drug addiction....forever?

[casey73]

I have been on methadone now for about 1 and a half years......for much of this time i was using drugs
(Synthetic Heroin) as well.....yes i know that that isnt good...but due to various reasons it was very hard to completely quit.......(FYI I was on the pills alone for only about 7 months when I decided for financial reasons that I had to try to quit or a least cut back a lot)........ Now that two of my closest drug friends are gone.....(one (who introduced me to pills) moved away & the other (who was a longtime junkie)  went to jail) I am finally really just on methadone and honestly I am very depressed about it. It is no longer a part of something it is the whole thing....I know my Dr. is pleased and relieved that I am clean but I am kind of lost. I listen to drug music and watch drug movies and almost feel like shooting up water just to feel a needle again.....I did do a pill the other day & didnt even feel it......I dont know....is there a normal life after drug addiction??? I was never addicted to drugs of any kind untill fall 2007 when a combination of money and friends who were junkies conspired to turn my life upside down...I was so happy at first as I finally felt that I belonged to something, that I had a purpose in life even if it was only to make sure that me (and my friends ) were not going to be dope sick. I was even happy really happy as the drugs made me relax and laugh at things , something I had not been able to do in years..........Its a wierd situation and a long story but the short version is that after a crushing divorce and a nervous breakdown  I was sleepwalking thru life for 4 years or so untill the drug thing happened.........since then It has been a rollercoaster of sorts where i go between wishing that It would all just go away, and wishing that I had a ton of money to just shoot drugs.....I went thru a lot of money( an inheritance)  in a short time and now am broke and alone with the added curse of memories of drug use.....I also tried coke which I liked but never (fortunately) got addicted to. Now that the money is gone I am lost and unsure as to who I am......does drug addiction ever end???? I had a good friend who said "the cure for alcholism is drug addiction, and the cure for drug addiction is a bullet to the head........" Not that I am suicidal......but I sometimes wonder if I will ever stop missing it........And the other side to this is the methadone.....I am on 40 ml a day, and am scared to ever go off it, as I am a sook when it comes to pain.....i have been fortunate enough to never suffer a genuine drug withdrawal, as I turned to methadone.....I do however know that the cold sweats the sore knees the puking and the crapping are just the start of it all. I have seen others go through this and therefore dont know if i will ever be able to get off methadone. It is a pain in the butt daily ritual that people who are not aware of could never imagine.....i MUST go to the pharmacy every day without fail or i will get extremly sick very quickly. If I can avoid temptation and put other things first and stay off drugs maybe someday I can get carries......(like bottles to take home) That is what i hope for at this point.I dont know if my post makes any sense... I guess I am justwondering if there is anyone else out the who can relate..... Its a strange place to be in because i am stuck between two worlds and dont really belong to either......BTW speaking of drug movies anyone who downloads torrents might want to check out "The Gift " 1993......a very well made movie by Janes Addiction.....

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

Casey -  I can actually relate - - and I can tell ya right now that I am 60 and have had different types of habits since Vietnam in 1969 - -  spent 3 years in a Federal Prison for a coke smuggling trip that went really badly.......actually have a great many experiences that rival even the best of your movies - - And I also know the feeling that sickness of unimaginable magnitude will arrive before tomorrow if I dont make it down to the clinic.   Today I am around two years clean. And I can tell you that there is indeed life after drug addiction. You have to want it badly though. You have to make being clean a larger goal than working to get take home's - - -  being drug free needs to be a larger and more meaningful goal than being drugged up!  And for your friends philosophy - - dont you know any real men? When push comes to shove a real man will fight for his and his loved ones lives - - there will exist no obstacle that appears to be too much - because you do not allow yourself to let defeat enter your vocabulary.  Your friend is already a loser and he hasnt even entered the game yet.......  I wish you better luck with your efforts and with chosing friends in the future.  I can think of one night in particular in 1969 that i wish your "friend"  were with me for - - - He might have survived - - We only lost 8 out of 30 that dark night.......  But it seemed like we lost everyone......... Maybe he would have tried to surrender that night or something.......

