Tramadol is going to kill me

[RainingConfusion]

I have to stop this. I am a chronic pain patient. Have access to anything from morphine, percocet, most recently Belladonna/Opium and pure oxycodone. nothing I take compares to my drug of choice for the past 3 years.. that evil little white pill, Tramadol

I am not a " high" type person. never enjoyed the stoned feeling. I have extreme lethargy from several chronic diseases and when I found this little speed pill that gave me super energy and feeling like a normal person again , I was hooked.  I was able to get out of bed and have strength, clean my house , go out with my kids, be a normal mom again.

So here I am now , and have been for awhile now, desperately trying to make it until my next script, doctor shopping, E.R. visits just for the purpose of getting more tramadol because my pain managment doctor would cut me off if they knew id taken 150 tablets in a week ... Thats my usual now...  its always been 4 at a time , at least 12 per day,  but for the past year its usually 15-20 per day.  

Ive tried to w/d on my own... its literal hell and I cannot take it. Ive used other drugs to replace tramadol ( vicodin, norco etc)  and ive sucessfully done it , but I always go back to tramadol, only because of the energy it gives me.  If I didnt suffer from debilitating fatigue, I wouldnt have ever started this junk. All I wanted  was to be pain free and have a normal energy level. I once had ambition, I could do anything, Now , there are only 3 magic words I wait to hear, " your prescriptions ready"

Ive conned so many doctors, pharmacies, some at the same time... anything to get that pill that controls my life. Im so tired of being slave to a drug that is destroying my body.  its exhausting...  literally scared to look at my bottle, in case its getting low... then the anxiety sets in ," ok I have to start figuring out how to get another script before that runs out."  Im running out of options....  and Im just TIRED.

and to top it all off , last week, I swore I would stop again ... BUT I NEED energy, because I DO suffer from chronic fatigue and I conned some Adderall....  I took the whole bottle of 40 in 3 days.

Thats when I realize , nothing is going to work , because , I AM AN ADDICT. thats the reality. I think it really set it when I was researching on google "  how to call in your own prescriptions" AND I almost went through with it. If I had I probably would have been arrested.

So the question----   HOW do I stop this? Ive been trying to drag myself to the rehab clinic for methadone/suboxone.... I cant be chained to a methadone clinic... just wont work for me . and im scared that subuxone wont give me the energy I need. SO im literally terrified that I will move onto adderall , no matter if I do manage to quit the tram....

I need help

[jugglin]

Welcome to MH....lots of compassionate, supportive, knowledgeable folks here.  First and foremost, we need to cut our sources when we are ready to be clean.  For you, this is a long, honest, open discussion with your Dr.  Your Dr. knows your medical history and can work with you figuring out non-addictive meds to help with your illness's.  Your Dr may also be able to refer you to an in-patient program.  The qty of pills you are taking is pretty high...I had to reread those amounts.  Quitting CT is gonna be really rough.  IMO, you need to talk to your Dr asap....if you are truly wanting to get clean and break your chains of addiction and get off the roller-coaster ride of pill chasing, then the last thing you need to be worried about is your pain management Dr cutting you off by finding out you are abusing.  
Somebody with your medical history should talk to your Dr.
Wishing you the very best and sending you prayers!
Keep posting for support. You can do this.:)

[RainingConfusion]

So I'm fighting nausea and a feeling that I know all to well.  I feel like I'm about to freak out. Anxiety is miserable.  I called the only treatment center around and they said it will be 2 weeks before I could start if I want methadone , their suboxone program is full. Anxiety is even worse now  because I was expecting to be able to go there in the morning and get help      I feel like crawling to the ER    

[Cricketk92]

Hi and Welcome!  Isnt it amazing how many people can relate to your story!!!  My drug of choice wasnt tramadol but I can relate to all the other addict behaviors you posted about!  Detox isnt easy and with all your medical issues it will really S**K!  But getting off of them is so much better than ending up in jail or dead!!!  If you can get into treatment that would be such a great option for you!  You just need to find a way to get off the trams without effecting all your other meds and medical problems!  We are all here for you and will help however we can!!!  Keep on posting!!

[atthebeach]

Opiates produce more pain when used long term
Hyperalgesia -- opiate induced pain.

[refills]

Wow, the chronic pain you have. BTW, Welcome to the community, great choice to "get your life back." Without question you have enough problems to warrant pain control meds, but is that anyway to walk through life? I'll answer for myself. NO! The energy you feel from Tramadol is false energy. Your high. No doubt your doing more harm than good. You need counseling more than pills. Change doctors asap.There is a better life out there. Your not as trapped as it may appear. You've stopped other meds, so we know you can do it. Talk to you soon. Good Luck. If you want it, you can do it!....ike

[RainingConfusion]

Thank you ALL for your responses! I cant say how thankful  Iam to have people that understand! ive been off tramadol for 4 days and been taking my usual lopermide combo to fight off withdrawl. Now I have a migraine and i can hardly open my eyes. I stopped my Topamax a few weeks ago and they come back like clockwork. SO of course my neurologist wants me to go pick up his script for Percocet. Lovely...  I mean that half sarcastically.

Well , the reason im so tired is that I have fibromyalgia, systemic lupus and a rare blood clotting disorder, along with a bladder disease that ive had 3 surgeries for in the past year, including bilateral sacral nerve implants. Im on coumadin for life, along with 8 other meds that arent narcotics.

im seeing a new rheumatologist to try and get help with the fatigue and weakness and have another EMG tomorrow to see whats wrong with my nerves/muscles. Probably looking at another diagnosis... nothing new for me.

This is how  I have rationalized my drug use. " My doctors say I need it"

I tell myself its about quality of life now. and I will do whatever I have to do to feel good. To have a normal energy level. When im taking tramadol , you wouldnt even know im sick. My doctors words were always music to my ears... " You need lifetime pain managment"  Im 30 years old now.... I would give 10 years of my life to feel normal without meds.

Im glad that someone said that what im feeling/doing, is typical addict behavior, IT jus reinforces what I KNOW to be true. Even though I tell myself ( even yesterday) that its not that bad.. that Im functioning, I take care of my kids,  I pay my bills , and am not out doing illegal drugs..

I woke up this morning with every intention of going to the outpatient detox/rehab clinic. I just couldnt get out of bed. I know I have to go . I have to do something.

Methadone  maintenance would be perfect IF I didnt have to go everyday. It solves the pain management issue as well.. But it may interact with all my other meds anyway. Im on 2 anticonvulsants , zoloft for nerve pain, coumadin for my blood issue, valium for muscle spasms ( low dose and I hardly ever take it) , baclofen for muscle/joint pain, and more that I cant think of the name right now.

I know I have addict tendencies, even without all the medical problems. Its a perfect storm.