hey friends, sorry for going awol but......

[brknwng]

Hello Maxi, Cricket< Spike, and all my friends here.
   Still sober, don't even remember how long, I think 3 weeks tomorrow. I have had some really rough days emotionally. I want to isolate and vegetate. I have no energy, no desire to go out, and I have always been very active and I can see that my withdraw Sx's are wearing on my partner and our family. I know how this goes but have never taken my sobriety so serious because of what I have lost because of my disease of addiction. with that stated, is it okay to tell who I am, professionally of course, what work I have done, the truth about addiction in the professional world and that I lost it all without being judged because there is really little help one can receive and keep license or go back to level of work ? People can say anything on the web but, I'm for real and I really need to vent because I am becoming depressed thinking about my life and the choices I made. I think you, especially those who have grown to be my supporters here, will understand why getting outside help is so hard for me. any one up? I need to rant.
cheryl

[jifmoc]

Wow, interesting thread. Seems to me one of the main issues is HUMILITY. I was just at a meeting w/ an MD and he actually mentioned afterwards that he sees his patients occasionally. What's that saying? You can save face or save your a$$. Something like that. Point is, it Does. Not. Matter. what your expertise is, you are an addict like the rest of us. I'm an educated woman from an upper middle class family with no history of addiction. Yet, there I am in meetings w/ some people that w/ horrific backrounds and a high school diploma. Who cares. When I see people w/ 10, 20 years sobriety and they are happy, I have something to learn from them. They've learned how to be content, I haven't. I have things to learn.

[Krissy_123]

That's one of the biggest things we do as recovering addicts. We feel guilt yes,but we can't let it control us. The best we can do is try to make amends and get our lives back together. If we sit and dwell on all the crap we brought down on ourselves we will never heal. It's ok to feel bad or guilty,but you have to move on,it's part of the recovery. Or you'll be stuck here in the depression. You were just stuck in a rut with the drugs,don't get into another one. Try the on line meetings. You have to remember not all addicts sit under a bridge high as a kite. Were mothers,doctors,firefighters,lawyers,high school kids,the president!! Drugs don't discriminate,they don't care who they grab,don't feel ashamed of your addiction,or it will be an even longer road to recovery.

[Spike2654]

Welllll, how is this for God? I haven't logged on since I last posted to you checking on your status...and here is your post! He IS bigger than all of us, and no matter your beliefs/thoughts, you are here for a reason and what you are going through is for a reason too.

Thank you for 'venting' and getting off of your chest what you do and where you do it, and I hope that it helps you feel better. Just know that what you do, whatever acronym is behind your name, where you work, etc. is not WHO you are. We can strip all of those things away, and that is not WHO you are. Also, side note, a "druggie" or "user" is not WHO you are either!

And guess what Cheryl!! I have acronyms after my last name too, and not near the amount of accolades that you have, but was well known in my community and had done tons of outreaches and work within the medical-legal community. Yup, bottom line, I KNEW better! I KNEW what happens when one abuses meds, but tried lying to myself for so long that because I was getting them legally from my doc, that I wasn't an addict or "one of those people"...pssssh, crazy how we try to help others see their own lies, yet keep cramming them down our own throats, eh?

You need a boost Cheryl, you need to just stop. Take a deep breath, look around and handle ONE thing at a time. Do NOT focus on the "coulda shoulda woulda's of your career", because guess what, what you are going through is going to be soooo much more helpful to someone in the long run...YOU!! It's a big shot to the pride, I know, I fell from grace quite roughly, but a year later, I DON'T CARE because again that is not WHO I am, it was what I did.

Do NOT stop going, fighting, scratching your way to sobriety. You have absolutely NOTHING to gain by going back, and everything you've worked so hard at..to lose.

I'm in the trenches with you. Focus on today, and today only.

[Cricketk92]

Hey Cheryl!  Welcome back!!!  Congrats on the 3 weeks!!!!  For sure the mental side of this addiction is worse than the physical withdrawal!!!  For some reason I dont remember you saying that you had lost your job before!  Is that the case?  ARe you not going back to work?  I can imagine that would make it pretty difficult!  The energy will come back slowly!  I still struggle with it somedays but it IS coming back!  On weekends when I dont have to go to work I have to force myself to move  and get on with life sometimes but once I get myself moving I am Okay!  Are you taking any kind of vitamins or supplements?  They can sometimes help with energy and mood!!!  Please dont let yourself get too discouraged....you need to start pushing yourself to get out and back into the world!!!   Do you exercise at all?  That really helps too!!!  
I have been doing some online meetings because of my work schedule I cant always get to meetings during the week.  They are AA but there is also an NA meeting online everyday at 10 pm!  Maybe you could at least do those for now!  Here is the link for the AA   http://aaonline.net/chatguests.php   and here is the link for the NA   http://na-recovery.org/na-recovery_mibbit.html
AT least you will have other clean/sober people to talk with until you can get to outsdie meetings!  Maybe you could try a different meeting and you wont run into anyone you know!!!  Its worth a shot!!!  
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing!!!
XO Karen

