Trying again for about the 50th time.

[Norcodude39]

One day clean and withdrawls suck. Thought Id come back to this group because it always helped me in the past. I just need to do different things this time. Cut off my doctor and deleted phone numbers. I know its going to be hard but I think I deserve a happy life finally. I think God wants me to be happy finally.

[Jenny9906]

I totally understand, I'm going through withdrawals right now pretty bad, haven't slept in 3 nights...I'm so wiped out, but trying to hang in.  Just wanted to say hi and hang in there...withdrawal totally blows, but we can do this!

[Pat1956100]

Hi there,
I do remember you.  I am so sorry you have been struggling but glad you decided to give it another whirl.  
I don't have any wise advice for you but just wanted to congratulate you for trying again.
Good luck and as you know keep posting.  It really helps.

[katmandu516]

Of course God wants you to be happy. Just keep praying a lot. I did. I didn't know who else to turn to, so I prayed to my God. I know what you are going through. I am  an opiate addict myself. The first week is the worst. Maybe 2 weeks until you start seeing clearer. Just telling it like it is.  We all here at Medhelp have gone through these w/d's, mostly cold turkey, some tapered off. But I went cold turkey after 3 years of pills, pills, pills. I know it really s__cks right now, but it WILL get better. I promise. Try the Epsom salt baths for the rls. Really helped me. Write back and let us know how you are feeling. YOU CAN DO THIS!! God Bless you...he will ya know..

[BluCrystal]

Great news!  Whether it is your first try or your 100th, THIS could be the time that it actually 'sticks'!  Keep your chin up, look for God's choices for you, and you will do well!  Blessings - Blu

[Kbusymom]

Congrats on cutting your sources; that is awesome!!  I continued to relapse until I cut mine.  It's too easy to relapse when we can still get pills.
God definitely wants us to be happy; we deserve more than a life of chasing pills and being miserable.
Hang in there through the WD; I chose to view all the pain as steps getting me closer  to freedom.  The Epsom salt baths, immodium, ibuprofen, bananas and EmergenC helped me a lot.  Good luck and keep sharing.

[Sonrissa]

Hey Norcodude!  I also remember you. I'm happy to see you back, although is wish it were under better circumstances.  Not only do you deserve to be happy, but you deserve to be free. Free of the chains that bind us to our drugs. Time to cut them off, and walk free! You can do this. Don't ever just give up. We are here to walk with you. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing!

[clean_in_ks]

Welcome back Norcodude!!!   It's really good to see your return!   Shall we call you Norcodude40 now?   LOL

Your realization that you need to do it different this time is the most important thing of all.  If we don't put up ALL the roadblocks to insure our success, as addicts we're pretty much guaranteed to head on down that old road sooner or later.  I'm so glad you cut your sources this time.  If I remember right, you are comfortable in AA/NA meetings and they have helped you immensely in the past when you were willing to regularly attend, right?  And do you have someone that you can talk to....can call when you need to?  Someone that can nudge you, listen to you, support you and hold you accountable?

This can be the best Christmas present you could ever give yourself....and maybe you can prioritize returning to the gym, too.  That used to be such a source of pleasure for you.  (not to mention all the natural endogenous morphine/endorphins you'll be producing!)
Go get em, Norcodude!!  We're here with ya all the way~

[Norcodude39]

Thank you all for the support everyone. I know how hard this is. Ive been through it many times. Not sleeping at all is killing me and just the feeling of hopelessness and anxiety. There is a lot of strong people out there. Ive had clean time before but things are just so outta control in my life theres nothing else I want to do than take pills and I hate it. It takes me such a long time to feel better I dont know how I got this way but I have to beat it and have a life because the shell of a life im living now is horrible. thanks for all your encouragement. It means the world to me. I do have one person im talking to but they are busy with life and cant talk much. I just wish I could sleep Ive tried everything uggghhh this really sux.

[Pat1956100]

Yes it's crazy how it messes up your sleep.  I thought I was going to go crazy after 50 hours or so of being awake.  I didn't though.  Or maybe I did, lol.

You know the pills are contributing to your hopeless feelings.  That is what they create.  They really can mess up your life and they do just stop working and then we are just taking them to feel relatively "normal".  
Hang in there.  It will get better.

[spider6]

Hey there "dude", glad to see you found your way back.  I'm sorry you are feeling so bad.  But as you said, you've been through this before so you know what to expect.  Ya, but it still s*cks right?  

