crack addicted husband

[confusedandhurt61]

I have been with my husband for 5 years now.  Recently, we moved to TX where he is from.  Three days after moving here he started smoking crack.  I was totally blown out of the water by this.  He had never used any kind of drugs the whole time we had been together.  Come to find out from his family, he has been a crack addict for about 20 years!  He had to leave TX to get himself clean.  I didn't know, and took a job smack dab in the middle of his "old stomping grounds" and as soon as the plane landed, he went looking.  I know I will never ever in a million years understand the need for it.  His actions are bizarre, and I just keep trying to make sense of it all.  I am probably still a little in denial since this just hit me three months ago.  How can a person go for 5 years without it and all of a sudden I can't turn my back on him for a minute.  He told me yesterday, "I am what I am and I'm an addict.  That is all I will ever be".  It seems like he has already made up his mind to live the "addict lifestyle".  I feel like a horrible person if I walk out on him, but I can't stand to see him act that way.  He always does it at home, and I have to sit and watch him peek around corners at me for hours.  I can't take it any more.  HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[confusedandhurt61]

j34, I know what u mean!!  His words say one thing, but his actions do another.  Just a series of lies to get what he wants in the end.  Right now we are both really sick with the flu.  We haven't felt like doing anything.  I will check back when I am feeling a little better.  Thanks to all who have supported me through this!!

[j34]

one thing I can tell you is I am an addict and all I ever did was lie, use ,cheat and steal , anything I said was bs and I sucked EVERYBODY dry and when you were done with me I walkded away without even looking back or caring if you lived or died , i am self centered to the core, that is the core of my addiction ...wish I could tell you different that all will change and such but as the as the course of addiciton goes.....get out while you can and he is an adult  WORDS are words ACTION is action ...us addicts all like to tell you what you want to hear but we will always do what we want .dont believe him let him show you by aciton..take care of yourself okay that is the only way to help him letting him go ..you might just be savin his life ...all the best

[confusedandhurt61]

Sorry I haven't been on much lately.  I have had that nasty flu-bug that is going around.  Hi Patrick!  Happy to see u made it to the Aloha state safely!  Yes, I agree with all of you.  I believe he is in a pretty deep state of denial.  He doesn't want to talk about it at all.  He knows he has no way to buy any until payday.  I was so interested in what Patrick said about the receptors in his brain not being able to completely feel joy and elation.  I see that in him so much.  Kimberly...wow.  You are sooooo toally on-spot about being the matyr!!  I was just thinking about that yesterday.  I am so wrapped up in him and his problems that I think I am obsessing over it.  I am like a time bomb just ticking away waiting for the explosion.  Since he is 7 days clean, he is feeling a little animosity towards me.  He seems to be a little upset because I talk to you guys on this website.  He finds it odd that I need any support when he is the one with the addiction.  I told him that he needs to get on here then, and talk to ppl.  He said nothing else after that.......

[Kimberly Sue]

Got back into town last night, wanted to check in with you today. Sounds like it has been a challenging weekend! I'm sure you are feeling a great deal of weight on your shoulders...but you can do something about it. You need to get some help for yourself and stop worrying about whether he is going to get help or not. I applaud your efforts to talk things out with him, and to encourage him to get clean....but it sounds like he has a way to go before anything or anyone is more important than his next score. When I started counseling for my co-dependency, I was so angry when someone said I was sicker than my addict. How dare they? Didn't they realize the sacrifices I had made to take care of him, didn't they realize that I was only doing what I had to do to keep our marriage and family together? Oh....they were so right. Those of us who are actively co-dependent are getting something out of the addiction as well. It takes a lot of responsiblity away from us, because we have the excuse of having to deal with our addict. We are magnificent martyrs! We suffer more than our addicts...and we are not even using drugs/alcohol!!! At least they have that excuse for their behavior. What is our excuse? For me, the bottom line was that I was "addicted" to my husband's addictive behavior...and therefore feeding into it with all of my listening, helping, talking, etc, etc.
When you are ready, you will have your own recovery to go through. Try to find something that is in a group format. I didn't do well with Al-Anon, but found excellent counseling through a community social service agency. There is definately a humbling experience when you accept your own dependency. You need support, and maybe living with your kids for a while to get back on your feet will be a good move for you.
For me, the most important part was that I had to learn I could never go back to him....we were toxic to each other. Fortunately (?)....he never really tried to get clean...which made it easier for me to stay focused on my life and my needs, dreams, plans, etc. I had not really built any of those for myself....because it was all about him. Without him, I returned to college, developed a successful career, found out who I was as a woman and an individual, and took total responsibility for my life and my choices. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, once I got past the initial year or two of getting "sober" myself.
I wish you the strength to make the decisions that are right for you.
Blessed B

[PinPinPatrick]

Hi I made it! I have internet access and I wanted to know about how you're doing.

