Why and How

[BeyondScrewed]

Why am I such an addict. I mean seriously outta control ridiculous. Yes I know I just answered my own question. I'm an addict. Plain and simple I guess......but the last time I had some real success with a taper, I was supposed to be on a 50mcg patch and 90mg of oxy. I had gotten down to 1/2 a patch, 20mg oxy and 20mg hydrocodone. The liwest id been in years. Was so proud of myself. My dealer called a few days later and I went running. I picked up 40 of the 30mg roxys. In a matter of 20 min, b4 I even left his house, I had smoked 3 30mg roxys and snorted 5 of them. Leaving 32.......which were gone by the end of the next day. I was so absolutley disgusted with myself. That's 1,200mg in 36 hours. 33.3mg per hour, EVERY dingle hour. Man......

So anyway, all the othr addicts I know like me are jobless, some afe homeless. They have kids but are tsrrible parents. I work 50-60 hours a week and am among the top 3,4 technicians in the area. I spend every possible spare minute with my son, and if I am nothing else, I am a damn good father.

I just don't understand. I will look at myself in the mirror, tell myself that this is so stupid. I can be feeling fine, no w/d's or nything. And still I will blow through a sick amkunt of pills.
And why do I keep smoking them?!?!?!?!?!?!

So I gotta go, gotta get to work. Just a really bad morning. Drove to work with tears in my eyrs causr I'm so tired, ashamed, sick, pissed etc etc etc. You all have become my best friends pretty much. Thank you all so much. 1 day I will succeed. And in the end I know I will have u to thank for it

[dominosarah]

When you realize that doing it your way isnt working things will start to look up for you. This is a "we" thing not an "i" thing.

[Ben727]

I made a post like yours about ten months before I actually went cold turkey. I asked "What was it that made you quit? Because I'm living this very successful life but I'm a stone cold addict." I got a lot of great responses. Some stuck with me more than others. One was: "I wish I could say I had an epiphany, but in the end, it was the money." Having spent between $150K and $200K in the last three years of my addiction, that hit home for me. Another was: "You may be highly functional, but how well equipped are you to handle a run of bad luck?" That one really got me. I needed to make a lot of money to support my habit. What if I got laid off and needed to cut back! I'd have to deal with withdrawl and a job hunt at the same time. If the wheels started coming off, would I be able to stop them? Or was a downward spiral my inevitable destiny?

You're a good father now? You'll be a better one clean. You're successful now? You'll be more successful clean. You have enough money for the habit? You'll have more than you know what to do with when you're clean. You love getting high? Sorry, that probably won't change. Pills are a cruel mistress, one that don't love you back the way you love them. Just look at how they treat you when you try to break it off. I decided I was better off without em, I hope you see that too...

[kyle505]

So you know what your head is doing...That's a start. Physical detox is nothing compared to the mental aspect of recovery.
You have to get to a point where what you have - family, a great job - is worth more to you than the drugs, because right now they're not. You continue to put the meds before your loved ones. I did. I've written about the years I've lost - years I wll NEVER see again. 15 years is a long time. How much longer will you wait? How many more years will you waste? Please - it's not worth it. Never will be.

[ImDONENoMore]

That's because your head isn't clear, that's why you feel like a giant *******.. and that's why aftercare is SO unbelievably important.  You need to figure out how you're going to cope with everything WITHOUT chemical help.  And that's where aftercare comes in.  You learn, you gain new tools on how to deal with difficult or emotional situations sober.

You aren't failing, beyond, you're just still learning.  We were all where you are right now in the beginning.  Every one of us.  So FIND that outlet for aftercare.. whatever suits you.  Therapy, meetings, your pastor, rabbi, whatever.  But find something.

[BeyondScrewed]

How do I stoo listening to the foolishness my head is feeding me? I would do nything to find that answer. :-( I kniw that I kniw everything that's just been said. I'm a smart person I really am. But lately, I just feel like a giant *******

[kyle505]

You are a functioning addict. I was too. But that's the issue - you are JUST functioning, not living. And I'd have to beg to differ - you are not a damn good father. You are too selfish; you are in the process of ruining your health, gambling with his future. What happens if you OD? What happens if you crash your car because you were using?
And top tech? That won't last. You know all this. You are no better than the addicts that are homeless, in safe houses. You are, for now, just luckier. When we use we all are headed down the same road. Some get there sooner than others. If you don't stop listening to the BS your head is feeding you, you'll get there sooner rather than later.
I do wish only the best for you. You deserve it. But you are playing a very foolish game right now.  You need to get real.

[cleanguy]

Wow... your post really shook me up for many reasons. I want to give you some of my thoughts. Im a president of a company, and ran it while on pills. I thought I was untouchable. Looking back now, i see i made some horrible moves that I would have never done sober. I got lucky.  You may think that you are one of the best, but know that you will be better when you are clean.

I can see now, the wake of destruction I've caused. Im in the process of repairing it, and it *****. Be aware, and I know you are, that these binges havebad coconsequences. I want you to succeed. Keep trying. But you need to get this done... for your family.

[otoh]

you said it !  Now that you've admitted your an addict, it's the beginning of the end... Lots of good post here. please just keep posting we'll inspire you to go foward. my thoughts are with you. you'll do this. lets just hope ... not to late.

