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Trying to stay positive

I haven't been on here in about a week since I have joined. I have been too embarassed because I haven't been doing good at all.  Tomorrow is going to be a new day.  I am going to my best friend's apt. in another state for a week.  I have one subutex left which I might take a tiny piece tomorrow but that is it.  I don't really want to even take the sub, since I haven't taken it in a few days and I know how long the half life is.  I have been taking the roxi's instead, and I think it might be a little easier if I don't put any more subs in my body, but I don't know!!!  I know there has to be some subutex still coming out, since I been taking them for so long.  The last time I took one of those was about 3 days ago.  I realized I can't do anything at home so I figured to go away for a week will be really good.  It will be much easier because I told my family that I am just going to her house for a mini get away, so no one will be bothering me!  My best friend (Vanessa) is being really supportive too.  I told her everything I was going through, and she told me she will help me with whatever I need.  I told Vanessa that she just has to keep me positive, and motivate me.  To have her here for me is the best feeling.  I told her that when I feel horrible, and not wanting to do a thing, to try to get me outside for a walk, take a shower, etc.  I am really scared because at this time tomorrow I won't be feeling good, but I have done it before and could do it again.  Today was my last day of using and I can't wait to start new.  The thought of having to live my life like this makes me want to end my life, and I realize I want to do to many things in my future to end it.  I want so many things, and I know I am thinking too far ahead, but I can't wait to start my journey.  I have wasted so much time being a slave to these pills.  I just want this to be behind me, and I didn't even start yet.  I will try to get on here when I am at Vanessa's house, if I can get off of the couch.  Coming on here and joining this site, has been inspriational to me.  To see other people going through, or had gone through the same exact thing, it's amazing.  Anyone who has read this and wrote to me, I just want to say thank you so much!  I hope to get on here in a few days to tell everyone that I am now CLEAN!  Just one more question..I have very little money now to get the ingredients to the THOMAS recipe.  Can anyone tell me what I absolutely 100% SHOULD get, that is cheap, that will help me??  I wish I saved money to buy everything, but unfortunately I didn't.   Any help would be greatly appreciated!!  xoxo
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Avatar universal
Thank you Sonrissa, I really appreciate that.  The more I see all these kind words and support, the more confident I feel.  I just have to stay this strong and confident as I feel right now, the next few days.  It's so scary to know what is coming my way!  i HAVE to get through this!  All the best to you too :)
Helpful - 0
2083449 tn?1381354708
Dear Melissa, I just wanted to send you best wishes and prayers! You sound like you have the right attitude to get this done! Having a friend to help you and support you is a Godsend! I wish I had someone in my life like that! I think it's important to write down, as much as possible, your thoughts and feelings! I wish you the very best, and I have faith in you! Take care and please post! I will watch to see how it goes! You can do this!
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Avatar universal
Hey ashamed and thank you!  I just took my last pill, and I said goodbye to it (i know that sounds corny).  I am just so nervous, I can't stop thinking about it.  I did this last year, I was clean for about 3 weeks.  Feels like a million years ago now, but I know how much those hot showers/baths helped! My friend told me that water is included in her rent, so I can take as many as I would like!  I also have Clonidine (people have told me that it really helps).  Just trying to stay positive, because I know once I start having negative thoughts, it's all over for me.  I can't even sleep right now because I am so scared.  I am going to try to get on this site as much as I can.  I know I have said the same thing in every post I made so far, but this website truly is such a wonderful thing.  I wish I knew about it last year when I was trying to get clean, the support would have helped so much!  Thank you so much though for your wonderful words, and I hope more people can give me the strength and motivation!
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Avatar universal
Congrats on taking the first steps!  I am really rooting for you and hope you can get the time and space you need during this time, it sounds like you have a very good friend to help you through this.  sending prayers your way on your journey, only good things to come after these initial days you WILL start feeling better.  I know one thing that helped me alot was taking really really hot showers, they just seemed to help revitalize me even if it was for a short time.  I did take three or four day though:).  Take care and keep posting  everyone on here is so nice an so supportive.  
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