Why can't I find mt way?!

[iwantmylifebacknow]

Hi all! Some of you may remember me. For those who don't, my name is Michele and I am 39. I've been abusing hydrocodone for a few years now. I have been seeing a neuro for a few years because I have cervical stenoisis and disc herniations in my neck. For the first year or so I only took one pill a day. I never ever thought I would get addicted. Until i started to like the way it felt and then i became obssessed with them. I still feel like I can't do anything without a pill. I had some clean time a while back but fell back into the addiction because I thought I could fight this disease on my own. It is not possible and I know that I need an aftercare plan in place if I want to beat this. My script was filled 2 weeks ago and im almost out and my only source is my dr. I totally have him fooled. I was honest with him a while back but he seemed  to  think that I was just physically addicted and said you will need pain meds for the rest of your life with your condition bla bla bla.  So of course after some clean time I went for a visist and said you're right Dr i need the meds my pain is awful. So ive been back to pill counting and obsessing every few weeks. Craziest thing is my body is so used to this cycle that I don't even get bad wd's when I run out. I take between 4-6 a day 7.5/200 hydrocodone and normally run out by day 20. I have some anxiety and stomach issues but go to work and do what I have to feeling withdrawn and preoccupied by my pill craving. I did not make my appt for this month because I just want to end this addiction. I just really need support and encouragement. I never stopped reading your posts. I sign on to MH a few times a day and read. It took a lot of courage to post again and deep down I know I really want help. I want to enjoy life again and get off these pills!!! I can manage my pain with motrin. I know this because I was clean for a month or so. Please help me, anyone! I feel so weak, alone and lost. I have a teenage daughter who needs me and my full focus. She doesnt know her mom is an addict sho struggles every day. I just want to be normal. I have so many people fooled into believing I am. If only they really knew all the pain I feel inside everyday. Thank you for listening.

[gnarly_1]

Hi  well you have been given good advise ...now for me I tryed all kinds of aftercare the pastor of my church a substance abuse counselor even a shrink  all worked somewhat but they did not treat the addict that was alive and well in my head  it wasent until I got to the rooms of N/A that I started to treat the addict inside me  with time many meetings a sponsor and 12 simple steps that I started true recovery  today I have lost the very desire to use something that the other forms of aftercare never did for me I cannot over emphasize how well this program works google N/A meetings in your area......Gnarly

[katmandu516]

Great advice. Loved your post.  How have you been doing?  You sound like you got this.  Good for you!  Keep going. Opiates are the pits of hell!
Good luck,
Kat

[katmandu516]

Damn girl...we could be twins! Your post sounds like my first post if you care to go back and read it. We all feel worthless and powerless and we feel our whole world ***** so bad. I know.  We hate everyone and everything around us. We go through mood swings and mind blowing emotions. But it's just the poison of the drugs coming out.  You'll be fine, it won't kill you.  Everyday will get better, you know the drill.  So flush those suckers and start reclaiming your life back.  I'm going through it too, we can help each other ok? Write to me if you need too. Always here!
Kat
xoxo

[refills]

You've been down this road before so you know what's ahead for you. A plan is needed here. You have pills you don't know what to do with. You should think about your life and what pills have done for you. The more clear your plan is, the better your chances to make this stick this time. Your PCP or any doctor can help you get your body and mind in sync with each other. Hang in there you're doing great. Best wishes......ike

[iwantmylifebacknow]

Thanks guys! I really need the support! I still didn't flush them but it doesn't really matter. I only have 10 left. Like I said my body I guess is used to the on and off cycle so my wd's arent so bad. When I oringinally stopped in June, I think I suffered a lot more because a friend gave me a bunch of oxycontin 20mg that her mom no longer needed and so I was taking them too and used them as back up when I would run out of my pills. I think that added to my sickness and honestly I think some of the wd is all in your head. The wd is really the easiest part. I need help so I can stay clean for good. I just feel a mess right now. I know you are all familiar with these feelings. I'm not happy in my relationship, we are just a union of convenience. I don't even know who I am or what I like. I feel like I am dead. I realize the pills altered my brain chems but even sober I hate who I am. Please tell me I will rise above all of this. Feels impossible at the moment. I am my own worst enemy!!!!

