What do you do?

[Katrina81]

Ok guys I would like some feedback from as many of you wonderful folks as possible. What keeps you going on the road to sobriety? Whats your inspiration? Your goals? Your motivation? Thanks in advance for sharing!

[rligh09]

I am not living my days in a constant panic of where is the next batch of pills coming from. My husband is not on the phone everynight searching, he is with us watching tv or whatever. Keeping a pill habit going for two people was aweful there was never enough. I am excited to have money eventually when my husband finds a job. Its getting rough here and witht he weather work is slim but it should pick back up in the spring. We are living off of my pay which is 250 a week for 6 of us. But we are doing it becasue the money is not going to the drug dealer. I like laughing again, and seeing a light in my husbands eyes again, they were so dim for awhile as Im sure mine were. We are at the two month mark and we feel good. Still tired, but dam the sun hasnt shined here in about a month so its probably the winter blues really and the single digit temps. I look forward to going to the pool this summer witht he kids and not having to leave at 3 because I need something I can stay allllll day and I plan to!!

[swflafun]

Katrina - Very simple for me: I am ALIVE again. Been dead for 26 years and didn't even know it. The world is so lovely, the smells, the tastes...anything and everything you could possibly imagine, without using. To be straight and face the day, regardless of the problems I may encounter and handle them without having to sneek off and use to be "right in the head"....I know what right in the head is now and dope sure wasn't it. Made me a walking zombie and I am so very thankful for another chance to live life to its fullest.

All the best, STAY TOUGH.

Gary

[magnoliaooo]

I forgot to say Congrats on 30 days, that is so great and I always enjoy your posts!! I am so grateful to this website because this is a hard road to bear!!!!! When I read on here I find so many people struggling with the same feelings as me and it gives me hope that I will continue to make it. I thank everyone who shares their experiences with all of us!!!! We can do this!!!

                                                                              Mag

[Crys833]

Going to bed at night and not having to wonder if I'll wake up, being sober for my kids, looking much healthier, not tired all the time with false energy, not panicking when pills are getting low, not worrying about wd's, cause I been there, done that and NEVER goin back! lol. Those things and so many more are all reason's I'm never going back to pills. It's not worth the short lived high.

[Katrina81]

Mag thats a great post and so true! The eyes are the window to the soul. Thanks 4 sharing!

[magnoliaooo]

This post really hit home with me. I am just now approaching the 2 month mark and honestly it is harder than I expected. Active addiction was really killing me little by little. The pills were robbing me of everything in my life most of all my health. The one thing that keeps me going is going to sound crazy but it is my eyes. When I was in active addiction my eyes told the story, they were sad, they were glassy and my pupils were always small. I really hated my eyes because I could see all of my destruction in them. You could see all of my sadness in my eyes. Now approaching 2 months I do battle with the fatique but I get alot of joy because I can actually look in my eyes now. They are clear, bright, and they look happy. Sometimes when I am driving and I look in the rear view mirror and I glance at my eyes I get a twinge of happiness, I have a long way to go but I am grateful to be here. I know this is a small thing but I hated to look in my eyes before because they told the story of the insanity of my disease

                                                                Mag

[Katrina81]

Laurel ur post struck me the hardest. I felt exactly like u did at the end. Just no will to live. Very scary. Didnt care if i lived or died. I never want to be there again. I am 33 days clean today. The thoughts come and go. The intensity is beginning to lessen. Just have to keep going. Using is just not an option.

[laurel453]

I want to live, Katrina... i am sick and i want to live.

I know that active addiction was killing me , slowly at first and faster with time, i hit rock bottom mentally and i just didn't want to live ( this was my state of mind at the end of  my active addiction) and i felt my health was going downhill fast. I know now i can not take opiates because  i just can not control opiates, i have a disease and that's all i need to keep myself staying on track now. As gnarly said, this is my achievement and  nobody can do it but me, and i do it because i am sick but i want to live and i am fighting for my life. All the problems i may find and have found since quitting, can be solved without opiates, and if they can not be solved, ok, i can live with those problems. It doesn't mean that after quitting things are going to be easy but i am not making them worse by killing myself slowly with the pills . Yeah, i can not live while on active addiction because i was killing myself with the disease . Opiates are poison to me, they are not an option to me no matter how i feel or what happens to me, they are not an option. I understand  and accept this fact and big truth of myself.

Katrina, you may have a lot of thoughts but stick to the big truth of active addiction: we are killing ourselves with a disease that destroys the mind, the body, the soul and the spirit. We simply don't have any chance on active addiction. Things will get easier with time, the road may be hard but it is a healthy one. :)

[JES168]

im have not been clean for long but when i think i might relapse i think of my fiancee first. she has stood by me through so much over the past six years and i want to make her happy by being clean and actually being there.i also think of family that i have also kept away from because i was ashamed. living life, my pets, my artwork (that i want to get back into), so much more. not feeling withdrawal, not wasting anymore money or time,

[gnarly_1]

  I look at my sobriety as one of my greatest achievements....I spent the better part of my life high on something or another the last run was 16 1/2 yrs on opiates...I have live most of my life in a fog im 48 been off the booze weed and everything else recreational for 5yr 9mo I still lived in denile for a few more yrs was chasing back pain but was badly addicted to pain meds
now I got 465 days clean from that and for the first time is 16 1/2 yrs I can think clearly
I con honestly feel....I can truly feel the love my wife has offered up to me all these years
at a much deeper level.....I can look all my kids in the eye and say i am sober my kids are grown and remember me noding off during family gatherings I look at life as the precious gift from God that it is....life is so much more brilliant I can truly feel ones again both good and bad I now know what sorrow feel like again....my only regret is I doned do this sooner
......Gnarly    

[Katrina81]

Thanks for your responses guys. They are a huge help as I am trying to find the motivation to stay on the sober track

[LeaAnn807]

I think that, truth be known, the fear of going through WDs again keeps me motivated!  There are other things.  My gratitude list is a big motivator.  The ability to sleep normally and to get through things like holidays without pills are HUGE reasons to me to never go back.  My children and family enjoy me again, and I enjoy them back!!!  Simple things like going to the grocery store or a movie without having pills.  Being in a pharmacy without wondering who will see me or will they give me my pills early AGAIN???!!!  

