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Avatar universal

Time to take the plunge..

Well I took my last quarter sub this morning and by tonight should really start feeling the wds. I've got my brother coming up tommorow to help with the kids so I'm verrrry relieved about that. I tried a couple weeks ago to go ct but having no help with my young ones made it pretty impossible. Glad and very grateful that I finally got help lined up. Since then I've been taking very small amounts of sub, hardly enough to keep me out of full blown wds so I'm hoping the two weeks I've spent feeling crappy pay off in that I won't get hit too bad but no matter what wds throw at me I'm feeling ok about it because I have help coming.

On one hand I'm nervous and even a bit scared but really I just wanna get this over with!!! I am going to do as many meetings as I can once I get through detox. I might even join AA because in my area there are far more AA meetings and I really could do 90 in 90. NA around here doesn't have that many meetings so at best I could only do 3 maybe 4 a week. I want to do 90 in 90 or very close to it because I know in my heart I'll NEED to. I've gotten through the worst wds imaginable before but like so many others it's the depression and anxiety that got me both other times I quit. I didn't seek aftercare those times and I hope by really throwing myself head first into recovery that will be what makes the difference this time. I have to face the issues that led me to self medicate and although it's going to be very painful and very uncomfortable I know it's neccessary to face those demons and get rid of them so they can't keep hurting me. I've carried around incredible pain inside for far too long and I have never learned how to truly let go of the past. Hopefully recovery will help me do just that. Because living the way I have is not an option anymore. I've lost enough to the stupid pills, almost lost my life too and enough is enough. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and I'm willing to do what it takes to stay clean. I'm not kidding myself though, I know this is going to be very very hard. I'm glad to have you guys here because it will make the coming days, weeks, months etc easier to get through knowing there are people here I can talk to who know exactly what it's like to get off opiates. That's very reassuring. So here goes..
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Avatar universal
Everyone thank you so much for your support. The posts literally brought tears to my eyes. I've been very down emotionally and just keep kicking myself but I know that's gotta stop. You guys helped me so much through this and even now you help put things into perspective. I've spent the last couple days trying to come to terms with everything, it's been miserable but after reading the responses here I think I'll give myself permission to stop feeling so guilty and like a failure. Even though being on sub was not my goal, being clean was and still is I know I am not going to stop here. And I don't want to get too cozy on the subs..hoping if I really work on my recovery and get lots of support in NA maybe I will be in the right place mentally to deal with wds. The reason why I gave in was not the physical (well I gotta be honest, it was a big part) but it's mostly my head that makes it seem impossible. I need to get my head straight before I can detox. There's a piece of the puzzle missing that I need to find. Something that needs to be addressed before I can go forward. And I think NA will help me get my head right before my next attempt which will be soon. I know the risks of going too long on sub and have to kind of try and balance that out with the time I'll need to get some help to be better prepared. Might try a 21 day sub taper and see how it goes. 21 days is definitely not a lot of time but I can always adjust it if I need to. I have to keep trying and one of these times I'll get it right. I can't give up no matter what, I'll keep trying.
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1543547 tn?1298433360
Dont feel like you let anyone down sweetheart. You knew you couldnt do this AFTER trying like heck. The point is you tried. Everybody is different and need different tools and treatments to get well. I think its AWESOME you went back to subs instead of turning back to oxy. That took amazing courage and strength. Dont let ANYBODY make you feel bad or like failure. YOUR NOT. Keep posting and we will keep praying. We are here to support NOT judge. Hope your catching up on some sleep. Take care hun and I will check in on ya tomorrow. Gna go toss and turn in my sleepless bed lol
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Avatar universal
hey girl well you gave it a fighting try.....I know all to well how it goes I had a 16 1/2 yr love affair with opiates been threw withdrawals more then a few times....at least you got your head in the right place and know you need meetings as well as the sub to be successful
sub alone will just put your addiction on hold the real help comes with the aftercare
the only thing that bothers me about sub is the fact you never know what your withdrawal is going to be like some of our members have jumped off at 2mg and went threw mild withdrawals other members have jumped off at litterly crumbs of the stuff and went threw awful withdrawals its a crap shoot you wont know till its time to detox from it I have never had a problem with some one needing help to break free from a drug like oxy...but you did it right you gave it your best shot b/4 you went to the sub I wish you all the best with this keep posting to let us know how it goes for you....your probably sleeping like a baby if they induced you today so post in the morning good luck and God bless.....Gnarly    
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1501269 tn?1293958688
You have to do what's right for you.  I started on subs 13 days ago and I thought long and hard, researched and everything. And honestly I've seen more negative info then positive, online anyway, but at the end of the day I just could not go through another CT WD, I couldn't do it.  So I started on sub and I'm talking to people now about how to taper down and all that just because my doctor seems like someone that would keep me on it long term.  I know it's up to me to get off, I also know that I have a lot of work to do before hand.  We are similar, I suffered from depression and anxiety as well. And even our current situations, I am a single mother of two daughters, my car was repoed and I got evicted spending my bill money on pills.  I was staying with someone who no longer wanted us there. So right now my daughters and I are in a hotel. I feel like I"m rambling but bottom line is that I needed help with the withdrawals yeah but I also needed something to help me get my life back together........................................you made the decision that you felt was right for you and I wouldn't feel bad about that..............take care of yourself
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Avatar universal
Your not letting anyone down.  As I said, my best friend went that route too.  She needs the time to get her life and head together.  I am happy for you that you have met a friend at NA in the real world that you can talk to, that understands what you are going through too.  That should be a big help.

