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I've been clean over for a month now, but im still on the methadone im currently on 27.5mls, i requested to go down 5 mls but the doctor refused.

Im supposed to go overseas in a month so i dont really know how im going to do this, i think im just gonna end up doing cold turkey overseas.

Ive been really depressed lately, sometimes my mood is really high but then i get talking to my x girlfriend and she makes me feel useless.

Part of the reason for me to stop was her but really it was for myself. She gave me the hope of us being together again after we both fixed ourselves up. Then again now she says there's no hope for us, that were different people blah blah giving me the hot and cold.

I did start using because we formed the addiction together, i got myself on the meth cause i truley did want to stop, she was on and off the meth so it made it really hard for me to stop too, we actually made it difficult for each other. Well we have both stopped, but she has changed into a totally different person.

We both started using cause she was depressed, and with my past depression i got into it too, it was a downfall for both of us. I delibratley tried to overdosed once for her cause i couldn't handle it, and this was b4 we were going out!(i wasn't using then too)

I haven't been taking my depression pills for a while know but latley i have been really depressed. Today i really wanted to commit suicide, i thought about overdosing on methadone take 150 mls or so of bottles i did not use. I was going to do it and sat there with a knife sitting outside the house, but just as about i was going to do it relatives came over so i just hid in my room.

I don't have many friends and the friends that i do have are all users, having long relationships 3 years 8 years then 10 years all consecutively my network of friends have faded. To be honest i don't think anyone would really care or miss me, i tried to reach out to some friends even my x but there all to busy or don't have the time, they will talk for a bit then say they will be back or gonna go for a smoke.

I don't want to kill myself for my x, its just that im tired of all this... because of me my x decided to have an abortion because i was a unfit person. Its really unfair that a future life was sacrificed for my stuff ups. Im tired of living a lie, fake smiles and pretending to be someone that i not... and really no one cares anyways.

I'm not sure whether i should go on the anti depressants, i think they will just make me more suicidal or is it just the methadone making me feel this way.

I got a bit off topic before but im just a ball of emotions, i'm sick of remembering the past and how certain people thought they could use me and leave me. I have committed suicide several times before but the help of strangers and friends found me dead and called just in time. The last time i almost succeed, i think this time if i do it again i will succeed as i have no more friends or family around me.

13 Responses
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949941 tn?1246120381
Hey guys down to 1ml. almost there... doctor has put me on caterpress i know i tapered really quick and boy am i feeling it throwing up in the mornings i do not enjoy.

I have a few bottles of methdone left, so i decided to stop going to the phamrmancy as i only have less then two weeks till i leave and could use that extra money for other things.

I plan to come back and get a implant, naltraxone i think it is? What does anyone think of this? ive heard of people cutting them selves up and removing it.

My social worker/physiologist has been a big help and helping with mental health plans and support networks when i get back.

Things are looking up.

Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
hope you make it, there is no easy way off matience drugs even a slow taper can feel like death, as long as you have a good strong recovery support group you will survive and not go back to this kind of life
keep us updated!!!
xo
Helpful - 0
949941 tn?1246120381
Ive tappered down to 20 mls of methadone, i can feel my bones shaking but its something i must do....

The depression is wearing off, ive talked to some of my old friends who have been there in the past and have made things much clearer. Like my friend said i care too much for friends and i should stop doing that and choose carefully who i reach out too. That way i wont get used and abused.

As for the x gf, i have relised she makes me feel worse about myself as she some how tries to shift the blame to me when im only trying to be there for her. So my friends have told me "she is not worth it If she loves you, if she even deserves your love...she'll reciprocate those feelings through her actions man"..... and yes actions speaks louder than words....

I will be reducing my dose one again on Monday.... ill keep u guys informed on my progress
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
i have been clean since august 04, i know what you mean about meeting people in rehab
but we all have to take responsibility for ourselves, rehab is a great solution to your problem, its easy to see who is in treatment because they want it and who is wasting everyones time, you have to stick with the winners, its the same with na, i see people come in all the time and think, man they are so high but then i remember that i am at a meeting for drug addicts, some are still sick, i would rather see them in a meeting than dead, maybe one day they will get it
you made the best observation, never heard it put this way
"theres always another drug to help you get off the one your own"
for me i got to a point where all narcotics were usless to me, i gave up that search for the perfect drug
Helpful - 0
949941 tn?1246120381
yeah i think its the opiates its messing with my head, im going to have a appointment with a worker on Friday about attending NA, im just scared cause when my gf went to rehab she ended up making more useless friends, the same when i went to rehab i ended up using on the third day cause someone snuck it in (shame on me, this was a few years back).
Can i ask how long you been clean for? I hate this world there's always a drug to keep you of another drug.... its the solution for everything these days, i wish there was a miracle cure for everything
Helpful - 0
949941 tn?1246120381
Thanks IBKleen you are a great help to many of us who need the support, i dunno how this site could survive with out you!

i was on 30 and i wanted to tapper down to 25, then to 20 etc.....

thanks for the advice, and prayers you dont know how much it means =)
Helpful - 0
949941 tn?1246120381
Wow shelwoy, you been through so much its good to hear that there are some people in this world that are able to pull through with no support.

