I hate this struggle

[winthewar]

Here I go again thought I was doing so good making my script last now with 10 days to go I am out and begging the only person I no to get anything from if I can buy some subs to hold me over cause I am the only income in my house right now and can't go into withdrawals not sure how to quit or taper when I keep taking just to get threw each day.  I have so many responsibilities and need to be there e for my kids and grandkids so I keep taking I thought I was doing better but I was playing mind games on myself and I'm so tired of it I need help but have no idea what my first step should even be any suggestions. I am taking 8 to 10 norcos 10/325 a day more if they become available and been doing this for about 9 years now I'm so tired of it.  

[winthewar]

I agree I need help I have been doing something to numb myself since I can remember.  Sorry for posting here and venting I just want something to click for me so I can stop this cycle.  But I didn't mean to make anyone upset by me posting and not truly being in recovery or detox or whatever sorry.

[vicki595]

NeverAgain: You didn't really mean to address that last post to me did you?

Winthewar: Are you just looking for coping advice until your next appt. and refill?  If you truly want this to end you might think about talking to your doctor and asking him for help.  You're going to need a lot of support to do this.

[NeverAgain127]

I'd like to make a comment about kratom.  My cousin is using it, and I did a bunch of research about it.

It is a bush that grows in Asia, and most is coming from Indonesia right now.  It appear so to be a narcotic, but milder than oxy or hydrocone.  There is a withdrawal syndrome associated with it.

THAT however is not what scares me about it.  Here is what DOES:

1. There are anecdotal reports about liver injury, even after just one use.
2. This DRUG (which it is) has not been studied, put thru clinical trials, or double-blind controls, compared with placebos, been tested for purity, strength, carcinogens, or adverse affects on the blood, lymph or major organ systems.
3. Furthermore, it is being harvested in 3rd world countries that still use leaded gasoline, put in bundle to dry, most likely in barns or sheds where who knows WHAT other contaminants may be added to the crop.
4. Pesticides:  Kratom is a fad right now; and poor farmers are selling the stuff as fast as they can produce it.  The idea that they might be using PESTICDES, whether safe or not, is very possible, almost a certainty.

I know a lot is wrong with big Pharma, and I would feel safer putting a substance in my body if I knew exactly what is was.   Taking Kratom is playing Russian Roulette with your body, your health, your future.    

If you do have some weird health affect, how would doctors know how to treat it, when 90% of them don't even know what kratom is?  Or what was in the batch you happened to ingest?

Ok, sorry for the soapbox rant.      

[vicki595]

Take what you want Terri but I wouldn't recommend Kratom to people. It has it's own set of withdrawal associated with it and it's consumption is difficult for an addict to control.  If you're going to take THIS you're better off taking your DOC and just tapering off to avoid the harsher wd's.

[jifmoc]

*I meant if there was a safe, side-effect FREE way of detoxing the whole world would be doing it.

[jifmoc]

NO! Kratom is horrible. After one is done w/ it, they have to withdraw from THAT. Trust us, if there was a safe, side-effect way of withdrawing, the whole world would be doing it. There is a saying that if something makes us go from sick as a dog to energy and well-being....then it's probably a drug.

Ain't no quick fixes for this...we all wish there were.

Winthewar- you know what to do: cancel ALL your contacts, go thru wds (using thomas recipe), suffer thru them, and go to aftercare. It's not easy, but it's simple.

[winthewar]

That sounds very interesting is it like a weight training thing? Do you drink it?  Does it help you make it threw the day?

[winthewar]

Hey I have apologized to my daughter for the 100th time tonight for being so ugly to her last night she is the best kid and I truly seem to attack her when I'm in my bad place which I hate.  I don't know why I get so igly.  I need to get this all out for some reason today I have been an addict all my life I had a large meth problem for a little over 10 years and when I got pregant with my youngest I quit told my obgyn and never looked back but after I had her I found I had alot of back pain and took a few percs to help well that was a great feeling and I went and asked my doctor for pain pills to help with my back and neck pain well th at was 9 years ago he makes me come in every month and check in and fills my script not once has he ever mentioned slowing down or stopping the pills.  I have never told him that they never last long I just find pills to cover the time from a few freinds that charge me quite a bit for pills proably 400 a month a spend.  Well that wasn't a problem but pills are becoming more and more of a problem to find and I hate feeling like a junkie well honestly I am a junkie and I hate that I do this.  Today I found some suboxone to help me threw tell my appointment last month I was detoxing for 7 days then took a few subs to get threw tell visit.  This is a vicious cycle I keep going on over and over I have to put a end to it.  I don't get high I just feel normal I have always worked and provided for my family no matter what drug I was doing at the time but this is not NORMAL and I am so tired and right now I am rambling but all of this is all I think about lately like 24/7 pills my cycle and what I should do about it.  It's like a song skipping over and over in my head and has me feeling crazy lately.  Sorry but for some reason it helps to get it out in words.  I no the solution is to quit and get this done I just need to say enough lori.  Or I feel I'm gonna end up in the loony pen.