[casey73]

thanx for the reply....honestly sometimes i think i am more addicted to the concept and the "tragic romance" then anything else...the thing is, i have been interested in the concept of  drug addiction for a very long time dating back to the early 1980's when i was 15 or so.....the thing is though i experimented a bit back then with acid, weed etc, that alll changed when i met my husband (who was and still is a pothead), and i just lost interest in the whole thing.........there were very rare instances in our early time togeather when drugs were involved, but it was always on a very experimental occassional level, and it was not synthetic heroin.... (i'm talking snorting coke, doing acid...etc)..I did drink, maybe a bit too much, but that was it.

Things likely would have stayed like that, had the seris of events discribed above not occured.....lose husband, lose mind, be a zombie, inherit $, get to know junkies.......etc.....What made it all so exciting to me ( and i guess the reason i have a hard time letting go) is that honestly, there was a part of me waiting inside to do iv drugs for years and years....and when it became reality, it was impossible to push away, as that part of me got more and more powerful, and infact pretty much took over my whole life......it didnt really question anything untill things got so bad that it was actually "drugs or smokes. drugs or gas, drugs or food......and then parts of my old self started complaining and getting resentful so that even though my junkie friend (who went to jail) (by the way he was not the one i quoted, that was the other guy who moved) was at the time living with me and encouraging me to use with him every day was still there and very much in need of drugs every day, I finally began to stop giving him all the money i could get, and began to ration things a bit because while he would always say...'just get me a pill & i will get u a pck of smokes later" that would never happen and i began to realize that i had to look out for myself as he was really only interested in drugs .....he could literally give up anything as long as he had a fix........He did however give me an identity, and now that he is gone and i am not using every day it does feel empty......at first i was glad and relieved to be able to buy things denied so long...new jeans, nice food, a pack of smokes every day..........but then it felt kind of meaningless without him and our "thing" we did togeather.......the truth is i am a pretty confused person, but what does concern me is that when he gets out and comes back.......it will likely start over again, unless in the next few months i can figure out who i am without the shadow of drugs hanging over me......its just that now all the things in all the movies/books that have essentially been my obcession for the last 30 years or so are real now........so when i see someone shooting up......it is no longer a wonder what that is like its a oh my god i miss that so f**in much.....thats the other thing...i never did learn to do it for myself, so for the entire time have been dependent on someone else to cook, put it in the rig and shoot it for me..........I know i need to let go, its just hard when it is a life long thing.............Were u interested in all that before it became reality????

[LKT84]

Hi- just wanted to let you know that your not alone. I have felt the way that you feel before. i too am currently on methadone and have been on it for 4 years now. when i first got on it it was my last hope of getting clean it was either get on methadone or die with the needle in my arm.

I am 25 years old and started using heroin when i was 16. i started with drinking and smoking weed and very quickly graduated to snorting coke then snorting heroin and was introduced to shooting it and smoking coke. and by 18 i ended up in rehab for the first time. i was in and out of rehab 15 times in 2 years. and i can still remember the despair the hopeslesness the wanting to live a better life but not being able to overcome the cravings and urges to want to get high. if i did make it through rehab i would get high the day i got out. it was horrible i really wanted to change my life but their was no light at the end of the tunnel. know what i mean? it was the people i surrounded myself with- or at least thats what i would tell myself, if i could just get away from thoese people i would be okay. but everytime i would end up alone with just myself i would end up going in the city and coppin myself and the viscious cycle would continue.

i hurt my family so bad for years my mom would just wait for that phone call that i was dead. I even lived on the streets in DC at one point in time staying in hotel and stealing from stores and selling the stuff to pawn shops for 3 months i didnt care i just didnt want to be ill. i would stay up for nights on binges,  i physically looked like i was going to die any minute. i was in and out of jail for various crimes related to my using. I contracted hep. c from sharing needles, it got to the point where i didnt care where the needle came from i just needed it to get my dope in me. That is so sick now that i think about it i cant believe my addiction took me to the places that it did, and i was completley okay with it at the time.so many times i just wanted to give up. i would just pray that i would OD one day and die.

