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Avatar universal

help please

Ok, I've been reading from this site for a few weeks now and have decided it's time to stop being a spectator and join in. I have been using Lortab for about 2 years now and I have stopped a thousand times and restarted a thousand and one. I cant do this on my own. It started out as just a way to make the day go better as I would buy them from a coworker. Now I find myself spending the biggest part of every day looking for them. I know I have to quit but I just cant. Let me tell you what a typical day is for me. I wake up at about 2:00 a.m. start flipping the channels on the t.v. cause I know I wont go back to sleep. At 5:00 I get up, make myself a cup of coffee and take the last 5 or 6 lortab 10's that I have. At 6:00 I make my wife a cup of coffee and wake her up to get ready for work. At 7:00 I take my wife to work, come home, start thinking about where I am going to find some more Lortabs to get me through the day. At 9:00 I start calling all of the usual people where I have bought from in the past. If I am lucky I will find something before 3:30 when it is time to pick my wife back up for work. I should tell you that I was working in a factory for several years, making great money, until a year ago when the factory closed and put everyone out of work. Anyway if I dont find anything by the time I pick her up then I will make an excuse to leave and go out and find some. If i'm lucky I may find 10 or 15 tabs. When I get them I swear to myself that I am only going to take if I am in absolute pain, but by the end of the day I will have taken all but enough to get me started the next day.Then at 2:00 a.m. I am back up to start over again. I know I cant live like this much longer but when I try to quit I hurt and ache so bad that getting more is all I can think about. My lorst and scariest experience happened last week. I have been taking money out of our savings account to buy the tabs with, since I'm not working I pay all the bills and my wife does'nt pay much attention to the bank account. Last week I took out 500:00 dollars and set off to find some pills. I have noticed that I have been searching in progressively more dangerous places, Anyhow I find myself a few hours later in the bad area of town talking to someone who I didnt know, he was introduced to me by a guy that is a freind of a person I usually buy from. He told me to follow him to his house because he had some tabs there. On the way ther he stopped in the middle of the street and picked up another guy, then proceeded a few blocks to a gas station. He got out of his car, came over to mine and told me that he didnt have any tabs but this guy he picked up had a lot that he would sell cheap. The other guy got out of his car and got into mine and told me his grandmother had them and I would need to take him back down the street. I drove back to where he had initially gotten in the car with the other guy and he told me to pull into the driveway. The house looked vacant to me and nothing felt righht about it but I wanted the pills so bad I didnt care. He said we would have to enter through the back door so I followed him to the back . I knew my instincts were right when he turned around and stuck a gun in my face and demanded all of my money. I never felt so much fear in my life. One minute I was about to make a big score and the next I was begging him not to kill me. He took my money and ran off and left me standing there shaking. I got back in my car and drove home, swearing to myself that I was done with them because it wasnt worth dying for.  The next day I was back out on the streets looking again. What is wrong with me? I have always considered myself to be a strong minded person. If that were true then why cant I stop this. I know that if I dont I will eventually be found dead somewhere, but I just cant stop myself. I have thought about trying rehab but I would be to embarassed. I know I could'nt do it without my friends and family finding out, and I dont know how I would face them. It's now 11:00 a.m. and I'm back where I've been a thousand times. I have enough left for one more "fix". then I am out looking again. I want to take it now but I know if I do and I dont find any today I will suffer tonight. What I really want is for things to go back the way they were before I started taking this **** but I dont know how to get there. I could tell a lot more on my story, like how I've went to so many doctors complaining of pain in order to get the pills, but from what I've read in this forum I guess thats pretty typical. I'm sorry my first letter is so long, but I just wanted everyone to have an idea of where I am coming from. I know I need help and I keep reading on here how talking helps so much so I thought I would try it.                    Thanks
25 Responses
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271792 tn?1334979657
PHEW!!!! Well, you qualify.

Sounds like it is just as much mental for you as it is physical. That is the nature of this disease. First, I think you need to get honest with your wife. The guilt alone is probably keeping you using. Then, you need to get help. I can only suggest inpatient treatment because you have done this so many times and cannot do it alone..so it seems.

Your story is no different than anyone here. Also, know you are not alone.

