Withdraw while pregnant? What to do?

[misky123]

I have been addicted to heroin on and off for the past 5 years. I guess mainly on, but I have had a few short stretches of being clean. I recently found out that I'm pregnant. I haven't been to the dr yet to confirm it, but apparently there isn't really such a thing as a false positive on a test. I don't know what to do. I know kicking it myself isn't really safe, but I don't want to go to the doctor and tell them I've been using heroin this whole time. I'm wondering if there's a way to wean myself off relatively quickly before going to the doctor. And then again I wonder if I should just have an abortion and be done with it. Although I've only known about this for less than a week, a large part of me really wants to keep the baby. But what sort of parent would I be? A terrible one, I'm sure. I had an abortion when I was 20 and I don't want to do it again. I don't know if I can make a decision at all. Maybe fate will just step in. I don't know. I just can't tell anyone. I don't want any of my friends or family to find out because then I know they'll pressure me into something one way or the other and I don't need them to think I've screwed up even more than they already know.

[Jinx_777]

don't be scared.. i know, i know, easier said than done, BUT like i said you can prove everyone wrong.  you never know, they may be really happy.  

as a mom of a daughter your age, if she was a heroin user, i think i would thank God if she was pregnant because it may be the best chance of saving her life.  getting her to experience the most amazing thing a woman can experience. hands down.  it changes people for the better.  

i was 16 yrs old when i had my first baby and nobody thought i could do it, i proved them all wrong.  it changed me for the better

[misky123]

I haven't really talked to my family in a few weeks. I talked to my sister recently, but I haven't told them any of this that's going on. None of them know I'm pregnant. I'm scared to tell them.

[newoutlook12]

Do you believe in God? He could help you so much right now I think he sent you that baby to save your life because he could see that you didn't think you were worth saving but you are and you'll see that soon hopefully. See I know cuz I myself was much like you! Hope you keep coming here its nice to have people to talk to that understand you, I wish I knew about this site back then. Anyways if u want we could exchange numbers or something so u have someone to talk to and I think it would really help you to hear my whole story I think it could bring you a lot of encouragement. My life is so great now I just want other addicts to see they can have the same! Its so worth it you'll get there yourself and see what I mean!

[newoutlook12]

Hey how are u doing today? Good I hope. I meant to ask you if you have the support of your family? U need to feel like the is someone in your coner with u since your man is still needing to come around. God I wish I could tell u my whole story but it would be way to long, I think it would give you a lot of hope though. Especially since I was like u I have had many times of getting clean and then of course messing it all up again so many times that no one thought that I would ever stay clean. Hell I never thought I could I thought for sure I would die being a herion addict or it would kill me. Even when I was first pregnant I still didn't think I could do it.  I knew I had to for my baby tho I swear I prayed for months for god to just take the want to use way from me and after some time of being clean and pregnant I swear it did just that I stayed clean for the rest of my pregnancy. And to this day I still haven't wanted to get high even though the hard times its not been a thought in a very long time. I was terrified that I would when my grandmother passed( she raised me so she was like my mom) but I didn't and that was the biggest challenge for me I thought for sure I would relapse. But I had learned how to deal with things by that point without wanting to just numb myself until the pain was gone,  I knew I couldn't do that now I had a baby to worry about. And I lost her 2 weeks after my daughter was born. My grandmother was the only family support I had I new I didn't have anyone to pick me up when I fall now I know if I let myself go back there I'll just fall further and further into a whole and then die. I really had no one else

[Jinx_777]

your past history has nothing to do with this situation.  
in the past all you had to worry about is you.  now you are living FOR another human being--- your child.

maybe he doesn't understand that, but you can prove him wrong.  
it is different for the dads until the first time they lay their eyes on the baby.  then they fall in love like never before.  all his fears will vanish.  promise you that,

all addicts have to earn trust back and prove themselves to the people that love them.  just comes with the territory.  

[Merri123]

Misky I am so happy for you.  You have are some very good hard choices for and the baby. Once you are stabilized, the suboxone will help you. Yes many here have gone that route and stopped using it but for now and until you are strong enough, it is what you need.