[motye51]

Good morning lady....I wanted to wait until I got to work to send this b/c I hate typing on my damn phone!
Soooo.....what happened after the 4th of July holiday?  Anything in particular or was it just the nagging addict brain telling you that hey, I've quit for a while, maybe I can do this again IN MODERATION!!!  The lie most addicts tell themselves.  Remember everyone saying getting clean is the easy part and staying clean is the hard part!  This is not a lie....this is the cold, hard truth! Once I had the dope out of my system for about 3 weeks (when I could walk and talk at the same time) I did the 90/90.  It was suggested to me to give this a try and I did.  I saturated my aching brain with as much N/A textbook as I could.  Even better....buy an N/A textbook and just read the first chapter!  What would it hurt to read one chapter in a book?  I promise you you will see the truth in every single word you read and you will want to read more.  Try reading some of the personal stories in the back....there are so many I can relate too I was actually quite pissed!  I was like dammit, I really didn't want to see that I had so much in common with these damn people!  
No judgement, no finger pointing.....trying to get you to realize that willpower and self control are NOT enough.  White knuckling it only lasts so long.  I am now 402 days clean....ONLY b/c of aftercare!  This is a promise I make to you now....give the 90/90 a try and what are you out???? 90 days, big whoop. If you find after 90 days it's not for you try something else.

[katmandu516]

Yes, Flush what you have, or finish them.  It's up to you. Either way, momma detox will be there with all her punishments!  I can relate to using to numb the pain of past hurts and abuses. I have endured much since I was 5 years old. We will never forget our past and our hurts. But we have to learn how to live with  them in a healthy way.  You have gotten a lot of great advice on this post, Just go with it. Dig those heels in again. You did it once, you can do it again.  That's what I'm doing.  It's very hard, but we're worth it aren't we? Keep posting girl.
Good luck,
Kat

[Cricketk92]

Hi and Welcome back!  Yes Flush them!!!  I flushed mins at the end of trying to taper and it felt so good!!!  Yes I knew that detox was coming but I knew if I had them there I would keep on taking them!!  I was so ready for a new life and I too was MAD as heck at those pills!!!   You CAN do this!!!  We are all here routing you on!!!  Keep posting and let us know how you are getting on!!

[iwantmylifebacknow]

Thanks so much for your advice. Congrats on your clean time. As for you getting angry about the pills, I know I can do the same. My fiance is a chain smoker and I quit 2 years ago. i used to get so pissed that he would leave his ciggs on the kitchen counter everyday. It was like torture to me until one day I turned it into a competition where I would win. So i got mad like you and I never gave in to those cancer sticks!!!! I can do the same with the pills. Will keep you posted. I've been going back and forth all night about flushing them. I just need to get mad and do it. Thanks again for sharing this. It is a reminder that we are in control and have a choice.

[Ashamedmama]

Hey there! I'm pretty new to this site so bare with me here. I'm 24 days clean from a 6 year oxycodone addiction. My addiction was and is only known to me and my husband, so aftercare is just not an option. Neither was taking time off work during detox. The pills are my husband's, he doesn't abuse them, he only takes a fraction of the recommended dosage, which is why there were plenty for me to indulge in. So here's my point, if I can quit these, so can you! I knew if I didn't kick this, it would kill me. Plain and simple. You have to make it your absolute number 1 priority to get clean and stay that way. For good! I know I'm only 24 days in. And I don't know what tomorrow brings, I just know that I will never go back to the pills! This is what I decided to do: I got mad! I got mad at the pills! I gave up the guilt and shame and traded it for anger towards those toxic evil pills! I look at them like living breathing monsters and vow to kick they're a** everytime a craving creeps in. Plus I  keep myself busy with whatever I can do! Boredom is not my friend!!
I wish you all the luck with this! I know you can beat it!

[iwantmylifebacknow]

Thanks, I am researching some groups now in my area.  I need a plan in place this time and support. My fiance and family have no idea I relapsed so I need to come clean with them as well. I will also look into an outpatient program. Thank you for rooting for me. I want to succeed this time!!!!

[meegWpaw]

i remember you.  i know you can do this if you want to.  i agree with IB, you need aftercare.  I have been going to 12 step meetings (a mixture of NA and AA) and I went to an outpatient intensive program through my health care provider.  yeah, why not flush them and ct?  in any case you can do this!!!!  rooting for you

[iwantmylifebacknow]

Thank you both for being there for me. I have enough for 2-3 days.  I should just flush them down the toilet. I am scared and feel helpless.

[IBKleen]

Hi Hun, welcome back. I know it took a lot for you to post and I am proud of you. It seems that putting down the pills is not a n issue for you but you are having trouble staying clean. Welcome to the club. After we put down the drugs a lot of find ourselves feeling empty and full of emotions that we can't explain. We can't figure out how to live life without the use of drugs. For me I got involved in aftercare. I need to get to the reasons why I abused drugs and I need to learn how to live life and cope with my emotions. I do that through the fellowship of NA & AA. That is for me but any way you find to have an outside support group would be great. You are hanging there alone and this is not the time to be alone. Have you considered reaching out for help?