5 minutes way from day 40 and @&$#!!!!!

[ScarrieAnne]

For the most part I try to stay positive, but I went to bed less than 3 hours ago, and here I am WIDE AWAKE at midnight. You think you are doing well, and that your sleep is getting better, than BAM! you are back where you started. Everyone in my house is sleeping soundly, so its me and the puppy, and actually he got up to say hello and is back to sleep now too. Im not going to lie, nights like this make me very depressed and anxious, not to mention lonely. I have a lot to get done today, my husband is on graveyard shifts all weekend, so he wont be here to help til after Monday, so it's me and a very high maintenance child to take care of on basically no sleep. I know, I know, my life can be a thousand times worse, but I am going to allow myself to complain on this Day 40. Im so awake I don't even know if I will be able to go back to sleep, in which case I will be useless today, which brings up feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and anger. I do not do well without sleep. I am so sick of this dysfunctional sleep cycle, I feel like it will never end at this point.It is still worth it to not be on Subs, but it is getting really old and trying my patience and positivity. I even took melatonin last night, I may try to take some more in a bit. So, thanks for letting me complain like a baby, and for all your support. Im sure things will look up from here (hopefully). Wish me luck on getting a few hours of sleep before my beautiful terror gets up! I swear Im ready to get some knock out drops or knock myself out with a frying pan! (kidding)  Peace and Love, C. Any advive would be great, but ive pretty much tired everything from meds (Trazadone) to supplements.

[ScarrieAnne]

Thanks Bama, yesterday was a bad morning, but Im better able to deal with the sleep issues, when I do sleep for a few hours, its good sleep, an Ive tried really hard lately not to get too anxious about it, I get up in the around 2 or 3, get on Mh, read or watch a movie, and usually within a cpl hours Im sleepy again and go sleep another 2 or 3 hours, and I know this is really good compared to some other stories Ive heard. Im a work in progress, and no matter how long it takes, I know eventually I will have normal sleep patterns again. Its way better than the first 2 weeks, where I couldn't sleep more than 15 minutes a day! If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take you to sleep again? Ive heard so many different stories, as everyone is different. Thanks for the advice and encouragement! XX. C.

[bama88]

Hey Annie, there isn't a spell to make you sleep lol.  I know how rough the sleepless nights are.  It's a torchure chamber of horror.  It's the longest lasting side effect.  I didn't sleep for a long long time.  

There is hope, it does come back.  And I think the more we want it, the more it evades us.  Try to read a book, to tire yourself out with.  Try some relaxing music.  Google relaxation techniques.  Even tho you might not sleep, it may help with anxiety.

[ScarrieAnne]

Im sorry NeverAgain, That sounds truly horrifying. I hope you feel better, I did not know an oxycodone w/d could be so long.I feel for you and hope it gets better.Please keep us posted on your health! Sending positive thoughts your way XOXO. Carrie

[ScarrieAnne]

thank you for the words of encouragement, they really do help. I know I am in the early stages, still, but I try not to focus too much on that magic number, If I obsess over w/d all day and count the days every morning, I feel I will be stuck and unable to move on and live my life. I try to tell myself often that Im fine and the worst part is over, I no longer have physical symptoms, just the insomnia, and I feel pretty lucky about that! there are so many other positives , that I feel now that Im free of subs, it makes up for the lingering negative stuff. Peace and Love, XX. C

[ScarrieAnne]

I won the puppy lottery with our peek a poo, Ziggy Stardust is one in a million, such a good boy and he loves Mommy the best, lol. My therapist is telling me the same things, to not cause undue anxiety around sleep and I am really doing well with it, just wasn't this morning. I actually am starting to enjoy mytime in the wee hours when I can watch inappropriate tv and not have my daughter see anything that might traumatize her.it has become a ritual of sorts and after about 2 hours I manage to sleep an hour or 2. cat naps have become my best friend. I guess I get so frustrated at times because I miss 7-8 hours of sleep, and I am really unmotivated when Im over tired. I know this will pass and I am pretty far along (I think) already, I am hoping by Christmas I will see even bigger improvements. I just have to accept, like you said, I cant do anything  to change this right now, so I need to suck it up and deal. I have been through so much worse in my life, this should be nothing! As always, its good to hear from you, and hope you are well! Love Always, Dop, Carrie Anne

[NeverAgain127]

I needed to read your post, waterLilly.