Hope you will stay with the forum. Hope you will listen to the advise of the good folks here.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I agree with Kleen; you need to confide in your wife.  Telling my wife was a turning point for me.  I spent the first three days thinking that if I hadn't told her I could get some more pills and this would all be over.  Man I'm glad I told her, otherwise I would still be making deals with shady people rather than living right with those that I love.  Just think how much better you will be without having the burden of finding drugs every day.

Time
13 Days - better than ever!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
have you looked into Suboxone? After 6yrs I finally made the leap and JUST DID IT!!! No one knew I went and was put on it (except my boyfriend) Honesty is the best thing and you should talk to your wife, but if your not ready to do that yet, you could go and start the Suboxone and in time you will be able to be honest with her. If you have insurance it should cover it. If not, the amount of $$$ your spending now on pills could be spent on treatment.  On Suboxone you will feel "normal" again. I have made soooo many better choices since I started on it. The hardest part was the "fear" of W/D, which you do not have w/ suboxone. When I started I went into the Clinic every day and got dosed and worked my way to taking home a weeks worth at a time, which you could easily do since you have time to go out and look for pills daily. some dr'.s even give you a RX for it so you only have to go in ance a month. If this is something your interested in, there a many people who are on, or have been on Suboxone that can help lead you in the right direction.

You made the first BIG step by coming here and asking for help, so dont give up, just take "baby steps" and keep coming here and talking to others.

Good Luck
Tink  :)
Helpful - 0
352798 tn?1399298154
I totally agree about the honesty. It is too hard do try to do this on your own. I agree with tink1127. Switching to a legal means is a far safer route to go! What is more important, living or being shot? We are here to support you. Drug dealers don't care about you one bit.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I know your right but I just dont know how to tell her. I swear, i feel like a baby. Here i am a grown man and i cant stop crying after reading your response. It's nice to know that someone understands. I know I have to talk to my wife but I am so scared that she will be so disapointed and hate me for it. I love her so much and I know I could'nt handle losing her, especially over something that I did.  Deep down I know that she has such a good heart that she would do anything to help. But a small part of ,a part large enough to stop me, keeps saying that she will hate me for it. I wouldnt even know how to bring it up. The day that guy stole my money I told myself all day that I was going to tell her when she got home from work but when the time came I just couldnt do it. How do you suggest I bring up the subject. I quess I could let her read this blog and then discuss it with her afterwards but I am so scared of losing her over it.
Helpful - 0
352796 tn?1200607746
I know exactly the "yucky" feeling you get when trying to score.  Before I went to treatment, my only "friend" was this loser who lived for free in a home I owned in exchange for Methadone.  Well, progressively he started charging more and more, and could only give me fewer and fewer pills until I finally said F*** IT.  I broke down, told my wife and 4 hours later was on my way to treatment.  Like ITISTIME, I regretted opening my mouth because I would have scored in a day or two, but in the long run it was well worth it.
My w/d's lasted nearly three weeks b/c of the Methadone and I never felt totally right.  In my opinion, I was detoxed too quickly from Subutex in the treatment facility.  Three months out of rehab, I was stealing Fentanyl and Dilaudid from an old woman with cancer and doing everything I could to score- doctor shopping, etc.  Finally, I was confronted by my grandpa when I stole pills from his wife (my Grandma died in 1996).  The cat was out of the bag--again--and thankfully this time I looked up a doctor on the NAABT website.
I don't believe in God-although I wish I did- but it was truly a miracle when I found my doctor.  I live in SD and there are only two doc's in the state who do Sub.  One is 7 hours away and the one who is 2 hours away wouldn't take me for some reason.  I found a doctor in Fargo, ND who has been wonderful.  We have an honest, open relationship and understands my dilemma of travel and will call in scripts if I can't make it and the list goes on and on.
TRY SUBOXONE!!
It has literally saved my life.
Good luck.

Luke
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
thanks to all, it is reassuring to know that so many understand. I am going to try and look into the suboxone and possibly try it. At this point I guess I have nothing more to loose. I will keep in touch.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I know that this is a very scary diesease.I know you can do this though.After you tell your wife you will feel like a weight has been lifted off of your sholders.That alone will make you feel so much better.Im sure she will be upset at first,but then im sure she will want to help.