The sleep thing is a hard one.  I found that if I could just get my body to tire out, I had a chance at a couple of hours maybe.  Can you get some exercise?  Or just move, walk, walk around your house if that's all you can do.  Stairs, up and down.  I keep my mind off my mind by concentrating
on my movement, at least til you're ready to deal with the mind.

Hopelessness.......try to remember this too is a reaction to a dying drug trying to get life back FROM YOU.  This will pass as well but of course that involves playing mistress to time .  F*ckin time!!  Ughhhhh, it's all relative eh?

Cutting all sources was the only way I could do this.  I have relapsed for reals........more than 50 times to be sure!   ......yes each time was more horrific trying to get off.  I keep reminding myself of that too.  

You know you can do this.........keep your eyes on the prize, literally if that's what it takes...... Make a list of all the reasons you should fight this then put it somewhere where you can see it when you are feeling especially bad.

Keep close and keep posting.....we're all behind ya!
Peace, hope and strength.
Hugs, Spider.

[Jenny9906]

I hear ya on the sleep...I seriously haven't slept at all for the last 4 nights. I'm SO weak and exhausted.  I've been through this before and it takes me a long time to feel better too.  I'm just trying to tell myself, that I deserve a life without all the pills...and that I didn't like the person I was becoming on the pills either. Hang in there, you're not alone in feeling like crap.

[Kbusymom]

Sleep, or lack of, is a big complaint around here.  Sometimes I'm able to just roll with it and read in the middle of the night and sometimes I get super frustrated.  
Time is the only answer, and like Spider said, f***** time.  It stinks, but we have to give our bodies and our brains time to heal.  We didn't get to where we are overnight and we won't heal overnight.
Patience is not one of my virtues; I want what I want when I want it, so waiting is super hard!!

[Norcodude39]

Thanks everyone for all their input I didnt sleep for the first two days a few hours on day 3 and today is day 4 and I just woke up after sleeping for almost 10 hours. So far I feel good this morning but we will see what the day has in store still getting chills and sweats but I know this is a journey and it doesnt happen over night. Ive had a couple of months clean before a couple times and go right back to these pills. I have such a love hate relationship with them. Im talking to a friend whom I met on here and they are helping me. I plan on going back to meetings in the next few days I just wanted to wait until the initial withdrawls went away for a bit. i want to thank everyone on here for posting and helping me I read and reread them and what also helps is knowing im not going through this alone. Of course I feel totally alone right now but Ive hid it from eveeryone my family has no clue. I need to get a better job a better circle of friends and start meetings again thats what helped me in the past with my alcohol issues wich i have 6 years clean from. I seem to find something to replace the feeling and just need to give in and surrender. Of course I talk a great game and have been here before many times but it took me 3 years to stop alcohol and that was six years ago i started the pills 4 years ago and knew on that first one that they would be a problem because it felt so good. Ive dealt with many issues in my life and have horror stories to tell but Ive gotton through them and will get through this. The one different thing Im going to try to do this time is stay in contact with people in the program whom Ive become friends with and always have been there for me.

[Kbusymom]

I've done the same thing; made it a couple of months and then went back to the pills.  This time is different because I have no sources.  Also, the pills turned on me and my hard headed self finally realized this.  What once felt so good stopped working- I became depressed, insecure (super insecure about myself), and paranoid.  I was also miserable due to the isolation of it all; I didn't want to do anything or be around anyone.  I was dead on the inside.  
I think we have to focus on the negative things they did to us; if I focus on the positive I end up romanticizing them and finding an excuse to use.
Hang in there; you can do it.

[Norcodude39]

I totally agree with what you have said. Everytime I relapse Its because I talk myself into saying it wont be so bad this time I wont take as many as I was taking before. I was also scared and paranoid and depressed but I did totally isolate and wouldnt talk to anyone for days id leave work early try to do as little as possible. Id always keep some in my pocket just in case and i would take them throughout the day. I thought I was in control but i was only fooling myself they had total control over me and im feeling better now on day 5 but just woke up after sleeping for only a few hours. Everytime someone responds I feel a connection with them and  what they have to say so Im always looking for replys so thank you so much for all your words of wisdom. Will people pray for me please I really need it? Ill pray for you all on here. All I want is my old life back the sober life I had before pills. I had a great job a great relationship friends and most of the people I hung out with were friends I met through AA. To this day I cant believe how long I abused them for and how they made me feel at first and how I chased it and the amounts I took. Mainly 10 10/325s a day sometimes more sometimes less. They would mask my pain but they also masked my life and my ambition. Im really praying I get through this I hate this ball and chain strapped around my leg. I weaned so It has been quite a while since Ive felt high at all but it wasnt even a high feeling anymore just a normal feeling and i wouldnt do anything unless I had enough pills to take with me for whatever I did. I want to thank everyone for everything they say. and every post written on here thank you all for careing!!!!

