Day 2 off 225mg+ hydrocodone - need some support!

[needhelp4ecacpm]

So I posted my story a couple of weeks ago but here is a quick synopsis :-) I'm a mother of 4 wonderful kids, I have a great husband and a wonderful life. I have more than I could have ever hoped for. But I'm hiding a terrible secret from the ones I love - a 225mg+ addiction to hydrocodone for the last year. I'm the bread winner in my family and in charge of the finances so my husband has no idea. This isn't my first time at the rodeo either but my addiction was never THIS bad. But when I met my husband and 3 step children, I had a reason to quit! Up until a year ago when I had my son. I received IV dilaudid in the hospital and was prescribed vicodin after my C-section. My old friend was back!

So here I am - broke as a joke, can't enjoy life and my family because I'm constantly worried about counting my stash and when I'll hook up again, and 225+mg/day doesn't even phase me anymore. So I came to the decision that it's time!

I wasn't able to taper down the way I wanted to. If the pills are there, I take them. But I did my best and decreased my input daily over the last two weeks. I purchased all of the stuff listed in the Thomas Recipe except no access to muscle relaxers. I also purchased some cheap Kratom from the smoke shop (not sure if it will help) and if necessary my friend has Neurontin (non-opiate - says it's for nerve pain and restless leg syndrome) I can take. I also told all 3 sources (all friends of mine who don't do them, they just sell them) what was going on and they all agreed to support me and not sell to me. I feel I have all the physical stuff in order.

I haven't really started experiencing any severe withdrawals yet. Work has been keeping my mind off of it. I'm pretty grumpy in general right now. But the hardest thing above all else is the mental side of these withdrawals. I can't get pills of my mind right now!!! And it's driving me NUTS! The pill devil is tap dancing on my brain!!!

However, I keep having a small light break through saying "You can do this. You NEED to do this. You can make it." And it's that little glimmer that I'm trying to follow.

I guess I just need a bit of reassurance today. I feel pretty pathetic since this is ONLY DAY 2 without. I have such a long way to go! I'm trying so hard to keep my eye on the prize - I guess I don't remember the mental withdrawals being SO intense :'( I feel like if I could have just 1, one measly little pill, life would be better. And I know that's just the addict talking - 1 pill wouldn't even phase me.

Anyone else dealt with this? I need to shut it out!

Thanks for listening/reading... it feels better to get it off my chest!

[kyle505]

So, to sum up what just about everyone has told you - if you don't tell your secret you WILL relapse behind it. All the questions you've asked, all the preparations you've made are a waste if you don't tell your secret. And telling your sources aka dealers that you don't want any more is like pissing in the wind. The moment you start to cave one of them will be there to sell you what you crave. Sorry, but that's how I see it. Unless you do something different this time you will be right back here posting that you slipped, etc, or maybe you won't be back at all. Listen - I want you to understand what you're doing - you are throwing away precious moments that you could be spending with your family - time that you will never be able to get back, and you'll never forget and always regret that loss. I threw away over 15 years with my family. A stupid pill is so not worth what you're giving up.
K

[neveragainplease]

I was a secret addict too and I paid my own way too so I totally hear you. This place helped me so much. I've been sober for like 7, almost 8 weeks. The first part was hard but I'm glad that's over. You are a self motivated woman and I can hear it in your words that you intend to be successful, so keep coming back on. Hugs!

[jifmoc]

P.S.- I agree w/ the others I would absolutely tell your hubbie! There are other posts about this. People are just SO relieved after they unburden themselves to their loved ones about the "secret." I'm not saying your kids, but you and hubbie are in a partnership, can you trust he'll be supportive?

[jifmoc]

Hi, you're in the thick of it now. If it's not physical, it's mental!! Everyone on here keeps reminding me I'm expecting too much too soon. I wanna feel better now!!! Give yourself time to expect that you're gonna feel not so great physically or mentally and definitely not at day 2! Some sources say days 1 to 3 are the worst. And believe me, I know this is sooo hard, but can you remember that the cravings, desire to use, like you said, "your addict  brain talking" well, those are just feelings? Doesn't mean we have to ACT on every feeling we have. We're not used to discomfort, or we've forgotten how to deal w/ discomfort. Know what I mean? Thanks for your story, very relatable.

[lild713]

And same here if the pill's was here I will eat them tapering down isn't easy esp on this. Good luck!

[lild713]

Wow, Keep it going!!!!! It will end soon....

[LeaAnn807]

Hi!  I may have missed it, but have you told you husband at all?  I know that you got by with it because he didn't know, but have you said anything in the last couple of days to him?  It might help you to have some help at home?  I couldn't have done it without my husband to help.  

I've been through exactly what you are experiencing, and if you can stay busy, it will help immensely!  Sometimes that is hard to do with no energy, but if you can push through another couple of days, the worst will be over, as you know from before.  The mental stuff doesn't go away without some aftercare, so be sure you plan for that.  For now, keep yourself hydrated and busy and rest when you can.  Eat bland stuff and if you have gatorade or apple juice, that will help the leg cramps and RLS that you may have tonight.  I used a heating pad at night and when I would lie down, and it helped me.  I figured.....if I can feel heat instead of cramping and restless, I'd take the heat any day!

You'll get past this.  Just hang on a couple more days for the worst part!

[VICourageous]

Hi it sounds like you have been at this before? I can say even riding in my 9 months of using almost all of my life that the mental thing is the worst. I have to stay close to my aftercare and be around other clean people or it will put me in a bad way..Honestly is the best..Maybe you should let your family know..This is to hard not to have the family support..My Hub watched a few videos about this disease and he gave me so much support and time to heal. I always say on here that the detox is easy it is fighting the beast that is hard..Have you ever tried the meetings yet?? Any Support at all is good. I wish you well and stay with us we will be here. Even if I am fighting my own demons right now I try to stay close to this site too!!
Bless

[needhelp4ecacpm]

Just noticed a few more "Day 2" and "Neurontin for w/d help" on the board today :-) there's that glimmer of not being in this alone!