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help me please! Dont know what to expect and Im scared

I am new to this. Just joined a few minutes ago and looking for some friends. I need help and support and would love to help someone else. I am wanting off of hydrocodone. I take about 90-100 mg a day and have been for about two years, longer than that on and off. I am so nervous and scared. I decided today that I will NOT take any more! I kept telling myself one more and one more and then say that I would taper myself off. But if I have them I take them til they are gone. I cant control the cut down process. So I have to do this all at once. I dont have a dr and my husband doesnt know that I have been using again. I told him back in Nov. and I stayed clean for only about 10 days and he was wonderful helping me but told me that if I used again that he would leave. Im so scared to go through this by myself. Just looking for some support as I start this process. I'm scared of ehat is about to happen! Somebody please help!!
26 Responses
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Avatar universal
how are you doing?  Its been 4 days?
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Avatar universal
Your gonna get your life back because you are well on your way Just Hang in there And your going to make it We All Are  Keep Posting ANd Ill Keep Reading And Do What i Can To Help.
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Avatar universal
im 35 years old..sorry. Oh and i guess i didnt say this, hydrocodone is my DOC. I have never been one to drink much, i dont do other drugs, i just like the opiates, after a while i dint seek the high anymore, i use just to feel normal. Not sure how I;m gonna handle the aftermath and dread teh day that i figure out how much money I spent on these stupid demon pills. I use to take 10-13 a day most days. Im so tired of looking for pills and spending money just to feel normal again! My husband complains about nothing amking me happy anymore, ive gained weight from laying around, I never laugh anymore. I want to stay hoem all the time. I just want my life back!
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Avatar universal
ok so I am having a rough night so Im gonna talk a little to get thru this, thank you all in advance for listening! I have NEVER seen anything like this forum and this support in my life! If I ramble I am sorry, I'm in a fog, its been 38 1/2 hours since i last took a pill. I am struggling very bad tonight! And sorry about the typos. typing in the dark and just trying to get it all out. Ok so here we go...I am 3 years old, i have 2 biological children and 2 step children. I love them all. I am a student at a community college. I will graduate in exactly one year. I started with pain meds for migraines. My doctor would give me nubain and phenergan in jections to give myself at home, then I had a back injury, so he started prescribing them. And yall know the story from here, just constantly uping the dose and frequency. After my dr easnt giving me enuf and eventually cutting me off nc i was rquesting more and more, i resorted to the streets to get my fix. I have put myself in situation that were def not safe at all and spending money that was not there to spend really. Im sure u know the story. O and I guess i should tel that I am a closet addict, so i thought. In November I came clean to my husband and my mother. They were super suportive but said if I ever used again they would be done with me, so now I have to do this on my own and with no dr. My sobrioty didnt last long at all, i think i lasted about a week and thought that i could just take one and i could control it, boy was i wrong.  Im worse today than i was before i went thru detox in November. I go so far to go three towns over to get my supply thinking that my husband wont find out or i am less likely to get caught. I have been wanting to get clean for a while now, realizing that if i get caught i will lose everything! I wont get my degree with any kind of criminal charges, if i fail a drug test, its gone too. Im spending my money for college on pills, if i spend any more of it I wont have enuf to pay fr the rest of my schooling. I KNOW i need this change and I want it very bad, im tored of the double life and the money i spend and chasing the pills and counting to make sure i have enuf til the next dealer has some. I freak out because im scared that the cops have already caught me and just waiting to bust everybody at the same time. They just done that a few months ago, they arrested people that sold/bought two years ago. So im afraid i am already caught even if i never buy another pill again , so there goes all my hard work to get into my clinicals, then im worried bc I'm going into the nursing feild, so can I handle being around the narcotics once I am clean and sober? I worry about that. I worry that if anybody finds out i have an addiction, then they wont let me be a nurse, is it best if i dont? but then all my hard work goes down the drain. I cant halp but feel like im going to mess my career up, i ALWAYS do! I mess everything up. Sorry I am rambling, I just got to get this off my mind and not be judged. Im sure my husband and mom know that im using again, they are just waiting for me to say something. I am very close to them and the guilt is killing me.
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Avatar universal
Thank You Im Gonna Go Do That Now, I Guess I Have Started Already Knowing what to expect...Been Crying, And Getting Depressed.
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2120911 tn?1350922661
My sister makes a good point
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2083449 tn?1381354708
Hi want2now and welcome to you also! Since you are new here also, you might want to start a new post for yourself! Introduce yourself, tell us your story, or ask a question! That way we can get to know you, and offer advice and support! There are lots of wonderful supportive people that would be happy to help! Take care, and all the best!
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Avatar universal
I Jus Want Every1 to know im here for the long haul so plz help me through this My Partner is the best She Just Says We Will Get Through This And I Know That We Will.
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Avatar universal
Betsee Im With You, I Need You As Much As You Need Me Its My 1st  Day And Im Scared , I Know What To Expect And I Know The Toll Its Gonna Take On My Mind Body And Soul So I Need All The Help That Ia Available.
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Avatar universal
Thank all of you very much, i could never thank you enough
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1970885 tn?1435860428
I used off and on for over 15 years; the last three years were all Norco 10s, 8 to 10 a day, so you and I are very similar in our pattern of abuse.
I too could not taper; you being able to admit that is a good first step.
It sounds like you have gone through detox; you stated that you were clean for 10 days, so you know what to expect. The first four days or so will be hellish, then it gets better. What you don't know quite yet is that there IS life after pills. I couldn't imagine living day to day without Norco; I'd watch my family and wonder how they could get such joy out of simple things - talking together, watching TV, jigsaw puzzles!
You've been given a lot of great advice; I can only add that if you want to get and stay clean, you have to cut all ties to any sources. If you have access to pills, you probably won't' be successful. You are the only one who can do that; you are the only one who can stop putting pills in your mouth.
Keep posting.
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2120911 tn?1350922661
Oh you didnt stumble here by accident. Theres a reason you're here.