One thing that I notice with you is that you are worrying too much about what others think.  That is a huge burden to carry.  Focus on you and getting better for you.  
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Avatar universal
I just left the doctors and yes the guy I see does not charge me anything but the script for sub. That costs me 50 a week. I spend almost that on one 80 of oxy so it's a good deal. I'm in Canada so doc visits are covered.

Is it what I want? No. But let me give you a quick snapshot of my current situation. Mom of 2 young kids, spent my summer in a shelter because the guy I was with was a drunk and oxy addict too. Just trying to get back on my feet and pick up the pieces. My mind needs help as much as my addicted body does. And with my mind the way it is I just don't stand a chance at staying clean in the state I'm in. I wish I had the luxury of signing into rehab for however long it would take to fix myself but I can't and rather then go get pills sub is the lesser evil at the moment. I know I'll have to get off sub one day but if I do it right I'll be able to live in my own skin when I do. I can't see doing that now. I wasn't ready to jump. I need to get my head together first. Thank you Lyn. I didn't want to let anyone down.
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1122748 tn?1306239764
agree with faith_

you have bunches praying.. dont substitute opiate for opiate..

u past the hard part like gnarly said..

u r loved
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Avatar universal
PS>  You are so close to turning the corner.  Do you think you could handle one more day to think it through?  I will support you with whatever decision you make, everyone will.  And besides, one day we will all go our seperate ways and this is your life that you have to live.  I just want you to be sure of your decision.  love and hugs! lyn
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Avatar universal
Don't apologize and don't feel guilty.  You have to do what is best for you.  My friend is doing the sub program and luckily this dr. only starts patients at 8mg and starts weaning them 1mg per week after the first initial 2 weeks.  He requires them to go to 2 meetings per week and drug testing.  
See, me and my friend are totally different.  I knew ahead of time what I needed to do and my main concern was getting the pills out of my system so I did the 21 day taper.  For her, she needed the time to get her head together.  She was on much stronger stuff, methadone, roxy, whatever she could find on the street to keep her out of withdrawal.  So, that is that.  She knows that she will go through withdrawal from the sub when the time comes.
The main thing - are you sure this is what you want to do?  You are so close to being off of everything.  Also, do you have good sub drs. there where you are?  Don't let them put you on a super high dose either...that is stupid for them to do.  I think most of them are getting a clue now that most people don't need over 8mgs starting and you, where you are could start even lower.  Do you have the money or insurance to cover the medicine?  I would hate for you to just run out and be stuck.  If this is really what you want, when the time comes, I would drop your dose by 1mg each time and make sure you stick to a taper..in other words, once you drop, stay there, don't go up and down because that will make it worse in the end.  
People have used the time on sub to get their life together.  Just remember to plan way ahead when you decide to stop so you can get through the withdrawals then.
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Avatar universal
I feel so guilty. I'm sorry.
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Avatar universal
I made a decision today. I'm going on suboxone. I know what you guys are going to say but I can't do this like this. I think if I do the sub program properly and get my head straight then I'll be able to get off opiates one day soon. Nobody has to live my life but me and doing it ct just isn't going to work. I'm sorry and I feel like such a heel but I have to do what will work for me. Over and out.

