Why can't I stop....?

[Ash223]

Sooo I posted here back in November, during my first attempt to get clean. I quickly relapsed and stopped using this as a good support tool... Since then it's just been hell. So I ended up checking into rehab in January, left after 9 days and used. Checked back into one in May, I actually stayed for a very long time. I had so much faith in my recovery and I gave myself enough time to actually feel happy! It was absolutely amazing... I finished a 30 day program, then went into sober living. I only had about a month left in sober living but...
I ended up leaving mid July because a bunch of drama and stupid ****. Well... When I got home I ******* stayed clean for what... 2 days? And then relapsed. Now I'm in a different state with my partner who didn't know I was using again until I told them i was going through w/d and I mean they are also in recovery so I know it stings a bit. I haven't used since Friday morning... I feel somewhat okay, especially compared to the first time I did this. My tolerance wasn't back up there yet but it surely was getting there. It just ***** man... It has me by the throat and i know the tools and what I should do... I know that I can't accomplish the life I deserve if I keep using but in my ****** up junkie mind I keep dreaming about doing a shot when I get home next week. I mean what kind of crazy fool puts themselves through this agony and does it again over and over?! I just am at a loss right now... I really feel so hopeless like maybe I'm not destined for greatness like id love to think, maybe I'm just a junkie.. And that's all. What does one do in this situation? Rehab again isn't really financially an option... I know I should go to meetings but how do you find the strength to basically fall out of love with the love of your life?! I know it kills me but I literally feel like I'm married to it. It's been 5 years... I'm 24 years old..
I have nothing that everyone else my age has and that's what really gets me down and keeps me there. Even though I completely understand that continued use will only make it worse and I'll look up in 5 more years and be even farther gone but still. I just hate it. I love it and hate it with every fiber of my being. Sorry for the rant though.. I just don't know what to do anymore. Thanks for listening though and sorry for being so pessimistic lol.

[IBKleen]

You can do this Ash..surrender, get humble and ask for help...

[PurrfectlyKrazy]

I feel for you Ash..I really do.  I want you to think about a few things.  You are 24 years old...by the time you are 30 you will look much older than you really are...you will feel much older than you are too (if you don't already).

I'm not in your shoes so I don't know why you are having so many problems...but maybe I can take a guess from my days in the 20's.  It is hard to get away from the people and situations that put the drugs in your path???  

I know you are in hell right now and I wish I could do something to help.  You CAN get and stay clean.  I know you can!  

I agree with IB that you are broken and that you need counseling.  You need to find out why, at such a young age, you are willing to die...because that is what you are willing to do if you continue on this path.  Please seek counseling.  If you can't afford it get in touch with your County Mental Health Department...they should be able to point you in the direction you need to go.  Many cities and counties have low cost counseling that works on a sliding scale.  Please consider doing this.

You have a long life ahead of you and it can be a healthy and happy one....but you have to learn to love yourself first.

I will pray for you and please keep in touch here as much as you can.  
We can at least offer support to you!

[Ash223]

Wow, that is very very similar. I know it's all about willingness... And doing the next right thing. I'm white knuckling it, and that's what scares me. It's hard to push myself into a meeting even though in treatment, I came to love them. I wish I would have done what you did and stay in a sober living facility longer... Just to give myself more time. I thought I had surrendered... I mean when I was there, I really wanted to be there. Looking back, I can see where I went wrong. It was hard for me to open up about certain things so I guess I never really did work enough on myself. Because you're very right, it's not the drug it's us and what we are running from no matter if it's deep down or on the surface. Id like to go to consoling when I get back... I just need to actually do it and quit putting it off! It'd be smart to make an appointment now so that i actually go to it while I'm clean. It ***** too because my family is so damn proud of me... They think I've been clean since treatment and trust me immensely. Beforehand, the dark circles and bags were going away but of course they are back again. I look at myself in the mirror in utter disgust.. I can see right through me and feel like everyone else can. Probably wouldn't be such a bad thing but I am an addict therefore have mastered the art of lying and manipulating :/ thank you for your advice and support though, it means a lot. I've never felt more love and compassion from anyone as much as i do from addicts... Because we know exactly what hell is like. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

[IBKleen]

Thanks for sharing my story because that is what it sounded like. My doc is Heroin and I used it for more years than I can think of. It was my world, my savior, my best friend, my lover and my financial advisor. I went to rehab..stayed 10 days and bolted. I ended up going to get drugs with a suitcase in my hand. I got arrested 4 times and went to two more rehabs. By this time I had found out that my bottom had a basement. I fought what I pray was the last rehab but I was remanded by court to go so I had to stay. I guess I was a few weeks in and I still fighting every thing and everyone in there..but something happened. I can't explain it but I was sitting in group with my arms folding trying not listen when it hit me..don't know but I do know it was the moment I surrendered. I stayed the full 90 days and went to a half-way house away from home. I stayed there until for first anniversary and then went home. I lived and breathed NA for five and a half years and life was great. I had an accident and relapsed. But I picked myself up and started to move forward.

That is the point I wanted to make to you. Pick yourself up..you KNOW what you have to do. Your problem is not the drugs. The problem is YOU. You are broken and need to be fixed. I strongly recommend counseling. You need to get in touch with those demons and slay the. I also strongly suggest you get back to meetings ASAP. Your best thinking landed you here a few times now. Your way doesn't work honey. Time to try something new? We are here to support you...