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coming to terms....

unfortunately i needed to come close to over dosing to wake my stubborn butt up, but i am back on track,  confessed my sins and sealed the cracks.  My addict brain was mad i assume that i wasn't feeding it opiates for 60 days or so, so what do i do, mix the benzo with the booze, BAD idea, stupid i was just stupid is all i can say.  Its ridiculous that i have to get that low and that close to OD to wake up, so i count myself as lucky to be alive and i am here back and fighting the beast of addiction.  I tapered off the Ativan(benzo) and went to my shrink and handed her the rest of the pills and we flushed together, i am currently 5 days now benzo free.  I did a fast taper as i cant trust myself to have pills as i know i would have taken them.  So other than anxiety and RLS i am doing ok.  I am finally learning that i am an addict and i still want that high and i am still hiding from life, well, i am still in therapy and i WILL get this all fixed, i am not giving up, i know this is a lifetime battle, but i am going to just take it one day at a time.  Thank you Vicki for giving me the wake up call i needed,  the tough love or the cussing me out, i needed it.....what a process this is, i am learning everyday about this disease, and the one thing i know now for a fact, i am an addict, as much as i hate to say it, i have finally come to terms with it.  Yep i am a slower learner but i am getting there.  So even know i had 10 months opiate free and blew it on New Years, i am taking it as a lesson and moving forward, so back to 2 months, but i learned, guard must always be up and that i know if there are pills anywhere that i am aware of, i cant be there, because i would find away to get them.  So my goal is to get to the point in my life that i can see a pill and say screw that i don't want you, i am a long way from that, but one day i will get there, baby steps, is all i can say.
9 Responses
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4204073 tn?1361831476
Glad to hear you are still among us.  Like they say, the next pill might be your  last one.  And you learned how easy it is to substitute one drug for another still seeking a high or escape.  Sounds like you have an excellent therapist.  Baby steps...ha..reminds me of the Bill Murray movie "What about Bob".  If you haven't seen it, check it out.  It's hilarious!!!   Take care and keep us posted on your progress.   We care.  
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Avatar universal
Too funny YesLife...I think about that movie everyday during this whole lousy, but worthwhile process...see Bill Murray with his goldfish hanging from his neck just saying..."baby steps"!!!
Helpful - 0
2107198 tn?1336136106
Sorry to hear you hit a rough patch.  Sounds like your doing the right things, hang in there and keep fighting.  I too am in therapy, and it just seems I am a narcissist who just liked getting high, nothing too traumatic.

You can do it Dana, keep trying.

Bryan
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1827057 tn?1397520277
Glad You are ok Dane !!   keep moving forward.   :)
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3120424 tn?1347170032
Hi Dana...isn't it crazy what we will do?! Addicted and rationalization just don't mix. Your post sounds honest and positive and it seems like you are in a good place now...you can do it!
Helpful - 0
3197167 tn?1348968606
Welcome back girl.....reading this above says VOLUMES about your progress, "The one thing I know now for a fact, I am an addict, as much as I hate to say it, I have finally come to terms with it."

Admitting......that's been a booger for you.  That stubborness you admit to has succombed to surrender and it takes what it takes, ya know? You're growing leaps and bounds even when it doesn't FEEL like it.  That HOW it works deal....honest, openmindedness, willingness is growing and growing in you.  It takes a LONG time when we plant a seed in the ground to see the fruits of what we are planting.  And the "tough sh*t" is the fertilizer!  

I read once, the only way to avoid mistakes is to gain experience.  The only way to gain experience is to make mistakes.  That's how I learn.

Maybe it's because I had such a postive experience the first time I attended an all women's meeting that I keep wishing that for you.  The variety of women, the support and love.....and ALL are women from every walk of life trying to live their lives free of active addiction.  Maybe your therapist even knows of one you could try at some point.  It's scary at first to go, but there's a kindrid spirit friend just waiting for you to enter the door.

Thank you for coming back and sharing on the forum....finding the courage to become vulnerable.  Many never do that.   I'm SO proud of your progress and love you gobs!!
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Avatar universal
You sound much better...NOW BE A GOOD GIRL!

And I'll never give up on you...xoxo
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Avatar universal
Thank you all for all the support, this is a learning experience for sure, and i am learning slow i might add...LOL  Connie, i too only learn from making mistakes is gaining experience, and i also know i am lucky that i didn't take it too far.  Just feeling blessed.
Helpful - 0
4341997 tn?1514588688
glad you are doing better!!  a very inspirational post!  thanks for that!  we all live and learn in the process!! :)  
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