Your BF will come around. He is in shock right now. Point out that you were too. You were scared. You could've run out and aborted it and never told him at all. You decided your baby together and the family you will have was more important to you. You are doing what you are supposed to do. Please stop threatening to take my baby from me and give me time to show you I am serious.

Keep a journal or log. Have him come to your appointments if he wants to. Can you get some couples counseling now to work through your underlying issues? Work towards being a partnership for when it is born?

AA/NA didn't work before because you weren't ready for it then. You are in a different place now. Give it another try. The support you will get will be the world if difference. Have BF come to open meetings with you. It will help him too.

I am so proud of you. Keep on moving forward.

[Sonrissa]

Hi Misky, I was so very happy and relieved to see that you have been honest with your doctor, and are beginning a program to help you and the baby. Please get yourself into some sort of support group or back into NA, as soon as possible. You need support as you continue on this journey to motherhood and sobriety. Please keep us posted as to how you and the baby are doing. I know you can do this! You are in my prayers. I wish you all the best! Be very proud of yourself for taking the first steps. Take care.

[misky123]

Yes, I have been to rehab in the past and done NA. And I am not claiming it doesn't help or that it didn't help me. I just relapsed one day and instead of doing what I should have done, I just stopped going to meetings and let myself continue using.

We've been together for a little over 3 years. I was clean for about the first 6 months or so, and then it has been back and forth since then.

[newoutlook12]

Sorry to hear that hope he comes around soon, have you ever tried n/a? And how long have you been with your boyfriend if you don't mind me asking?

[misky123]

I don't blame him for what he is thinking and worried about. It is all because of my past history and track record that he thinks that. I've given him no reason to think I will actually follow through with what I say this time, even though I am pregnant. I spent weeks continuing to use, knowing I was pregnant. I'm not sure if he can forgive me. He always says he forgives me after every time I do something terrible related to my addiction, but then he always brings it up and it's obvious he holds it all against me.

[newoutlook12]

Sorry to hear how your bf is acting he'll come around u should have to stay clean and show him you are way stronger than he thinks u are. Honey honestly none us of think we are strong enough to do this when we first start getting clean but u are the will of a pregnant women can do many things I mean look at how far u have already come. It just takes a lot to get back the trust of the people who we have hurt during our addiction ya know he'll slowly but surely see he changes you are making to ensure the health and well being of his child, he'll have to see that!  And remember he doesn't understand addiction like we do ourselves not to make excuses for him lol but ill sure he'll come around  by seeing the amazing changes in u. U should go to an n/a meeting to show him how serious you are about this, u should also go for u trust me its nice to be around people who understand what you are going through ya. You are so worth this and so is your precious  little baby  as I see u already know well at least about the baby I felt the same at first but soon u will realize how you are worth it also! I hope you get there soon it makes it so much easier when you can see you are worth getting clean staying clean and having a great life!

[misky123]

I may switch doctors regarding the Suboxone. There is another clinic near me that specializes in treating pregnant women, but I hear they do have a waiting list. I may call them to try to get in there asap, and maybe they will be more knowledgeable about Subutex.

My boyfriend is not really sure how he feels. He seemed happy the other day, but he keeps changing his mind. He says he's sure he'll end up alone with a baby - either I will go right back to using heroin and/or I'll die and leave him alone. He also told me that if I ever use heroin again he will make sure I never ever see our child.

[Amandag78]

Hey girl, so glad and happy for you !!!
Subs is not a cure, but certainly a great substitute in your situation : )
Honey, dont be upset, you have done the right thing : )
Now, its time to enjoy your pregnancy.
Nobody wants to be in this situation, your maternal instincts have probably kicked in and so this is why you have concerns...
I was also going to say, its not advised to take Suboxone during pregnancy, pregnant women must take Subutex instead. As your doctor is not so familiar with Subs, its a good idea to question swapping to Subutex instead : )
You must keep going to your doctor for regular appointments, you will also more than likely get more ultra-sound's than the standard woman, because your on maintenance Subs, this is a good thing !!!
Generally, when a woman reaches 20 weeks pregnant, its pretty safe to say bubby will be ok and chance of miscarriage is reduced greatly.
How is your partner feeling now towards you? Is he happy you are on Subs or still feeling the same ?
Well, we are all so proud of you, try and de-stress yourself and enjoy your tummy : )
Take care..

