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Avatar universal

What can I expect now and what can I do?

Ok, yesterday was a long, emotional and difficult day. I took my daughter to rehab. Ok course I wanted to get on the road early since it is a 4 1/2 hour drive, but the God's were laughing at me again and that didn't happen. Of course she was panic stricken that she had to get her last fix before going in. Something is wrong with our medical system. Since she had come out of detox on Christmas Eve she was clean; before they would take her into rehab she had to be using. How ridiculous is that? They told her (and me so I know it is true) that she had to be actively using or the insurance would not cover her treatment. So this weekend she used; very disturbing to me. I have a hard time with irresponsible behavior and this to me was over the top. Anyway, she used and used more than once. As we were getting ready to leave my three dogs decided to take off as I was taking them out. So I was running through the neighborhood trying to catch my dogs, who were not listening in the least. Finally caught them, but not before two of them rolled in something disgusting. So I had to come home and give them a bath before I could put them in the house and leave. Finally, four hours later we got on the road. The trip was interesting. In some ways it was good; we didn't even have the radio on the majority of the way. We talked and mainly I listened. I must admit, it was difficult not to be judgemental and act like a mother when she started smoking pot on the way. I refused to let her engage me and although it was killing me, I didn't say a word and didn't get into an argument with her. I know she needs help. So we got there and I dropped her off. In the parking lot she got very bitchy; I am sure she was scared. I took her to intake and left like they told me I had to do. A few minutes later I got a call asking me to come back because she had forgotten her carton of cigarettes. So I turned around and took them back. About 50 minutes later I got a call from someone at the center asking me if I would be willing to talk to my daughter and encourage her because she wanted to leave. She had brought some magazines and a book and they wouldn't let her keep that or any of her electronics. I knew about the electronics and tried to tell her that but I didn't know about the books. So they called me back and we ended up having a very heated conversation about how it was ridiculous and they were Nazi's who wouldn't let her keep her books. She wanted to leave. Wanted me to turn around right then and there and pick her up. I told her that wasn't happening. She was refusing to do the paperwork. Finally we got her to commit to trying and at least going through the first few days. I have never been thru this before. Is this normal? How should I handle this? She was going on about hating this place and she isn't doing this......not getting up at 6 and working all day. I told her that this isn't a vacation; getting clean is hard work. She couldn't expect to lie by the pool and read books. She wants to go somewhere else where they will let her have books etc. I told her that all places are the same in that respect especially during detox. I know that if she can just get thru the first few days, she will be fine. How do I make that happen? I was thinking about it and if she calls today and wants to come home I am going to tell her that there is no way that I can come get her and that if she does leave, she isn't allowed to live here at home. I am going to tell her that if she really wants to go to another facility, then she needs to find one and work with the facilty to arrange a facility to facility transfer. I cannot go get her and take her somewhere else because if I do BC/BS will not pay for the second facility. Please let me know any suggestions or experiences that can help me get her thru this and help me remain strong enough to insist that she stay there. I am a fixer so it is really hard for me to not want to take care of her. I keep thinking that right now she doesn't need me to pull her close with a hug; she needs me to push her away so that she can grow stronger and deal with her deamons. That isn't to say that I am not being supportive; I just know that my love isn't enough to fix this.
18 Responses
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980052 tn?1262967079
Hi I'm so sorry for you to be going through this as it sounds like the same thing's I've put my mother through. I just want to let you know her reaction is completely normal every time I was in rehab (3 x's) when I first got there I would get frozen w/ fear and thought's and want to run out of there!!!! She is just looking for excuses to go back on her decision & it sounds like she is in the right place now esp. if she just got out xmas-eve. Stay strong I made the same phone call's to my mum the first few days being selfish & torturing her trying to make it her fault I was there, for the first time she was tough and did push me in the right direction even though I thought she was so mean to not understand!! (HA WHAT A JOKE) I am now over a year and a half clean from heroin after my hopefully last 30 day program in june 09. Please for her and you do not try and fix this for her and go get her at any cost!! This could save her life hopefully after she get's settled she will calm down and start to focus on why she is there and get some recovery! Good Luck to both of you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Stay strong, you are doing the right thing and can't enable her.  Be happy you know of her addiction and she is where she should be.  My addiction is still a secret so I have no one to turn to. She may not like you now, but one day she will thank you.
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1401949 tn?1296043724
I was wandering how everything went. Glad you got her there and all went well with the car ride. Its amazing how they will still push our rules to the very last!!! I understand she had to be using (heroin) What the hell was the weed for?? I am so happy for you getting her in rehab, hopefully it will stick!! Keep your back straight and dont let her drag you down. I figure after she has been there a couple days she will calm down. If she does leave you know what you are going to have to do! Hopefully she will stick it out and do this. Do not go pick her up. Dont find a new rehab, dont let her come home if she leaves.  Stick too it you are so close. I only wish and pray that someday I will be doing this with my daughter. I am here If you need me.
   Tee
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am tentatively optimistic. I didn't receive any further phone calls from my daughter. I called the nursing station in the morning to see if she had settled down. I asked them not to tell her that I had called. They told me that she had settled down and was fine and was currently in her focus group. I started to exhale...just a little bit. I am afraid to get my  hopes up too much. I have to tell you that when I came out of an office later in the day and had a missed call from the center, my heart stopped. However, after listening to the message, it was from the counselor and he was calling to set up some family therapy time and seeing how they could help me out thru this. I could hear my daughter in the background and she sounded good, laughing even. I am so thankful. I will continue to pray and work at keeping myself busy so that I don't dwell on things. But I am so happy that she is there and is getting help. I bought a journal yesterday. I already have one of my own, but I told her that I was going to keep a journal for her while she is gone. I think that it may be easier and less threatening to her to read about my feelings and different things throughout our lives. I asked her to do the same, but I don't know if she will. It's perfect, on the cover it says Learn from yesterday, live for today and hope for tomorrow. I think that those are important things, not just for her, but for all of us to remember.I know it isn't going to be easy, but I do feel we are at least taking steps in the right direction. The counselor was supposed to call back last night at 5 but I never heard from him. I would imagine I will hear from them sometime today. Thank you all for your support.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Am I just stupid looking for postiive things and looking for my beliefts to be confirmed. They say my daughter is being great, however, talking to me it was like she was talking to a much disliked older relative. She said she wanted tofind a new place. i don't know why becuse we really havent discussed this. I love her, but i am done being tortured and mainipulated. Maybe I did cause some of your problems. It wasn't for lack of love. We went with what we had a that time. I have never judged you, disrespected your or been afraid that you would realy take the wrong path. somewher along the way you went off course and everything got out of control.Where are you. I am here to protect you and I cant find you anyway. I just want my little girl. but I want her before she me MR. OXYCONTIN. I choose never to meet that ******* again in my life. I want a happy healthy life for my beautiful daughter, one that she deserves. Take care of her for me. I love you baby. MOM- Love you more.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
HI I really feel for you my daughter became a methamphetamine/crack addict at the age of 13 we went threw 3 rehabs countless conslors all differt kinds of meetings for out pacent
nothing worked until she wanted to get clean and that took a near fatal auto accedent
she spent the next 2 yr looked up in juvi but found recovery in there today she has been clean going on 6 yrs just be pacent  she is going to say things she really dont mean rehad consoling can get ugly but if she wants  to get clean its the best place she could be
I wish you  luck with this I know just how hard it is God bless.....Gnarly
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I guess that I was naive and thought that this roller coaster would stop while my daughter is in rehab. Not. They called yesterday and said she had a meltdown screaming and carrying on because she didn't like something that someone said in group. They said that an hour later she came and turned in her notebook like nothing had happened. They just wanted to confirm that I will be strong about not letting her come home. We talked about some things that I think are core behind her issues; not knowing her father being a big one. I also told them that I think that something happened to her when she was 15 because until then, no problems ever. It was like someone flipped a switch. I told them that I think that she got raped. They said that would be very consistent with her behavior and her anger. I wish whatever it is, she would talk about it so that it can get better.
Helpful - 0
1283286 tn?1312911966
They must be getting close to something..Right now it seems your daughter's mind is in overdrive to find a justification to say that this is not what she needs to get better..