I hated god and didnt believe in him because i thought if their was a god he wouldnt let anyone live a life like this. but i never stopped trying. i kept going back to rehab and kept trying. i lived in a few recovery houses and seemed to accumulate days and weeks sometimes even months of being clean at a time, but would always go back to wanting to feel that rush when you stick that needle in your arm. i think i was just as addicted to sticking the needle in my arm as i was the high from the dope. i just couldnt get past wanting to feel that way. it really grabs a hold of you and dosent let go for anything. but i started going to NA meetings every now and then and meeting people every now and then and these people had their **** together. i started to see that their was another way of life out their and that i didnt have to die a dope fiend. that their were people out their that were just as bad as me that had completley changed their life and i started to think maybe their was hope out their for me.

when i first got on methadone i didnt stay clean but eventually after a few years i started getting longer amounts of clean time in between the times i would use and i kept using less and less and less. and i met a guy who was in NA too and we kinda helped each other. Being around someone that knew what i was going through but that wanted to stay clean just as bad as me really helped a lot. we just kept going to meetings and (i think i used a few times and he didnt know about it) but we moved into a recovery house together and being their helped a lot. i didnt want to get high and get us both kicked out so i actually stayed clean and now i have 18 months clean, i have a job, an apartment- their may be 3 of us in a 1 bedroom apt. but its MINE! i have my own furniture,t.v, compter, my daughter has everything she needs, I PAY BILLS! pretty crazy huh? you know it may not seem like much but for me its a complete 360 turn around of what my life was like 18 months ago. a lot of times i still cant believe that this is my life today. it is a complete miracle for me let me tell you.

At 3 weeks clean i eneded up getting pregnant and i have an absolutly beautiful daughter that was born completley healthy. i am happy to say that i did not use while i was pregnant at all. i was still on the methadone and she had to be detoxed off that but she made it. and everyday i look at her and look at what i have it reminds me of why i cant use. i have to stay clean and be here for her and be a good mother. I recently started detoxing off methadone i was on 42mg and came dowm 5 a week for 3 weeks and then went dowm 3mg a week for like 3 weeks and then started going down 2mg a week and now i am down to 12mg. i have not felt sick at all yet and i will continue to go down till i get off.

i know i just told you my entire life story but i say all of that to let you know that your not alone and that thier is HOPE! you can stay clean if you really want to and you dont have to be on methadone for the rest of your life. i wouldnt rush getting off of it until your life is stable and you ahve surrounded yourself with a support system of people that want to help you not hurt you. i dont know if you have ever been to an NA meeting but they really help. you meet people who have been where you are now and who can help you to change your life so maybe you want to try going to one. just hang in their you can do it!

[LKT84]

Oh and you need to get away from that guy. I had a boyfriend that i was with for 3 years and all we did was use together. i would blame him a lot but he would get locked up and get out and i would be trying to do good stay clean and everythime we got together it was inevitable we would get high. that was our relationship. i associated being with him and shooting dope together. i couldnt be with him and stay clean. it wasnt possible. the entire 3 years he was in and out of prision serving time here and their and this last time he got 3 years and we were still together in the beginning but i realized that their was no way that we could be togther and both stay clean. and during this time is when i met the guy that i am with now and although we are both addicts we have never used together. and let me tell u the fact that we have never used together means a whole lot, it really helps. i dont associate our relationship with getting high i associate it with my new life and staying clean.

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

Casey I actually was interested in those things from the git go - - but by the age of 19 people were calling me "Doc" and expecting me to keep them alive - - no time for that back then. I tried snorting smack over there but didnt have a habit or a problem - then.  But I also came back with a decent load of hepatitis - - so I did an experimental clinical chemo trial at Mayo - - saved my life for awhile!  But it was quite brutal and people died during therapy.....I started doing the hydrocodone to get through the last months of chemo - - but when the chemo ended the hydrocodone didnt.  And I also had my days (years) of coke - - I would be glad to discuss things with you if you want to PM me anytime - - - You might benefit from a hobby - anything.....even taking up comedy movie reviews and stuff - whatever interests you. Also some amino acids and supplements if you arent too closely under a Docs care - -  Libraries have good stocks of DVD's with relaxation and breathing exercises....  You have a great many resources if you look into things just a bit - - - and there are plenty of people that will give you their advice - - But its about time to take care of yourself for a few minutes or you will not be any good for anyone!  

