Aa
Aa
A
A
A
Close
894095 tn?1248878718

im a screw up

I came on here and typed my heart out couple months ago went clean for a whopping 12 days and began to get over the physical stuff, and then said what the heck lets do it all over again went to a dr and loaded up. well im so sick of myself and my lies. I booked a trip to a isolated family  lake house in new york where I will have zero acess to drugs. I have 10 5mg perks left I am going to go home right now and eat the last of them for shock effect and then july 22 I leave for the trip which gives me roughly 20 days to get threw the worst of the physical wd and then play out the mental part up there away from any access. I am so ashamed I was soo soo close it happens so easy to slip it scares me, I will be up there for 30 days so shooting for a quick 50 days of soberity and see where that takes me.

I was doing so good but I blew it all and it makes me angry each time I think about it i just cant take this anymore non of us can, why do we have to be such addicts, why can my brother be a undercover narcotics officer and and arrest scum like me yet i hid my habits and play a good boy infront of him , i am just tired of myself :(
9 Responses
Sort by: Helpful Oldest Newest
271792 tn?1334979657
I know I am coming in on the end of this but WOW,,,,I can tell you that so many of us went out with a bang! We picked a quit date and then decided to "party it up" the night before. Bad move.

Anyway, you are on your way. Good for you.

I PROMISE you that you won't be disappointed. It will take a few days of felling like **** but it does get better. Sound corny, huh? But true.

Stick with your plan and hang around here. Sometimes just talking about it helps. Hope to see you around......
Helpful - 0
894095 tn?1248878718
thank you everyone again for your un conditional support, I havnt taken anything since 1pm and been managing tomorrow is going to be a verry tough day, and so forth but I have to make an honest effort this time I know I can do it just have to get it done
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I truly believe that each relapse brings a person closer to the recovery.  I don't think anyone has recovered without relapsing, it's okay, please don't be hard on yourself although the chemical changes in your mind are pushing you down.  Stay aware of the fact that it's the chemical changes bringing you down and don't listen to it.  This relapse brings you one step closer to being drug free.  If it was easy it wouldn't do us any good.  It's because it's so hard that you'll be more likely to never go back.  You should try to not do this alone - having someone there can really help.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Man.  All i know to say is please try to fight. You are so young with your whole life ahead of you. I think you are right. I think if you dont stop now you are headed for oblivion. Fight with everything in your soul. I will be thinking good thoughts about you.
Helpful - 0
894095 tn?1248878718
just got back to work i am as high as a kite. I went home planning on just taking the last 6 5mg perks but lucky me I found 2 30mg blue's ( oxy/roxicodones) I said what thell lets go out with a bang.

I put the two 30's on a spoon with 1 cc of bottled water disolved them and shot them u , what a great high that gets me, then i ate the 6 5mgs and i sit here with blured vision slight pain in my heart from the damage of these pills running through my blodstream. I should have died by now but life keeps ticking on.

I feel so good its sad. I have a dr appoit ment tomorrow but I need a mri so thats $450.00 dollars to get the dr to give me a new script, the doctors office wants $120 per visit, then they want $560 for 120 30mg oxycodones, then 60 2mg xanax. but im not going to get a mri so i cant get my script. I dont know what i was thinking other then i want to stop this stuff so my decision was instead of trying to quit and have 6 perks on hand and prolonging the wd. if I dont have any i will have no choice.

I am weak I cant just stop and have some laying around i have to not have any and force myself to deal with the fact there is no more relief.

i have a bottle of imodium because I get the runs like a mother freaker and will be having bad stomach problems these next couple of weeks. still have roughly 20 xanax left which is essntial for me to get threw the nights and panic attacks.

I have deleted my 1 and only source who over charges the oi=poop out of me when i kio my bottle,

I plan on telling my boss tonight that i am sick and wont make it in thur-friday so that i have 4 days to deal with the worst so to speak of my wd then monday will suck because I recall last CT day 5 hit hard for me so this is my 2nd attempt and i remember the high iwas getting from getting it out of my system. i need it to work this time for if i dont i know i will die in the next year or two with me injecting them like i do. its so strange how we all know we are killing oursleves by smoking and drinking and abusing pills yet we dont care all we care about is scoring. my sex drive has gone to zero i barely get a hrd on anymore whidh is sad for a 22 year old male but hopefully that will come back in time when I stop being so lethargic and get my drive back to do other things besides getting high.

I will try to keep you guys updated on whats new with my 2nd arrempt, I cant wait to just be paste this stuff and regain some form of what i remember a normal life being; later today i am going to haaaate myself for eating everything but that is the only way I will stop i have just ge it away from my reach and leave no choice but to deal with no access to the drugs. which me luck and I highly do not recommend anyone follow in my footsteps for quitting but in my nutty state of mind it made sense to me. good luck to all and please say a prayer for me that these upcomming days are as easy as they can be it will be hell after eating such large amounts then stopping. I have no self control so i have to do outlandish things to make it happen, good luck all in the similar boat may god or whomever be on our side and see that we all trully want to better our lifes and get on track . signing off for now
-the man with a crappy plan :)
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I really didnt need to tell anyone ..... I woke in the ER with a pulmonoligist removing a trachea tube that had been respirating for me......... everyone already knew by then....I was quite close to dead - and even had a near dath out of body experience..........quit while you can no matter what it takes.................
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I know exactly how you feel. My Dad tells me all the time, How proud he is of the children he raised and how well we turned out, While I am sitting there on loads of oxycontin and struggling to keep my eyes open, and he or anyone else has no idea. I have been unable to tell any of my family members or anyone really which makes it much easier to relapse and I've been told by many that telling people is what needs to happen now. Have you told anyone? Do you plan on it? Also, like anyone on here will tell you, sometimes it is okay if you relapse because it makes you realize how much more you want your sobriety, as it did in your case. And don't beat yourself up, the first four times I decided to "stop" I lasted 6 days, then 2 days, then 3 days, then 2 days....so not exactly a bar setter lol.
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
You are gonna make it! It really takes getting entirely sick of the lifestyle to hang it up. But you are sick of it. 50 days would be awesome .....I started with relapses like yours ....I believe most of us did.....but today I am good for a couple years.....you may be also...Dont ever forget where you came from ......
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Its ok man.  It happens to the best of us.  As long as you keep trying.  I have learned myself the hard way that getting clean is so much easier than staying clean.  Addiction is cunning and even when the physical pain goes away, we are attacked by the mental stuff.. Good idea about getting away.  It would also be a good idea to find some kind of support system.. meetings, counseling, etc.  This will be really helpful after withdrawal when the cravings come.  I know I WISH I had the answer as to why some of us are addicts, other arent - but no one really knows that.  Its the cards we are dealt and we need to play them well.  Its not easy but it can be done.  Take this as a learning experience and move forward.  Dont be too hard on yourself.  You are making good strides.. No one is perfect - just keep trying.  
Helpful - 0
Have an Answer?

You are reading content posted in the Addiction: Substance Abuse Community

Top Addiction Answerers
495284 tn?1333894042
City of Dominatrix, MN
Avatar universal
phoenix, AZ
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.