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Avatar universal

absolutly ridiculous denial

About to admit, share the most frightening feeling/place I have ever been.   This is very difficult, but have  been reading this forum since maybe 1:00 am, now after 6:00......  started doing coke around March of last year.....was introduced and started smoking crack around September.....  I am spending, God this is so hard, especially since until about 3 hours ago have told myself I could stop whenever, been spending between $400.00 to $600.00 A DAY on coke.  About 99% of the timeI am  alone and finish it all up......just can't stop if I have it.  

After reading I am sure that an inpatient treatment would be recommended........however, I have the most wonderful man in my life, that I have consistantly lied to of course.  He is aware of what I am doing, have hurt him more than once due to this addiction.  Anyway, I want to run up to him this morning, about 3 hours away where I know nobody.  He would be there for me.  My job, ha, am spending  in a day and a half what I make in two weeks......and is where I met the other addicts, not too safe a place for me to spend time.  (get my money from divorce settlement, how clearly an addidct, to actually be cashing out stock and an IRA for money, omg.)

Anyway, boss just got out of a 30 day and using right away......did not miss a beat.


****  My question........  Think I should tell boss I am going for "help", am out of control (understatement??) and drive straight to "man's" house for an extended period of time.....................................


Opinions PLEASE..........
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Avatar universal
failed....... and may have ruined a wonderful relationship in the process.  I could have stayed there as long as I needed, wanted.  He even called his ex (home for sale, both still paying on mortgage, utilities 50/50) to see if she would object to me staying there.  No problem as long as I pick up her half of the payments.  I knew I had to come back home, cats, house, bills......real life obligations.  He sugguested, strongly, that we come down together, grab what is needed and go back to his place.  I mean the guy busted me so many times over the course of my week long stay.  Of course I could not leave last week without "getting some".  Pre-cooked for my trip...........then the most shameful incedent...  I drove to get some while b/f was at work.  Told my dealer I would buy a ridiculous amoint if he would meet me half way........so I did, and he did.  That was on maybe Thursday.  When I say a ridiculous amount I mean I must be nuts!!!

So anyway, have all of the stuff, and have to cook it.  My b/f is not stupid, notices spills, chore, everything.  Busts me and busts me......  He then finally had enough of my lies.  (truthfully, some were not lies, but he can't believe anything that comes out of my mouth anymore...and I totally get that, but hurts at the same time).

Last night I suggest (what??)  that we do drug tests, that would be proof that I was not on anything, this suggestion at the possibiliy that I may move in.  He agrees!!  :) yay, now I have to actually quit, which I am obviously not having am easy time with.

All was going okay until I decided to come home today, without him, to get things in order.   Knowing that honestly wanted him to come with as he suggested.  But this would not be some 4 hour stop.  This will take time to get in order if I would really move up there.  God, I have a house. would have to figure out if I would try to rent it, just feel it out for a couple of months, sell it..............  

Well, by me leaving, coming back here to my home, and "drug danger zone", he is basically done, had enough, damage is to much...has to be drastic changes for anything to do with "us" can even be considered.

He used some very strong language when addressing me, of course was via text, he is "not able to talk with me at this time".  I have BEYOND messed up this time.  He did also say he would never turn me away, not be there for me if I reached out to him.  However, I don't know in what context, what far distant day that I can have his trust back.  Hell, that is presuming that I can kick this evil, all consuming addiction...  I should have had him take my keys.  He is out in the middle of nowhere, and I could not have possibly gotten anything.  But, same reason that I did not give him the keys, I knew I could have freedom during the day to make a  quick (3+ hour) road trip.

I had it made as far as support, a place drug free, a safe place to stay.  And now I am back here, doing the shi! and don't know what my next step is going to be.....

I am quitting my job, getting away from at least part of the problem....

Okay, afraid to re-read this, think it is going to be very hard to follow, jump around from subject to subject......I will gladly answer any confused replies.........