How many do you take a day?

your in my thoughts
Jennifer
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
i know it seems hard telling your wife, but if your story is like mine (and it sounds very similar), your wife knows something is wrong.  She may not know that it's pain pills, but she knows that you are not acting like your self.  When I told my wife, she was upset, but also relieved that it wasn't something else.  While using, I was very distant, almost like a zombie to my wife.  Not telling her my secret was eating me up inside.  Telling her was a relief to me, that I didn't have to lie anymore, that I didn't have to pretend to have the flu anymore.  Since I told her we have been completely open and honest with each other.  She did many things that helped me during the withdrawals (exercising with me, scheduled me a massage, brought me soup and vitamin water, kicked me in the butt, etc.).  Most importantly, I had someone to talk to about my problem.  Don't get me wrong, this forum is great and I have received invaluable advice from the kind people here, but this forum is not a substitute for face-to-face conversations with someone you love and trust.

How you tell her is up to you.  Just tell her the truth and it will set you free.

It is time!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I know I need to tell her but I think I fear that part the most. I have been sitting here reading all of the comments and doing a lot of soul searching, and I still dont know what to do . To be honest, I just got off the phone from trying unsucessfully to make an appointment with a physician. when I hung up the next call was to a "friend" of nine to try and find some tabs. I will be honest, part of me hates me for wanting this stuff so bad, cut another part says that it is okay. I keep thinking that if I can just get enough to get through one more doy that I can quit tomorrow. but tomorrow never comes. On a "good"day when I can find it I take about 6 10mg Lortabs and 2 350mg soma 3 or 4 times a day. I hate to think about the total number I have taken over the last year alone. I've only been on this forum for a few hours and I already feel myself slipping. I have enough left to take one more time and part of me wants to take it right now, yet another part knows I will need it to sleep tonight. I dont know what to do, I guess I will hold off as long as I can.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
i have to ask you: are you really afraid of telling your wife because "she will hate you?"  or is it because once the cat is out of the bag, then the jig is really up?

forgive me if i'm wrong, but I felt like that's what i really heard in your post.  especially since in the same breath you said she's incredibly loving and supportive.

it seems to me you have to really ask yourself that question. if you really, really want to get clean, I think - as everyone else does - you need to confide in her.  that is the first step...

good luck, my friend.  please stop this madness, or you will end up dead...

-mj
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
It has nothing to do with the "jig" being up. She knows that I take some from time to time. She just doesnt know the real frequency or amount. She is very loving and supportive. Every man should know the kind of love that I get from this woman. The 29th of this month is my 25th wedding anniversary and I am only 44. We got married young and have been through hell together, and through it all she has been by me. But I am so scared that the disappointment will be more than she can handle. I came on here looking for advice and help from people who have been there and I was so thankful of everyones comments until I read yours. After I had finally stopped crying, just feeling sorry for myself I guess, you got me started all over again. I dont know exactly to take your question. I do want to quit, and I appologize if you mis interpeted my motives. But I also want to thank you for forceing me to ask myself that tough question. Until you asked I thought I knew. Now I fear that maybe I was caught up in reading all the comments from member to member and admiring all the support everyone gives to each other. This is my first day here so I dont have a lot of victory stories about how many days I have been clean. But one thing I do know is that I want to stop and will continue to read, and attempt to respond to all advice, And some day soon, regardless of what you think my alterior motive is, I will be able to brag about my victory.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
God Bobby...I am so,so sorry.  I in no way meant to judge you.... I thought it was just a possibility, that's all.  Being an addict myself, it was just the first thought that came to my mind - that perhaps unconciously it was one more way to keep using.  I didn't mean it as a judgement or anything like that... I only said it as I thought it might be something that could be going on with you...

I apologize profusely, and know I only said it because I thought it might help.  Clearly I was wrong.

I wish you nothing but good things, and a happy life.  And I am certain you will beat this.

Again, I am so very sorry...

