deep depression PAWS?

[jillian6]

I'm trying to understand PAWS (post acute withdrawals).  I just recently learned what it means and what it is.  I'm almost 30 days clean AGAIN - was over 60 days clean and messed up for 4 days.

Everything I read says to get up and move.  I am stuck with not wanting or desiring to do anything.  Because of my drug use, I've pulled back from most of my friendships a long time ago.  I have kids and I feel sorry for them because I'm just not feeling emotionally available right now.  They do know a little about what I'm going thru.

On top of it, my husband is constantly harassing me.  It's hard enough to not use, let alone deal with my husband.  I understand he is upset over money I spent (that's his big complaint).  He tells me all the time the only reason he stays is for the kids and he doesn't want to pay support to me because I don't "deserve" it for what I did and I'm a slug, leech, white trash and whatever else he manages to think of to make me feel worse than I already do.

My recovery is important to me - even if it means figuring a way out of this emotionally disgusting marriage.  I posted a while back and though I don't blame my husband, it feels like he makes it so much harder by his constant badgering.  I have zero money to leave.

Has anyone been thru something like this?  If so, how do you "make" yourself do things?  I need to go to meetings and everytime it comes to walk out the door, I don't.  Thanks,  still clean too

[SophieShine]

Hi, I am sorry to read that you have to get clean w/o the support of your husband... You can read about PAWS in the Health pages on the upper right. All the best to you. xoxoxox. sophie.

[refusingbondage]

PAWS is definitely something many addicts struggle with.  I get PAWS still - it comes and goes.. its all mental now.. Ups and downs.. but I think that a lot of it is just life.  No one's life is perfect - its just non-addicts know how to cope and addicts, like me, never had to cause honestly - who cares what hubby says when your high as a kite. I know this was true for me for sure!  When I finally got clean I hated everything, everyone, anything and anyone.  I had zero motivation.  I am STILL emotionally unavailable... and working on this all the time.. My fiancee does not harass me but he is not a true believer of in addiction and sees it as a sign of weakness.  He also uses it to his advantage in arguments, but that's a different story for a different day. My best advice to you is STAY strong.. a very smart person on this forum told me that the most selfish thing she ever did in her life was getting sober but she is a better person for it.  Makes sense.  Dont let hubby push you around -- just do what you have to do.  PUSH yourself to get up and get back into the living.. go for walks.. call an old friend.. start an exercise routine.. It sounds impossible but MAKE yourself do these things..you will greatly benefit from it.. I had to basically go into machine mode for months and force myself to do everything.. but more and more I began to live again.. You can and will. Dont let the hubby be an excuse to use ..  get through this and then you will be able to think about what the next chapter holds for you.. Take care!

[worried878]

PAWS is real...and it takes a bit but it will pass...sounds like perhaps ur hubby is a major trigger...and during recover u gotta remove them/those triggers or work thru them..staying with a man who doesnt love me would be a source of major stress for me...and if i wernt financially ablt to leave him..then after i got to feeling a bit better..i would work on fixing that situation by furthering my education or finding sumpin i could do on my own...and he will have to pay child support wheteher he likes it or not..u r not trapped but u may feel luike it right now....he doesnt have to know ur goals but if u know what ur plan is u will feel better bout urself..and i do feel ur pain and it is a big fat doomer to feel this way especially with the post wd depression..i do think u need to walk out that door and go to aftercare right now even if it feels like u do no have the nrg..can u just start with a walk around the block when u can manage it?  moving helps cos it stimulates production of endorphins that r badly needed right now....baby steps and right now u gotta deal with ur mind getting back to where u can cope..then deal with the rest of it...and no one has to know but u..and if u know u r gonna do sumpin then u will feel better...even if u do not have the nrg to do that sumpin right this second then knowing u will have the nrg may help..this is a great place to be so dont quit posting

[hpipslave]

I had the "pleasure" to attend a 3-month rehab program where we spent a great deal of time learning about PAWS. Required reading included Terry Gorski's Book on the subject and Relapse Prevention. Explains PAWS in detail and numerous ways to cope. Search for "Terrence Gorski" on the Net and read the info. Essentially, keep busy. Good luck.

[worried878]

may look that up...sounds like a good thing...thanx

[hpipslave]

Name of the book is "Staying Sober"...

[jillian6]

Thanks for the posts  - especially the book.  I plan to pick it up this weekend.  I love to read.

I agree my husband is a major trigger for me - probably my biggest one.  I dream of the day I can walk out the door - no regrets either.  I know I have done everything possible to try to make it work.  I have seen an attorney so I have a good idea what I need to do b/f I can safely leave with the kids.  

Having a spouse who I can't freely talk to is hard.  I tried again last night and he ignored me completely, got up and went downstairs - never saw him the rest of the night.  It just hurts a lot.  He knows he is a major sorce of stress for me and is always telling me to get a boyfriend - even while we are married, he doesn't care.  He wants me to move out without the kids.  He's sicker than I am in some ways.  

Thanks for listening to me vent my serious frustration.  Maybe I should get a boyfriend - nah - it really goes against what I believe.  I'll just chalk it up to him being a jerk and move forward to after care and recovering.  I work this weekend and I can't wait to get away from him plus it will get me up and moving a lot.  Has anyone else walked away from a relationship with a spouse or significant other b/c of the reasons I have?

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

I cant touch your personal issues.....but I did find that the amino L-Tyrosine helped with the energy thing for me....500-2000mg before breakfast........

[Dknd4v]

I know alot of people who have. You cant let him dictate your life or let him bring you down when rightnow your building yourself back up to a better you. Take it one day at atime. Ignore him, stay calm and try to get thru this until you feel you are ready and able to walk away completetly.

[CadillacJack]

Many of us have gone through scenarios similar to your own. And if one person can accomplish a difficult task, while living in a difficult situation, then another can do likewise. To be real straight, hubby has a ligitimate *****, just like my wife did. I was the one that was high, just like you. When she left, I was as low as I've ever been. But I can't tolerate a drunk, and us being high amounts to the exact same thing: Not sober. My point isn't blame. My point is you have the strength inside yourself to stay the course.What doesn't kill you makes you stronger (?) There's some truth to that. Concentrate on getting yourself comfortably straight before you break up your home. That's only going to cause some major stress for some time. You may find a fix for your home situation also. People are resilient, and many times are able to work things out that seem hopeless. As for PAWS: I believe the severity of the syndrome is a direct funtion of how much and how long a person as used. Seems reasonable. After 15 + years of using, I expect to pay a little higher price than the person who only used for 5 years. I still feel the effects from time to time. Knowing what it is, and that it will pass makes it easier to deaj with. In the end, don't take negative crititism too seriously. We must realize that we've hurt those close to us, and we must be ready for repercussions. Don't allow such things to distract you from your goal. Trust yourself to get clean. Life will still be there. deal with it when you are sober, and more mentally equipped to make sound decisions. I've said enough. I wish you all the luck. I'm sure you will do well.

cj