Yes she could have had the baby, we had support from both sides of the family, but in the end she wasn't ready and part of her decision was that she did not want a child that wouldn't have both the parents there.. she didnt want to take the risk of bringing a child into the world when all i had were words as promises...... it was a turning point for me to see a tiny child moving but to have that taken away from me makes me feel worthless that im not good enough for anyone in this world.

I see a councilor every month sometimes 2, she is trying to make me see a drug specialist or something.

I have been down the anti-depressant road, i went through so many brands they just ended me making me feel worse, i dunno whether its the methadone or everything going on

Im glad your daughter has two loving parents and you were able to give her the gift of life.. i hope you tell her often how special she is =)
Helpful - 0
949941 tn?1246120381
thanks for the response =). I dunno if you know how it feels to walk around on empty all day when life has no meaning left. But i will let u know what happens
Helpful - 0
199177 tn?1490498534
IBKs post was great  getting off the methadone has to be done slowly but I have a feeling you will feel so much better in the long run.Right now you need to only worry about you .I know you care for your gf but you have to get your healthy.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
i was suicidle on methadone also, you will probably be depressed until you are clean off all drugs, thats just the way narcotics work, they want us dead! over dose, suicide, fatal car wrecks, violence,,, anyway you look at it the ends are always the same....jails, institutions or death
i wish i had some kind of uplifting speach i could type that would change the way you feel right now, i guess the only thing i can suggest is to try na, i have been clean for a while as a result of this program'
i still get depressed, and over whelmed, sometimes i have cravings, but with na i have managed to make it past all that, even been through chemo, unemployment, problems with my oldest son, na has taught me how to live without drugs, drugs were the answer to all my problems, if i was depressed i took a pill, if i was craving opiates i took a matinece drug, if i was tired i took a diet pill, just a constant need for something to make me feel better, just to damnn interested in changing the way i feel, there is so much more to life than finding that pill to make me feel better, theres just no rest from the search for a chemical peace of mind
ok, i am going on and not making any sense, bottom line, get clean and i promise some of that depression will ease up with time
wish you the best
xo
Helpful - 0
271792 tn?1334979657
WOW. You have so much going on that I barely know where to start.

First off, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and never the answer. So let's not even address that.

You are all over the place. You are dealing with your addiction, your emotions, your relationships, past and present, and I am sure there is more to throw in the pot.

You need to stop. Sit down and prioritize your life. Make a list if that will help, and I think it will.

First and foremost is YOU and your addiction. If you want to taper off the Methadone, then focus on that. I totally understand the doctor not wanting to take you from 27.5 mgs to 5 mgs. You are going to feel like you ran into a brick wall at 60 miles an hour. That is NOT a taper. You need to listen to the doctor, especially since you are leaving the country. Have you made plans to get your medications once you are there? These are important steps you need to make before leaving.

As far as your relationship...you need to let it go for now. If it is going to work, then it will when you get your life together and when she gets her life together. But not now. Neither of you are ready.

Please, get counseling that you so need right now and work with your doctor on a proper plan.

You know many people here think I am hard core and I hand out "tough love". It is true, I do because nobody held my hand to get where I am today and I not much ahead of you....I only have today because today I decided to stay clean. What people don't know is that my heart breaks for people I meet here that are struggling and I so want to jump through the computer and fix everything, but I can't. I often sit and cry when I read a post, and this is one of them.

I pray for you and hope that everything falls into place for you. Best of luck and I hope to see you keep posting.
Helpful - 0
614557 tn?1243708351
Nobody is going to convince you to stop living in this way except you.It looks as though you blame yourself for many wrongs when in actuality- the decisions others make are THEIR decisions.You were told that the abortion was because of your habit, yet she could have just as well went on to have the baby without you temporarily. Do not blame yourself. I had a child, I alone- no family help, and the father was using drugs and nowhere to be found, but I did it and now she is 14 years old, doing well and her Dad got his life in order and sees her every weekend. It was her choice and you cannot take the blame for it.
You seriously need to be back on the anti-depressants to get healthy emotionally, get some counseling, start meeting new people.Isolation can kill the spirit.Don't let this pull you down, rise up and start thinking about what you want from life!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hey Crying suicide is never the answer! Someone does love you and will miss you terribly!
I am fairly new to this site but it has the most wonderful, kind, very knowledgeable  and support people here.
On the health pages here down on the right hand cornor towards the bottom the have articles on PAWS Post Acute Withdrawl Symptoms that talks about depression from our addictions.  Read up on these if you haven't already.
If you are still having thoughts of hurting yourself PLEASE PLEASE  go to the ER they have too help you.
You are in my prayers and I am rooting for ya. Depression is very hard but it can be over come. Read people's posts who have made it they are very inspiriring.
Let me know how you make out.
Awakened

Helpful - 0
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