[pillguy]

Using pills is not sustainable.  Sooner or later it comes to an end, one way or another.  There will never be the perfect time to quit.  Only you can decide when.  It's not going to be painless but the rewards are as good as it gets.

[winthewar]

You guys really give me hope one of my biggest things is I seem to bf et very mean when I have no pills i can be so hateful and I don't want or mean to be but it effects everyone in my home again another excuse I need to learn to control.  My kids and hisband no I have a problem with my pills i guess I need to just do it.  Will check vacation and see when this might be doable but I'm so scared honestly.

[Cricketk92]

Hi and welcome!  Your post sure rings lots of bells with me!  Norco was my drug of choice also and was on them for about 7 years.  Yes, the running out and the anxiety/panic about where to get them no matter what it took!  Yes, my life appeared "manageable and functional" on the outside but inside I was dying!  I was just a shell of a person and didnt even remember who I was before all the years of my alcohol and drug use began!
I know that it is scary to think about life without them and about quitting!  I too only have one income and didnt know how to manage but in the end that was just an excise for me to keep on using!  I did manage...I made the decision...took some time off from work and just jumped!!!  No it wasnt fun but it was so worth it!!!
I agree with what was said above about getting active!  I walked the dog a few times a day during my first week no matter how I felt!  Then went back to work and made it through!  
You CAN do it!!!!  When you are ready to jump we will all be here for you to help you through!!!
Keep on posting and letting us know how you are getting on!!!

[qpatty]

I have been right where you are more times than I could count. It was a continual thing in my life for years-over 15 to be exact. I, too, thought that I could never get off norco (16/day, 10/325's) because my kids and grandkids needed me. Every time I ran out I thought well I'm really gonna do this thing and get off these and then I would make the excuse of oh I can't because my daughter needs my help with the kids this week. So off I would go to buy them off the street cause my script had run out 2 weeks early. I spent money I did not have over and over again. Or my other daughter would be coming in for the weekend and I would justify that i don't get to see her that often so I didn't want to be sick. My excuses were immeasurable and I believed every one of them with my heart and soul.

65 days ago I said enough is enough! Best decision I have ever made. I can't believe it has been 65 days free of opiates. It is an amazing feeling. Do I still have tough days? Absolutely. Are they worse than the god-awful feeling of knowing I was going to run out and not knowing if I was going to be able to find any or afford them if I did find them. Hell NO!

You can break free of these pills, you just have to want to. That is all it takes. The rest will happen. It is not easy and some days in the beginning, it really *****. But in reality it is just a short moment in your life and your life on the other side will be so worth it.

And I will not give you false hope. Having been on them for 9 years, it will take a few months to really start to feel better but you will be absolutely functional after the first 5 to 7 days. As a matter of fact the more active you are (even if you feel like you can't) from day 1, the sooner you will recover. With a few exceptions, I forced myself to continue with my life after 3 days no matter how awful I felt and haven't looked back. It wasn't easy but I think it played a huge part in my recovery. If you lay around and dwell on it (which I did once in a while) it made it worse and made it all larger than life and harder to deal with. I told everyone in my life what I was doing. So if I was at a family event or grandkids' sporting event and wasn't myself, they all knew why and were very supportive. I became an open book with those I loved and trusted. I thought they would all be ashamed of me but instead I discovered a wealth of love and support.

Sorry for the long post, you can do this and many people on here will answer any and all questions you have along the way.

[refills]

Yep, I hear you. We all do. That's no way to live the premium years of your life. You need to take a stand. Congratulations on wanting to get sober. Now you need to act on it. Wanting to comes in a very wide variable of degrees. CAN YOU? Yes of course you can. I have six grand kids with loving parents that are my children. I was throwing away these precious years. I wanted to change and now I'm on my way, 8 months counting. You need to read other threads in this community. There will be plenty of help on the way. Put together a plan on detoxing. Can a doctor help? You may be surprised that your doctor may be relieved once you approach him/her. This goes along with cutting your supply. Can your family help? Make a plan for withdrawals and for aftercare. NA?AA? or any type that fits you right now. Are we starting today? I feel that you may be better off with this off your chest. The more people I told the more determined I was to "get better". You can do this. Keep posting and let us know what's going on as much as possible. Norcos are not my drug of choice so I hesitate to give advice. Although i just took some recently for pain. I hated them. You can do this! Great Luck to you.....ike