God bless,
mj
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
In a way, I think mj is right about all of us.  The drugs that have clouded are brains for so long are selfish.  They don't want us to think about anything but them, not our family, not our friends, not our work, not our finances.  It's not until the drugs are out of our brains that we see what has really happened.  We shut out all the good things in life for some ridiculous idea of needing chemicals to make us happy.  All the while, the drugs are thinking for you, telling you:  "If you tell her, the jig will be up and I will make you pay".  I know these thoughts because they were my own.  On the fourth day of my recovery, something changed.  I realized what I had been doing.  I can not beleive that I allowed myself to get like that, but I did, and now I vow to never let it happen again.

You have control of your life.  Don't listen to the drug thoughts because they are not your own.  In a short time you will feel like a new person.

Time
Lucky 13 days
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I know what waterboy said is probably true but it was a hard reality for me to swallow. I started writing on here because I want to stop and I have unsuccessfully tried many times in the past on my own. I see the support that everyone here gives to each other and I know that is something I will need in order to win this battle. In all honesty when I first read the comment from marcatj I got angry. I thought , how dare someone who does"nt know me question my motives. It made me mad. But then I read it over and over and I started to see what mj meant by it. I at first thought he was questioning as to weather I was lying to everyone about my problem and my desire to quit. I later realized he was asking weather I was lying to myself about why I cant. I wish I had waited longer before responding to him about his comment. Marcatj, if your reading this I appologize for mistaking your help as an attack an my judgement.  I realize now that you were only trying to help, and your comment did open my eyes and force me to think from a different perspective. Thank You for caring enough to ask. And thank you waterboy, for helping me to understand. I know that I will beat this thing. I just got off the phone with a doctors office who has scheduled me to come in to discuss different treatment options, such as the suboxone that nogie1717 was telling me about. I will be on this site often and hopefully some day soon I will be able to start sharing my victory stories with everyone. I have never been what you would call a very religious person but I do believe in God. I would only ask that you pray for God to help me through this. Thanks
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
First off, I am calling you the Waterboy.  In the Adam Sandler movie "The Waterboy", Sandler's character's name is Bobby Boushea.

That is great that you're seeking treatment.  I went cold turkey myself, but I hear that Suboxone has worked wonders for a lot of people.  And if you really get to skip the physical withdrawals, I'm all for it because withdrawals are no walk in the park.  Keep it up, think positive, and you will make it.

It Is Time!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
sweetheart.... absolutely no need to apologize.  in addition to support, sometimes we ask each other the tough questions, too.  sometimes we're right, sometimes we're wrong... but i do think you will always get the truth here, at least the best attempts at it!!!

and I say KUDOS to you for already calling the doctor.  that's fantastic - you haven't even been on here a day!!!  shows alot of strength, my friend.

God bless you Bobby.  glad you are here... I know when I got here a few months ago I had never been so scared or desperate in my whole life.  and these wonderful people made me feel I wasn't alone.  nor are you...

you're gonna beat this buddy....

with luv,
:)
mj
(oh yeah, i'm a female :-)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am praying for your safety first, and then I ask God to help you beat this addiction without sub or anything else. Just be safe friend. How many times that could have happened to me or any of us. God was with you that day...you could have been killed. please be careful
Helpful - 0
350867 tn?1208242009
I bet if you show this forum to your wife, or even just print out this thread she will understand.  this forum is the only way i stopped being "in denial" about my own addiction and decided to quit.  Before I read it I kept reassuring myself that I was in constant pain and there was no Dr. taht would ever undestand pain and a built -up tolerance... Boy was I soooo wrong.  
Helpful - 0
353208 tn?1260866985
It sounds like you already have some victory stories; you have shown acceptance of who you are, have taken responsibility in seeking treatment, and care enough for your wife to not want to hurt her.
I know it is a leap of faith, years ago I did the same thing with darvocet, taking about 30/day.  I quit 1 month before a major spine surgery.  My wife found out about 3 hours ago while we were talking about this site.  She and I are going thru this together, both on day 10, both off of lortab, soma, xanax and smoking cigs.
If you want it you will do it.  And remember, there are alot of people here to keep your resolve on a high note, it has for me even if I was in the backround.
God Bless
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Avatar universal
you're a good man, my friend.

i'm just sayin'... :-)