Hang in there. It normally take a week until alot of folks settle some to that enviroment..
Helpful - 0
1416133 tn?1351123217
She's probably starting to experience all of the inevitable anger that comes with early withdrawal.  And please remember, when she figures it all out, she'll realize the real anger she has is with HERSELF not you.  She'll appreciate you more than you could ever know once she's found her way out.  It will happen just give it the time it deserves.  I'll be praying for you.  :)
Helpful - 0
1543547 tn?1298433360
Hang in there mom! You have done everything you can possibly do to help your daughter. Now she has to stand on her own two feet and decide if she wants to do this or not. You have given her the tools and put her in the best setting possible for her to begin recovery. I cant even begin to imagine what you must be feeling and thinking. You are a wonderful mother and im praying she makes the right choices. Keeping you both in my prayers.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
That you for all your support. It means more than you can know. I feel like my husband is just ignoring the fact of where she is; he never wants to talk about it. Today I realized that this is all really effecting me much more than I thought. I thought when she was in rehab I would have less to worry about. Unfortunately, I still worry. I am trying though. I am planning to go to the nar-anon meeting tonight. I have to motivate myself to get up and go. It is cold and it is so much easier just to stay at home. My friends say I am hiding away and not letting them help. I guess that is my way of dealing with it. I find that when I am out somewhere I feel like they all have everything so together and my family is a mess. Sometimes I am just overcome with incredible feelings of sadness and just want to cry. I sent her a package today; she needed some warmer clothes since it has gotten really cold. I also found a necklace that had a symbol for stregnth so I sent her that to. I miss her, but I don't miss the drama.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Ok I am losing it. I just got a call from the place where my daughter was, and she signed herself out. I don't know what to do. They dropped her off without any money at a homeless shelter. After I talked to them they gave her the money in her account and she is taking a bus back. I refused to go get her. I am not sure whether I am coming or going.
Helpful - 0
271792 tn?1334979657
Hi, this is the first I saw of your post so I read through it a little fast, forgive me if I missed something or I am repeating what others have said.

