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detox and mood swing

I am into my second week of a doctor controlled tapering off hydrocodone.  I am experiencing a range of moods from "OK" to downright fear and others somewhere in between.  The worst is the fear.  I try to stay busy and that helps some.  I have no secrets from those close to me, they know I'm battling an addiction.  I think my own worst enemy is me.  It's like my brain has a brain of its own.  Am I afraid of a life clean of pills?  Or is it the fear of that last pill and what comes after?  The guilt from all the time, money and energy wasted on these damn pills?  All of that?  Fear is a killer.  It's my biggest hurdle besides the physical addiction.  
Best Answer
488766 tn?1306105169
This may sound a little weird but my pastor told me once

"THE WORST DAYS I EVER HAD WERE THE DAYS I NEVER HAD"

ONE day at a time my brother................Brad
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1685275 tn?1312339517
That was fast, next week? wow!!  Really awesome, but are you ok?  I would love to go faster with the detox - had hoped I'd be clean for my B-day (Jun 15) but I am so afraid to step it up from the baby steps - I am afraid I'd get to feeling really awful - and just take extra to make up for it - so I continue going slow.
I can see the job thing two ways - wish I was a psychic for this one (and so many other things, lol) it might be just what you need and help blow away the anxiety, etc.  or cause more...wish I had a way to advise - just know my best thoughts and wishes are going your way! And congrats - you have done awesome :)
Helpful - 0
1416133 tn?1351123217
Okay, I know I'm a giant WUSS when it comes to recovering.  Not sure if I should attribute my long recovery to the benzo withdrawal or the painkiller withdrawal, or my age, etc.   Oh well, it is what it is right?  :) p.s. and no, my recovery does not seem to be the norm - I'm sure you'll do better more quickly than I did - most do.
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1416133 tn?1351123217
I'm sorry albi - it can feel like too much.  And that's why if you can, financially speaking, hold off on the new work thing, that would be a good idea.  Although we couldn't afford me not working, I still didn't return to work until after 9 months clean.  I know many are able to work through recovery/detox and I admire them.  But I couldn't.  So if there was ever a time to go easy on yourself, it's now.  Hang in - when you're feeling better, you'll be able to focus on the job search.  Be well first and the rest will follow - trust that okay?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
None of this was what I had in mind for retirement.  Got the urge several weeks ago to try the resume' again and see if I could line something up.  I figured that, since I've always worked (since I was 16) that getting back to work (motorcycle business) might be good idea, maybe stay busy and let the pill situation resolve itself.  This is all too much.  
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Avatar universal
Now, of all times, I get call from a resume' submitted a while back...it figures.  I had about given up ever getting back to work.  I am on the fence about setting up an interview in this condition.  Start detox...break up with GF...job interview decision...all in two weeks!  My doctor called me yesterday, great guy, wanted to know how I was doing.  Talked about a few things and told him I am feeling depressed and left kidney hurts and some blood in urine.  Told me to come in tomorrow and, in the meantime, to take bigger dose if I feel I have to.  Oh man...
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
HI.....you have tapered low enough to do about as much damage control as your going to at this point your final withdrawal will be what it will be....if theres health issues wait it out if not ask your doctor if you can just jump ....my experience tapering in lower doses is its not enough to hold back the withdrawals and by continuing tapering in the lower doses your just making yourself miserable ...you mines as well go ahead and get it over with at this point andstart working on your recovery....as for getting back to where you where b/4 the pills I personally dont think thats possible but I do know with aftercare theres a ""new you "" waiting on the other side....as addicts unless we treat it we will always think like addicts its not about the pills its about the very way we think that needs to change and with that change out comes the ''new improved you''.....you have done a great job tapering off....many cannot no become pro/active in your recovery and life can become a beautiful place again.....keep posting for support we all want to see you get well with a little effort you can live in recovery and put this behind you...but as Sara always says you can never drop your guard...good luck and God bless......Gnarly    
Helpful - 0
488766 tn?1306105169
Just remember you said your "all over in your head". Bro you sound exactly like I did! Seriousley I read your posts and can connect. Dude it sounds cleasha (sp) but day by day.
Not from 2300 mi where you came from but now the next 24 hrs where your going!!
   In one month w/ no pills you will be here writting how you can`t believe how far you have come so fast clean.   Bro I KNOW IT !!  Stay Strong   Brad
Helpful - 0
271792 tn?1334979657
You may want to talk with your doctor about getting off sooner---just a thought. It just seems like you are slowly struggling and it may be helpful to just get off of the pills. Certainly this is between you and your doctor. I know for me it was so difficult to taper and I always ended up just quitting to get it over with.

I think you will be surprised at how much meetings will help you. Even if you just sit in the back of the room and listen for now, you are among people just like you and there is something very comforting about that. It's a great place to learn about what is going on with you and a great place to make friends. There are a lot of activities in the fellowship and it will keep you occupied in a healthy way. When I first got clean I was so desperate I would have joined the communist party if I thought they would help me but I joined a bowling league instead. It thought it was so un-cool to be at a bowling alley but it turned out to be a whole lot of fun. What have you got to lose by going to a meeting? You owe it to yourself hun.

