Its time for me to get humble. I come on here daily, wanting to help people get clean while getting clean as well. I have heard from many that I have been so helpful to them and have been a rock, etc. So if I am really going to help people then I have to be honest with you all, and be honest with myself.
I relapsed yesterday and I dont want to talk alot right now about how I relapsed, but more so as to WHY. In the beginning of me getting clean, I was riding that infamous pink cloud! There was NO way I was going to ever touch another pill again U would tell myself! I was Doing everything different this time! I had this this time!! I was going to therapy to get to the root of why I use. I cut off all my sources, and actually moved to another state! I was going to AA meetings. In the beginning, A couple times a week but eventually, everyday and I got a sponsor to help me work the program. I told my secret to my family and some of my friends. I told my Dr. and I redflagged myself at my pharmacy! I did EVERYTHING that I tell people to do. So why did I relapse then???
Besides the fact that this disease is so strong. heres where I failed. As that Pink cloud started to disappear, I was left with my own head and my own feelings. Like Most of us will be! So instead of reaching out to people and screaming from the rooftops that I was struggling emotionally, and having cravings, I very slowly over the last few weeks started isolating. I told myself I DONT NEED TO TELL ANYONE!! IM 2 months clean now! But THIS is where I went wrong. I slowly stopped going out with my sober friends. I slowly stopped talking about my feelings and how they were triggering me. I started to internalize again. I even stopped coming on here as much. I kept putting myself in situations where I would be tested and tempted! Now I realize probably because I wanted to fail.
The reason I am telling everyone this is because I see alot of people who are riding the pink cloud once they are done detoxing and think that they are done with the hard work. They start to pull away from the things that kept them clean, and they start to change their patterns back to those addictive patterns. I now know I was INCREDIBLY guilty of this. I was going through the motions of putting in the work, But I know I wasnt putting in 100% anymore to my recovery. The second we stop putting in 100% to our recovery, is when you are destined to relapse like I did.
This isnt easy AT ALL to tell you all. Im embaressed and ashamed! But I want to share with all of you guys who have been there for me, and who I have been there for because I hope that the reason for my failure will be a help to others so they dont end up here, and feeling like I feel now. This disease is cunning and baffling and The lesson I have learned from this is I cant EVER stop giving 100% to my recovery!
So anyways, Thanks everyone for listening!
Love ya all, my MH family!
We r so alike that I know exactly how many pills u took and that's one to many. If u don't swallow it, shoot it, or put it up ur nose then u can't get high or drunk. Remember that.
Learn from this and dust urself off n try again and tell yourself every morning u wake up that ur stronger than yesterday.