Weird reasons huh?  I know, but those are the little things that keep me grounded and clean when I want to use!  My goals?  They are the same every single day.......stay clean til Midnight, Lord willing!  It just doesn't need to be more complicated than that for any of us!

My friends, family and mostly my two girls....MUST be the biggest motivators.  The rest is just gravy!!!!!!!!!! : )

[WantToBeNormalAgain]

The old me keeps me going. I'm almost at one year now, which I never thought would happen, and the old me is for sure almost 100% back. Don't get me wrong, I've got good days, bad days, horrible days, and everything in between, but the good days are now the rule and not the exception any more. I have more moments now when I"m actually in the moment, not surrounded by a million thoughts and anxiety and distractions. I am feeling. I am me. And I did it all be starting with the first step and crawling out of hell one tiny baby step at a time. A million setbacks later, and I"m here in now. I may not be in one piece yet, but I'm a humpty dumpty of sorts, broken and shattered from the inside out, slowly placing all the parts back. There's still going to be scars, but the real me will be there..

Believing that with each passing moment, I'm just a little bit further away from the torture that was the everyday life of an addict. Finding out who my true friends are, that keeps me going. Through this process we unfortunately hurt most people in our lives. Those who stick around for the crazy ride are the ones who will be around for a lifetime..that's worth sticking it out for. Obviously my precious little son who is so innocent and sweet and affectionate and who showed me what real love is, he's worth so much to me and sticking it out for him means paying him back for being the greatest thing I could ever wish for. He makes me laugh when I don't even want to smile. My wonderful husband is the same way. Now we are human, we have our knock down drag out fights, but nothing is worse than what we were going through this time last year.

I kept a journal through about a year or so of active addiction..and the wds that came with that. I am so happy I did this, as it is a clear reminder of what an awful disease this is. This is just about the only disease that we have the power to get over in our own hands. The choice is up to us, but it's a hard one to make and be ready for. The only thing I can say is that I've made it this far; to give up would be a travesty at this point. The fact that a year ago I doubted so much and thought it a fact that I would never make it to a year clean, is inspiration to keep going. If I were to give up now I don't know I'd make it back..it's not an option, and so I don't even consider it..why even entertain the thought?

Every day is a challenge. There's no magic quote or lyric that will give you instant clarity. As an addict, I know the need for instant gratification. I think that's why it's so very hard to get and stay clean...we look for it instantly. We think we should feel better in the first hours of being clean. We want it and we want it now! But it doesn't work that way. We just have to let time run it's course and know that with each hour, each day, things get better. We see clearly. We feel. And that's the goal: to just feel again.

I hope you find some inspiration and motivation to keep going. All I can say in addition to what I have already is that nothing is worth going through the torture of addiction. Not a 20 minute high, not a false sense of security or an alter personality. That's all false. That's not you. Get rid of the drugs and get to what you are at the truth of it all. Go back to the person everyone knows but misses. Go back to being you. Plain ole simple you..Best of luck in your sobriety, take care and keep going, it's so worth it!!!

[petroglyph54]

I'm just in it for the pain

[Punkinhead75]

Helping others.  There is a certain heartfelt joy that comes over me when I freely give of myself.  When I was drinking and drugging I didn't care much about other people.  When I did help other people I was so numb I couldn't feel any joy at all.  The happiness and serenity that I get today is far better than any high I got from using.  Today I get to be myself.  I no longer have to hide the real me.  I can be honest and secure.  Today I am blessed with a relationship with a Higher Power that allows me the freedom to just be.  Awesome question.  Thanks for asking.

[hiskidd]

Memories of the WDs, exercise, feeling legitimately better as I eat healthier, walk or jog on the treadmill, etc. Clearer mind. Not having the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Not worrying about kidneys or liver failing because I'm choosing to go that route. Openness with my wife about the pills, the WDs, the emotions. This website ;)

Mostly my faith and family though.

[vicki595]

For me, each day clean begets another. I NEVER want to go back to the burden of active addiction!  That's MY motivation.  I'm inspired everyday by things I used to overlook or take for granted. How awful is that?    I appreciate everything and I'm thankful every single day to wake up in the morning and actually know what day it is...let alone,my name.

From the very beginning of my particular journey,humor played a huge role and still does.
I love to laugh and have fun. I really had forgotten what a belly laugh was!  My 9 year old dog had NEVER heard me laugh out loud and the first time he did he howled hysterically!!
That's the kind of thing that keeps me "on the road". Simple stuff...

I,also,look better. That helps!!  Addicts aren't pretty even though we think we're gorgeous!!

This was a thoughtful post...It will be great to read what the "others" say...Thanks!

[throwindatowl]

I got 30 days TODAY! Theres so many things to stay on tract for. The sunshine,rain,lightning,hugs,laughing,crying,waking up with energy,SLEEP!,proving my doubters wrong,being a better dad-son-brother,eating,heathly skin,saving money,LESS anxiety,no wds,being a better friend,football,fishing, the list could go on and on. Dont mean to brag but Im so proud of myself for getting 30 AGAIN! Hey live and learn. I never gave up on me and never will. My goals, benching 300lbs, I only got ten pounds to go. Exercise has really helped me alot.