Whatever you do, hang in there and don't use.
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Avatar universal
I guess it doesn't really matter how, when or why right now.  It is what it is.  See?  Right now I'm all over the place in my head.  I'm here, my thinking is skewed and I feel very alone.  I can't reply to all of you individually.  I'm sure you all know that.  Sending my thoughts out there to some of you that have been where I am is helping...a little.  I can do this.  
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Avatar universal
The tapering will end sometime next week.
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Avatar universal
I keep playing this over in my head: how did I get here?  How did I go from the guy that loved working, raising my wonderful daughter and just living a regular life just a short while ago to the guy 2300 miles away from home addicted to pain pills?  Decades of no drugs, pills, maybe a few beers and now this?  I can't even remember anything specific that started this spiral downward.  I now realize that coming back to California 6 months ago was a mistake.  I could have dealt with this much easier where my good friends are back home, none of whom do drugs. While I do have some old and very close friends here, most of them get high.  Now I'm stuck here because it's too expensive right now go back and I'm not mentally/physically able anyway.  It's a goal to return.  I have been postponing going to some kind of meeting like AA, etc.  I need to get off my butt and get some support somewhere.  I opened a wormhole in my life somewhere along the line and I've got to get back to the other me.  But now I know I will have a big weakness, an addiction weakness I didn't know I had.  That is another scary deal.  
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271792 tn?1334979657
When will you be done with the taper?
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229538 tn?1300377767
My friend all of what everyone said above is true ! When you stop opiates anxiety and depression is all part of withdrawals and trust I know it's not fun at all . The boredom will fade as your brain heals . I know it's tough as we all have been threw it . The joy of life revolved all around those pills . For me too ! But with time you will walk out on that beautiful day and you will enjoy that day like you once did before the addiction . The anxiety and fear will fade away as your brain heals and that takes time , not a lifetime but time . Hang in there your life is right around the corner !  Peace Jimmy
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Avatar universal
Sitting in the park right now.  So down today.  It's a beautiful day, sun shining, nice breeze and I'm in the dumps.  Don't feel the 5 mg pills but don't feel too terribly bad physically.  Just doing mundane stuff...wash the Jeep, errands and pretending it's just another day.  I read everyone's replies and it does feel like you're out there somewhere knowing...
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1416133 tn?1351123217
I think you're doing great too.  Ending a relationship is hard, I know.  But I'm with everyone else, focusing on getting well has to be job one right now.  They'll be time later to work on other things, just keep it slow for now and keep going.  When you're stronger, and things are completely clear to you, only then can you figure out what you want for your life.  For now, just focus on SAVING that life and the rest will come to you in good time you'll see.  :)
Helpful - 0
1692167 tn?1327539457
Hang in there! I know the realty of not haveing the pills and what is life about without them is the scariest thing I have ever been thu! Im 8 days clean (CT) and I get terrified to leave the house. Every day a little better then the day before. You have to change the way you think and that will help alot!
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Avatar universal
It's always scary when it finally hits us that we have to accept life on life's terms and do it without the pills. It creates a lot of anxiety in us. I know this was huge for me but when I finally accepted that clean was the new me, it was a lot easier!  Really,acceptance (along with forgivness) is everything in life.

Now that I've been away from pills for over a year,it's startling to me the things and people we all sacrifice for our addiction.  I'm guessing this is the case with your GF. She probably refused to stop the pills even with the threat and fact of you leaving...That's very sad to me.

We spend a lot of time thinking and dwelling on everything when we first get clean and that's what you're doing now.  It's common but it's exhausting!!  I finally had to set aside time just for worrying about things so I could move forward. Otherwise I would have been worried all day and night!!

I think you're doing great!
Helpful - 0
1580085 tn?1400940838
i think we could all do with one of those,lol but you have to put yourself first now, perhaps she will decide to get clean one day soon, good luck , and stay strong.
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Avatar universal
Starting 5mg's today.  Doc says this it, no more after these.  Reluctantly single again too by choice (rough but had to be this way)  Trying to quit worrying about all this stuff.  Need on/off switch for brain...
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1580085 tn?1400940838
well said !! and very appropriate! stay strong.
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1416133 tn?1351123217
That's good - like that one.  :)
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Avatar universal
“You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try.”
~Beverly Sills
Helpful - 0
1416133 tn?1351123217
Yup all of the above.  The fear was bad for me too right after I quit but it goes away - it did for me anyway.  It's the whole range of emotions that hit you when you're either tapering or when you quit cold turkey.  Part of the process from everything I've read.  I had no idea how much stuff I wasn't truly facing or dealing with when taking those pills.  A little unsettling at first but I promise you the fear/anxiety diminishes after some time after you've stopped them entirely.  I think recognizing those emotions is half the battle - once you know what you're feeling you can process the emotions more clearly.

Hang in you're doing better than you think!
Helpful - 0
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