I'm 71 days off oxycodone, and have not slept thru the night yet.   LAST night, I was awakened after 2 hours of fitful sleep to intense stomach cramps.  It felt just like the ones I had on day 4, but much worse.  

I was out of my mind.  I have tummy issues, and while I was on opiates, my gut calmed down. Now its back to being hypermotile and making me a crazy person.

I was up for 5 hours with the searing pain...it finally died down but left me feeling wretched.

My family went Xmas shopping and I was so exhausted I could not even get out of bed.  I feel very sad right now.

71 days.   I thought it would be better by now.  

[waterLilly7]

Congrats on quitting!
I took a look at your first post to get an idea of what your situation is. I am not familiar with subs. My poison was high amounts of oxycodone and Vicodin. I was where you are now. Day 40 is a milestone but you do have a ways to go. Stay positive, it will get better I promise.
Each week I would feel better, each month even better. it DID take me a full two years to get everything bak the way it was, but each week and month you find things a LOT more tolerable.
Hang in there and keep posting.
hugs,
Lily

[EvolverU]

Hi Carrie Anne,

I just poked my head into forum to see how you were doing. I agree w/ jifmoc that if you're catnapping & getting some sleep, you're still doing well.

Not sleeping is rough, rough, rough & I totally feel for you. The best advice I can give you is to accept that it may be like this sometimes & not to fight it. Fighting it builds up a subconscious backstore of anxiety that I think actually hampers our ability to sleep & heal. Remember!: Detox isn't a straight vector. It goes in cycles, in climbs & dips but it will get better -- especially if you don't perseverate on the subject. To my surprise, I discovered that the lack of sleep wouldn't kill me. Accepting this was a turning point for me. The best thing you can do is not to struggle with it but to Redirect. (I know..I know easier said than done). Try to change your expectation around your sleep patterns & that way you won't be frustrated. Whatever sleep you're getting now -- think of it as normal & 'enough'. Your state of mind is so important in all this. Acceptance of the things you can't change right now will be the key to that change & others, ironically. :)

Big Props to you on Day 40! (@#%!!!!) & hey, my sister has a couple of peekapoos.

With You,

dop

[ScarrieAnne]

thank you and I think I read some things by him yesterday or the day before. I will pm him. I am prepared for as long as this lasts, there is no turning back for me. When you first start w/d it is a huge obsession on that magic number, but as you rack the days up it seems less important. Im alive, free of opiates, I have faith and love in my life so Im think Im doing pretty well. The rest is all just noise. Much Love and Peace to you gnarly!

[gnarly_1]

Hi   as fare a sub goes it is a funny drug  some people jump at 2 or 3 mg and do fine with a minum of withdrawals  some on the other had take it down to crumbs and go threw significant withdrawals you never know until you do it as far as sleep goes most people do return back to normal for me I was living in active addiction for 35yrs with almost 7 of them on methadone it was bound to have  lasting side effects   just keep in mind that sub withdrawals are only 2nd to methadone and the recovery time is slow after you detox we have a old member that just came back to the forum he is hands down the best expert on sub  let me give you his name and you can message him  his nic is   HenryS354 just know no 2 withdrawals are the same  it is what it is try to stay positive Gnarly

[ScarrieAnne]

Thank you for your support gnarly, I am fairly familiar with your story, and I always read your advice. 5 years off methadone and still only getting 6 hrs? Do you think, in your opinion, Suboxone does the same thing? I was on it for 3 years, and addicted to pain pills that last time for about a yr and a half. I know your not a Dr, or psychic, but that really freaks me out! No wonder so many people relapse, however, on the bright side I know I can function on 6 hours of sleep, its the 2 to 4 hours I have a hard time with. I refuse to get on any type of sleep medication, tried that, didn't help. melatonin and valerian root is all I am going to use.I will keep posting, I do almost every day, just to hear all of yall's words of wisdom and never ending support. So thank you for commenting! XX. C.

