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Avatar universal

can't figure it out

I've been working with a therapist - thanks ibk for making me do this- and i still have no idea why i got to this place.  i never did drugs when i was younger - to frightened and chicken **** cuz i didn't know what was in them-ocd i guess;). and followed the set path i made for myself to succeed.  i have a great family, don't have to worry financially and i still want to escape- obviously.  i see some very strong people on here that put me to shame.  all the obstacles they have overcome- its amazing.  what the duck is wrong with me?

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Avatar universal
your'e story is my story hun.  i am the same way.  always careful, always mindful.  but with pills, all bets are off.  do i know why i need them?? no.  do i know why i want them? no.  it's a mystery.  maybe it's habit.  but i know it is insanity.  i used to be afraid of pills. my mom offered me an oxy for my back i told her no way.  those make me feel weird.  lol  i wish i had the same attitude now that i did back then. i am here for you hun.  you know this mayne!! lol  

t~
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Avatar universal
Thanks for responding.  i have been feeling very alone.  even with people around me i still feel alone
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1720423 tn?1390185068
I think that's probably the million dollar question. What the ducks wrong with all of us that we got here? If we could figure out the answer to that & market it, we would be rich! Lol. So, if you figure that out let me know & we'll get rich together! ;)
And you are never alone, you have many friends here who love & support you!
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271792 tn?1334979657
I used to feel lonely in a crowded room. You have it all and yet it isn't enough. I know the feeling.

Addict brains are wired differently. We don't have that "pleasure spot" that non-addicts have. The drugs give us the pleasure that we don't have normally.

I was in therapy about two years before I got to the core issues. I spent another year learning coping skills and ways to avoid triggers. I know you hate when I use this word but you need to give it time. Don't give up because your disease is waiting in the wings and egging you on whether you know it or not.

And oh yeah, btw...sending you hugs....
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Avatar universal
I'm right there with ya beautiful! Never did drugs/alcohol in HS for same reason. To this day I don't drink much afraid of the effects! Hahaha!  My Mom HUGE pill/pot addict! Still to this day have no real relationship with her. Couldn't and can't stand to be around her when she's high. I can always tell. When I was prescribed anything for minor surgeries I took maybe one and stashed the rest for years!  (No idea why, maybe the control freak in me) I never could understand addiction and why she would always choose drugs over me or watch her crumble through the years. Continuous disappointment. I actually never swore I'd never be like her because I just knew I wouldn't. Ha! If we could turn back time. Great, now that songs stuck in my head!!!
Anyway, sorry for hijacking your post love. Just completely relate. Except for the financial part. Was really banking on that lotto! Dangit. One number out of 35! That's my luck!
However, I think you're pretty neato! Don't let others make you feel less than your worth! You and a few others here have been my saving grace. So if you're  feeling like others put you down, know others hold you to the highest standard and you've saved quite a few lives. That my friend...is a big deal ;)
Muah!
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495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
It doesnt matter what others have gone thru.  All that matters is you.  Dont get into that thinking that your issues arent important.  As IBK said, time is your friend.  What the duck do you think of that?!!!
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1970885 tn?1435860428
I have to agree with IB...I have no reason to use; I know what it does to me, and I know how great life is clean, but I failed for over 15 years.
I have come to accept that I'm an addict - I use because I want to, and because I can.  Maybe there is something lurking deep down in my lizard brain, but I haven't been able to scare it up yet. Until that happens, if it ever does, I will just live one day at a time and not use. For me at least it's that simple.
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Avatar universal
Thanks for all the thoughtful responses.  its a little scary isn't it?!?  this constant battle going on in your brain.  but like everyone says- it gets easier over time and easier to combat.  its just scary feel like i will always haveto  fight this feeling that's inside me.
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495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Surrender to win~
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1692167 tn?1327539457
Its in all of us! It gets easier with time but never fully goes away. Thearpy and aftercare never helped me. It was my friends on here that keep me going. I'm glad we have a special place to go and realy talk to ppl who know what we are going thur and not a paid professional. But if it works for some ppl that's good. I just know it didn't for me. But u know know I'm am always here for u. I love u my friend.
Helpful - 0
1827057 tn?1397520277
I think the bulk of my problem lies in my genetic makeup.I am now fairly comfortable with the fact that there is no magical hidden issue that I need to address or discover.It also helps me to know that I can't change my dna so why worry about it all of the time.In alot of ways as Sarah said,I have surrendered.I also want to get high mainly because it feels good.As someone said above I think we are just wired differently because I know that there are people out there who have done horrible things and people who have had horrible things happen to them but they don't have addiction issues.I now am not bent on changing my thinking but am way more focused on changing my living.These changes in living seem to have a side effect of a change in my thinking.I now have two main triggers.A- too much bad stress and B-situations that make me feel bad about myself.I try to avoid those now.I know I am not cured but it is alot easier than it was when I was a junkie. Just hang in there.That's what all of us are doing.I think you are doing great and I know thinking too much really ***** the life out of us.
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Avatar universal
First of all, nothing is wrong with you!  
It is so crazy, I know!  I am surrounded by wonderful supportive friends and family who know my situation yet I feel so alone.
My therapist summed me up to just liking the way drugs make me feel.  DUH!
I absolutely cannot believe this is a lifelong battle or sentence.  I refuse to accept that it is.  I have to believe that in time it will get easier, kind of like losing a loved one.
Sorry, I know this wasn't helpful I just wanted to offer my support and let you know you aren't alone.
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Avatar universal
i totally smell what you are stepping in.  about it being a life long battle.  we weren't like this before, we don't have to be this way forever.  what the duck are we supposed to do??  worry about it every day for the rest of our lives??  i guess we could but i refuse to.  it is what it is.

