fear of the unknown

[Pjtwenty]

So I'm at 32 days now clean and clear of any substances. I spent about 3 years of altering my mind with opiates and kratom.

I'm not saying I'm craving or thinking about using. I'm doing really well on that front. I've been doing very well, compared to weeks ago, the past 5 days. Not really depressed but not really happy. My anxiety is much improved I think from the Zoloft I started 20 days ago. But I feel FLAT. Does that make sense. My head is a lot clearer but still foggy in a sense. I guess going so long being "happy" from drugs you forget that life can be pretty boring at times.

My fear is silly when I write it out but it's a fear of going backwards. NOT using, just back to that darkness during wds. Yes I know, don't use and you won't go back. I guess it was so intense I still have sort of PTSD or something. =-O

So just for reassuring the head fog, sadness, fear of the unknown are normal?  I go to my therapist tonight and can't wait!

Sum up my feelings, happy/sad, content/restlless  

I guess I'll have to hear the dreaded word TIME. Haha.

[Andie015]

It takes so much time to truly get back to you and how you were before you started using. You have to recreate yourself. It's awesome that you have hobbies and interests, just roll with that, slowly but surely your motivation for these things will return and you will enjoy these activities again. Congrats on your clean time!! You are doing so well and you owe it to yourself to keep pushing on and get better and better...am I right?....of course I am!!!! Wink wink..... ;)

[ariley13]

It can do that PJ. It usually will level out after a while. If you are still feeling that way in a couple of days, I would see what your dr. thinks. I hope it passes soon, especially since the anxiety is getting under control.

[ImDONENoMore]

I don't know your history, but your questions are quite concerning.  And I'm pretty sure this is the last place you'll get info on how to obtain any substance that's considered quite dangerous and highly addictive.  I've never read a single experience from kratom that was a positive one.

Are you looking to stop using?  I'm confused.  (wouldn't be the first time, though!)

[happypill]

But, what IS it? (Kratom) do you buy it? smoke it? is it a foreign prescription? can i get any details?

[BelleFemme]

Hey you...I know you have days where there is just darkness...confusion...it will pass. I agree with the others, commit to one thing you are passionate about and build from there...I have your back and am always rooting on your success! ;)

[Pjtwenty]

Kratom is addictive!  That's all I will say. You can Google it and find tons of info.

Ariley, I wondered about the ad causing that. I'm on day 20 of Zoloft 25mg. Anxiety is definitely under control.

[ariley13]

PJ that may be part healing process and part antidepressant leveling off. That is a very common complaint and usually does level itself after a few days. Hang in there buddy! You got some great advice from everyone above. You are doing great!

[happypill]

what is Kratom, if I may ask?

[EvolverU]

Both OpenMind24Hours & Sarah make good points. I, too, paint & play music but I've found that returning to them hasn't come naturally yet. I do, maintain, though (that at least for myself) I do need to push myself to do one thing each day. For me, right now, that means Tai Chi/Chi Gong as it's very healing/calming/grounding. Along with not using, it gives me a sense of direction and accomplishment where otherwise I might isolate and go 'dark' on myself. 'Baby Steps' is a good way of putting it. You've got a lot to offer. Treat yourself gently & well.
Here, Annie..

[Pjtwenty]

Good point. Actually one of my life long struggles is overwhelming myself with goals so much I don't ever complete or start them. One step at a time. Or like from what about bob.....baby steps.....

[OpenMind24hours]

Take things as they come and know as long as you don't use everything will get better and better. I love my Guitars. They've been a go-to for many years. When I detoxed I stopped playing for a while as I learned to deal with life on life's terms. But now I'm back into it. (wish we could jam!!) When I was using I stopped all my sports. Using was the first thing on my mind in the morning when my eyes popped open. I'm so glad to not have to live that way. I'm glad I don't have to sweat where the next batch of pills are coming from. I'm back into my sports of windsurfing, fishing... on and on. It has gotten better. Congratulations on your 32 days!

[dominosarah]

Motivation is a hard one.  You said you are mapping out your future which is good, just dont overwhelm your brain.  That can cause confusion and motivation gets put on the back burner even more.  Make a daily goal.  Maybe today you go and get some brushes and paint, the next day maybe paper(i cant draw stick people so i have no clue to painting stuff!).  Keep them simple so you can achieve them.  Maybe going to the park will be the next day.  We seem to want it all right away and that just doesnt happen.

[Pjtwenty]

Thanks y'all for responding.
I've been working out as much as I can. Started playing on a softball team. Been taking my son to the park as often as I can. Trying to pick my guitar up again but I don't seem to have the desire too always.
I'm thinking about painting but I keep putting off buying supplies. I'm trying to map out my future to make life fun but I seem to be excited to do these things but not motivated. Arrrrrgggg.

[EvolverU]

J, I couldn't agree with Sarah more. Time..Time..learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings that we haven't digested during our years of use. (These things tend to come up!) You're strong. You're not alone. We're a bit like raw wounds for a while and guess what? That's OK! We're healing and we're dealing with life for the first time on it's terms. It's almost as if we've been bed-ridden for years and therefore have lost so much muscle tone that we aren't properly equipped. With workout though, the tone returns, eh? So, that's 'The Great Work' -- our sacred and continual mission (and of course to keep our 'Guard Up').

What makes you passionate? Are you into sports? Are there things you wanted to do while you were on drugs that you couldn't do but are now possibilities? I've found we have to kind of push ourselves and not just wait for 'good feelings' like we waited for them with pills, etc.

In short, feeling flat is completely 'normal' (whatever the heck that means!) Great to see you posting. Always pulling for you, mate!

[dominosarah]

This is pretty common to be feeling this way and yes time is the word!  The fear of the unknown is very scary but it is also a time when we leave that that we find ourselves.  Stepping out of our comfort zone is very hard.  It makes us feel vulnerable to everything.  Now is the time to make a new path for yourself.  There is so much to discover now that you are clean.  Take that step.  You will be okay.