As addicts, we defy authority and hate being told what to do or how to act. With your daughter it was obvious from the time she arrived at the center. They told her that she couldn't have her own reading material and she was ready to leave. The reason that they do that is that they want her to read "recovery" material and they don't want her focusing on things outside of that, or focusing on the world outside of the center, not in the beginning anyway. That is a simple rule and there for her benefit. If she cannot get humble and understand that, she may not be ready to get clean.

Any addict that has some time will tell you that they had to hit bottom to get clean. Everyone's bottom is different and some have more than one. Maybe your daughter was forced into her bottom instead of finding it herself. If so, again, she may not be ready.

I hear in your voice how much you are hurting and I hear your anger. You may not be the one to help her right now, you may be too close and it may be too personal. She might need to hit that bottom again.

The best you can do for her is be there, but not enable her---big difference. Have you looked into a support group for yourself so you can learn about the disease of addiction and be with other parents who understand what you are going through? Al-Anon is a great place to do that and I think would be helpful for you.

And, of course, you can always post here. I will say a prayer for the both of you.
Helpful - 0
1543547 tn?1298433360
Oh mom im so sorry to hear she left. The feelings and worry you must be going thru are overwhelming. Speaking as an addict all i can say is shes not ready to quit. She has to be ready and really want to stop. Unfortunately nothing anybody says or does will matter to her until shes ready. I know how heartbreaking this must be for you. I am keeping you and her in my prayers.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Wow....you are a wonderful mom! I have a wonderful mom too, but if she were to ever no about my addiction i know she would be too weak to give me tough love like you are. You are such a caring mom it makes me want to cry! lol. You are so doing the right thing, you can't baby her. I'm wondering how old your daughter is? I know that someday she will understand your actions, she is sick with a disease right now she is not your daughter at this moment, you have to stay strong to get the real girl back. You are doing the right thing by not getting her. I'm praying for you, God will help you through this!
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Avatar universal
My daughter is 20. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to go thru in my life. I couldn't go get her. I told her that I wouldn't and I couldn't go back on my word or she would never believe anything and would never think that I said ever again. I wish this was all a bad dream. I keep praying and hoping. I appreciate the support and prayers.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You are doing the right thing. You have to put your foot down otherwise you will just be enabling her if you go pick her up. Am an addict and my Mom has been through the same stuff you are going through right now. My Mom came and picked me up from rehab because I didn't want to be there and was using within 24 hours. One thing that my Mom would tell you is that you can try to do everything in the world to get her to stop but at the end of the day nothing is going to change unless she wants to. Until then, you need to step back. Be there as a support but anything more will just result in disappointment for you. She will get there eventually. It is especially hard for Moms! You would think that seeing our Mother's go through so much pain and anguish would be enough to make us stop, but the disease is so incredibly powerful, it is not... just know that it takes time to recover and this is just part of the journey. There is light at the end of the tunnel I promise.
Helpful - 0
1401949 tn?1296043724
I am so sorry to hear this, that shows she is not ready, it is now time for you to detatch with love. When she gets back where is she going to live? If it is at your house you need to set up some strict boundries! If she tests any of your rules she is out! You can't keep destroying yourself, she is an adult and has made her choice! All the love in the world will not get her clean. My prayers go out to you and your family. God Bless. I am here if you need me.  Tee
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