About the tapering No... absolutely not, Crack is definitely not a drug that you 'taper yourself off.  I could see that for opiates, alcohol, benzos... but not crack.  Crack is a binge drug and addicts will always just keep using until their supply is used up.  He's just making excuses.  And yes I agree with iBKleen... tapering with crack just leads to more use and more destruction... How can you taper with something where you already want more in 15 minutes??  You just keep wanting more and more and more and there really is no end to wanting more of it unless he quits.  Even when he quits he'll likely be thinking about it for a few weeks still, i know I was.  

So yea let him know your plans... either he quits now and he leaves with you... or you are leaving with out him.  But yes, either way you don't deserve to go through this any more.

I don't know how your kids would feel though with him coming along too after all he's put you through.  Just remember you don't deserve what he put you through!

[IBKleen]

Confused, He is either in denial himself or trying to put one over on you. Crack is NOT a drug that needs to be tapered or can be tapered. It is probably one of the least likely drugs that can be tapered. Seriously, if he is trying to put one over on you, don't believe him. And if he really is in that much denial, then he has a long way to go---he has not even begun to work on his problem.

My heart breaks for you and I truly hope that you are able to get past this and go on with your life if you will be leaving. You deserve happiness and peace.

Again, I wish you the best. Let us know how you are.

[ImDONENoMore]

I'm with jaybay and thought the exact same thing.  Let your children help you - believe me, I know they want to and I speak from personal experience on that one.  I'm sure they don't see it as a burden and would welcome the opportunity to help you the way you've always helped them.  It will make them feel good and you need to do this.  Please find a way for yourself to be well.  I wish there was someone who could fix the problem for your husband, but sadly that is not the way it works.  HE has to want it.

And also, I'm going to bet that your children would rather help you now while you still have a fighting chance to be happy, than to have to clean up any messes your husband may create for you both.  I wish you well - it's obvious that you deserve to be happy so please take care of yourself.  Sometimes tells me that you've forgotten that you matter too.  My prayers are with you.  p.s. give your kids the chance to do something great (helping you because they LOVE you).

[confusedandhurt61]

Thank u Patrick...and have a great time!!!  Hawaii is actually where we just moved from.  We lived in Lahaina on Maui for over a year.  We got offered a job in TX and in order to be closer to family, came back over here to the mainland where we are now.  I miss Hawaii!!!  So, have some sunshine and ocean for me too!!!  Please don't forget about me.  You have helped me soooooo much!!  Jaybay....my bag is always ready to go!!  This is the beginning of the end.  If things don't stop....right now....I have to go.  You all have made me realize this, and with all your advice and support I feel stronger.  I do love him, but u can't love someone that won't help themselves.  I have a question....he tells me that it is better to quit all together if he tapers off it it.  I told him I believe the way to quit would be to stop all together, and have a lot of support.  Is he right?  Is this a kind of drug that requires tapering?  Does anyone know?

[Jaybay]

Listen to your children.  They love you and wouldn't have offered to take you in if they thought you were a burden.  No more of that self-defeating crap!  You know what's going to happen on payday.  Is your bag packed?

[PinPinPatrick]

Hey I just wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts... I won't be on here for 2 weeks cause I'm going on a vacation to Hawaii...

Bottom ****** line... Either he quits NOW or he's OUT.   Sorry if that is a harsh reality for you or him but it's the truth.  Have him read this thread, and everything I've said as an ex-crack head.  I've searched the world in answer in how I can best possibly recover from the severity of this addiction of a disease and I've somewhat got there after over a year .  