Thank you.........once again I am "andawake".  Damn I did sleep and eat in the past week more than I can even believe..........
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Welcome those tears! Cry your friggin eyes out and put your chin high and then be proud of yourself for doing the RIGHT THING.. Doing what needed to be done without excuse or hesitating!!

I AM PROUD OF YOU

YOU ARE GOING TO BEAT THIS

WE ARE HERE FOR YOU
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Well, I should not always expect the worst.  Boss man's response, "proud of me, will do anything I need to help me".....  Damn the tears.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
That is great you have a man like that in your life! Why are you so far away from him?  I think you might want to think about going to stay with him for AS LONG AS IT TAKES!!  Try to find a Local Detox, and/or inpatient rehab and just give yourself like 30 days or so of treatment to get yourself back to a good place, and in the meanwhile use his support as you stated..  Then focus on staying clean and getting a new job maybe around where he lives and start meeting addict free friends, and people who care about your real true self!!  You can do this.. ONE STEP AT A TIME
Helpful - 0
352798 tn?1399298154
I feel for you. You are being smart to recognize what this is doing to your life. You need to find a new job when this is over. Do not let yourself be surrounded by addicts. New friends, new life and you will live again. Good luck to you. You are making good choices today.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I know, so lucky to have him.  At one point he told me that no matter what he would stand by me, support me unconditionally, we would get through things as a team.......  Takes my breath away actually.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
i am so proud of you for not blaming others and taking responsibility for your actions, that is so hard to do, but one of the first steps in getting clean. i know your going to do this because you know what is going to have to take place. i wish you the best of luck and please keep us updated. chris
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
sadly, boss is like a brother..he is actually the person named to make decision if end up on life support, pull the plug or not...  He is going to be so upset, at himself, which is completely unjustified, wrong... Once, a while back he lectured me about using and was half yelling half crying blaming himself for introducing me to smoking it.  Started out that I was the official "ice getter" while he cooked, progressed to where I am today.  I am a big girl and unfortunately had (past tense here) allowed a lot of enablers into my life........I absolutely take responsibility for that fact.

I am beyond apprehensive.  
Helpful - 0
401095 tn?1351391770
If I had someone i could stay with and get true support...someone i trusted who loved me unconditionly..that is where I would be...quick!  I too started spending my 401k, etc..being frugal as I am...it really scared me...You are lucky to have him, whoever he is (:
Helpful - 0
306867 tn?1299249709
I meant turn the phone off. sorry
Helpful - 0
306867 tn?1299249709
Then just turn the phone on and get going.  You are doing the right thing.  Will you have internet access at your boyfriends.  Please don't rule out inpatient rehab.  Calm down a little then move to the next step.  We will be here for you. Keep us posted.  You are number one right now . Not using is your number 1 priority. Everything else must take a backseat.  My thoughts are with you.   Mary
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
omg...........shaking out of control.  just text boss that i am leaving for a while, leaving this morning.....and was honest about the reason since he has the addiction himself.  OMG I am so scared.  Just want to turn my phone off......can't talk to him, anyone.  
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am so glad you realize that.. Here is A brutal fact!  Cocaine/Crack is just a road to nowhere or Death whichever comes first!  I know tons of people at all different stages of use and abuse of crack and they all say they ARE NOT THAT BAD, OR I WONT LET IT GET TO THAT POINT, OR I HAVE CONTROL.. All of that is BullSh1T!!!!

The facts are that NOONE can just use crack cocaine and be responsible about it. Because even using 1 rock per day could kill a person at anytime!  It all ends the same.. AND ITS UGLY!  You need to DO WHATEVER IT TAKES RIGHT NOW!!  Dont say that you will do it tomarrow, because you might not make it to tamarrow if you use for just 1 more day!!  

YOU CAN'T PUT A PRICE ON YOUR LIFE

YOU NEED TO STOP RIGHT NOW

YOU ARE STRONGER THAN THIS

YOU CAN BEAT THIS ADDICTION

YOU NOW HAVE PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING TO HELP

I HAVE BEEN THERE AND NOW AM OUT OF THAT DARK PATH

YOU CAN BE CLEAN FROM IT TOO!