[sunshinedaydream3]

dont give up!

you said you recently got clean on just methadone now. give that a shot.  just work toward your take homes!!

i dont know what your takehome max is but work on having clean UAs so you can get to that point, that will take a lot of stress off you and will allow your life to be more normal!

[casey73]

Hi guys....I haven't gone on this in what seems like forever, but when sunshine daydream gave me the link to methadone support everything beagen to make more sense....When I read my post from Nov28th I dont know weather to laugh or cry! I was pretty lost. Since then have gotten into learning about methadone to make that my "thing".....It may not get me high but it does get me clean, and best of all its free & i dont need someone to help me drink it (as i would if it were a shot) . I did a shot on New Years Eve; a whole 30 & it ****** up totally missed.I felt really sad because I had been bein good, hardly ever touched pills, its just that this was a good deal (cheap) and I felt i deserved a treat. So on the 5th when I got more $ I tried again....What a waste of time. It was pure hell waiting for my friend to find a vein...sitting there hardly daring to breath in case I ****** it up. And yeah I got a shot & it was ok.....but was it worth all the time & $? Never,.....since then have not even once been tempted. i know that is not that long..Only 2 weeks. But, this time the difference is I dont miss it at all. I even ran into my dealer the other day at the gas stn. I had $60 in my pocket. I could have scored so easily. I just said hi, nice weather etc. and drove away feeling glad that I had $ for groceries! Now THAT is recovery.
And due to a seris of recent events in my area have been advocateing hard core for MMT. To explain better a quick cut & paste form a letter I wrote to a friend who does not know much about this issue:

The following is re an antimethadone group on facebook:

Indeed. Sadly the person who formed the group (after the tragic death of a friend),is inbelievably ignorant of all things methadone. Common mistakes are :
1-Confusing methadone (a legal medication for both chronic pain and addiction recovery) with crystal meth. (an illigal drug of abuse with no legal use.
2-Not realizing the need for methadone , people love to say things such as "go to NA" "think of your friend who died".....that is all well and fine if the person is well enough to do these things.When someone is in withdrawl however, they are far too busy puking, crapping themselves, aching all over and suffering cold sweats to even think about going to NA.
3-Confusing legal use of methadone (taken as prescribed, usually in a pharmacy wittnessed by a pharmacy worker; and signed for daily by the patient) with illigal use (buying other peoples prescription carries (single doses given to patients when they have earned the privilage of not being required to visit the pharmacy daily).
There are 2 types of people who buy these: addicts trying to quit who are scared/reluctant to get their own script & want to "try methadone out"...& .....teenagers (usually) who think it will get them high. To both types of people carries can be deadly due to one crucial fact:
THERE IS NO STANDARD DOSE....The medicine in the bottle might be 40ml...or it could be 80...or 110....who knows? Not the person buying it thats for sure.
Methadone has been involved in numerous overdose deaths. Howver note the INVOLVED. In nearly all cases the deceased was also doing other drugs as well &/or drinking. Also in almost all cases the deceased did not have a script and was playing the russian roulette game of carries.Since the sale of carries is illigal, no one would ever leave anything on the bottle to ID the patient dose etc. This is the point I was trying to get across to these people with no avail. They just are not able to understand the differences mentioned above. This problem is HUGE. WORLDWIDE in fact. Check out methadone man.

Take care....sorry for writing so much but it is very hard to explain the probem in a few words. That perhaps is why ignorance abounds. People need a scapegoat, and methadone is often one.


Take Care all.....If anyone would like to contact me write to:
***@****, as I dont come on here much but would like to hear from you