[atthebeach]

huni i am very proud of you. I know how hard it was to tell the truth to
the doctor. you did awesome. you were very brave.
you have a great doctor, he is being supportive and helpful, exactly as he should be.
please attend some substance abuse support groups.
thank you for updating us.
congrats on your pregnancy.
  

[newoutlook12]

And also you might want to ask them if they can change your suboxin to subutext because vthe narcon isn't supposed to be good for the baby.  I was on it when I got pregnant and thats why my doctor changed it to subutext sorry just wanted to mention that because I know my doc switched mine asap after doing a pregnancy test

[newoutlook12]

Good luck to u girl what you did takes a lot of guts and it means you truly love your baby more than your old selfish ways so proud of you. Just try not to be to hard on yourself your baby will be fine and since you were honest about what was going on and are getting help you have nothing to worry about with cps or anything like that. Good for you, and just to let u know l also am 11 weeks pregnant and I am on subutext so we have some things in common lol and also I have a 2 1/2 year old that I was pretty much in the  same situation as you when I got pregnant with her and was on subs throughout my pregnancy with her so if u ever need to talk I'm here new to the site so I'm on here pretty much all time lol

[misky123]

No, I don't have any other children, thankfully.

[nursegirl6572]

You should feel very proud honey!  I know that had to be very hard, good for you!  I'm so glad you have a plan, and what sounds like a pretty cool doctor!

This may be the very very best thing that ever happened to you....do you have other children?  Sorry if I missed that already!

[misky123]

The doctor is concerned because the baby's heart rate is a little slower than it should be right now, but said that is also typical with opiate use. He said the heartbeat was strong though, so that is a good sign. It may get better once I am on a regulated dosage, so I am going back next week to get everything checked out and so the doctor can start a baseline. I didn't realize how in denial I was about everything. I was shocked to actually see it on the monitor. I was convinced I was imagining it at all something - it was really bizarre and to be perfectly honest I just feel sick thinking about it right now.

[Jinx_777]

YAYYYYYYYYYYY  

see, not all doctors are judgmental.  sounds like you found a wonderful, caring doc.

so the baby looked good???  how did it feel for you to actually see a living baby inside you??  it should help you bond.  just think...... for 9 months you will never be alone.  :)  congrats  so happy to read this update

[misky123]

I went to my appointment on Friday and admitted to using heroin. Physically, I can't hide it anyway, and I decided  am tired of living this way. I feel like if I did decide to have an abortion I know it will be so I can continue using and I don't want to have to live with that guilt. Anyway, so the doctor didn't seem judgmental at all. He did talk about how serious it is and that I need to stop using the heroin, obviously, but that I needed to get on a maintenance drug right away. He just seemed very concerned and like he wanted to do everything he could to help me. He recommended Suboxone from his experience, which was a relief because that is what I really wanted to use over Methadone. The best estimate right now is that I am about 11 weeks. I don't know exactly when my last period was, but this is per the ultrasound. I guess normally you're not lucky enough to have an ultrasound at the first appointment, but because I had no idea how far along I was, and given the situation, the doctor thought we should have a look. To be honest, I was prepared for the baby to be dead in there, as horrible as that sounds. But anyway, the doctor was worried that there may be a waiting period to get into a Suboxone clinic, but luckily there are several near where I live. I don't know whether it was because he thought I would not do it myself or what, but the doctor actually called around to the different Suboxone doctors to find out which could get me in the first of this week. I couldn't believe it. In a way, I was mad because it felt like too much too soon. I wanted to put it off. I know that is selfish and stupid of me. II had my first appointment yesterday and I was put on 8 mg, with 4 mg to take home if I started to feel withdrawal symptoms later at night. I did have to take it, and the doctor had warned me that most likely I would have to. I had to go back this morning, 24 hours later to be assessed. For today I will be on 12 mg, and then I will go back yet again tomorrow.

