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4149717 tn?1389503561

Time to get humble and honest!

Its time for me to get humble. I come on here daily, wanting to help people get clean while getting clean as well. I have heard from many that I have been so helpful to them and have been a rock, etc. So if I am really going to help people then I have to be honest with you all, and be honest with myself.

I relapsed yesterday and I dont want to talk alot right now about how I relapsed, but more so as to WHY.  In the beginning of me getting clean, I was riding that infamous pink cloud! There was NO way I was going to ever touch another pill again U would tell myself!  I was Doing everything different this time! I had this this time!!  I was going to therapy to get to the root of why I use. I cut off all my sources, and actually moved to another state! I was going to AA meetings. In the beginning, A couple times a week but eventually, everyday and I got a sponsor to help me work the program. I told my secret to my family and some of my friends. I told my Dr. and I redflagged myself at my pharmacy! I did EVERYTHING that I tell people to do. So why did I relapse then???

Besides the fact that this disease is so strong.  heres where I failed. As that Pink cloud started to disappear, I was left with my own head and my own feelings. Like Most of us will be! So instead of reaching out to people and screaming from the rooftops that I was struggling emotionally, and having cravings, I very slowly over the last few weeks started isolating. I told myself I DONT NEED TO TELL ANYONE!! IM 2 months clean now! But THIS is where I went wrong. I slowly stopped going out with my sober friends. I slowly stopped talking about my feelings and how they were triggering me. I started to internalize again. I even stopped coming on here as much. I kept putting myself in situations where I would be tested and tempted! Now I realize probably because I wanted to fail.

The reason I am telling everyone this is because I see alot of people who are riding the pink cloud once they are done detoxing and think that they are done with the hard work. They start to pull away from the things that kept them clean, and they start to change their patterns back to those addictive patterns. I now know I was INCREDIBLY guilty of this. I was going through the motions of putting in the work, But I know I wasnt putting in 100% anymore to my recovery. The second we stop putting in 100% to our recovery, is when you are destined to relapse like I did.

This isnt easy AT ALL to tell you all. Im embaressed and ashamed! But I  want to share with all of you guys who have been there for me, and who I have been there for because  I hope that the reason for my failure will be a help  to others so they dont end up here, and feeling like I feel now. This disease is cunning and baffling and  The lesson I have learned from this is I cant EVER stop giving 100% to my recovery!

So anyways, Thanks everyone for listening!

Love ya all, my MH family!
Best Answer
1253584 tn?1332877954
We only have today. If ur depressed its bc ur living n yesterday and if ur anxious it's bc u r living in tomorrow. Never forget to live n the now. In this very moment. Not 5 mins ago and not 5 mins later. Just now. Not now but right now... Like...now...no wait.....RIGHT NOW! Lol

We r so alike that I know exactly how many pills u took and that's one to many. If u don't swallow it, shoot it, or put it up ur nose then u can't get high or drunk. Remember that.

Learn from this and dust urself off n try again and tell yourself every morning u wake up that ur stronger than yesterday.
98 Responses
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2218783 tn?1357571081
I wish I had all the answers today I guess I am just struggling, I see many people on here struggling and they have also been clean some longer than me and It scares me scares the h3ll out of me.
What will I do about it? yes I question what you have also.
for me I will get myself to a meeting and talk to my sponsor and reach out to see if I can help anyone. And just take this battle one day at a time and use what I have learned and hope that I am strong enough to get through another day.
Helpful - 0
2218783 tn?1357571081
Keith, day 1 to me is the withdraw part when your body is screaming and you are cramping and sweating and throwing up on both ends This is day 1.
The hard part of this battle in the beginning is you always say if I can just get through the way my body is trembling. well that passes and it does But then The mental part starts and for me Thats when the real works begins. I am at 198 days and yes each day leading up to this has gotten easier but its mental and mental is hard because you cant leave your own mind.
I get up each day and fight for my sobriety I hope I win the battle..... and I also hope many newcomers on here see this and know it can be done and your life is better than any day you ever used. It is work but so worth it!
Helpful - 0
900459 tn?1304993259
You are exactly right about ppl getting past the detox and thru withdrawal and that's great and all but most ppl dont realize that is actually the easy part because once that's all said and done any addict has to learn to live their life without drugs all over again because facing everyday problems even simple ones are things we did not do while using we just hid behind the drugs and while it is great to make it thru detox I have and will always say being confident is good but overconfident kills because when ppl do get on the cloud u talked about and become to confident that means that ever important guard is not up like it should be especially that soon into recovery. But hey neway don't get down on yourself because relapse is unfortunately part of recovery and it happens to everyone but its not the relapse that is the biggest part of this its how u handle the relapse and learn from your mistakes. Hang in there you are doing great  

Good luck and Godspeed
ABritt
Helpful - 0
2218783 tn?1357571081
Sonrissa  Nobody feels good about relapsing its so scary I get up everyday and fight and I know its hard somedays I just think just one"1" pill what could it hurt? But you know the answer "1"is never enough. Never never enough.
I know reading this whole post I thought maybe taking one pill is the answer just so I can see that I am stronger than this addiction I have this Nasty frikin addiction that has taken so much of my time my life My Money.  But you know the answer and so do I. Sonrissa you are having a hard time and I hope you reach out and see that you can get through this Its part of the recovery process Time goes by even months but that Lil voice still whispers in our ear, If I had told you I had been agonizing over relapsing what would you tell me???. You are always always supporting so many think about the advice you would give me?
Like I said in post to Teresa This is a battle we are in and yes somedays its so Damm hard but you can get through it Get back to the basics the basics. Do something nice for yourself Taking a Pill will not make the problems go away what will happen is you will have that Horrible GUILT! and you have worked so hard to get your life back. Please talk to me I am here for you Always. As you have been for me!  Much Love to you my Friend:) (((SONRISA))) You are worth it! GUARD Your Clean Time its sacred! Guard it with your life! <3
Helpful - 0
3517260 tn?1388877193
   Can someone explain how you relapse and not start back at day 1.Not judgeing anybody here just concerned how it looks to the newcomer.
Helpful - 0
2218783 tn?1357571081
I am very proud of you for posting on here and being honest.
I am truly sorry just reading your post I hear in your words how hard it was for you to share this.
You dont need to start over with day 1 just move forward my friend Move forward,((Hugs)) Learn from this and  you have come a very long way and you
have been very strong and offered alot of support to many many people on here including me, Now its time for you to get the support and care that you need.
This is a battle we are all going through and you are always willing to fight and help anyone you will get through this and just remember its One day at a time we cant change the past But The Future is open we can make it through this :))
Thank you for posting and sharing!

Helpful - 0
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