At least I should be able to induct at a low dose and taper slowly from there. I'm going to continue to do meetings and work on my head. Because if this has taught me anything it's that I'm more ****** up then I realized.
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Avatar universal
HI how are you doing now?? if it makes you feel any better it probably wont get any worst from here your going into day 3 your 1/2 way threw it just a few days more and this will be behind you DONT go back on the sub it will make everything you have worked for in vein
YOU CAN DO THIS your doing it when it gets tuff take a deep breath and regroup remember this is all about attitude use your symptoms to strengthen your resolve to quit tell yourself nothing is going to control me like this any more and dont give up 5 min b/4 the mirical
hang in there and keep posting for support good luck my prayers go out to you.....Gnarly  
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Avatar universal
Hey tired, I just got through praying for you.  I know you feel like you are in h*ll right now but it will pass.  I would not go back on sub because you would be just prolonging withdrawals now.  Hang in there and don't give up.  lyn
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1543547 tn?1298433360
Hey hun. Ive been thinking about you and sending prayers up to the big guy for you. Oh that devils candy thats given out leads to the playground of hell. Even though you dont feel it your strength and courage are AMAZING. You are being a fabulous role model to those waiting in the wings trying to decide to jump or not. Your being so honest about how your feeling and i for one apprecite your honesty. I am on day 18 clean and even tho im ahead of u in recovery PLEASE KNOW I am drawing strength off your pure determination and power to get better. You hang tough sweetheart and know WE ARE ALL CHEERING YOU ON AND WE CARE! Try to smile at yourself  in the mirror today and tell yourself this HOPE IS THE REFLECTION IN YOUR MIRROR. God bless you. I will check on u soon. Just remember to smile at yourself today  :)
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Avatar universal
It's 4 am and I'm struggling. I've talked myself into going back on sub 10 times tonight. I'm so screwed up. I don't know if I have another ct detox in me. But in the last 10 minutes especially since reading these posts I'm feeling better. I just hate how messed up I feel right now. I know  babbling I just feel so scared. Common to man I guess. Lyn I hope God does help me through this. I wouldn't blame Him for having gotten fed up with me but my heart tells me he's there and I am wanting to have faith in myself so bad but my mind keeps scaring me and saying you can't do this!! I wish it would shut up!!

I worry about everything and anything. My mind chatters incessantly to me and most of it just makes me doubt myself. I'm pretty sure it's the drugs talking but they can be convincing voices telling me I won't make it. Ah I'm going to try and sleep and quiet the thoughts that are bothering me. Thank you so much for your posts, theyre helping me so much to get through this.
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Avatar universal
Hey girl dident know if you'd be up now I think im part owl lol anyway I find this an effective time to help people ......a lot of people run out of pills in the day not knowing anything about withdrawals till they get hit with them right about now....so it a good time to help out
also most people dont sleep wile doing this and I just want to be up to offer encouragement
and to tell you to keep pushing past the pain.....the prize is so worth it....your off to a great start with the meetings thay will help in more ways then you will know aftercare is critical
and make this whole process ezer keep doing what your doing pull close to God when you think you cant go any more and you will get threw this fine I will check on you in the morning if I dont see you tonight your in my prays good luck and God bless.....Gnarly
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Avatar universal
Hi. Glad to hear about your meeting. I owe you so much. You've been with me every step, so I want you to know I'm praying for you. I can only tell you the obvious, so don't overthink and try to calculate what's in your body, what the next three days will be like, etc. I'm not saying to be naive, I'm just saying take it moment by moment and only look to the positive. You're doing it!!! You knew you were going to and now you are! Remember how bad I was??? It's still not sunshine and roses, but it's 1000 times better than it was. I mean that.

Read what you posted to me and do those things. You're already on the other side :) Know you are loved and appreciated. in Him, David
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1198664 tn?1368647812
Keep it up you are doing fIne! I also ran a fever for like 3 weeks during my wd! Never ran one before but I did this time. It would be up and down. I finally just stopped takin it I was getting pizzed off at the thermometer.
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Avatar universal
Hey tired, can you believe I just got home an hour ago and then now just sat down, man what a day!  I hate grocery shopping, the prices are so ridiculously high and the packages just keep getting smaller and smaller.  At least I got some exercise in since I had to walk around Walmart over and over because I could not find anything.

I really felt like God wanted you to hear the message behind my post about "common to man."  I have thought about sharing that story many times here but for some reason had yet to do it, but immediately when reading your previous posts I knew that I should share it with you.  Why?  Because God wants you to know that He is right there with you and He will see you through this.  It is amazing to me how God works, how those 3 words kept ringing in my ear when I felt like I was going insane with pain and sleeplessness and to pick up that little bible that has sat on that shelf for years for the first time and for that piece of paper to fall out of it with that scripture on it, was really amazing and it let me know that God was listening to me, to my every word, that He cares about me and wants the very best for me and also for you and for all of us.  
I know now why He didn't deliver me and take my suffering away that day.  It was because I needed to know how it felt if I were to ever comfort anyone else.  How could I ever be of any use if I could not empathize and have compassion for others in the same situation.  He takes what is meant for bad, for our destruction and He restores us and turns an ugly situation into a beautiful one.  