I did a quick taper..(very)

Congrats on your decision. I was filled with anxiety the day I quit. Mostly because I didnt know what to expect mentally and kept torturing myself with whacked out scenarios like dying in my sleep or losing my mind. (none of that happened)  atleast the dying from withdrawl part. ha

You have an illness/disease like most of us here. If I take opiates I will abuse them until something stops the obsessive process. My options are prison,insanity or death. Choose life...

we're all here for ya


Free~
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2083449 tn?1381354708
Hi Betsee! You can make it through this! There is lots of support here! Just make sure you have a plan and stick with it! You are gonna feel like you have a bad flu for a few days, and then much better! The Thomas Recipe ingredients really help! Light exercise is also key! Get up and try to get outside for short walks! Stay hydrated! Lots of water, Gatorade, it helps get the toxins out of your body! Immodium really helps with the bathroom and other issues! Start thinking about aftercare, its very important for long term success! Post here any time you have a question or need some support! I am clean about 40 days from Roxicodone abuse! It's not an easy process, but so very worth it! Best wishes! You can do this!
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Avatar universal
ahh, you made me feel better, thats what i sadi, the pills are going to kill me if i dont stop!! Thank you very much! I needed to hear that
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Avatar universal
Thank you!! You really helped me alot! And  that is a huge progress to make it as long as you have! Im gonna go to the drug store and stock up in just a lil bit! Please just stay with me thru this! Im so scared and now im scared that Im gonna die from this cold turkey, if i dont stop now, im gonna lose everything! I am 35 years old and in college, i graduate in a year, they are going to drug test eventually and even tho I have a prescription, they may check my levels. Thats not the only reason I want to quit tho, dont mis understand me, i been wanting to stop for a long time. Anyway, i know im rambling but, i told my husband that i had a migraine today, i have a long history of those, thats what got me started on pain meds. So my feeling bad today has an explanation for him. and i think i forgot to tell you that i did come clean to my husband back in nov and he told me if i ever put another pill in my mouth he would leave me. i done ok for a little while but then it just got worse after i thought i could just take one for a headache. I am just scared and it being a holiday week, we have plans and im scared of how im going to feel and my family know why. but then if you say i need to be busy then this wil be a good week, and its prob best that i dont just make it where i can lay around and think about pills all day long!!
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Avatar universal
You aren't going to die from opiate withdrawal unless you have a)an underlying health condition or b)you have been abusing benzos or alcohol too.  You may feel rough but will not actually die, though  many of us thought we would while we were doing it!  Keep an eye on your blood pressure is all I would advise, healthwise.  You may die if you do NOT stop.  I almost did, and I didn't think it was possible with my kind of tolerance.  Just hang in there, and take it a little at a time until it's over.  
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Avatar universal
thank you for your help and advice. Thats what I'm scared of! That this will kill me! I tried calling a clinic but it was like 2000 dollars to get started. I dont have that kind of money, and no insurance. The way I see it is these pills are going to kill me anyway, so if I die trying to get clean atleast I know that I am trying. I am scared to death! Please keep in touch and congrats on your progress!
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Avatar universal
All I have is you guys! I dont have a family doctor, i might have somebody that can help me tho. Thanks for your reply!
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Avatar universal
Thank you so much!
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Avatar universal
Aww thank you so much for replying! I need you ! Please stay with me! I am gonna go to the drug store in just a few. Thank you so much!! ANd congrats! Im so proud of you!