All you can do is talk to him about everything I have told you... have him read the entire thread, my blog, and everything else.  At the end of it.  If he makes the decision he's going to stick with it then LEAVE... bottom ******* line, don't support this evil entity spirit called CRACK.  If you don't leave then you're just en-abling him to do more.

Keep in touch I'll be back on in 2 weeks and I hope to hear from you what happens.

Best of luck I hope peace can rest with you above all.

[PinPinPatrick]

Well sadly it looks like the conclusion to this is coming forward...

I'm thinking when he said the 5 years were hell... I think it's because he hadn't ever truly recovered the damage done to the mind and he couldn't really get any joy or pleasure out of life.  It might have been too late all along... but I just want to say that I do believe in recovering damage.  With healthy food, exercise, abstinence from drugs, maybe NA.  Some supplements to restore dopamine levels in the mind include B vitamin capsule, multimineral, L-glutamine, L-Tyrosine, and Vitamin C.  I would also definitely suggest omega 3 DHA dochexanoic acid since this fatty acid is in 60% of the cell membranes in the mind.  You might also consider phosphodyl choline and phosphodyl serine.  This information is from "End your Addiction Now" and focuses on restoring and balancing neurotransmitters to an equilibrium level.  For example a cocaine or crack cocaine addict might have a dopamine deficiency in dopaminergic neurons.  Also the big miracle supplement for restoring glutamate pathways in the mind is N-acetyl-cysteine.  This is what I used to restore my 'pleasure pathways' and it has actually worked really well... I'm joyous again and I can listen to my favorite songs and they really get me excited and I get that dopamine release I once got.  

You also have to understand that even if you restore 'dopamine levels' to their normal level, there has still been a 'muting' effect done at the synapse and dopamine receptors at the receiving neuron have been downregulated.  Meaning there simply aren't as many receptors anymore!  This takes a LONG time to restore back to normal and might need supplementation to restore to even somewhat normal levels.

Really this is the only way to bring him back, and yes crack users have persistent problems and deficits in attention, concentration, new learning, visual and verbal memory, word production, and visual-motor integration.  As in these areas of the mind become severely damaged... and even in my lengthy recovery I still believe these areas of my mind are slightly compromised.  But I will say there is definite improvement.

So not sure what you're thinking about this right now... obviously in quite the rut, and let's face it, even if he does quit it will take a long time to restore the damage done.  Some books say 6 months to a year even WITH all the supplements.  

So he has to make up his mind about the recovery.  Don't give him any money for drugs as that would just be en-abling him... "Hun Just a little money this will be the last time"...   But talk to him about it and everything there is, let him know where he'll be without you, and also let him know how it's affecting you.  It's not just his addiction and disease it's yours too!  Let him know how it's affecting you!  Your finances, you're worried sick about him, in fact your future is becoming lost along with his!  Tell him that.  And you also have to be strong and firm and if he doesn't quit you have to leave him and it's simply for your own good.  Love should be a mutul loving caring relationship in which each partner gives to the other... not one in where one is the parasite taking everything from the other and not giving anything back.

Well the best thing I could say is talk to him about recovery and let him know everything I told you, or even have him read some of it... Addiction truly is a disease no matter how I look at it... although in many ways it's a disease of choice but when the drug takes hold it feels like the choice has been taken away.    

[confusedandhurt61]

Norco...thanks for the hug!!  I needed it.  I did take the kids back to their mom last month.  When they started noticing things were no "right" with their father, I immediately took them out of the situation.  I do not have any parents...both passed away.  I have grown children.  They do know the situation and have begged me to come live with them.  I feel like such a burden on them.  They all have families, and I don't want anyone to have the financial burden of taking care of me until I find a job.  Patrick....I have definitely noticed the memory loss in him.  He used to remind me of everything, and now it seems like his brain has shorted out.  I did try to bring up the subject this evening to try and see how he is doing (he is on day 6 without it).  He just said he is doing "fine".  I asked him again, and he repeated he is doing "fine".  Yes, he will be doing"fine" until payday....then he will run to buy.  It's a familiar cycle.  I want to say thank you again to everyone for all their support.  Patrick..I loved ur blog u wrote.  It helped me understand a little more about maybe what he is feeling.  Since he won't talk to me about it, I guess I will just have to guess how he is doing.  moni80....sure.  let's see if we live in the same area.  ft worth is huge.  lol.  if we live in the same area i would love to get together and go to a meeting with you.  

