help please

[bobbyboushea]

Ok, I've been reading from this site for a few weeks now and have decided it's time to stop being a spectator and join in. I have been using Lortab for about 2 years now and I have stopped a thousand times and restarted a thousand and one. I cant do this on my own. It started out as just a way to make the day go better as I would buy them from a coworker. Now I find myself spending the biggest part of every day looking for them. I know I have to quit but I just cant. Let me tell you what a typical day is for me. I wake up at about 2:00 a.m. start flipping the channels on the t.v. cause I know I wont go back to sleep. At 5:00 I get up, make myself a cup of coffee and take the last 5 or 6 lortab 10's that I have. At 6:00 I make my wife a cup of coffee and wake her up to get ready for work. At 7:00 I take my wife to work, come home, start thinking about where I am going to find some more Lortabs to get me through the day. At 9:00 I start calling all of the usual people where I have bought from in the past. If I am lucky I will find something before 3:30 when it is time to pick my wife back up for work. I should tell you that I was working in a factory for several years, making great money, until a year ago when the factory closed and put everyone out of work. Anyway if I dont find anything by the time I pick her up then I will make an excuse to leave and go out and find some. If i'm lucky I may find 10 or 15 tabs. When I get them I swear to myself that I am only going to take if I am in absolute pain, but by the end of the day I will have taken all but enough to get me started the next day.Then at 2:00 a.m. I am back up to start over again. I know I cant live like this much longer but when I try to quit I hurt and ache so bad that getting more is all I can think about. My lorst and scariest experience happened last week. I have been taking money out of our savings account to buy the tabs with, since I'm not working I pay all the bills and my wife does'nt pay much attention to the bank account. Last week I took out 500:00 dollars and set off to find some pills. I have noticed that I have been searching in progressively more dangerous places, Anyhow I find myself a few hours later in the bad area of town talking to someone who I didnt know, he was introduced to me by a guy that is a freind of a person I usually buy from. He told me to follow him to his house because he had some tabs there. On the way ther he stopped in the middle of the street and picked up another guy, then proceeded a few blocks to a gas station. He got out of his car, came over to mine and told me that he didnt have any tabs but this guy he picked up had a lot that he would sell cheap. The other guy got out of his car and got into mine and told me his grandmother had them and I would need to take him back down the street. I drove back to where he had initially gotten in the car with the other guy and he told me to pull into the driveway. The house looked vacant to me and nothing felt righht about it but I wanted the pills so bad I didnt care. He said we would have to enter through the back door so I followed him to the back . I knew my instincts were right when he turned around and stuck a gun in my face and demanded all of my money. I never felt so much fear in my life. One minute I was about to make a big score and the next I was begging him not to kill me. He took my money and ran off and left me standing there shaking. I got back in my car and drove home, swearing to myself that I was done with them because it wasnt worth dying for.  The next day I was back out on the streets looking again. What is wrong with me? I have always considered myself to be a strong minded person. If that were true then why cant I stop this. I know that if I dont I will eventually be found dead somewhere, but I just cant stop myself. I have thought about trying rehab but I would be to embarassed. I know I could'nt do it without my friends and family finding out, and I dont know how I would face them. It's now 11:00 a.m. and I'm back where I've been a thousand times. I have enough left for one more "fix". then I am out looking again. I want to take it now but I know if I do and I dont find any today I will suffer tonight. What I really want is for things to go back the way they were before I started taking this **** but I dont know how to get there. I could tell a lot more on my story, like how I've went to so many doctors complaining of pain in order to get the pills, but from what I've read in this forum I guess thats pretty typical. I'm sorry my first letter is so long, but I just wanted everyone to have an idea of where I am coming from. I know I need help and I keep reading on here how talking helps so much so I thought I would try it.                    Thanks

[uvlvrebel]

I bet if you show this forum to your wife, or even just print out this thread she will understand.  this forum is the only way i stopped being "in denial" about my own addiction and decided to quit.  Before I read it I kept reassuring myself that I was in constant pain and there was no Dr. taht would ever undestand pain and a built -up tolerance... Boy was I soooo wrong.  

[loriegurl]

I am praying for your safety first, and then I ask God to help you beat this addiction without sub or anything else. Just be safe friend. How many times that could have happened to me or any of us. God was with you that day...you could have been killed. please be careful

[marcatj]

sweetheart.... absolutely no need to apologize.  in addition to support, sometimes we ask each other the tough questions, too.  sometimes we're right, sometimes we're wrong... but i do think you will always get the truth here, at least the best attempts at it!!!

and I say KUDOS to you for already calling the doctor.  that's fantastic - you haven't even been on here a day!!!  shows alot of strength, my friend.

God bless you Bobby.  glad you are here... I know when I got here a few months ago I had never been so scared or desperate in my whole life.  and these wonderful people made me feel I wasn't alone.  nor are you...

you're gonna beat this buddy....

with luv,
:)
mj
(oh yeah, i'm a female :-)

[ItIsTime]

First off, I am calling you the Waterboy.  In the Adam Sandler movie "The Waterboy", Sandler's character's name is Bobby Boushea.

That is great that you're seeking treatment.  I went cold turkey myself, but I hear that Suboxone has worked wonders for a lot of people.  And if you really get to skip the physical withdrawals, I'm all for it because withdrawals are no walk in the park.  Keep it up, think positive, and you will make it.

It Is Time!

[bobbyboushea]

I know what waterboy said is probably true but it was a hard reality for me to swallow. I started writing on here because I want to stop and I have unsuccessfully tried many times in the past on my own. I see the support that everyone here gives to each other and I know that is something I will need in order to win this battle. In all honesty when I first read the comment from marcatj I got angry. I thought , how dare someone who does"nt know me question my motives. It made me mad. But then I read it over and over and I started to see what mj meant by it. I at first thought he was questioning as to weather I was lying to everyone about my problem and my desire to quit. I later realized he was asking weather I was lying to myself about why I cant. I wish I had waited longer before responding to him about his comment. Marcatj, if your reading this I appologize for mistaking your help as an attack an my judgement.  I realize now that you were only trying to help, and your comment did open my eyes and force me to think from a different perspective. Thank You for caring enough to ask. And thank you waterboy, for helping me to understand. I know that I will beat this thing. I just got off the phone with a doctors office who has scheduled me to come in to discuss different treatment options, such as the suboxone that nogie1717 was telling me about. I will be on this site often and hopefully some day soon I will be able to start sharing my victory stories with everyone. I have never been what you would call a very religious person but I do believe in God. I would only ask that you pray for God to help me through this. Thanks

[ItIsTime]

In a way, I think mj is right about all of us.  The drugs that have clouded are brains for so long are selfish.  They don't want us to think about anything but them, not our family, not our friends, not our work, not our finances.  It's not until the drugs are out of our brains that we see what has really happened.  We shut out all the good things in life for some ridiculous idea of needing chemicals to make us happy.  All the while, the drugs are thinking for you, telling you:  "If you tell her, the jig will be up and I will make you pay".  I know these thoughts because they were my own.  On the fourth day of my recovery, something changed.  I realized what I had been doing.  I can not beleive that I allowed myself to get like that, but I did, and now I vow to never let it happen again.

You have control of your life.  Don't listen to the drug thoughts because they are not your own.  In a short time you will feel like a new person.

Time
Lucky 13 days