CARE ENOUGH FOR YOURSELF TO SAVE YOUR OWN LIFE TODAY!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
have started the process.......found house, pet sitter.  Why am I so afraid of employers??  I mean seriously.  My stomach is already clenched, I think it is hitting me that I will not be able to "just stop".  That this is going to take everything I have.  I am going to start by running to b/f house.  I have known I truly needed/wanted to stop.  Makes me physically ill, how everything is spinning out of control.

This site, the honest, hit me hard, gut wrenching experiences.........that truly is what brought me to my knees.........  I still try to convince myself that I would not get "that bad", let it get to that point.  But with the horror stories that have been shared here, seems that is the expected outcome if you keep using...

I am terrified.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
good morning and welcome.  first of all i want you to know there is hope. you said you haven't been doing this drug that long, (under  a year) but i promise you it gets so much worse. you can get help now, before this drug starts doing damage physically. although mentally it may be one of the hardest things you will do in your life. i watched so many people  throw their lives away to this drug, it completely, and i mean completely changes your brain.

i would suggest inpatient treatment or counselling, but if you can't afford rehab, then i suggest at least starting with going to an N/A meeting to let you know there is hope. you cannot socialize with people using, it will be IMPOSSIBLE to stay clean. crack may be the most mentally addictive drug there is, but if you truly want to get clean, then you need to fight girl and do whatever it takes to get and stay clean. you can't just say i want to quit, you have to make some major changes here. i am almost 3 months clean from coke, and it was a hell of a battle getting off it, but now i fell 1000 times better.

please stick around here, this forum has been my best therapy and a great place to get support. i have faith in you, and we are all here for you. chris
Helpful - 0
199177 tn?1490498534
welcome , I know you are struggling .You really are going to need an inpatient program for a while . In the end impatient will be worth every penny your not making while inpatient, because you will be clean and have your life back .As you said you are spending so much money in crack a day you are spending anywhere from2500,4200 in crack a week .PLZ let us know what you are going to do ......
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I feel for you so much.. I used to be addicted to cocaine. Started out with lines, then sheets, then crack.  I was spending just a little less per day than you, but only due to running out of money..

One of the hardest things to do is to admit it aloud to others and especially yourself to admit you have a horrible addiction that is CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE IN EVERY WAY!  You really need to take ANY ACTION THAT GETS YOU AWAY FROM THAT LIFESTYLE.  You can still get out of this alive.. You are not dead YET!  You still have hope.. That is the great news.  As long as you are alive and breathing you still have a shot at quitting and starting a drug free life again.

I know by now you can't even imagine your life without the morning blast, and the nightcap that puts you to sleep.. I thought that too.  I went to rehab only 1 time, but I WAS READY TO STOP!!  It has been 10 years now since I have used cocaine.  IT CAN BE DONE!

YOU HAVE TO WANT IT TO BE OVER

YOU NEED TO STOP RIGHT NOW!! TODAY!! THIS MOMENT

YOU CAN DO THIS!!

PEOPLE DO CARE WHETHER YOU LIVE OR DIE

I AM HERE FOR YOU!!!
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Avatar universal
I keep telling myself, "how can you leave, you have bills, a mortgage payment".  WHAT???    With the amount of money I am smoking a day, I would save money by leaving...........
Helpful - 0
306867 tn?1299249709
Please just do what ever it takes to get you to stop using.  Make sure you have some aftercare and support system. If everyone where you work is using. Please please find another job.  You life is at risk here.  Stay with this forum. There are so many helpful people.  
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Avatar universal
And, since he is quite a distance away.......he believes that I have cut down significantly and am going to meetings.....meeting with a therapist, on the road to recovery.......  what lies.  

One of the hardest things is to picture my life just a year ago......no drugs, outgoing, had friends, family.  Now just smoke and isolate.  Jeez, work is close to home the times I have left and thought, "I can make it 3 hours and come home."  Always run home.
Helpful - 0
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