Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
Avatar universal

close to the edge

I am really close to slitting my wrists.  I see no other option.  I am at day 17 clean of a year addiction to vicodin and I am feeling so incredibly bad that I feel as though I can not go on. I feel that my family will be so much better off without me and I feel that this will never go away.  Everyone tells me that it gets better, but yet it seems to be getting worse. I have tried exercising and vitamins and everything but nothing is working. This is no way to live.  Someone out there please offer me some hope and reason to live before it is too late. I am at the edge.
28 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
Avatar universal
I can think of a hundred reasons to live !! you named a few yourself.. your family.. it sounds like you are having a rough go with depression from wd. take a deep calming breath and then another.. you will be ok sometimes we expect so much so soon after putting out brains and body through hell.. Please be patient with yourself. this will pass in time. if you can go see a Dr. and ask about a antidepressant maybe this would help for a few months. others have done this and received great benefit.. remember to take time out for yourself to be alone. do not expect to be able to do everything right away and remember always how much your family loves you and Yes needs you. congrats on 17 days that is awesome.. My heart was still pounding out of my chest with anxiety at that stage.. You will get through this Breath.. lesa
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
thanks Lesa...I have been on an anti depressant for about 3 weeks now...when did this end for you?  I spend most of my days alone, do you think I need more interaction? that only stresses me out more though...
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Please don't even think like that. We have our entire lives to work through our addictions, but suicide is permanent. Have you sought professional help?  No one will be better off without you. Don't think like that. I wish you luck and hope you start to feel better soon.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It takes awhile for antidepressants to take effect.. it took a lil over a month for me to start to calm down and even then I had my moments.. being alone a lot is difficult in like what do you do with your time. I know I have been a stay at home mom forever it seems and have spent many a day alone.. maybe finding a hobby for yourself would help. I did and it really has made a difference in my days :) You could pick up some AA or NA meetings during the day that would be good for support and socialization and not so stressful as everyone has been where you are and we do not have to hide things. most of all time enough to heal and allow our Natural feel good endorphins flowing again. I hope this passes for you very soon.. life really is very good when we stop to hear the birds sing :))
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Its going to get better. Think you were taking Vicodin for 365 days, now you've been of for 17(which is awesome) your body just needs to remember how it functioned without vicodin. Other things like are you going cold turkey, or you stopped a methadone treatment program...
There is alot to take in to account. But the first and most important is you don't want this life anymore, the one of drugs and sickness etc.
I've been on methadone for 7 years, when optimal time frame is 1/12-2 yrs.
I was still using but this last year and some i've been clean of everything. An down to 38mg and dropping.
Have you thought about something to help, like meth to tapper or are you cold turkeying it?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Please hang in there. It does get better. I felt so depressed like I wanted to end my life too in the beginning. I knew I wouldn't but I felt like it.It does get better. You just have to give yourself time to heal and sometimes that's longer than what we expect. I am 113 days clean and I still have alot of bad days, but the good days will come more and more the longer you are clean. Just be patient.
Helpful - 0
198154 tn?1337787265
suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

This too shall pass...
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I hear your pain.  I do not post much on any of the boards since I really can't add too much to what others say or have said.  Many have more experience than I do.

I looked through your posts and what really hit me as something that could (and I say could) be making you experience suicidal ideation is the seroquel.  You have been on that for less than a month and that drug itself has it's own issues.  One of them is suicidal ideation.  

I would encourage you to do your homework on seroquel.  Google www.askapatient.com and see what others experiences on this drug have been.  Weight gain is another thing this drug will do.

I understand depression and suicide ideation very well.  Drugs always have a downside to them.  Including SSRIs, anti anxiety drugs, antipsychotics, etc.  I found that depression is one of the withdrawal effects I hate but will not medicate.  

Depression and anxiety IMO seem to hit women hard.  Especially if they are over 35+.  Things that may add to depression are alcohol, benzos, a lot of the new drugs on the market dispensed for depression, hormones or lack, poor diet, lack of exercise, and not getting out in the sun.  

Many doctors feel the need to give you something.  Instead it might be a good to listen to you, hear your pain and give you reassurance.  Also, going to some type of support group would help.  