[Brightfutureahead]

I hope you read and take in the advice that IBKleen, Sarah, and some of the other posters gave you...I held a great job too while using. No one ever knew...but it still sucked. I too spent insane amounts of $ on pills. But something wasn't right. Big time.

Deep inside I knew my life was a mess...even though I was paying bills and had a 'career'.  You know it's funny, the only time things felt manageable is when I was high and lying to myself, telling myself everything would be 'ok.' But high or not, the shame and self-hatred were still there. Everyone has a different bottom. Do you need to go to jail, or lose your house to hit it? No. But it'll just get harder and harder to maintain where you're at and what you have if u keep choosing to use. Like pitbullmom said,  make the choice to get some help.  Get help and get out of it now! Rooting for you my friend...

[solost170]

oh lord I do understand where you comen from most of us have been right where you are. and yes it is hell but you can crawl out of it, I have found that quiting was the hardest but the best thing that I could have ever done for myself and my kids, I lost almost everything during my useing and 95 days later I'm still picking the peices up, and everyday it is strugle we are addicts and our brains will tell us anything to get us to break and give in to the demon, I have said it so many times in other post addiction is feeding the beast, and the beast is hungry and will do whatever it takes to get a meal. but I had to wake up one day in the pits of withdrawal and make a choice do I go to the dr and get my fix or do I quit, do I really wanna be chained to this dang pills and I woke up and realized no I dont wanna be chained to the addiction anymore I have the will and the strength to do this and you do to. and you are worth it your family is worth it and what everyone has said is the truth it may not be the next time you use but one day the pills will win and you will lose. it is the cycle of addiction and you can break it one day when you are in the pits of withdrawal you will say enough is enough I just dont have another detox in me I dont wanna be on this roller coaster anymore it makes me sick. and dont be so hard on yourself we all fall and we get back up. look deep inside yourself and you will find the strength to do this and when you do the world will amaze you it did me once the fog lifted. its a bright and wonderful world out there hang in there hun this to shall pass. love and light solost

[Free2agoodhome]

hello

You don't have the ability to choose anymore...You are in the throws of full blown addiction,,

Good dad I'm sure ,,,,top tech,  i belive that........

when I was using I would think to myself,,,,,,"if I overdose and die my kids would have to explain how I died,,,,for the rest of their lives,,,,,oh yeah my day OD'ed  on painkillers,,,,sad....i wished he would have been there to watch my football games and take me fishing"

fill in your own blank,,,,but
that killed me to think that...(yikes)


There's a worn out saying that relates,,,,

The man took the pills.........
Then the pills took some pills...
Then the pills took the man,,,,


Before its too late man....do something different this time

Free~

[BeyondScrewed]

How much $ have I spent? Oh dear lord I don't even wanna think about how many TENS of thousands. Literally :-(
Someone, and I don't remember who said it best. They were a very happy addict, until they realized that they were an addict. Once they decided to try n quit, they were miserably unhappy until they did. That's where I am. In a cycle of hell :-(

[dominosarah]

How are you going to be a good father when you are 6 feet under?  That is what will happen, guaranteed.  You are not exempt from this.  Everytime you put another pill in your body it is just one step closer to the end.  Dont become a statistic, you are worth fighting for.

[IBKleen]

You need to stop making comparisons to other addicts. Saying that you have a job and are a good father only fuels your addiction.

You will either be clean some day or dead. That is about as straight forward as I can put it. I am praying that you get clean before this disease takes another good person, and that is you.

When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired you will get humble and ask for help. I hope that you get there and stop the insanity.

[Norco1947]

Hi Screwed ,
Your Human , we trip , fall , fail at times . When the times right  we get back up and try again  ....  Ron  .

[Jimmy1975]

Hey bro , don't be so hard on yourself . We all have our demons and we all struggle with it . You and I are what the call a functioning addict . Have a friend who drinks like a fish and never misses a day of work ! How I don't know . When I was abusing I never took more then thirty mg. in a day and when I stopped I never missed a day at work even tho it was Hell at times . Why some people are like us and others like my brother ended up homeless and dead is just the luck of the draw ! I was always to scared to increase to a higer amount and that probably saved me from what a lot of my fellow Med Help members had to go threw . I mean two or three days and I was done with the physical part of withdrawals .It was the mental episode that was very tough for me ! I do  know this my friend until YOU are ready to say enough ! You will be stuck in the trap ! I was and I am certain many here had to suffer until they hit bottom in one way or another . I hope and pray that this revelation will come to you too very soon . You can do it and its wonderful to know you have a place to come for support to help you threw those dark days before the light .Peace Jimmy

[jlannspr]

Everytime I would use after trying to quit, I would use more and more. I am the best at justifying my use. I would tell myself, well you quit for 10 days so you can use even more now. Our brains will justfiy anything to get more drugs in there. You may have a job and great relationship now, but ultimately, the pills will take everything. Have you added up the money that is being spent, is there something you could be buying your son?

Not meaning to be harsh, but justification of our use will get us into trouble. Please keep posting and come up with a plan for cutting back. Best wishes to you.

[pitbullmom]

ummm probly the same reason i let my hubby leave me over pills. filed bankruptcy, lost my house. ect... now im on suboxone picking up the peices of my life. alone with a 11yr to support by myself. cuz im an addict and all i can do is make diff choices i will always b an addict. so will u. but u keep resisting that male ego is bi*** huh? i hope u make a diff choice. this time. i always go to read ur posts. i wanna read a happy 1.