I have to agree with IB...I have no reason to use; I know what it does to me, and I know how great life is clean, but I failed for over 15 years.
I have come to accept that I'm an addict - I use because I want to, and because I can. Maybe there is something lurking deep down in my lizard brain, but I haven't been able to scare it up yet. Until that happens, if it ever does, I will just live one day at a time and not use. For me at least it's that simple.
Thanks for all the thoughtful responses. its a little scary isn't it?!? this constant battle going on in your brain. but like everyone says- it gets easier over time and easier to combat. its just scary feel like i will always haveto fight this feeling that's inside me.
Its in all of us! It gets easier with time but never fully goes away. Thearpy and aftercare never helped me. It was my friends on here that keep me going. I'm glad we have a special place to go and realy talk to ppl who know what we are going thur and not a paid professional. But if it works for some ppl that's good. I just know it didn't for me. But u know know I'm am always here for u. I love u my friend.
I think the bulk of my problem lies in my genetic makeup.I am now fairly comfortable with the fact that there is no magical hidden issue that I need to address or discover.It also helps me to know that I can't change my dna so why worry about it all of the time.In alot of ways as Sarah said,I have surrendered.I also want to get high mainly because it feels good.As someone said above I think we are just wired differently because I know that there are people out there who have done horrible things and people who have had horrible things happen to them but they don't have addiction issues.I now am not bent on changing my thinking but am way more focused on changing my living.These changes in living seem to have a side effect of a change in my thinking.I now have two main triggers.A- too much bad stress and B-situations that make me feel bad about myself.I try to avoid those now.I know I am not cured but it is alot easier than it was when I was a junkie. Just hang in there.That's what all of us are doing.I think you are doing great and I know thinking too much really ***** the life out of us.
First of all, nothing is wrong with you!
It is so crazy, I know! I am surrounded by wonderful supportive friends and family who know my situation yet I feel so alone.
My therapist summed me up to just liking the way drugs make me feel. DUH!
I absolutely cannot believe this is a lifelong battle or sentence. I refuse to accept that it is. I have to believe that in time it will get easier, kind of like losing a loved one.
Sorry, I know this wasn't helpful I just wanted to offer my support and let you know you aren't alone.