Have you ever heard a doctor say t.i.d?  Three times a day for drugs is one of the ways drugs may be taken.  I would say, "take a walk three times a day".  That would be a great tool.

Good Luck!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
the anti d's are often known to make matters seem worse before they build up in the blood levels. There are some that work better than others, and everyone is different when it comes to how effective they may be.  If your feeling so bad that checking out is a real option in your mind then go to the ER and tell them!  There is no reason to be suffering needlessly when help is available.
Helpful - 0
1046832 tn?1255008262
You do have reasons to live !!!! Please do not give up on life and your family They would not be better off with out you! Because living with the loss of someone you love is more painful than any thing that they've been through with your addiction !!! I agree with sid3  seek help now do not wait go to ER !!! Please Please do not do any thing to your self It will get better but you have got to get you some help I will be praying for you !!! Please do not give up you can make it !! there is help here and there is help for you outside this forum !! if you ever need someone to talk to i am here !!               momloves54
Helpful - 0
52704 tn?1387020797
I spent a long time thinking that killing myself was simply the best and only good option to the mess I had created.  As I tried to explain to a counsler once, "I'm NOT suicidal, I have simply figured out that it would be best for everyone if I were dead."

That assertion had actually made sense to me, but saying it outloud it sure sounded like "hello, I'm suicidal."  

I have since learned that thinking of (or planning or attempting) suicide is just another part of the disease of addiction.  There can be no mistake about what the beast wants - the disease of addiction wants you dead.  One way or another, it wants to kill you.

Most of the people I know now, outside of work, are in recovery.  All of them, every single one, went through periods in the latter part of their using or drinking where death seemed like the only rational choice.

There were many days where it was necessary for me to use "one day at a time" not to just not-using, but to not killing myself too.  There were many, many days in early recovery when I "realized" that I just couldn't go any longer without using, that I had been fooling myself all along, and that I was an idiot for thinking that it would be possible for me to stay clean.  On those day I'd be forced to say "F it, I'm going to use . . . TOMORROW, but not today."  

I had to do the same thing with the need to kill myself.

The whole "one day at a time" thing is worth really thinking about.  For the longest time I thought it was nothing more that a stupid trick for stupid people, much like setting your watch ahead so you wouldn't be late anymore.  Well, that might work if I didn't know my watch was fast, but I'm not an idiot so I will know it's fast and I'm not going to be fooled by what the watch says . . . I'll know what time it really is.

Likewise, I knew that when idiots kept telling me "one day at a time," they were really talking about FOREVER and I already knew that I CAN'T NOT-USE FOREVER.

It finally clicked for me in my second rehab.  A counselor, in recovery herself, asked me "why are you so afraid of relapsing?"  I told her "because I ALWAYS relapse . . . sooner or later, I always relapse.  She asked "are you going to use TODAY?"  I said, "well, no.  I'm not going to use today.  But you don't understand . . . sooner or . . . ."  She interrupted me "no, YOU don't understand.  If you're not going to use today, then you're doing everything you can possibly do, you're doing everything that anyone can ask of you. We don't worry about tomorrow, or next week or next month.  We can only worry about TODAY and if you don't use TODAY, you're doing exactly what you need to be doing."  

I was stunned.  A switch had been flipped.  I said "Oh my God!  Do you mean that when you guys say 'one day at a time,' you REALLY mean one day at a time?"
I still think of the smile on her face as she nodded at me and said "yeah, we REALLY mean it."

That made all the difference for me.  Before, I was someone who was temporarily clean, because I knew that sooner or later I was probably going to relapse.  I was a failure just wating for the actual event to happen.  

But just-like-that, I was no longer a failure.  Instead, I was a success.  If I was not using TODAY, I was doing 100% of what was required of me.  Suddenly, I was doing it . . . I was succeeding at recovery.

For me, the difference between walking around as a failure-waiting-to-happen and walking around as a success, made all the difference.

CATUF
Day 1,594
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Your feelings are real and serious. This site is not enough help right now! Please tell someone near you how you feel. Go right into the local emergency room and tell them you are afraid that you might try to kill yourself and need help.