[ScarrieAnne]

Hi krissy, You are doing great to be on day 16, it REALLY gets easier the more days you knock down, just think by day 30 you should be turning a corner. Maybe even sooner for you. The RLS does pass, its a terrible side effect, but I no longer have it so that should give you some hope! I know no one that has successfully gotten off subs in my real life, My 2 best friends are still on it, 1 for 3 years and 1 for 8 years. I feel for them , but am armed with knowledge to help, if they actually are committed t jumping. As mothers of young children I think it may be a little harder on us. We put so much pressure on ourselves to be the perfect mom, keep a clean house, cook nutritious meals, do pta, keep hubby happy, the list goes on and society expects this from us, and when we are feeling bad the thoughts of failure and guilt can be overwhelming.I am proud of you! 16 days is awesome, my first 3 attempts didn't last a week! The sleep gets better, little by little, you will be able to fall asleep for a few hours and naps will come more easily, it just seems in that first month that nothing works, around the 1 month mark melatonin started working, so just give it a little more time, you are well on your way, and please keep me posted, either on forum or pm. Youre not alone and your rockin it~! XOXO Carrie

[gnarly_1]

Hi....well so far so good  it is good at least your getting  cat naps  I did not sleep at all for 2 mo  coming off methadone I almost went mad to this day I mis those nice long sleeps of 8 to 10 hours wile I was on the methadone it has been over 5yrs now and im lucky to get 6hrs a night on a good night  but if you on it so long I think it runes my internal clock for good just have faith in God he can return you to sanity keep pushing forward and keep posting for support.....Gnarly

[Krissy_123]

Oh scarrieanne it's amazing how similar our situations are right now. I'm only going on day 16 but no sleep for me either. I'm also laying here staring at the blinking Christmas tree lights and kicking my anxious legs. I also have a very very busy little boy. The only time he slows down is gee he sleeps. So i know the feeling of being stressed about being tired. I'm so so proud of you though,I've heard such nightmares about subs and a lot of ppl just stay on them or switch to another drug of choice so they don't feel your pain now that you're going through. You're a very strong women,and I bet an awesome mum and wife!! You're doing great!! Much love,Krissy xox.

[ScarrieAnne]

I think the pup is mad at me right now. He is an all white peek a poo and will turn a yr old Dec 13th. He grunts like a piggy when you pick him up when he is sleeping, but I got plenty of cuddles and he is a total mommas boy. I believe pets greatly reduce stress and anxiety, and I think there have been studies done on that. So I did what you said, I watched the best of Christopher Walken on SNL on dvd, which I couldnt not laugh, then started to get sleepy so doubled my melatonin and slept from 1am til 445. I am so thankful you were up to listen! About the na/aa meetings, I chose one on one therapy, I am soo shy speaking in public, I failed public speaking in school, so the thought of that is terrifying, plus I live in a small town and I know at least 10 of my old druggie friends go to the one I would need to go to. That's a little scary to me, because I know a lot of them go high, then go cop drugs afterwards. My therapist is amazing, though, and she is helping me a lot. If she wasn't my therapist, she would be my friend, we have that much in common. Ok, done rambling, thanks again for being awake, it helped to reach out and get a response. XOXO Carrie

[jifmoc]

Hey, Carrie. Love demanding the attention from the pup!!! Oh boy, do I torment mine w/ affection. Also, for me, meetings is where I vent constantly and everyone understands. It's beyond helpful:)

[ScarrieAnne]

Thank you, and That is good news that I can fall asleep at 40 days, Ive heard people not sleeping for much longer. I am already watching dumb stuff and I have a really good book to read, I was really angry when I looked at the clock and it was 11:45, I was sleeping like a wee babe, only to be jolted awake by my toxic brain, but Im doing a little better now, I have all the lights off with the Christmas tree on and it is very peaceful. Im about to wake the puppy up and give him some cuddles whether he likes it or not. For me, once I get what I need to say out, I feel a whole lot better, this is really my only place to vent honestly about this experience. So thanks for being up and listening! I already feel less alone! XOXO. Carrie

[jifmoc]

Ha! I know that frying pan desire. The fact that it's even possible for you to MAYBE fall asleep at 9pm is a miracle at 40 days. Sleep is the dang last thing to come back. I wasn't on subs, but they linger longer than hydro or oxy. So, it is not remotely strange that you can't sleep tonight. I'm like you, I freak out if I can't sleep, but I learned...what's the worst that will happen? I'll be tired the next day and feel sluggish. At 40 days you are still technically detoxing, so go easy on yourself. It takes months to level off and even longer for our brains to "come back."

So you're doing good!! Watch some dumb stuff on Youtube. Or adorable puppy videos. Whatever you want:)