[moni80]

So I hope I'm not doing anything wrong by saying this, but I saw your city and we're neighbors. I moved here about a year ago, so if you are interested in going to a meeting, we can try to find one together.

[PinPinPatrick]

Yikes... honestly I think he has it backwards... how could 5 years clean be hell without the drug?  Hell comes when the crack comes and stays for a very long time after!  

Honestly don't try smoking crack... just like everyone else who tried it and shared their experience with me before I even did it all had the same bottom line which was
"if you haven't ever tried it, DON'T DO IT"
I thought what could be the big deal myself I'd experimented in all kinds of drugs but that one is different than all the rest.  Mind you I hadn't tried Meth or Heroin and I can imagine those 2 are probably up there in hells list of horrid drugs too.

It could be instantly addictive because the mind remembers the high very vividly.  So it's not so much the physical withdrawals that make crack addictive it's the memories of the feeling it brings that causes the user to relapse.  Hence that is why no one should ever experiment with this drug.  

You know the bottom line is he has 2 choices either clean up or leave.  If he thinks life is gonna be hell without the drug just let him wait and see what happens if he continues using.  In many cases this is how people end up on the streets.  If cocaine is considered a one way road to hell, then crack must be the highway.  

One thing for sure if he's made up his mind that he's going to keep using no matter what then you're going to have to leave.

One other comment I would like to make about what happens to the mind after many many uses of crack cocaine is that the minds ability to experience pleasure in life is lost.  Anything from experiencing that 'dopamine rush'... some examples I could bring up might include going to your favorite singers concert and hearing all the people clapping, or watching a sporting event and your favorite team scores a goal or get's a touchdown, or the feeling you get from your favorite song, or the feeling you get when you are in school and do really well in a test... Or going to events where maybe your child graduated or got married... Things that make us happy, bring up pleasure, and we get that feeling of dopamine release in our minds that brings us pleasure.  

The sad truth with cocaine addiction and much much more so crack cocaine addiction is that the ability of the mind to experience these simple pleasures is lost or damaged severely.  The dopamine circuits in the mind want to keep equilibrium and so they downregulate the number of dopamine receptors at the synapse.  It's the same thing that happens when people are exposed to very very loud environments or listen to loud music too much their hearing gets muted.  There becomes no joy out of life because the cocaine has corrupted all the pleasure that life once brought.  The high is chemically unstable for the human mind and is outside of the realms of normal human pleasure.  Eventually it comes to the point that there is no pleasure in life except that brought by the drug.  The soul becomes robbed.  This is when the very soul of the crack user becomes corrupted and they don't care about anything but the drug and they will steal or commit crimes to get the only pleasure in life that they know of.

Good news is if he stays clean... we are talking about years.  And if he eats healthy, might have to take some supplements, multi-vitamin, multi-mineral, omega 3's etc.  Also you can supplement NAC n-acetyl cysteine and it may help restore some of these pleasure circuits inside the mind so they can work once again.  I doubt they can ever be restored to the way they once were but it will sure help improve them much more than they were after the drug usage.  Also he can supplement L-Tyrosine which is the amino-acid the body uses to make dopamine.  

So there is hope for you and your husband.  But the thing is he has to make the choice to clean up now and for good.

[norco_no_more1960]

HUGS to you.  You are in a very common state of codependency.  In a codependent relationship the non addict or non alcoholic is the responsible one, the one who picks up the pieces and deals with the consequences.  They become the nervous wreck.

My advice is:  return the children to their mom, go home to your parents.  Get into counseling.  Figure out who YOU really are.  Right now your life is all wrapped up in what your husband is doing.  He is not going to change.  Only you can.

I am a daughter of an alcoholic.  After my first marriage ended I became engaged twice to alcoholics.  Neither one was drinking at the time I met them.  But I stayed engaged to them long enough to figure it out.  I broke off each engagement and quit dating for a while - long enough for me to figure out what was it about me that chose alcoholics.  It wasn't until I got some therapy and figured some things out about myself that I was able to marry a nice, kind, non-alcoholic man.

I still care and want you to be safe and happy.