We have all been there and survived. Right now you need to get to a safe place with lots of emotional support right at hand!!!!!

Remember things ALWAYS GET BETTER, IF YOU DON"T DO ANYTHING TO MAKE IT WORSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Helpful - 0
1047946 tn?1332608029
You have received some great advice so far. Many of us have thought the same way. We have to realize this is our addiction talking! There is plenty of help out there and you should not be ashamed to seek the help. That is why it's there. Like someone said above, this forum is not enough right now. I lost my sister about 3 years ago and have seen first hand what death can do to a family. Just think of the pain and suffering you will put them through. I know it seems like your suffering may be worse, but it is not the true you thinking right now. These pills are evil and will do all they can to destroy our lives. We have to remember, they don't just destroy our lives, but also the ones around us. We are all have our purpose here on earth, we just have to find it. The world is a better place with you here whether your realize it right now or not. Please know that it will get better. Please dig deep and find your purpose. It will happen and life will get much better with time. Please talk to a doctor, a friend, anyone. You will be surprised how much help and support you will get. You know you have many reasons to live. Hang in there and keep fighting. It is worth every second of it!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Hi Tphelp,

You have gotten some really great advice and I agree that you may be on the wrong antidepressant....call you doctor on Monday (if it can wait) but if you still feel like hurting yourself then you can go to your nearest emergency room and tell them exactly what is happening.

Suicide is a permenant solution for a temporary problem. Hang in there and keep talking with us....

Jules
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
As a 25 + year coke addict, I feel you on this one. I have thought and contemplated suicide many a time. Even went so far as to check out life insurance suicide clauses. thought that if I got a few hundred g's worth of life insurance, waited out the suicide clause, then did it.... my kids n wife would have a tona cash n no addict to deal with. then I was informed ( correctly i might add) that theres no amount of money that can make your family happier than they are by having you in their lives. keep your chin up, as every one here says... it does get better.
Much luv
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You've gotten some great responses but I wanted to add a bit of my 2cents. Looking at my life from the outside, you'd probably think I have a perfect life! I'm 29 years old, professional female with a great job, great husband, living in a great home, planning a family...etc. I've been 8 months cleaned from hydrocodone. I started using it because of the way it made me feel. My husband got them for his back injury and I started taking them for my menstrual cramps...next thing I know, I was just this superwoman! I would get 5 loads of laundry done, get groceries, do all the cooking for the week, , clean the entire house, detail our cars, groom my cat...you name it! I'd finish a whole weeks work in one day! I'm sure some of you know what I mean? But, I knew that could not be my way of life forever and I wanted to have a family and be normal again. So, after using it for 6 months I decided to quit cold turkey. See, the physical part of the WD was bad but I could deal with it...the mental part was what got me! I was so depressed and anxious! I really didn't feel like living anymore. But, I knew it was going to pass. You need to keep telling yourself that this is going to pass. Don't give up! You will get through this! Don't let the depression get to you. Go for a walk/run, go online, watch your favorite tv shows, help other overcome their addiction...find a purpose. You'll be ok.
Helpful - 0
662972 tn?1270166301
I have sent you a private message in your in box. It's on your profile page at top right. Check when you get chance.

Helpful - 0
1078103 tn?1256779401
tphelp,
getting off of opiates is a very tough thing to do, however i promise you that ending your life will not help things. Today is my first day without opiates, i was on hydrocodone for 3 years, and then methadone for 5 1/2, so i know im going to be sick as hell and im probably going to feel like ****, but its part of life.  We as addicts are selfish people, and don't feel bad about thoughts like these as just about everyone i have known, they have thought this while going through withdrawal.