[brandiroars386]

You do deserve better and God will see you through.  Everyone deserves happiness in life, each and everyone of us.  Im glad to hear you say your changing it up this time, because we can no longer do the same things and expect different results.  It seems lack of sleep is suffered by pretty much everyone here too, but unfortunately its something we have to go through.  Take pride in what your doing, you have seen the other side of this monster and know how it feels to be free.  Don't let it call you back this time.  Have faith that you can do it.  Good luck with this journey to freedom.  Sending prayers your way.

[Jenny9906]

I can SO relate to what you are saying. I want my life back too.  My DOC is the 10/325's too...and when I quit cold turkey 7 days ago, I was taking between 10-15 of them a day. I too wasn't even getting the high and happy feeling that I got when I first started taking them...it was more like I was taking them just so I could function normally and get more things done. But now looking back on it with more of a clear head, I'm wondering if I was ACTUALLY even getting more stuff done! Or if I just thought I was. I have anxiety and depression issues before the pill problem and I take antidepressants for that, I feel that they are really helping me mentally right now. I'm not sure about your history, but for me, I got hooked on the pills to mask a lot of my depression issues, which is not a cure whatsoever! Maybe if you have some depression issues you could benefit from maybe talking to your dr about starting an antidepressant? Just an idea for ya :) hang in there, you're doing great!

[Norcodude39]

Hey Jenny I have been on 200mgs of zoloft for about 12 years now and it has saved my life I think. I have had bad depression and anxiety with it. And it has helped me soo much. but these damn pills are just killing me Im on day 5 and I felt ok yesterday but today is just horrible I slept about 2-3 hours last night and If I dont get my sleep Im useless and I get bad anxiety and depression. Thank you so much for rrsponding everyone on here is so nice!!! Imm shaking as I type this today.. Ugghhhhh

[Sonrissa]

Hang in there Norcodude. You know that you should be feeling better soon. Get yourself up and outside if you can. You are in my prayers. I'm praying that this will be the last time you have to experience this. Are you going back to AA? I know that will help you. Take care, we are here for you!

[Jenny9906]

I'm SO sorry!! I have the depression/anxiety thing too...I honestly can't even imagine where I would be right now if it weren't for antidepressant meds! That's really good that you are taking something...it might help some of the depression issues related to the withdrawals, at least that's what I'm hoping! :) I take 20mgs of lexapro and 300mgs of wellbutrin. I actually have a severe allergic reaction to Zoloft...it was the first med they tried for me, and I ended up in the ER with a burning bright red rash all over my body and couldn't breathe...awesome. Lol! I'm really glad that it has helped you though, some people are so reluctant to take antidepressants! Anyways, yeah...the sleep thing is super rough.  I'm on day 7 today...and FinALLY got a decent nights sleep last night.  Maybe that will happen for you soon too! :)  I was really shaky for a few days too...but today has been better, maybe because the sleep. Hang in there...you are doing really awesome!

[kyle505]

You've gotten alot of support so far, but me being me, I've got to ask a few questions about things that don't seem to be talked about much.
Where are you getting your pills? A doctor, a dealer? And although you've been around the block a couple of times, you know as well as I that you will relapse again (and again) unless you do something different this time.
Just saying that you want your life back will not work; coming to this forum will not work; and no matter how much support you get, if you have a source for med, you will use again.
I failed for over 15 years; in January of 2014 I'll be 2 years clean. And I'm at this point because I stopped lying to myself; stopped listening to the BS that my addict's brain was spewing. I told my doctor that I'm an addict. I told my family. I cut ALL my sources, and I went to aftercare - got a sponsor.
I believe that all three steps are very important, and if you leave one out you will eventually relapse. So, what are you doing different this time?
K

[VICourageous]

SO TRUE KYLE..And as Life goes on You will find that YOU will need to still make some changes and come out with the truth to Many that will be in your path..I wish you the best!!!
Bless