[brknwng]

Salutations Maxy my friend! I love that you addressed mental illness and self medicating. The most common Ddx that correlates with a co-morbid of addiction is PTSD w/ severe depressive episodes. Research has known since 1947 that the opiates gave instant relief, unheard of with modern ssri's or snri's, to those who suffered this "hysteria". I believe it was Pineal, the father of the lobotomy, who researched this (1940-1948). What modern research is finding, in regard to PTSD, is excitotoxicity of the endorphine system, which includes the dopaminergic and opiod systems of the brain. Excitotoxicity means that a system that is stimulated often and over a long period of time destroys itself from flooding, i.e., a child who is molested or abused in any domain over and over. The system is always triggered to relieve brain pain, which most call disorder, thus over excitement destroys receptor systems. Problem, opiates are addictive, the threshold of tolerance grows quickly because we can not match the organic system, and eventually failure of body systems. So, with that said you can probably guess what I do, Ph.D in Psychology with fellowship in neuropsych, residency at Johns Hopkins and Tenn. State in Nashville, also an Ed.D because my research is in adult who suffer PTSD from early life experience. I'm a researching psychologist and was until june a highly regarded professor at a well known university in my state, was receiver of excellence in academia, professor of the year last January. I am a member of NAMI and the APA. My areas of expertise are PTSD and bullying, and borderline personality disorder. I am published, have developed tests used to detect at risk children for PTSD, and am a resource in treatment of borderline, and most of the personality disorders which most clinicians believe are untreatable. Now......I am nothing but a recovering addict sitting on a couch. I know most of and have trained many, of the psychologist in my area. Went to 1 NA meeting and was greeted by 2 students who thought I was there to lecture. I lied and said no, to observe, then left. I had a life, a great life, but drugs stole all of it from me, and I let them. I just wanted to feel normal, instead I feel like nothing now. Addiction knows no socio-economic bounderies and as far as the professional world, we probably abuse the most because of access and, truthfully, whodathunk it. No matter what my job is, I am still a broken human who became very sick because of long term childhood abuse in all domains. not an excuse, just reality. thank you for being there for me. I can not fix myself anymore than a physician can heal himself of cancer at home alone. I feel embarrassed to open up like this but, I need support. I want my energetic life back. My partner is a sociologist and my recovery is wearing on her work. we have 3 adult children and 3 younger children. sorry for the rant but, I feel more understood now and maybe can get some advice on how to get off this effen couch. don't give up on me friends

[CRSeaside]

Hi Cheryl! I totally agree. I met a woman in rehab who lost her career as a nurse. She felt the compulsion to "tell on herself".
Another is in the same boat. Lost her license to practice.
  I don't drink hardly ever, but went to AA with a friend to support her. I know it's all about the people. But this group was so judge mental. They had the strong credo you can't be clean if you take psyche meds. Dangerous advice to the sufferers of mental conditions.
So I found support in a mental health support group. Surprising everyone but one person had overcome or was struggling with substance abuse.
  Self medicating is normal in the mental world. We know something is wrong, missing or broken. We strive to correct it and it can lead to opioids.
  NAMI has free support groups in all city's. the groups are small. You would probably never run into anyone you know from the professional world.
  The no energy can sometimes be repaired by meeting a new friend. I use the free wifi at our central library and people start to share tables when it fills up. It just feels invigorating to me to meet new people. Big bonus if they become eml friends or in person friends.
  Yes. I know. First step is find a promise that something good will happen if you get up off the sofa. Next is mustering the energy to get showered and dressed. I've had false starts too. Where I was sure if I got up and got ready I'd do something. Anything.
  But then you just have to try again. If every baby gave up the first time it tried to walk we would all still be crawling.
   So. Get up. Clean up. Get out there. Meet someone new. It will break part of the post pill problem of nothing matters, "I just want to be left alone and sit here."!  We all get it. It's a secondary side effect of getting off drugs.
  You are doing great. You'll feel better some days. I understand how you feel.  But. There are solutions!  Much love. Maxy