I know it may sound stupid, but you have a great start, you said you have 17 days clean so you ARE A STRONG person obviously.  Keep working on your sobriety and each day will get better. Surround yourself with positive people.
Helpful - 0
1034192 tn?1445509784
You are in my prayers!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
close to the edge...please, don't do that...I think we all know what you're feeling..but, it will pass...you need some strong support...you need someone close to help you see the light at the end of this thing....isnt there someone you can call?  I know when i've felt that way....it was hard...but talking to someone...anyone...always helped a lot.   Addiction is a horrible thing..look what it has done to all of us...what we put ourselves through....none of us intended for this to happen...but, now we have to deal with the results...find someone...or...GET ON YOUR KNEES AND PRAY...WHEN NO ONE ELSE IS THERE,   GOD IS....HES ALWAYS THERE.....DON'T GIVE UP....
Helpful - 0
401095 tn?1351391770
Most people who do sumpin like suicide/would not have done it had they slept on it..tomorrow is another day..it hurts those u leave behind..my randfather shot himself in the head and my mom found him..me being a nurse had to clean up the mess as it took us 2 days before my mom found him..the guilt and stuff he caused my mom made me angry in a way...i felt guilty too even tho i did try to visit..it is an awful feeling for those u leave behind..dont do it!

U r in a doomer mood right now..been there and done that..I also live alone/detoxed here alone....getting out to the gym daily helped alot and going to meetings daily did a ton of good for me..plus posting here ALOT during the whole ordeal

Are you going to aftercare?  meetings r free and AA or NA are everywhere...google the sites and find a meeting..get up and MOVE..u r excercising u said//or tried it?? This is sumpin u need to do whenever u feel this yucky...hit the street and walk..dance to music like domino does...go to the gym...clean out a closet or a drawer..just do sumpin to make urself occpied

ADs usually dont kick in for a month as mentioned...and it also has to be the right one for u...ssri's are what they usually give people due to the least amount of side effects...if u r not seratonin deficient they will not do a whole lot....if u r dopamine deficient then they wont help much....give it a month tho and if there is no improvement tell ur dr and try sumpin else

The aminos do help/well they did for me..but u gotta take the recommended doses....r u taking 2000 mgs of tyrosine and phenylalnine (SP) a day?...just those 2 are8 pills a day cos they come in 500 mgs...powdered form from Bulk nutrition is a easier/i mixed it with EmergenC (walmart) and chugged it 3 times a day in divided doses..C is important right now cos people tend to gett sick alot after detox/takes alot out of u to wd from drugs...double check and be sure u r taking the recommended amounts...since u r on an AD/if it is an SSRI like zoloft or lexapro/then 50 mgs of 5 htp is what u need at night before bed and not the recommended 100mgs

Also/if u r not sleeping u need to adress that wwith ur dr and get a safe med for sleep/phenergan help alot and is safe/plus there r lots of OTC drugs/supps like benadryl, valerian root, melatonin...lack of  sleep makes us weak...

keep posting...day by day right now...be sure u get the support u need
Helpful - 0
1041953 tn?1259072690
There is not much I can add to the wonderful advice you've already been given.  But, I would like to add this.... my sister-in-law lost her brother to suicide years and years ago.  There's not a single day that his self-inflicted death does not alter her day in a negative way.  She's plagued with guilt in so many ways - as an R.N., why didn't she see the signs that something very serious was amiss; why was their aging, frail mother the one to find him in their basement, why, why, why?  I know I am asking you to look at the situation from a self-less position, not a self-centered one, but it bears a deep, hard look.  And, the self-centered implication is not meant to be hurtful. Being self-centered is a hugely human tendency.  We all do it.

Finally, pray and pray and pray some more.  I will do some praying for you myself.  It WILL get better, if only you'll let it.
Helpful - 0
1047946 tn?1332608029
How are you hanging in there today tphelp? I pray your thoughts from yesterday have passed and this new is a better one for you. Each day will get better and better. Keep on fighting as it is so worth it! We are all here for you during these tough times!
Helpful - 0
1015921 tn?1251709372
I actually had a plan in place. Had to euthanize the pets first so they wouldn't suffer. Figured out how I would do it. Overdose of course.

Then I just started telling myself, "bad brain chemistry, not real" over and over. This worked for me. That and releasing the incredible rage I had built up. I've heard it said that depression is anger turned on yourself.

Of course that left quite a few people in the dust so can't really recommend it.

Don't rely on internet help. Get real help. Professional help.
Helpful - 0
2
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community

Top Addiction Answerers
495284 tn?1333894042
City of Dominatrix, MN
Avatar universal
phoenix, AZ
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.