detox and mood swing

[albiewan]

I am into my second week of a doctor controlled tapering off hydrocodone.  I am experiencing a range of moods from "OK" to downright fear and others somewhere in between.  The worst is the fear.  I try to stay busy and that helps some.  I have no secrets from those close to me, they know I'm battling an addiction.  I think my own worst enemy is me.  It's like my brain has a brain of its own.  Am I afraid of a life clean of pills?  Or is it the fear of that last pill and what comes after?  The guilt from all the time, money and energy wasted on these damn pills?  All of that?  Fear is a killer.  It's my biggest hurdle besides the physical addiction.  

[Brrrrad]

Just remember you said your "all over in your head". Bro you sound exactly like I did! Seriousley I read your posts and can connect. Dude it sounds cleasha (sp) but day by day.
Not from 2300 mi where you came from but now the next 24 hrs where your going!!
   In one month w/ no pills you will be here writting how you can`t believe how far you have come so fast clean.   Bro I KNOW IT !!  Stay Strong   Brad

[IBKleen]

You may want to talk with your doctor about getting off sooner---just a thought. It just seems like you are slowly struggling and it may be helpful to just get off of the pills. Certainly this is between you and your doctor. I know for me it was so difficult to taper and I always ended up just quitting to get it over with.

I think you will be surprised at how much meetings will help you. Even if you just sit in the back of the room and listen for now, you are among people just like you and there is something very comforting about that. It's a great place to learn about what is going on with you and a great place to make friends. There are a lot of activities in the fellowship and it will keep you occupied in a healthy way. When I first got clean I was so desperate I would have joined the communist party if I thought they would help me but I joined a bowling league instead. It thought it was so un-cool to be at a bowling alley but it turned out to be a whole lot of fun. What have you got to lose by going to a meeting? You owe it to yourself hun.

Whatever you do, hang in there and don't use.

[albiewan]

I guess it doesn't really matter how, when or why right now.  It is what it is.  See?  Right now I'm all over the place in my head.  I'm here, my thinking is skewed and I feel very alone.  I can't reply to all of you individually.  I'm sure you all know that.  Sending my thoughts out there to some of you that have been where I am is helping...a little.  I can do this.  

[albiewan]

The tapering will end sometime next week.

[albiewan]

I keep playing this over in my head: how did I get here?  How did I go from the guy that loved working, raising my wonderful daughter and just living a regular life just a short while ago to the guy 2300 miles away from home addicted to pain pills?  Decades of no drugs, pills, maybe a few beers and now this?  I can't even remember anything specific that started this spiral downward.  I now realize that coming back to California 6 months ago was a mistake.  I could have dealt with this much easier where my good friends are back home, none of whom do drugs. While I do have some old and very close friends here, most of them get high.  Now I'm stuck here because it's too expensive right now go back and I'm not mentally/physically able anyway.  It's a goal to return.  I have been postponing going to some kind of meeting like AA, etc.  I need to get off my butt and get some support somewhere.  I opened a wormhole in my life somewhere along the line and I've got to get back to the other me.  But now I know I will have a big weakness, an addiction weakness I didn't know I had.  That is another scary deal.  

[IBKleen]

When will you be done with the taper?