PS>  I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years due to rejection from my father, my exhusband almost strangled me to death years ago and I was raped when I was 11 years old.  I have slowly learned how to numb the pain over the years with pills and isolating myself.  I wasted 10 years of my life.  And none of the bad things that happened to me are my fault.  I have nothing to be ashamed of.  I am wonderfully and beautifully made by God who loves me regardless of my mistakes.  He loves me just as I am and no more will I hide or try to mask any bad feelings.  I will put them in the past where they belong and I will embrace my emotions.  If I need to cry, I will cry, If I need to scream, I will scream.   I have never told anyone except my mom and mybest friend about the rape but for some reason feel like it's time to share basically to let you know that whatever has you depressed and bound up inside, you have to give it to God and put it in the past so that you can start your future today full of hope and joy.  hugs! lyn
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Avatar universal
Thanks gnarly, I really appreciate your support through this and yes, through God I also believe that all things are possible - including restoring a once hopeless addict like me to sanity again.

These wds are kicking my butt and I fear that it's really just beginning. I think the sub, even though I thought it wasn't hanging around in my system too long because I was only taking a quarter sub, well I think it did build up somewhat. I think my quarter sub hooked up with the one from the next day and so on and I think the reality is I'm detoxong off a lot more sub then I thought. Being that sub has a half life of what 36 hours? That means the last of it would have been leaving my system last night or this morning roughly so I think the next few days are going to be a real doozie. I'm really going to have to try and hang on here and know that it will get better, Thanks and please people keep posting to me, it really helps me more then you know.
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Avatar universal
HEY Girl just checking up on you and want to encourage you to keep pushing threw
when I was at my worst I just kept saying...''all things are possible threw Christ Jesus''
I think I said it 100 times a day for a few days your going to get threw this remember the symptoms are only temporary and when its all said and done you wont be chained to a pill bottle any more...I will keep you in my prayers....when it gets bad pray with all  your heart
""we wrestle not ageist the flesh but ageist the principality of darkness'' there was never a truer statement made about withdrawals its a spiritual battle remember this one is one or lost in ones own mind keep your mind in the word of God and begin to know him as I do....as my deliverer good luck and God bless......Gnarly    
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Avatar universal
Lyn THANK YOU!!!! I read your post over and over. I did miss it. I was bawling my eyes out and everything was a blur and I didn't see it before. It gave me such relief and I feel like at least someone out there cares enough to write to me. I'm feeling awful sorry for myself right now but I'm going to hang in there even though my negative thinking keeps harassing me. I will try to replace each negative thought with a positive one. Negative thinking is a real problem I have and in recovery I hope to really change that toxic thinking because no good can come from it. It's negative thinking that allowed my addiction to explode into what it is today. The wds are awfullllllllll. And I gotta keep focused on the "just for today" thing. I keep thinking about how will I have the strength to endure all the time its going to take to eventually become ok again. I'm overwhelming myself and thats not good!!

God will get me through what I need to face in the coming days. I'm going to beg him to take my pain, my weakness and my crazy thinking and lead me to a good life that I can be proud of. My dream is to get through this and really recover. I need to reinvent myself because even before the drugs I was in bad shape. I suffered bad from depression and anxiety and hope I can deal with the issues that led me to self medicate so that being clean doesn't feel like unbearable hell. I want to do this so bad but it's sooo hard!! But I'm going to try and just take it a day or at this time, a minute at a time. I have to really live in the moment and stop torturing myself with thoughts of how I'll cope with my crazy mind in the days to come. I regret becoming an addict but at the same time this might be the life changing event I needed to really change my thinking and get my life together for the first time ever.

Thank you again Lyn, I felt so alone and was really thinking about thowing in the towel a few times today but I keep reminding myself that pills aren't the answer to anything anymore. I feel so beyond repair at times though, I think sometimes I might be too far gone to ever be normal again. I;ve never been normal to begin with! But maybe with a LOT of help and recovery I can be a person who can live in their own skin and being sober might not feel like torture anymore to me.
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Avatar universal
Did you see my post above yours tired?  I know just how hard it is but it will pass and I believe in you..you can do this, just hang on and push through it.

Gotta run to the grocery store but will be back to check on you later.  hugs! lyn
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Avatar universal
I think I better get to another meeting tonight. I really need some support and feel alone right now. Wish there was more people on....I know people work during the day but if anyone reads this please give me some encouragement. I'm frustrated and climbing the walls here...
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