does it ever really go away?

[akitagurl12]

I feel like I am going to end up relasping.  I keep daydreaming about buying more pills.  I am on day 24, I don't know why this is happening.  I found a form of aftercare, I went yesterday.  I have felt pretty strong and determined about this whole thing pretty much since I quit.  But today I don't feel strong and I am honestly scared.  Is it wrong to admit that I miss the warm fuzzy feeling those pills used to give me, especially on a Monday mornig?  I kinda miss the excitement of getting a new batch too.  I feel so stupid for posting this though.  I am not really going to take any, I am way too embarassed to ask my supplier now, after I told him to back off and made a big deal during the first week.  But my question is this, is this ever going to really go away?  These cravings?  

[minn66]

On a bad pain day I think, oh, if I could just take a pill!  In the beginning, they did what they were supposed to do and I could make it through work with plenty of energy. Then I remember that in the end they weren't working and I was either going to have to take more or something stronger. For me, I don't really crave them per se, but I dream about them about once a week. I feel very unsettled the next morning. I think we tend to remember what was good and suppress the bad parts, not just with pills but in many aspects of our lives. A great example I saw in another thread is childbirth. Another is when you break up or get divorced. We recall the good part, but conveniently forget about the times the person lied or cheated. I think it is a built-in coping mechanism people have. I believe it gets better over time in terms of the craving, yet at the same time we still have to be diligent and know it for what it is. Being aware means that we can stop it before it becomes more than a thought or dream.

[Fireby29]

Thanks Akitagirl, you and I have a lot in common.  I too will probably always miss how the hydros made me feel, but I just gotta end this madness.....like you.  Good for you that you beat the craving, I did not a couple weeks ago.

Bryan

[akitagurl12]

That monster craving passed, and I am feeling ok again. What I was feeling earlier was nuts.  I was having what I think was a panic attack, my mind was consumed with wanting pills and the clock felt like it froze.  It was like every single cell in my body was crying for some pills.  It was really bad this time. Anyways,  I just want to suggest to people that when you are in a middle of one of those attacks, come on this site and post.  You might be surprised at how a few comments from people speaking the truth to you can help snap you out of that trance.  I am so grateful I didn't take any pills & for everyone here.  My work day is almost done now & even though I didn't accomplish much work today, at least I can say I didn't take any pills.

[pleasehelppregnant]

I'm on day 24 as well stay busy the cravings last as fast as they come. There have been days I have wanted to give up n just take something to get me moving but I've learned once I get moving the better off I am. Stay strong we gonna get through this I promise

[dominosarah]

Those pills are the devils candy and you gotta figure out a way to stop romancing them.  Have you ever written a goodbye letter to those pills?  Cravings will happen and they lessen with time but you always have to have your guard up as we never know when they will come.  Once the romance stops you are able to sort thru better.  Using is NOT an option here.  We dont use on any day that ends with "Y".

[Barbergirl80]

Were u only addicted to vicodin?

[akitagurl12]

Thank you again everyone.  I totally see what is triggering me right now.  I used to take vicodin right in the morning and went to the gym to work out and it made it more 'fun'.  I also have really been wanting to quit smoking cigarettes and in the past I used vicodin to get through the w/ds.  I want to change my life and I used to use the vicodin to do that.  I don't know how to do anything without them and it is so pathetic. You guys are right though.  If vicodin was so great, I wouldn't have been so desperate to quit.  

[Barbergirl80]

I dont think it ever goes away. As an addict its a daily battle and daily struggle. You gotta stay plugged into meetings along with other people living near you for help and support. Do u have a sponsor? If not, maybe look into getting one. Im only on day 5 of being clean and i know im sti facing a long narrow path. But we CAN beat this!! You are better than these damned pills. They ruin our bodies from the inside. Stay atraight my friend. We are all here to support you. Message me privately anytime if u ever wanna talk

[overeasy]

During the last 6 months or more I did not get any feeling of being high.  It just stopped the withdrawals from happening.  I was at the point where I started to pull away from everyone.  Remember the panic when you knew you were getting low, or fanatically searching the house for leftovers.  Does that sound like a good time to you?!?   I remind myself about how miserable a person I had become everytime my mind goes to that place.  I remind myself of these things everytime my back is hurting and I think just one and then I ask "How do you want to live your life?!!!"  and I scream- "I want to be happy!!!"

Find what motivates you and use it during the tough mental  times.  It helps.  

YOur in my thoughts friend-
overeasy

[IwillDoThis]

Hey there - this happens probably to most if not all of us.  I had some dreams a few weeks back about pills and I hated it but they will pop up here and there.  I also miss that fuzzy feeling but one of the other posters above was right - if that feeling remained a lot of us wouldn't be here.  

Could you get that feeling again?  sure but you know it wouldn't last, you know it would take more and more and more to get it again - one more reason that a journal is soooo helpful in these instances.  When you start romancing the pill you can read back and see the insanity of it, see where it led you before.

You are still in baby days so just remember when you feel like "this is it" - it isn't.  Just continue to grow and learn and understand that the emotional part of this is sooooo much stronger than many of us realize at first.  Continuing to fill your toolbox with stuff to help you make it through the cravings is really important.

Keep it up - you have come so far - I believe in you!

[akitagurl12]

thanks guys.  I know it wouldn't be worth it.  I have been here done that too many times to count.  It just really *****.

[Free2agoodhome]

I like what Pat said. if the drugs still worked like they used to i wouldnt be on this board, The Vics stopped working  the buzz is like 30 minutes at best then the next 5 hours trying to maintain it. its so not like it was when i first expereinced them.  The recall of those "high time" is very tempting..dont feel embarassed its part of recovery                                  

[Free2agoodhome]

hi, its called euphoric re-call ...i do it all the time, thats why i asked about the mental part in another post. I will miss the warm fuzzy feeling of well being, plugged into life, ready to face the day. without my DOC i feel empty with no direction, just want to lay down and waste away, please protect your clean date, sometimes when the world suxs all we have to go to bed with is our sober self,,,and thats a start,  

[Pat1956100]

I sure don't know the answer to that one but I know that I took 2 the other night and they made me feel sick.  I didn't get a buzz but they took away the panic attack I was having.  Now today I have a toothache and I am really struggling not to get more.  I think if you take a couple then it just makes the craving worse.  I reset my tracker and now I am back to day 2 clean.
I know it's not worth it. It's just so damn hard.