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518798 tn?1295212279

What is wrong with me?

I don't understand why I can't stop this. It isn't fun anymore but that evil little pill keeps taunting me and telling me how much better it would be. Today was day 4, that is until my niece needed me to take her top pick up her car. Before I knew it she had gotten a dozen tens.  I was doing great. No w/ds and no craving. So why did I let her talk me into it? H3ll I am a 42 year old woman, why didn't I just say NO! What really makes me sick is after we took them, I found out she had gotten a 14 year old to get them from her home.  I can't believe I stooped so low. I had no idea that is where she got them. She is turning a 14 year old into a dealer and I am a part of it. I literally feel ill.  I also heard that she made the girl take one so that she would never tell. She did that to have something to hold over this girl.

God please help me! Guys please pray for me. That was the last straw. I have a 13 year old daughter who loves to stay with her and babysit for her. Now, what is to stop her from giving it to my daughter?  I want a different life. Please pray for me!
14 Responses
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Avatar universal
We have all been in you shoes,i keep telling myself never again after rehab[lost count].I was pretty bad boy i keep looking back every time i would relasped.When my daughter finally relized what i was doing she start i did not give her first one but in the long run i did we would usetogether id supply she would supply and just kept going sad looking back and it makes me sick,good thing i have a supportive mom now i am suppotive to my daughter it feels so good being clean now she is off to rehab and boy it was hard knowing her using again ikept strong but after a few nights of her going out and not back home  11pm curfew i had to put my foot down and kick her out it really was hard to do i was just innabilling her.NO MORE
Helpful - 0
518798 tn?1295212279
Thank you guys, I needed to get back on here.  It has been way too long.  I guess I was so embarassed because I was always on my high horse about being clean for a year and then when I relapsed, I was ashamed.  This time I won't be so self-righteous.  
Helpful - 0
725350 tn?1318680468
One of the NA sayings is, stay away from old friends and old playgrounds, you can try to get them clean but they'll probably get you high first.

Addiction is a cunning enemy, it stays after us! While we're getting clean, its out in the parking lot doing pushups getting stronger for our weakest moment. The good thing is it is only 1 day at a time, we can always get right back in to recovery if we are willing. Aftercare is very important, hope you find what you're missing!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Welcome back lady. It sounds like you have finally surrendered and taken the steps now to stay clean. Telling your hubby must have been tough, but you did the right thing and it will hold you accountable. Work you recovery and keep posting here too. Congrats on your clean time:)
Helpful - 0
518798 tn?1295212279
I forgot to add that I finally came clean with my hubby.  He helps me and supports me so much.  I have been living in a fog for years and scared to tell him, but it all worked out beautifully.
Helpful - 0
518798 tn?1295212279
I was on about 30 lortab 10's a day.  Yes 30!  
I would rather not say where they were coming from but it wasn't from doctors.  I quit cold turkey one day.  Just had enough.  Haven't had anything since the week of valentine's day.   I had been clean a long time, then I relapsed,  
I was using to self-medicate/treat my biopolar that I was diagnosed with.  Just getting a diagnosis that told me what was wrong with me and had been for years
(bipolar)  made a world of difference.

I went to a behavioral unit and stayed a week.  I was finished detoxing and no craving.  I am now doing aftercare with a therapist.  Luckily my insurance pays for her.  This is the first time I ever followed through with aftercare, so I feel I will stay clean.  Also my nephew and neice split up (shes my neice by marriage) and I don't see her anymore.

It sure feels good to get that monkey off my back!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Key words come to mind.. MASTER MANIPULATOR...(your "niece")

You need to take care of yourself... and do it quickly...
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I just sent you a pm before I saw this post. Right now your letting your addiction control you, we all have before, but now it's time for you to get off this roller coaster ride and do something to change this, before it's too late. Not only are these pills making you sick, they are causing you a lot of guilt and doing things you know is wrong.

When we continue to fail, then it's time to get help. What are you willing to do lady so that you STAY clean? We are all here to support you, but you have to do the work, get rid of the people in your life that are toxic and work your recovery. You will see with some changes made and some clean time, things will improve. I watched one of my ex dealers feed cocaine to her young son and although it pissed me off, it didnt' stop me from using. Please please do something about this, you don't have to live like this. Remember-keeping it a secret, keeps us sick. Hang in there lady, we are here for you.
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
I meant your life is worth it.
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well she still needs to be kicked to the curb and turned in to the authorities.  Giving out pain meds to a child or anyone else is sick.  You dont owe her anything by doing this either.  She doesnt care about you.  All she cares about is her drug addiction.  Take the energy you put into using into your recovery.  We are very glad you are back lady but Your behavior has to change or there will come a time when it wont be just hydros.  You are worth it.          sara
Helpful - 0
518798 tn?1295212279
She is not actually my niece. she has been living with my nephew for years. she is 30 years old and has been addicted since she was 15.  she called me out of the blue in March and wanted us to get together. she knew nothing about my past or that i had been clean almost a year. she asked me one day if i had ever tried hydros and did i want one.  that was the biggest mistake of my life. It has been downhill ever since. She has been to rehab a couple of times for the hard stuff. I have never done anything but hydros. She knows ever drug dealer in a hundred mile radius.  

I kbow I am going to have to break away.  I just am glad to be back on here and hopefully with the support of you guys, I can do it for good this time.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I agree with both posters.. you need to kick her to the curb and make the changes in your life that only you can.. then I would add one and that is to be honest with your family and everyone that needs to know to protect your clean time better.. You have to be the difference.. lesa
Helpful - 0
401095 tn?1351391770
...u just have to make ur life a different life..if ur niece is toxic then u need to remove urself from her..does her mom know bout this?  how old is ur niece?  It can also be that ur toxic to ur niece..if ur sister or ur brother//whomever this kinship links to..they r gonna blame u for this cos u r 42..probably older than ur niece

we will pray for u..but u gotta take a hold on this..u have been posting for a long time...it is time to let go,,people lose family..and lots of other stuff over drugs...do u attend meetings?  or any type of aftercare?
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
When are you going to kick this niece to the curb?  She is turning a 14 yr old on to pills lady.......Come on girl....you can get out of this life you are leading.  You did it before and you can do it again.        sara
Helpful - 0
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495284 tn?1333894042
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