I love all of my friends.  you are all a god send to me.
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1970885 tn?1435860428
I know that it gets easier to manage, and that's wonderful. But I do think that, at least for me, this will be something that I will have to be aware of for the rest of my life. The 15 years that I failed was a big chunk - and it took me that long (slow learner) to understand that I will not be able to beat the addiction. All I can hope for is to live with it - and not use.
Everyone's different. Maybe some of us will eventually lose the addictive behavior, I'm not sure. All I know is what I've decided for myself - as Sarah says, never let your guard down.
All the best...
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Avatar universal
agreed.
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1653969 tn?1390331661
I remember having a conversation a few years ago with my aunt who was an alcoholic and she had just reached the point she had finally been sober longer than she had drank and when asked if she missed or craved it her answer was everyday.  I think we do some real hard damage to our brains that takes along time to heal.i do find myself goin many days when I don't think about pills at all and those are honestly the times when I'm not around MH. I personally find if im in here too much i start thinking more and more about them .I wonder if we do more damage and longer term effects if we started in our teen years? We've all heard that our brain is still growing until our early twenties . But once again everyone is diffrent.
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1718855 tn?1401756839
It's tough, but cliches are cliches and time does heal all wounds...we just have to use that time wisely
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Avatar universal
Hey Easy Breezy, I swear you must be reading my diary. I feel just as you do. After having some solid clean time behind me and the initial rush of accomplishment achieved, I too am concerned about where the void lies in making a perfectly content (seemingly) person want to take mood altering toxins? So I go over the list...genetics? check....history? check...All I can say is staying busy and scheduled has helped me maintain. That idle hands/devils work seems to come into play if I have too much time. Like Ricart said, Find your triggers and stay clear of them. YOU have overcome such a great deal in your addiction and life situations and you never want to waste that for a 30 min escape or high. Remembering where I was and where I am now helps me stay on track, but like you I'd like more science and soultions to keep me in the game......Your not alone, just an amazing human being that is aware and honest enough to lay your thoughts out for support.  xx
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Avatar universal
Looks like i have a lot more work to do :(
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1718855 tn?1401756839
We all have work to do, regardless of our status as addicts or non addicts....that's life my dear, remember to just move forward
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Avatar universal
This is a great topic. I also feel I have no reason to use. It is just for the feeling. And that doesn't even last. I quit socially drinking  24 years ago and not drinking has felt normal for a long time--don't even ever think of it. But the last couple years I've had access via Internet to prescription meds (barbiturate in a migraine med). It is an escape from stressful feelings, and nothing is even going on out of the ordinary. This is the puzzling part. I like the advice about always being aware of the effects/damage if you use. Seems like my imagined stress is a huge trigger, at least for me.
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1801781 tn?1461629469
I had a lot of "reasons" as to why I let myself get sucked into the opiates.  My husband is bipolar and alcoholic, my back hurts, I found out at 57 I was adopted, I hated my job, etc. etc. etc.  Ultimately, I had to admit my pill use was because it numbed me so i did not care about anything.  My life was out of control and i did not really know it, until I started having panic attacks (even with the pills).  I knew then that I was horribly broken and only I could fix it.  Is life perfect now??  Nope... Is life batter now, Yep!  Do I miss the pills??  Sometimes.  Will I ever take them again??  All I know is that I did not take any today and tomorrow we will see.  You are not alone...our brain seems to like us alone..so the pills can be our only ":friend"!  Do I have an addictive personality??  You betcher bippy!  Food, ciggies, caffeine..you name it I have had to battle many addictions.  

You are not alone...but it sure can seem like it.  Keep fighting the good fight.  You are worth it and so am I!
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Avatar universal
how are you doing today my friend?
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Avatar universal
Addiction whether it be drugs or alcohol is actually proven to be genetically ingrained at birth. I have alcoholics on my mothers side and my biological father was a heavy crack/heroin user! I didn't know that my brain was already predisposed for addiction until I went to see a therapist! So yes it is harder for an addict with a family history but there are people out there that don't! I agree with IBK that time is the best thing for the cravings. I found that if I changed the behavior or avoid the situations that made me use it has been much easier! Best of luck and keep seeing the therapist, eventually he'll get to the heart of your issues! Hugs! Keri
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