Lisa

[confusedandhurt61]

I did originally leave him.  In November I took the kids and went back to KS where I am from.  I stayed there a week.  After a week he follwed me up there.  I had taken a week off of work and my boss was going crazy.  I looked for a job up there but the job market is really horrendous in KS.  I made the decision to come back down here because of my job.  Of course he promised to quit all the drugs.  Didn't happen.  And yes, being in this area is a huge trigger for him.  We basically live in the middle of a ghetto.  He knows this area, and he knows where to go to get it.  And ur right...as long as we are in this area and he has any extra money, he is going to do it.  I am desparately trying to find a job out of state.  It is a slow process, but I won't give up.  I seem to be the one who is suffering from all of this.  I did get him to open up a little bit.  He basically said the same things u did.  It is the intense feeling he gets from it.  He doesn't like the paranoid feeling he gets, or how it makes him act, but that is not enough to make him stop.  Me taking his kids away didn't make him stop....and my love isn't going to make him stop.  I asked him why he stayed clean for the 5 years that I have known him.  He said it was because he wasn't in an area where he knew where to find it.  He said it was hell living the 5 years without it.  That being said, it seems like he is into this for life.  I am really bummed tonight.  It makes me feel worse than him.  That's not fair.  It seems like there is no way out.  I guess I will never understand it.  I was even tempted to try it myself so that I would understand what the hell he is talking about.  What is it about the drug that makes you give up your family and way of life?????  Maybe I am just tired.  Tired of worrying and tired of thinking.  I am rambling now.

[PinPinPatrick]

Yes you should talk and listen to what he has to say.  Don't have him focus on the pleasure of the drug, rather the destruction.  Crack is extremely destructive... It is many many times worse than powdered cocaine because it is smoked and hits the mind like a tonne of bricks.  Crack is also more soluble in fat and chemically it actually crosses the blood brain barrier faster than powered cocaine as well!

When I quit for good I took 2 weeks to visit my Grandmother... she lived far away in a very small town where I could not find any drugs.  I was almost obsessing the first few days about the drug i just wanted to have some.  Sometimes I'd just lay in bed... maybe drink some water.  You might want to consider getting him out of that environment he's in, it's a huge, huge, trigger.  If he knows where to go to get it whenever he has the money or can, he's going to keep doing that until there's some form of vacation away like I did to my Grandmothers, or an intervention, or something.  
It is so addictive that even if someone knows it's bad and has those negative effects or the 'crash' that so many users hate and want to avoid... they will always remember the good effects, the pleasurable effects, those experiences make him want to go back for it more and more and more.

He needs to live life for some time without any of the drug.  This drug ***** peoples souls dry... making them like zombies almost with only one thing on their mind to get more... eventually any love and caring in his personality could be lost forever.  I have also read Dr.Amen's books on addiction and he has taken SPECT scans of peoples brains who were crack users for a few years and there are actually "holes" in their minds where there is no activity.  Cocaine and especially crack causes intensive vasoconstriction to virtually every artery in the body... the arteries actually tense up and tighten restricting blood flow and increasing blood pressure.  People end up having 'mini-strokes' and they don't even realize it!!! That's how dangerous this drug is!  Not to mention the effects it has on the heart!... the lungs!  

Really there are a few suggestions I have for you to do to help him...
-either get him out of the area... take some time to visit your family or his family AWAY from where you are.
- Move... get out of that area and don't return!  That environment he's in just triggers memories inside of him of the drug causing him to relapse!
-Educate educate and educate him! About the drug, either through the internet, or an addictions counselor or someone who knows about crack cocaine addiction.

But really the bottom line is you need him to get out of the area... you need to move, consider rehab, a vacation or something like that.  

Or of course worse comes to worse you might have to leave him if he doesn't change but I realize you love him and don't want to lose him.  But really you will lose him if his addiction to Crack continues to rob him of his soul and his life, I mean if this continues he will be like a walking living breathing dead person or it could also actually physically kill him, in the process it's also robbing you of your well being in life.  