-mj
Helpful - 0
352798 tn?1399298154
You are making the right steps. Have you been able to tell your wife yet? It feels so much better when they are with you on this journey. She sounds like a wonderful woman. I hope you are doing better now. Sharing with those on this forum is also a great help too. By even being on this forum you have shown strength and courage. Our prayers are with you.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Well it's day 2, or actually day one again. Yesterday after i signed off, one of my "freinds" called and said he had 40 tabs for me. I didnt want them, I swear i didnt, but I went over and got them. After I took some last night I thought I felt so much better. Then this morning, after laying awake most of the night, I cant help but wonder why I am so stupid and weak. I want to stop so bad, and I dont think it is really about the pain that I take them. I find myself taking them before I ever feel any pain, then by the time I am honestly hurting, I am out of pills and back on the streets looking for more. I called yesterday about the suboxone, but the earliest appointment I could get was mid Janurary. So I decided to try the taper thing. I made a chart with time and amount on it. Each day I progressively take less than the day before. As long as I stick to the chart, I will be done in 10 days. I am going to stick to this chart one way or another, I have to. I cant continue to live like this. There have been times when I have been out of pills and I hurt so bad that for breif moments I would thinj about ending it all. Then I would think about my wife and grandchildren and realize how stupid that would be to leave the ones who love me so much. Then I would curse myself for being to weak to go through with it. Afterwards I would get more pills and start the same cycle all over again. I want to thank everyone who took the time both yesterday, and today, out of their day to listen to me and offer such support. It takes a truely special person to be willing to take the time to offer helpful advice to someone that they have never met. I especially want to thank you, Marcatj, for your words. I initially misunderstood what you meant by your comment and question, but after I read it several times I realized you were right. I know I need to talk to my wife about this but I dont know how. Like you, she has such a good heart, and I fear doing anything that would hurt her. I am so scared that she will hate me for being so selfish and weak. I cant live without her, and the thought of losing her is not something I can handle right now. I will talk to her, I promise, but I just cant do it right now. Marcatj, do you think, when I am ready to talk to her, you can help me. I feel sort of guilty for asking you this, but it seems as though somehow you really can read through what I am writing and see into my soul. I know it is probably an odd request to ask from a perfect stranger. I know I will need help finding the right words and you seem to understand me.  I have never been an extremely religious person but somehow I feel as though God has brought me to this forum for a reason. I know that if I can bring this out in the open with her that I will make it. I may have slipped and fallen yesterday, but today is a new day and I have started it with my feet back on the ground. I WILL WIN. thanks to all for taking the time to listen to me and offer support. I vow that long after I am done with my addiction I will still be here and offer advice and a soft shoulder to others as you have done for me                                           Thanks
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
of course i will... i would be happy to.

you know, i have gone through so many similar things you are... eating all my pills, then the back pain REALLY kicking in, then feeling such self-loathing because i was weak, and stupid, and didn't have them for when i really needed them...

but here's the thing:  you are not weak, nor stupid. your just addicted.  and Bobby - you CAN beat it.  so many have.. why not you? i know you said in your post you can, and i am only reinforcing the issue! :-)  you really will be ok.  it's just going to take some work.  and possibly some things you may not want to do (it could require you going to NA meetings, a therapist, etc.) and telling your wife.  i actually think she probably knows something is up already... your behavior must be different, and women are very intuitive... i bet she either says "i already know" or "well now, that makes sense..."

sweety, i'll be here whenever you need me.  i can't tell you how many were here for me (and still are) when i needed support.  and let's worry about getting you healthy, and clean, then you can think about "giving back" then.  but don't worry about that now... you will do that, it comes naturally after getting help here!!  so it's ok to just worry about you right now, and take in help from me, and everyone else...

also, i want you to know that the "wanting to end it all" feeling definitely goes away after the junk is out of your system.  i remember feeling that all too well.  it's the pills.  trust me on this... when your system gets cleaned out, that kind of darkness lets up.

Bobby, i certainly don't have this whole thing wired, i still struggle, and i am no expert, but i would be happy and honored to give you any help you want or need at any time.  just tell me whatever that is, and i will be there... promise.

with much luv,
mj
Helpful - 0
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