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Avatar universal
Hey there, just wanted to say hello and welcome... you're not alone.. many of us have been in the same situation.... lots of secret detoxers here... you dont have to be scared as you know what to expect the WD... but I would get the thomas recipe stuff to help with that.... U do need to stay busy this week.. and it will be about finding out who you are again... you'll be emotionally because you'll be feeling again but that is a good things... you have taken the biggest step admitting your problem and seeking help... you will face the demons that got you addicting and those should be addressed in your aftercare process.... support groups are good like NA...
as for stopping CT or taper... everyone works differently here... some people are ok with taper and others are not... I did it CT and it was the best decision for me.... the first week is hell and then it gets better... I wish you had your husbands support to get through this but I understand your fear for not wanting to tell him.... 43 days ago isnt long but I'm clean from abusing norco CT and for me that was the best decision... Just hang in there and post as you go through this... people will be here for you... you can do this... mind over matter... you tell yourself you want this bad enough then lets do it...you will be so much happier in the end you decided to make the change ok.... big hugs and good luck!!!!  
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Avatar universal
I hope this helped u a little...the best advice I can offer is learn about you...what do u like to do? Hobbies? I had to learn about who I was I had been usi.g so long I had no idea who "Kirsten" was or what she liked/disliked. Its extremely important to learn how to fill your days with positive things because idle time is the devils playground...today I keep busy because if I don't my addiction will take over again....I had to change EVERYTHING in my life people;places; things....and most importantly remind myself everyday I am an addict & if I don't treat my disease or do something positive it will run my life again! I will keep you in my prayers & feel free to ask me anything if u wish. U should be proud of yourself this is a big step...take care if yourself & tell yourself u love u even if u don't believe it! I faked it till I made it
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Avatar universal
Hi my name is Kirsten. I completely understand your fears but it will be o.k. A little about myself I'm a recovering heroin/opiate addict I used for 17 yrs I did 3-4grams of heroin/day on top of fentanyl patches and any opiate pill I could get my hands on. By the grace of God; a lot of hard work; and willingness (u only need a lil) Ive been clean off all opiates/heroin for 2.5 yrs. I do take a drug called suboxone which if u never heard of it Its definetely worth considering. I tried everything known to man to quit but just like u nothing ever worked! In fact every time I relapsed my use would increase. I must warn u to be extremely cautious going "cold turkey" it can kill you. I did rehabs halfway houses and jail...nothing could stop me even though I wanted to stop. One thing I know for sure u cant do this alone!  U can attend meetings AA;CA; NA or some sort of support group there u will meet people going thru similar struggles. As far as your husband goes...I will share my experience but I believe if I was honesty will always prevail. My husband did end up leaving me but not because of my using but because of my lying;cheating;& stealing...which by nature I don't fit into any of those descriptions but my addiction sure allowed me to practice each one of those....I had to take some days one minute at a time...other days weren't so bad but I'm here to tell u my worst day now cant even compare to my best day using
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Avatar universal
Hi!  Try not to worry too much.  You can do this!  Can you talk to a doc about some meds to help you?  I couldn't taper either.  Tried many times.  I didn't have the self control to do it!  If I got back on them again, it would be the same story!  You just have to take this a day or a minute at a time.  It doesn't take that long to feel better.  It just feels that way.  

Is there anyone you can go to for support?
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