[Jaybay]

You can't force him to talk about it if he doesn't want to, but it's worth a try.  If he does open his mouth try to remember the idea is for HIM to talk and you to listen.  In your shoes, I'd start at the beginning and ask for an explanation of why he never told you about his 20 year addiction before you got married.  Why did he allow your marriage to be based on a lie?  That cat has already escaped the bag, so he might as well spill the truth while he's got your attention.  Don't be surprised if he clams up and let it go for another day.  But that's just me and the way my mind works.  You're the one living in hell right now, so jump in where you need to.  

His mind is already on using, so you won't be making him crave any worse for discussing the problem.  If he uses, it's HIS action - NOT yours.  It's actually more enabling to shut your mouth and pretend like everything is fine.  That way there are no uncomfortable consequences to his using.

[confusedandhurt61]

Thank u Patrick, I will read it right now.  I have a REALLY stupid question, but I don't know if I am doing something that helps or hinders the situation.  I am the kind of person that needs to talk (as u can probably tell).  Talking through a situation or talking about my feelings helps me immensely.  Should I try and talk with him about how he is feeling?  He talks a lot, but not about the drugs...unless he is "in trouble".  So does bringing up the situation just make the cravings worse?  Does it help?  I am scared to just bring it up and then it makes him start thinking about wanting it.  See?  Probably a really stupid question......

[PinPinPatrick]

Hey please check this article out that I wrote this article based on my own experience and addiction to crack cocaine.  Maybe you can share it with your husband too.  He can stop, I stopped.  

http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/show/132294/The-Nightmare-of-Crack?personal_page_id=573301

[confusedandhurt61]

Hi guys.....sorry I didn't post recently.  You all are the best for worrying about me!!!  I feel so supported!!  Well, we made it through yesterday.  We stayed in last night and he did drink. (something he does when he doesn't have any other substances).  Today and tomorrow I believe will be the worst.  I can see him getting anxious.  The signs are there...BUT we have no money right now.  We have always had a couple thousand dollar cushion in the bank, but since he has been using again that is gone.  Now financiallyhe is not able to buy any.  That will make him very moody I am sure.  He asked me day before yesterday who I was talking to on the computer.  I told him the truth.  I told him I was talking to ppl on a support group website.  I asked him if he wanted me to read some of the responses.  He actually said yes.  I read him some of the responses.  He really listened to what you all were saying.  He didn't say anything, but I believe it hit home with him.  I will post this evening........

[Jaybay]

Hope you're OK today and also hope to hear from you soon.  Like the others, you've been in my thoughts since yesterday.

[mellie4]

Please take the advice of those who have been down this path with addicts.  You will lose your soul to this.  I was married to an alcoholic who also ended up using drugs for fifteen years and lived with him four years prior to that.  We have four kids together, and I can't tell you the damage that's been done to all of us.  The guilt of what I exposed my kids to and put my family through will never go away.

I left after my mother died nearly five years ago.  The thought of her going to her grave knowing how unhappy I was is what did it for me.  If I could go back in time, I'd have left long ago.  Of course, I wouldn't change having my kids for anything, but living with an addict is terrible.

I put him through 12 rehabs and basically was a single mom my whole life, even when he lived with us.  There were legal problems and fees through the years for things ranging from drunk driving to assault and battery to breaking and entering (he broke down his girlfriend's door) to domestic abuse.  

I found myself isolating from my family and friends.  The embarrassment of him drunk and/or on drugs was too much.  I always put on a great act, and even today, very few people know what really went on.  The shame was so great, even though it wasn't my shame.  I found myself totally desensitized to the verbal and emotional abuse and even the physical abuse.  He was always sorry and promised it wouldn't happen again.  But it did.  Over and over.  And it always escalates.  Addiction is a progressive disease.

My story is long and ugly and probably similar to some of the other stories here.  The damage to your self-esteem will take a lifetime to recover from.  I know it's hard to leave someone you love and you think you can help but really, they can only help themselves.

Get support wherever you can ... here if you have no family near you.  Don't go through this alone.

[Kimberly Sue]

Just checking in again. The big night is over, and I hope yours was quiet. I thought of you often last evening. It was kind of like flashing back to so many not so happy new years eves.....and then I would look at my husband and feel so thankful that I have him.
Please let us know how you are doing. I don't want to be a pest, but it seems that things are really spiralling out of control (control is an illusion anyhow), and I worry about your safety and your own mental health.
Keep posting....we can help you if you want the help.
Kim