean time my problem was pills I have and don't have a problem with alcohol and don't drink much but I will have a drink with friends every once in a while and don't consider that to have anything to do with my addiction to pills but again I may be different but just because someone disagrees with me doesn't change my opinion someone can tell me oh u had a drink now you have no clean days but in my mind and my mind is the one that really matters in this situation that has nothing to do with my clean time from opiates so if u feel like having a drink will take away your clean time then you can do that but what I'm getting at here is clean time has no solid definition because everyone looks at it different so u have to ask yourself what clean time means to you and go with that and not with what anyone else says because what u think is the final verdict for you
Helpful - 0
4204073 tn?1361831476
Thank you NG for your explanation on 'clean days'.   I too was curious about that.   I agree that the experience and lessons we learn during clean days cannot be taken away even if we are starting over at day 1 on being clean.  That's part of the accountability factor.  

I am curious that if a person has a problem with pain pills and gets clean from those, does having an alcoholic beverage take away their 'clean' time?    Is clean time all about no mind altering substances (even prescribed meds) as well as alcohol?   Or is it specifically related to the drug of choice being abused?    
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
Just lending my support to all of you who are struggling!  T, I'm sorry you're dealing with this....you and Dana both have really had some rough patches.  You've BOTH had to deal with a tremendous amount of very stressful life events smack in the middle of new sobriety.  That in itself is so hard!  I feel for you guys, I really do!

You're both getting back on track....take the support you're getting here...ALL of it.  Even the words that may seem more harsh.  NO ONE is bashing you...everyone here wants to see you succeed.  It's SO hard to open up and be honest iin this kind of environment, and admit you fell down.  I think it's great that you both took the plunge and did that.  That took SO much courage....I'm sincerely super impressed with you guys.  Sure, it opens you up for some criticism, but without criticism in ANY aspect of our lives, how are we to learn?  NO one has all the answers, they can only share what THEY have been through and what has worked for them.  I think you are handling this with humility, and confidence.  

It's easy to feel vulnerable and defensive...you're back is up, and everyone feels like they're piling on you.  Just take some deep breaths and remember that the message is the same...regardless of who is deliovering the message, or how they're delivering it.  People care so much.  You've helped a lot of people here....it's YOUR turn again,...to be on the receiving end.

KS, I agree with you very much.  I think when a person counts "days", those are "clean" days...and even if a relapse only involved one pill and one day...to not take away from the meaning of "clean time"...and discount it for others, that number needs reset.  There's no hard rules about it, but i think in order to learn something from a relapse, and to be able to send the right message to others...it's important to acknowledge the relapse for what it is, as hard as that is to do.  

OMG...yes, that's a sucker punch to have to do that, but I think that also helps with the learning process, there DOES have to be consequences, or there is no incentive to not repeat the behavior.  Everyone here puts so much importance on those numbers, as they should!  So, having to reset the clock is no doubt heartbreaking.  That being said, the NUMBER in NO way disounts all of the progress that has been made.  Like you said, you cannot undo experiences you've had...all of that is still there.  

Teresa...praying for you, and you know I'm here for you.  You can PM me anytime.  I think you're doing well, you're dusting yourself off, you're being honest and humble which is NOT easy to do.

I cannot directly relate to what you're going through, but I've had my fair share of HUGE failures in my life where I let myself down....I'm sure the pain and disappointment you feel is tremendous.  This is a battle,....an unending one.  You guard your sobriety with everything you have in you.

Much love to you!!!!  XOXO
Helpful - 0
3197167 tn?1348968606
Maybe one of the most misunderstood things about a relapse that is shouting off the page at me these last few days is when a relapse occurs a person LOSES..."ALL" the benefits of their clean time and must start at the beginning with EVERYthing.
A person cannot UN-EXPERIENCE something!  The pain,  the growth, the struggles and lessons gained are ALWAYS within us.  We never LOSE those.  And we do need to search our hearts honestly and search out some new lessons from the relapse as well.

As far as the "roll call", the counting of clean days, the being proud and sharing our joy with others about how many days we have been totally clean.....how can we be proud of a certain "number of days" when that number isn't an honest one?

These seem like two TOTALLY different issues of relapse....we are here to help the still suffering addict, the newcomers that desperately attempting to get clean and learn HOW to stay clean; to be an example of HOW it works......and the H will always = Honesty......that's the only way it works.

Our loves speaks for itself by embracing those willing to be honest.


Helpful - 0
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