[clean_in_ks]

Couple of questions/observations for you GoodKat.....

I'm pretty sure your post was intended for Misky123 not Amadag78~

You said above that you had abortions when you were young, or it was necessary in your life~
Misky123 has those very same choices and decisions to make for herself.

You say you are narcotic free....but I thought I read that you were on suboxone and valium.  

Not meaning to call you out.....just read some conflicting comments.

[GoodKat]

Hey Girl, I never did heroin, but over 10 years on fentynal patches and did detox with Suboxon, but it was the most miserable experience of my life! I can't imagine putting a tiny baby through that Hell, which is what will happen if you use throughout an entire pregnancy to birth.

As far as aborting the baby, I had abortions when young, or necessary, but if you're only considering an abortion because you can't get a guarantee that you can stay off of heroin for the rest of your life, all wrapped up in a nice big bow, that's not a reason to have one. The program of recovery is one day at a time, none of us can look in the mirror and guarantee we will never drink or drug again! I'll have 23 years alcohol free this February, all one day at a time. I do not claim "sobriety" for all those because I was on prescribed narcotics for over 10 years. Regardless that I had to, I worked a program that taught me that using any mood altering substance is a relapse. It will be 3 years this November since I went into detox and stopped the narcotics. I did it because I was about to be a grandma and regardless of how much pain I'm in, I wanted to be a close, loving, hands-on grandmother to them. That was my motivation, we all have our own reasons.

I found this forum, however while looking up pain medications (hoping to justify asking doc for something again) because, since July, a new health problem has attacked me and they can't figure out what is causing it, but the pain has been unbearable and I haven't even been able to care for the babes for over 2 months, which put me back on my pity pot, with that incessant, "stinking thinking"... but instead of finding justification to take pills again, I somehow, got in here! Now I feel renewed, by sharing and listening, and again, I've made it another day, and another...this is how it works!

I'm going to speak honestly to you now. What I am hearing is a very sick woman, and the heroin use is the result of not receiving the treatment you need for your mental health. Threatening suicide, "my boyfriend is only staying with me because he's afraid of what I might do, I'll be a terrible mom, I'm disgusted with myself, I'm embarrassed"...you get the picture, don't you? It sounds to me like you need psychiatric help as well as help for your addiction to heroin. If you think your unique, think again! Even in the DSM (doctor's manual of diagnosis), your symptoms are right there, listed as "dual diagnosis", which means that you've become an addict because you can't stand living in your own skin!

Would you be saying the same things about yourself if you had cancer? A brain tumor? Multiple-sclerosis? I doubt it. Mental illness is no more your fault then any other disease. We need to stop stigmatizing people with mental illnesses and addiction, starting with ourselves!  It's an illness, no less serious, and no more your fault than if you had cancer! This back and forth you're doing with your boyfriend, in my opinion, is just your sick brain telling you to hide your drug addiction, because as long as you can hide it, you can keep using without feeling the guilt and responsibility you are assigning to yourself, as your fault.  All that is doing is making you feel worse, which makes you want to use more, and around and around you go! I'm hearing, in your words, that you're also suffering with, at least, depression. (I'm just a social worker, in recovery, not a psychologist, so I'm in no place to diagnose you), but there are people who can!

All you need to do, right now, is the 1st step, admit you are powerless over your disease and you cannot control it. When you come to grips with that, you can take the next baby step and reach out for help. I don't know where you live, I'm in Oregon where Planned Parenthood will actually help you, even to obtain an abortion if that is what you decide to do, (I do not want you to go somewhere that is actually only pro-life, anti-choice, masquerading as a legitimate facility) but you, just you, right now, need help. You have nothing to be ashamed of! You have a disease that needs treatment.

You can have a wonderful life, have all your dreams come true without dragging that heavy ball and chain of addiction. Think small. Just today. Not forever. Nobody knows their future! You found this forum for a reason and you reached out for help, I think that is your first step, you can take another! All my best! ❤️Kathy

[Amandag78]

Deb i just sent u a pm : )
Misky, how you doing today ??