unfortunately i needed to come close to over dosing to wake my stubborn butt up, but i am back on track, confessed my sins and sealed the cracks. My addict brain was mad i assume that i wasn't feeding it opiates for 60 days or so, so what do i do, mix the benzo with the booze, BAD idea, stupid i was just stupid is all i can say. Its ridiculous that i have to get that low and that close to OD to wake up, so i count myself as lucky to be alive and i am here back and fighting the beast of addiction. I tapered off the Ativan(benzo) and went to my shrink and handed her the rest of the pills and we flushed together, i am currently 5 days now benzo free. I did a fast taper as i cant trust myself to have pills as i know i would have taken them. So other than anxiety and RLS i am doing ok. I am finally learning that i am an addict and i still want that high and i am still hiding from life, well, i am still in therapy and i WILL get this all fixed, i am not giving up, i know this is a lifetime battle, but i am going to just take it one day at a time. Thank you Vicki for giving me the wake up call i needed, the tough love or the cussing me out, i needed it.....what a process this is, i am learning everyday about this disease, and the one thing i know now for a fact, i am an addict, as much as i hate to say it, i have finally come to terms with it. Yep i am a slower learner but i am getting there. So even know i had 10 months opiate free and blew it on New Years, i am taking it as a lesson and moving forward, so back to 2 months, but i learned, guard must always be up and that i know if there are pills anywhere that i am aware of, i cant be there, because i would find away to get them. So my goal is to get to the point in my life that i can see a pill and say screw that i don't want you, i am a long way from that, but one day i will get there, baby steps, is all i can say.